The dreaded birthday weekend...

[SuperPixie247]

Every contact weekend is a fanfare of disrespect, no set rules around meals or bedtimes and a general shitty time for everyone that isn't DH or his D.

But the "birthday weekend". Oh Lord. I have only just got over the extremity that was Christmas. I sound a proper cow but I can't face it. Everything is to the max. DH has come home with "birthday tea" and "birthday breakfast" but nothing for me and DS "Oh God I totally forgot, supermarket was a nightmare but she will be happy so thats all that matters". I shit you not. For context, I am shielding and don't drive so I wasn't too happy myself!

I can see it now. Up until the early hours, taking over the living room and TV screaming down the PS4 headphones to her mates for hours, being a bit of a bully to DS if he plays with a toy, sits next to her whilst on PS4 and tries talk to her or if he plays with DCat. I am constantly worried about DS as I don't like him pushed around or spoken to like shit. And thats on a regular weekend . Going off previous form it'll be "well it is her birthday weekend".

I so wish we could have some harmony and feel more like a family and I do try but DH needs to bloody reign it in sometimes

@aSofaNearYou

DH is hyper sensitive to his DD and if he thinks that you pull a face, use a different tone, anything then he is all over it. Sometimes I genuienly worry about saying her name in case my natural face at that moment in time is a bit moody

This is a totally unreasonable way to have to live OP, this level of defensiveness is controlling and aggressive.

The food thing is awful, too. If he does things like that and then thinks he's the one in a position to berate you then he's delusional.

My oh gets defensive at times for his son but that’s down to his own insecurities.. my oh feels bad because he only sees him once a week. But my oh wouldn’t dare pull a stunt like that leaving me and my son out!!

Op you have mixed up 'hyper sensitive to' and 'pander to' mixed up... I would cringe being around such a man..

So if it were your ds birthday and you did the same, and his dd were at your house how would that play out?

Does anyone remember the thread where the SM described how straight after her husband and her had sex, he immediately took a bowl of cherries to his DD as some weird sort of offering of love?

It’s like some men have to just put their NR kids constantly ahead of the rest of their families.
It’s totally weird.

OP I’d be upset too. The birthday breakfast and dinner... yet nothing for you and DS is just plain cunty.

@Lollypop701 I just thought the same thing, I bet he’d go nuts. “You’ve left out my DD! How dare you!”

My oh gets defensive at times for his son but that’s down to his own insecurities.. my oh feels bad because he only sees him once a week. But my oh wouldn’t dare pull a stunt like that leaving me and my son out!!

I get the reasons behind the defensiveness a lot of separated parents display, but MN has really opened my eyes to just how toxic that behaviour can be. Now I don't have any patience for it.

YANBU. I would have been fuming from him not buying you or DS any food . He isn’t setting up her expectations for the real world very well. For example it was my birthday weekend last weekend. I got some lovely gifts, had a takeaway and enjoyed myself. But no “birthday breakfast”, everything about me, bad behaviour allowed and stuff everyone else. My fiancé would think that was excessive and l would have to agree

I think PCars comment was right unless your "D"H goes back to the shop to get at least your son some food.

Firstly he shouldn't treat another child who lives in his household so badly.

Secondly he is a male role model to your son and he is currently being a poor one.

*Does anyone remember the thread where the SM described how straight after her husband and her had sex, he immediately took a bowl of cherries to his DD as some weird sort of offering of love?
*
This made me a bit sick in my mouth.

@LouJ85 it was awful!
I remember reading it with my mouth wide open

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@LouJ85 it was awful!
I remember reading it with my mouth wide open [/quote]

Let me guess ... there were some people defending the behaviour as normal? I'd love to read it

That’s unreal about the cherries! The fact it was cherries adds an extra layer of symbolic ick factor, although the principal is bad enough.
It puts me in mind of the thread where OP was given the full SM treatment when she said she’d rather honeymoon without her SCs.
“When you marry a man with existing children, you accept that they come first and have to witness you making the children of the second family otherwise you will be pushing them out and they won’t know they are siblings and you will destroy their relationship with their father FOREVER!”

@Youseethethingis

That’s unreal about the cherries! The fact it was cherries adds an extra layer of symbolic ick factor, although the principal is bad enough. It puts me in mind of the thread where OP was given the full SM treatment when she said she’d rather honeymoon without her SCs. “When you marry a man with existing children, you accept that they come first and have to witness you making the children of the second family otherwise you will be pushing them out and they won’t know they are siblings and you will destroy their relationship with their father FOREVER!”

Noooooo. Please tell me this isn't real. I can't bear it.

