Moving in/blended family.

[Felic23]

My partner and I are both single parents to boys of a similar age (11 & 12)
After 6 years together we have decided to move in as living apart is not working and we are drifting further apart. We have a great relationship and are both on board with trying our best to blend together as a 4.
His Son is very keen but my Son (perhaps as we are the ones moving into their house) goes up and down. He was all up for it but now is giving me all the reasons he doesn't want to.

My question is how seriously do I take his opinion? I do completely acknowledge it's a huge step. I have spent years trying to decide weather or not it's the right thing to do. My partner is great with my Son and would be a good male role model as his own Dad is useless.
How he feels about it is very important to me but I'm not sure how much weight to put on what he thinks as he changes all the time and he also cannot see the bigger picture.

Any advice much appreciated!

dependson his reasons he doesnt want it

What are his reasons for saying no and are they the same ones when he goes up and down? Can you agree that you will have a trial period of living together and if he is genuinely unhappy at the end of it, the two of you will move out?

Trial period may be the way to go, as sometimes the balance of power shifts when you move into the other’s home.

Thanks so much for replies. It's so hard to figure out what's best to do. My partner thinks telling him it's a trail is a mistake because he will want to move out every time there is an argument. Main reasons he has told me

1. He likes it just me and him
2. He LOVES his bedroom as I've done it up over years. He knows moving to their house he will have to downgrade in size and the house isn't as nice as our flat.
3. He says alright he likes playing with partners Son he is used to being an only child.

There are no major reasons I think he understandably is worried and is used to having his own way and like he said it just being me and him. Hes never had much change in his life.

Can you plan in advance various things you will do that are just the two of you? Ensure he has a new great room, just how he likes it with some extras that he wasn’t allowed before? Don’t have the trial period up for debate for after an argument, but a fixed date six months or so down the line.

@BlueTimes that's a good idea about having a fixed time on it. I think that will make him feel a lot better. I get so caught up with all the emotions of it it's like I cant think clearly! Thanks x

Is it possible for both your families to move to a third property instead? Would then be fresh territory for all of you and not feel like you're moving into his house. Do both of you own or rent? Obviously this will take longer to plan but if you're going to do this is should be with the view of it being forever, so makes sense to make everyone equal in it.

I was also going to suggest moving to a new house together. Seems like a massive deal, but it’s the best way to make this work.

I think moving into a new property altogether may be a better option for everyone.

We will eventually buy a house but this will be just while we save up the rest of a deposit. My Son was more keen when it was going to be a new property but financially it has to be this way just for the short term. Obviously doesn't make him feel any better though.

@Felic23 will he be going to same school
Will he have his own bedroom
Boys like their own space too
I agree with above try moving to a new house for everyone so everyone has to move

@Andi2020 thanks for reply. They will not be going to same school and he will have his own bedroom although will be much smaller than one he has now.

I am not sure with two boys to consider you should really be attempting to use moving in together as a plaster to try and save a relationship where you are drifting apart. Is there definitely a future in this relationship? If you think there is, maybe you could focus on consolidating at the moment. In the cold hard light of laundry/co-parenting especially
now with remote learning/housework etc, I think it is by no means guaranteed that living under one roof will fix things, especially as your son is not keen.

If you can, rather stay where you are until you can move into the new house. If this relationship is important to both of you you'll make it work in separate houses. I would put your sons wishes first for as long as you can.

@Solasum thanks for reply. The reason we are drifting apart is we are seeing each other less and less. Its very hard to sustain a relationship without time with that person. We were hoping that the boys may benefit from having a 'family' rather than being in single parent households. I am not deluded though and do realise we will have a load of new problems to deal with, but we cant move forward in our relationship living apart. It's been 6 years of dating. I have considered ending it but it would be a great shame as we have a good relationship.

I echo those who've suggested you all move into a third house together, as that will be neutral for everybody.

Think about how long it will take to save up the rest of the deposit, and ways you could make the best of the relationship in the short term, given your DS does not want to live in "their house".

How does the room compare to the one your partners son has? I think you are possibly setting them up for resentment with you moving into their space. How long is it realistically until you can get somewhere new?

I think it depends really. Is your child your priority or is your partner your priority?

Why are you seeing less and less of each other?

Yeah Im a home bird and moving into someone else's turf would make me angry. I can't see how you can create a feeling of equal respect when, your son in particular, feels like an outsider. He will be an outsider. You'll be getting all sorts of perks from the situation. Not so much will change for anyone else, except for your son.

Why can't thry move in with you?

Does his son live with him full time? I would also suggest that you wait until you can move into a new place. I wouldn’t put a trial period in place though, or at least not one he knows about, I think it’s too much responsibility on your son and you can decide after a period of time if it’s working out or not and make that decision as the adult.

Moving into their home isn’t great. But moving straight in to a house you’ve bought together when you’ve never lived together before is too risky.

Can you definitely not rent somewhere together first?

Have you been on holidays together?

Is his son with him full time? If not then it’s a much bigger change for your son who’ll be getting a full time step dad.

@Starseeking thanks for reply. I was thinking a period of living together in his home would be a good trial in a way before we commit to buying a home. We have tried to see each other more living separately but we are both key workers and my Son goes to his Dads once a week and it has been really hard to find the time.

@Iyiyi thanks for reply. Yes his Son loves with him full time and does not see his Mum. My Son sees his Dad once a week but his Dad is a terrible role model. Smokes weed and is generally a bit shit. My partner agrees that a trial is a bad idea to suggest. I just dont want to force my Son into a situation he is not happy with but at the same time he is 12 years old and will not see how this may benefit him in the long run. I also dont want him to feel he has the power to decide if we do or dont move in.