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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Moving in/blended family.

81 replies

Felic23 · 13/02/2021 21:06

My partner and I are both single parents to boys of a similar age (11 & 12)
After 6 years together we have decided to move in as living apart is not working and we are drifting further apart. We have a great relationship and are both on board with trying our best to blend together as a 4.
His Son is very keen but my Son (perhaps as we are the ones moving into their house) goes up and down. He was all up for it but now is giving me all the reasons he doesn't want to.

My question is how seriously do I take his opinion? I do completely acknowledge it's a huge step. I have spent years trying to decide weather or not it's the right thing to do. My partner is great with my Son and would be a good male role model as his own Dad is useless.
How he feels about it is very important to me but I'm not sure how much weight to put on what he thinks as he changes all the time and he also cannot see the bigger picture.

Any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Thomasina2021 · 16/02/2021 14:31

Me and my partner of 6 years live apart and I honestly prefer it to the thought of moving in together

I would take your son’s opinion into account - I think kids feel secure when they have their own family home . Blending won’t make you one happy family necessarily , more two families under one roof ..

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/02/2021 16:59

Also just to add I have a council home. I will not give up the tenancy until at least a year of living together has gone well.

OP posts:

Milkshake7489 · 16/02/2021 17:10

If you are drifting apart because you can't see each other as much as you'd like, your relationship might not be strong enough to withstand moving in together and all the potential problems this can bring.

Please think about it this move carefully because splitting up after you have lived together will be much harder on both boys than it would be whilst living apart.

But if you do go ahead, I'd really advise moving to a house that is new to you all (even if this means waiting longer to live together). If you move into your DP's house the balance of power will be off, especially for the boys... your son will be swapping a room he loves for a smaller space in a home that already belongs to your partner and his son, that immediately puts him on a back foot.

KatySun · 16/02/2021 17:18

I wonder if one reason your son blows hot and cold on the idea is because he wants your approval (and does like your partner and his DS) but also he wants his own space and home he is used to - hence, mixed responses.

RandomMess · 16/02/2021 17:49

I'm not sure you will be eligible to keep the tenancy if you aren't living in it?

Have you checked the contract?

You would be insane to give it up.

Apileofballyhoo · 16/02/2021 18:35

Can't see you saving that much by moving in if you're still paying rent and council tax on your own place, in the case you're actually allowed to keep renting it without living there.

I don't think I'd do it. Are the two locations where you live now quite far apart?

What security would you have if it doesn't work out?

KatySun · 16/02/2021 18:40

I also wondered that about the tenancy, surely you need to live there? It is not fair on a family in need to hold on to a property as a safety net.

Strongswans · 16/02/2021 18:45

You shouldn't give up a council tenancy for a trial! I'd also speak to your council as I have never known one that would let you keep it if you'd moved out!

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/02/2021 19:10

My tenancy is just another complication. I would continue to pay the rent ect. Obviously if I cant do that if I'm not living there then that would add to complications. Every point that is being made is one I've thought of and agree. We have a had arguments as I've said there is no way I can give up my council tenancy which is my only security being a single Mum with a part time job. The problem is if we dont find a way of moving forward we will have no relationship left. It's not working just trying to see more of each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Felic23 · 16/02/2021 19:10

Thanks for all replies and advice all appreciated x

OP posts:

Magda72 · 16/02/2021 19:58

I'm in Ireland so probably different - but I know over here you would end in legal trouble if you kept a council tenancy but lived elsewhere.
Aside from the above it's also a morally questionable thing to do IMO.
Op I think your situation is too precarious to give up your tenancy for something you are having a lot of reservations about. I understand your frustration re your relationship but I would advocate leaving it until the boys are older or you are more financially secure with less to lose.

Apileofballyhoo · 16/02/2021 20:24

We have a had arguments as I've said there is no way I can give up my council tenancy which is my only security being a single Mum with a part time job.

OP, this horrifies me. Can he not see your point? How can he not see that you are the one making the sacrifices?

Concentrate on financial security for yourself and your DS.

KatySun · 16/02/2021 20:37

Is the moving in your idea or his? Does he not see that you are risking a lot more than he is? Who is saying the relationship ends if you don’t move in with him?

Ultimatums are never great for relationships, in fact, I would go as bad as to say they are a bad thing. You have an implicit ultimatum here: you move in with him or the relationship withers away/ends.

