Moving in/blended family.

[Felic23]

My partner and I are both single parents to boys of a similar age (11 & 12)
After 6 years together we have decided to move in as living apart is not working and we are drifting further apart. We have a great relationship and are both on board with trying our best to blend together as a 4.
His Son is very keen but my Son (perhaps as we are the ones moving into their house) goes up and down. He was all up for it but now is giving me all the reasons he doesn't want to.

My question is how seriously do I take his opinion? I do completely acknowledge it's a huge step. I have spent years trying to decide weather or not it's the right thing to do. My partner is great with my Son and would be a good male role model as his own Dad is useless.
How he feels about it is very important to me but I'm not sure how much weight to put on what he thinks as he changes all the time and he also cannot see the bigger picture.

Any advice much appreciated!

All the reasons given point to him wanting to have you for himself so although it will be an adjustment for him, it is probably fit the best.

You'll just need to appreciate that it will take time to have a blended family and to start with it will be two families getting together with different habits, behaviours and customs.

Make sure you don't break from what is normal for him and gives him assurance too quickly. Give him more 1 to 1 time than you expect to spend as a foursome. Continue to do activities outside just the two of you and gradually had more times all together.

When Dh and l did this 20 years ago.

We rented out our properties and rented a place together until we were sure.

Why should your son have the smallest bedroom? Because he’s moving in? I kind of get where he’s coming from. Why should he be disadvantaged?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow thanks for reply. He would be getting the spare room which is small but my partners sons room is no bigger. Can I ask did you let the children know that you were doing a kind of trial keeping both previous properties?

Yeah. They were fine with it. It was a bind sorting out mortgages because they had to be changed to buy to let.

Long time ago now. We had problems of course, ones you cannot just predict, but they all get on, and see each other. Nice to have extra brothers/sisters.

First 2 years were very difficult though!

Just don't. Your son is telling you he doesn't want to move, and you're trying to justify forcing him. I'm in a long term relationship, same length as yours, but I was clear from the outset that my child comes first, and we wouldn't be living together until she is 18 and left for uni. Still a few years to go, but no way will I sacrifice her stability and home life for anyone, including myself.

Can you clarify the school situation, will your son be moving schools if yous move to DPs

@combatbarbie no he will continue to go to the same school. My partners house is actually a bit closer to his school then our house

Ah right OK and how long do you think it will take before yous could look at buying together?

Around a year and by that time we will hopefully have a better idea of if us all together as a 4 works.

Your DS is the one being uprooted and moving into your DP home. It wont feel like home to him and I have no doubt the DP son will find it difficult to adjust to sharing his home space too. Have you tried spending a few overnights together as part of a trial run rather than moving straight in. Sounds like you will benefit as you will be living with your DP however your DS will be moving and also into a far smaller space into someone elses home.

@callistoSol thanks for reply. I completely understand where your coming from and have thought the same. On the other hand i know there are many benefits for my Son that he as a child cannot see. Having a positive male role model and being in a family all beit a blended family will be good for a child in many ways. It's also not ideal I dont to centre your life completely around a child once there older as they will have unrealistic view of the world.

Yes we have had many holidays together. The boys didnt get on so well in the beginning but in last few years get on well. We do sleepovers and spend birthdays and other special days together. We plan to move to his as he has very cheap rent so we would be able to save quickly for a deposit

Just listen to what your son is saying, do not move into someone else’s house. If you want this to work you all have to start from the same place.
It’s hard enough to blend without asking your son to move into someone else’s life. He will always feel second best in what is meant to be his home.

So his house isn’t even a mortgage? Why can’t he move to another house if his is rented?

If yours is a mortgage be very careful. Rent it out. Don’t sell it.

I really think you should rent a different property together so you are moving into neutral territory. Otherwise you and your DS are going to have to automatically slot into their rules etc.

By moving in somewhere new together there can be a discussion around house rules and where things live and all of you having a declutter etc.

When we moved in together, we made sure each child had a room the same size or bigger than the one they already had.

Stepfamilies are quite hard work. They aren’t like blood families and they all need a significant amount of space, physically and psychologically, and somewhere to retreat to.

If you are going to do this it needs to be fair dibs all round.

You’ve waited six years, so wait one more and buy together if you still want to.

I’m also confused about how you don’t have much time to see each other. Is that because of shifts? Will living together really make a big difference to this?

I would not do this. I am a single parent and if my child was telling me that they did not want to move, and why, then I would listen. The positive male role model thing- that seems a bit ephemeral, to be honest, and a bit tenuous. You have yourself admitted that you are seeing little of your partner and drifting apart. You don’t know he will be a positive role model as you have not ever lived together and if your son resents moving, is he even going to want that role model? You are moving into your partner and his son’s house, with their routines, giving your son a smaller room he does not want, on a hope that somehow the rocky road of blending two families will strengthen your relationship.
Your son is a courageous child to tell you openly and honestly what he thinks. I would listen, not ignore this.

