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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

The dreaded birthday weekend...

69 replies

SuperPixie247 · 05/02/2021 12:08

Every contact weekend is a fanfare of disrespect, no set rules around meals or bedtimes and a general shitty time for everyone that isn't DH or his D.

But the "birthday weekend". Oh Lord. I have only just got over the extremity that was Christmas. I sound a proper cow but I can't face it. Everything is to the max. DH has come home with "birthday tea" and "birthday breakfast" but nothing for me and DS "Oh God I totally forgot, supermarket was a nightmare but she will be happy so thats all that matters". I shit you not. For context, I am shielding and don't drive so I wasn't too happy myself!

I can see it now. Up until the early hours, taking over the living room and TV screaming down the PS4 headphones to her mates for hours, being a bit of a bully to DS if he plays with a toy, sits next to her whilst on PS4 and tries talk to her or if he plays with DCat. I am constantly worried about DS as I don't like him pushed around or spoken to like shit. And thats on a regular weekend . Going off previous form it'll be "well it is her birthday weekend".

I so wish we could have some harmony and feel more like a family and I do try but DH needs to bloody reign it in sometimes

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PCar20 · 05/02/2021 12:12

If you’re than unhappy, leave

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2021 12:32

If you’re than unhappy, leave

OR, her dh could be a bit more considerate and realise that the whole world doesn’t revolve around his child.

But yes, him leaving might be nice actually.

Dollyparton3 · 05/02/2021 12:33

@PCar20 wow, was that necessary or helpful?

OP this is similar to the over compensating thread, I think discussions need to be had. In pre Covid times I used to make other plans whenever possible when SD was here, in lockdown we've had to have the chat.

Is this an ongoing theme that's escalated with age of the child? Or new behaviour

Bollss · 05/02/2021 12:43

@PCar20

If you’re than unhappy, leave

that was really fucking helpful, well done.

OP, sorry to ask the obvious, but have you brought this up with him in the past and how unfair it is?

LouJ85 · 05/02/2021 12:45

DH has come home with "birthday tea" and "birthday breakfast" but nothing for me and DS "Oh God I totally forgot, supermarket was a nightmare but she will be happy so thats all that matters".

This speaks volumes and I'd be absolutely fuming. If that's "all that matters" the implied undertone is that you don't. I'm angry on your behalf.

Kel9 · 05/02/2021 12:56

I’d be angry too! Yes children are a priority but so the hell are you!

Sounds like my weekends lol I use to dread my step son coming and it was probably down to my own anxieties to be honest as I felt the shift in the house and didn’t like it.

I’m still working during covid so now my fiancé gets his son and I’m working sounds terrible but it works for me.

DowntonCrabby · 05/02/2021 13:01

You don’t have a DSD problem, you have a DH problem.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 05/02/2021 13:02

Oh jesus the only buying food for the dsc happens here a lot. I went mental at dp once and he just looked confused! I'd never buy the kids a treat and not all of them if hey were all here as its wierd and divisive.
Make him go back to the shop, I would make dp if he pulled that and left you n your ds without food... Just wierd

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2021 13:09

I think she’s got a “both” problem. Why is it always a case of stepchildren aren’t responsible for their own behaviour?

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 05/02/2021 13:11

Is this an ongoing theme that's escalated with age of the child? Or new behaviour Its kind of escalated as she has got older as his idea of "treats" have changes e.g. the playstation stuff and bedtimes.

OP, sorry to ask the obvious, but have you brought this up with him in the past and how unfair it is? So many times which usually end up in massive rows so I try not to now. DH is hyper sensitive to his DD and if he thinks that you pull a face, use a different tone, anything then he is all over it. Sometimes I genuienly worry about saying her name in case my natural face at that moment in time is a bit moody

Good to know I'm not being petty over the food too, I felt a bit silly typing it out!

OP posts:

wizzbangfizz · 05/02/2021 13:13

The food thing is thoughtless but what is the backstory here - is your ds his child as well? Are you married?

LouJ85 · 05/02/2021 13:15

Good to know I'm not being petty over the food too, I felt a bit silly typing it out!