I honestly don’t understand, and it may be a failure on my part, why moving in together is the answer here when it involves you losing so much security. Why are there not other ways of making time for each other and improving the relationship? I really don’t want to sound negative. I am a single parent with two DC, so I do understand you want this idea of normality which a two parent family seems, but how much do you think you are chasing a dream (that if only you do x, y or z, then things will be better)? Your relationship needs to be rock solid to think of giving up your house, basically. He is not losing anything.

ChocolateTea · 17/02/2021 00:28

If you are caught living somewhere else, you will lose your tenancy. It is NOT a gamble you can take. If your name goes on any bills elsewhere you risk it.

I get it, it feels like forever when it's been 6 years already. But the situation you're in, honestly, moving in together sounds like a patch, which isn't great. Can you not have more sleepovers first? Do the small room at his for your son, kit it out with a bed etc, stay there a couple of nights a week. See how that goes.

But please don't give up your council tenancy to move to his place.

OhioOhioOhio · 17/02/2021 07:50

Omg. I hope you see sense.

mootymoo · 17/02/2021 07:58

Can you rent out his property and rent a family home? This is a good idea for most couples even without kids in the mix. Alternatively he gets to decorate his room and a promise of choosing his bedroom when you move to a bigger house

cheeseismydownfall · 17/02/2021 08:03

My parents divorced when I was young. My two siblings are much older than me and so at 11 it was just me and my mum at home. Honestly, I cannot articulate how much I would have hated leaving my house to move in with my mum's partner. Being forced to join a family that wasn't my own. I know you say that your partner is good with him but it is a million miles from being his actual family - he is your, partner, first and foremost. Your son's words sound like he is trying to tell you this in the language he has.

secretskillrelationships · 17/02/2021 08:12

It's it your son or you who's unsure about this? As you post, it's looking more and more like it's you that's unsure. I do think that if your relationship is struggling at the moment, moving in together will add rather than relieve. If you're both tired and struggling to find time for each other now, I think adding challenges from two, about to hit adolescent boys, is going to add rather than subtract, even if you can argue that the day to day workload should halve. And even that's moot - are your standards similar or is there a risk you'll be doing at least as much, and possibly more, once you've moved in.

Have you discussed how finances will work, especially if you're working part time (I'm assuming you're entitled to universal credit which will go if you move in together). There are lots of practical questions and you may have worked them all through, it's just not obvious from what you've posted so far.

lockdown10101 · 17/02/2021 09:39

I mean, first it does get harder on children if you wait 5 years - because they grow into teenagers - which is bizarrely what so many people on this forum suggest.

Your happiness is just as important as your son's, you are a human being with feelings. Parents make decisions that their children are not 100% happy with all the time, its only when it is a single mother doing it that the pearl clutching starts. Someone said they are planning on waiting until their child is 18 to move in, but that will also bring problems.

So I don't think your 11 year olds feelings about this are much of an issue. Its more troubling that your partner expects you to give up the council tenancy and you say you are drifting apart.

What is your work and school situation like? Could you move into your partner's for just some months, see how things go, and if things go well, buy a house together? I agree with the posters who say it's better to get somewhere new.

breatheslowandtrust · 17/02/2021 09:51

OP why are you insistent that being in a "family" is better for your son? You are his family, and he's telling you he is happy that way. Your DP and his son are not his family, you are deluding yourself with this idea, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
My mum was exactly the same, we blended when I was a good bit younger than your ds and I still don't really consider my step siblings as family. We got on OK at home, but once we left we haven't really kept in touch other than the odd text message at births/Christmas etc.
By all means do this, but don't try to kid yourself that it is for his benefit.

breatheslowandtrust · 17/02/2021 09:53

Just read that you have a council tendency, DO NOT under any circumstances give this up. Your DP is already waving red flags in your face.

breatheslowandtrust · 17/02/2021 09:54

tenancy

LeaveMyDamnJam · 17/02/2021 10:02

I’m all for giving things a go, but I really wouldn’t in this case if I was you OP.

combatbarbie · 17/02/2021 10:37

I'm getting a bit confused as you say the moving in will allow yous time to save for the bigger home, but you aren't giving up your council tenancy so where does the saving come into it. It would only be the food and a saving on part utilities.

Apileofballyhoo · 17/02/2021 14:22

I hadn't really thought about you losing any benefits you're currently entitled to, OP. I think moving is a really bad idea.

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