@KatySun thanks for reply. I wouldn't ever consider it if my Son said a point blank no, the issue is one minute hes up for it and the next minute hes not. My partner is definitely a good role model as we have spent many many times together over the years and he is always very aware of the boys looking up to him and acts appropriately and likes to educate and give advice where he can.
I am very much trying to make the decision based on what's best for my Son. I do think having a male in the house to support me and him could be very good for him.

@MeridianB thanks for reply. We are not seeing each other as we are both key workers so when we are not at work we are tired and have our own households to run and kids to sort. With kids outside activities and more recently home schooling it's hard to be in each others homes for long. We do sleepovers with the kids once a week and then manage the odd cup of tea and perhaps a dinner midweek. That's it and its not enough to keep a relationship going for us. We could wait another year but right now seems ideal as my son has hardly any ties to our area but give it another year and he will probably have more friends he wont want to leave. We also dont know if we can last another year and we have been very close to breaking up over the stress of this situation. We are still dating after 6 years and it's not what either of us want anymore.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be pulling all the stops when a relationship is getting a bit distant. Can you manage it in a more “casual” way that may be easier to manage as a trial?

On the true excuse of coronavirus you can bubble up together for 3 months which gives you the opportunity to check how things work when spending more time together and also to check if your relationship is becoming distant because the lack of contact or other things. You get to keep your house in case things do not work just do not visit it while you are bubbled up (I know you say he prefers not to have a trial but then he is not risking anything, is he?)

If things work during this period great, your child will look forward to keep the status quo, if they don’t, no dramas for DS, your were only bubbling up.

Reflect on this: “With kids outside activities and more recently home schooling it's hard to be in each others homes for long.”

If it’s challenging to do it for short periods, how will it not be challenging to do it for a year? What can you change about the current circumstances to make it a successful year? Or, alternatively, what can you change to ensure you can all spend longer periods in one another’s homes more comfortably and regularly, without giving up your own home?

Moving into your partner’s home, when you can’t successfully spend prolonged periods there now, doesn’t sound like something that’ll work out positively.

You need a new, together-home, and to work on spending larger chunks together in the meantime, to acclimatise everyone.

I can semi-see where your son is coming from. His dad is useless, so you're the only security he has. His room is his, and his safe-space.

You're asking him to give up his space, his home and his guaranteed access to you, and in his eyes, he gains nothing for the trade. You're asking him to give up the two things that make him feel safe in his place in the world.

You can see the benefits of the 'male role model' thing, but he can't, and he may never do. Truthfully, if your boyfriend isn't in a quasi-stepdad role now, six years in, it isn't going to happen just because they're living together. At your son's age, their relationship is more likely to be driven by resentment than gratitude, I think.

I'd be very wary that the up-and-down isn't actually the 'he's happy/he's not' thing it appears and is in fact 'I'm not happy but sometimes I can pretend because I know you want it and I love you and sometimes I can't'.

I agree that children can't expect parents' lines to revolve 100% around them, but - particularly this year with all the other disruptions to his 'normal' - this might be too much.

If you are going to do it, it absolutely needs to be to a new, neutral space for all of you, with both boys a part of the process on equal terms and given free reign to decorate their own rooms till they're happy. Asking him to move in to your boyfriend's house is setting him up to fail. He's on the absolute back foot from day one, the tag-along invader with no comfort zone and no security. They already live there; you're moving in with your boyfriend - why's he there?

On a different note, if you are giving up an owned property to move into his rental, I'd be very cautious about how you do that. How easy would it be to reverse that decision and get back onto the property ladder afterward?

Is your home rented? If this doesn't work out, can you afford to get a new home for you and your son quickly?

My partner moved in with me after 6 years. It was difficult transition, mostly due to me refusing to give up my home incase it didn't work out, so he moved in with us. We were OK, we made adaptions, everything was OK. But his child living here full time, tipped me over the edge. I could not cope with it, they were all secondary school age, and brought up differently. Part way through the first lockdown, my partner moved back out.

We are still together. He comes over a couple of times a week, things are much better. We will try again in a couple of years, when the children are older. We all get on well, a year on nearly and we are happy living apart but being together.

But one thing I don't regret is trialling it here. Because my children have stayed in their home. They haven't been uprooted. They have adjusted to my partner coming a few times a week instead of living here well, DS1 has a great relationship with him especially.

It is going to be hard for your son, you're changing an environment he is happy with, for you. I'm not one to always wave the kids come first flag, but for pre teens and teens, I really believe they should be foremost in our thoughts with things like this.

@ginnybag thanks for your reply. I agree with where your coming from. My first thought was no way are we doing it unless we rent a new place together. For various reasons it makes sense to move to his place first for a period of time. When I
mentioned this to my Son he was really pleased about it. He really looks up to my boyfriend and enjoys being around him. To be honest it's more me who thinks it's not going to good for him. He seems to be more excited about as the days have gone on.
I am more worried, as much as my partner is great with my Son him and his boy are so different to my Son and I do worry he will feel left out.