Definitely not petty. It's also his response to it about her being "all that matters". If my DP had genuinely had a brain fart moment and not got anything for me whilst food shopping for his kids (unlikely, but if he had), his response on me pulling him up on would be "shit, what an idiot, totally forgot what you needed. I'll go back to the shops..." Not - well my kids had food so that's the sum total of what I need to consider.

Noncommittalagain · 05/02/2021 13:18

DH has come home with "birthday tea" and "birthday breakfast" but nothing for me and DS "Oh God I totally forgot, supermarket was a nightmare but she will be happy so thats all that matters".

This reminds me of the Mother's Day when my DH went to the shop and came back with cakes for the kids and nothing for me. I felt so disrespected, he went out and bought me some sweets that he knew I'd never liked and then punched a hole in the door when I cried. Not stepfamily related but the entitlement and thoughtlessness in that scenario is heartbreaking

MissyB1 · 05/02/2021 13:21

To be honest I couldn’t live like that and I would bitterly resent his lack of thought about you and ds. Also the tip toeing around him about his dd is a bad sign. Why should you walk on egg shells about anything to do with your relationship or what happens in your home? Is it really sustainable to live like that?
Would you both be open to the idea of counselling to hopefully improve the communication and negotiation?

Neversleepingever · 05/02/2021 13:28

Order a nice takeaway just for you and DS and snuggle in your room and have a takeaway and film night while DH and his DD have their exclusive birthday tea.

Make a plan to take DD to the park or a walk the next day to get a bit of space from DD's loud PS4ing.

Neversleepingever · 05/02/2021 13:29

DS to the park*

aSofaNearYou · 05/02/2021 13:34

DH is hyper sensitive to his DD and if he thinks that you pull a face, use a different tone, anything then he is all over it. Sometimes I genuienly worry about saying her name in case my natural face at that moment in time is a bit moody

This is a totally unreasonable way to have to live OP, this level of defensiveness is controlling and aggressive.

The food thing is awful, too. If he does things like that and then thinks he's the one in a position to berate you then he's delusional.

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2021 13:38

Order a nice takeaway just for you and DS and snuggle in your room and have a takeaway and film night while DH and his DD have their exclusive birthday tea.

Perfect!

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 05/02/2021 13:39

@Noncommittalagain - thats awful. Sorry you had to experience that and I hope things are better now

We are married, yes. Been together 4 years and friends for 2 before that. My DS isn't his biological but he has been in his life since less than a year old. My ex and I split whilst I was pregnant but he has turned himself around and we co-parent excellently. Him and DH have grown to be friends now which is good for DS! I hoped for the same with his ex-W but alas!

Sunday my DS will visit his Dad so he is okay then. Tomorrow I will do a main meal for lunch when it is 2 of us and we can have a picnic style tea on bed at night as he is a bit young for takeaway. Through the day, plenty of walks and fresh air!

OP posts:

Alexandernevermind · 05/02/2021 13:39

@Neversleepingever's idea is a good one. You shouldn't have to, but leave them to it and spend quality time just the two of you. How old are the children?

speaksofty · 05/02/2021 13:58

I would make plans to spend some one to one time with your ds during the contact weekends and perhaps just have dinner together in the evening? Boundaries around noise in the evening, and a family film with popcorn might solve the other issues.

You have many more years of this, so you need to find a way to feel comfortable with it.

Tigertealeaves · 05/02/2021 14:11

@Noncommittalagain good lord what a twat! for you. I thought it was bad when my DP, on my first EVER mother's day as a parent, bought things for his ex and forgot me...

OP, in your shoes I'd vote with my feet and take DS out and do nice things. But DH needs to teach his DD how to deal with other children!

Tigertealeaves · 05/02/2021 14:12

(He's the twat obviously is what I meant in my first comment. But this is the Internet so best to make clear )

Youseethethingis · 05/02/2021 14:34

As much a PCars comment was brutal, I do think that option should definitely be on the table. This is a very unhealthy environment for you and your DS, that will grind away at you for the next 50 years only if you let it.
If you can’t talk about it without it escalating into a row, what hope is there, really, of reaching a balanced happy medium in your home?
He’s going to bring up a tyrant, no, he seems bloody determined to bring up a tyrant, and if he can’t see what’s wrong with this picture it will never get any better

Santaiscovidfree · 05/02/2021 14:37

When is ds's birthday? You need to go way way way Ott.

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