Ok so I made up the big about witnessing the baby making.
But if you’re not allowed to honeymoon without them in case they feel “excluded” where are you allowed to draw the line? 🤔

@Youseethethingis

Ok so I made up the big about witnessing the baby making. But if you’re not allowed to honeymoon without them in case they feel “excluded” where are you allowed to draw the line? 🤔

Well, quite. Taking any child on a honeymoon is a step too far IMO. But each to their own

OP that’s really shit and I’d be fuming about not getting your ds any tea. That alone would really make me want to leave. I just couldn’t have one of my kids sidelined like that.

I second the poster who said order a take away for you and DS

How do you find this man attractive? His behaviour would literally kill any attraction stone dead.

Agree with @aSofaNearYou. Being on MN has opened my eyes to the excesses of this sort of bizarre behaviour -of entitled NR Disney-Dads, ridiculous expectations of what SM ought to put up with in their own homes as being second class citizens.

Another vote for you to tuck yourself up with DS, get yourself a takeaway, and plan for a future without this batshit crazy stepchild worshipping bollox. It’s not normal.

I honestly don’t know how you put up with it. Her behaviour towards your son is completely unacceptable and your “partner”’s treatment of you both is despicable.

What’s keeping you there OP? You know it’s shit and that you and your child deserve better.

DS is 4 and SD is now 11. Her birthday was a few days ago but this is the first time DH has seen her since.

Plan was to take DS out to park and walks today but it is throwing it down! My DM is in our childcare bubble (she is on her own, furloughed and is basically shielding as much as she can for me) and she has offered to do a nice evening meal so will go down there. DH won't be happy that I won't be stood with open arms and the national guard when he returns with her but oh well.

DS has his birthday next month and, like many kids, has had a shit year so I plan to spoil him a bit. Maybe a birthday week?!

Oh and, yes, the cherries thing is utterly revolting

I'd let them crack on and spoil your son rotten. Do something fun 1 on 1 with him, get a takeaway delivered for just you two. Then tuck him into bed with an extra story and wait for your 'D'H to tell you that it was unfair...

Is dsd included in Valentine's day? My exh's ex used to tell him he had to buy dsd a card with a question mark inside..dsd was under 7...

@SuperPixie247 I’d definitely do a birthday week especially because that’s how it usually works out anyway. Seeing some people on some days, others another day, etc. Maybe line up a video call with a different person each day and open their presents on the call. You’ll get to stretch out the joy that way too.

@spongebobnopants

Cherries... To his daughter... After sex???
That can't have been real surely???

@Justriseaboveitkiddo it was awful! I remember reading it in astonishment!
The poor woman posting it shared several examples which showed a wider pattern of behaviour which was really disturbing. People were talking of “mini wife” syndrome which until that point I’d not heard of.
I’ve had it to a lesser extent with my DP, so when I’ve noticed the behaviour I’ve stamped it out hard and fast. Over Christmas I was really really poorly with a chest infection (not covid) and rather than being the wonderful caring and compassionate man my DP normally is, he was distant and seemingly annoyed I was ill. He behaved as if he was pissed off that I dared to be poorly over his children’s Christmas (never mind my own kids). I was lying on the sofa one day unable to move I felt so poorly, having been ignored by my DP all morning, when my SD16 comes and lies on the other end of the sofa. She made a remark about it being slightly cold in the living room and I kid you not my DP pulled the blanket I had on me off me and started tucking it in over SD.
I completely lost it with it. I called him out in front of his children for being an uncaring little shit and rang my mum (who’s house we went to later that day for Christmas dinner) and told her what he did.

He apologised and we laugh about it now but I said in no uncertain terms that if he ever treats me with such disrespect again I will leave him.

Like the bowl of cherries incident, it was almost as if he was trying to prove to his nearly adult daughter that he loved her the most and it felt like I was being knocked down from poll position as the no.1 lady in his life. It was bizarre as there has never been any competition between SD and I but he seemed to create a weird worry in his head as she grew up. He for example wouldn’t just compliment me when I got dressed up to go out, he would have to turn to his daughters and subsequently tell them they were beautiful too.
It was vile and I told him it was creepy so he stopped.

There can be some strange dynamics between NR father’s and their DDs, I don’t mean in a sexual way by the way, but I do think they let girls rule the roost more than they would than if they had sons. It’s almost as if post-split with their mothers they allow their eldest DD to step into the dominant female role in their life which then becomes problematic when they begin dating as the adult female then won’t tolerate that and it creates a very odd and unhealthy dynamic.

Luckily I snapped any bizarre behaviours like this out my DP out of it sharpish and continue to pull him up on it when I find things uncomfortable or demeaning.