The dreaded birthday weekend...

[SuperPixie247]

Every contact weekend is a fanfare of disrespect, no set rules around meals or bedtimes and a general shitty time for everyone that isn't DH or his D.

But the "birthday weekend". Oh Lord. I have only just got over the extremity that was Christmas. I sound a proper cow but I can't face it. Everything is to the max. DH has come home with "birthday tea" and "birthday breakfast" but nothing for me and DS "Oh God I totally forgot, supermarket was a nightmare but she will be happy so thats all that matters". I shit you not. For context, I am shielding and don't drive so I wasn't too happy myself!

I can see it now. Up until the early hours, taking over the living room and TV screaming down the PS4 headphones to her mates for hours, being a bit of a bully to DS if he plays with a toy, sits next to her whilst on PS4 and tries talk to her or if he plays with DCat. I am constantly worried about DS as I don't like him pushed around or spoken to like shit. And thats on a regular weekend . Going off previous form it'll be "well it is her birthday weekend".

I so wish we could have some harmony and feel more like a family and I do try but DH needs to bloody reign it in sometimes

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Justriseaboveitkiddo it was awful! I remember reading it in astonishment!
The poor woman posting it shared several examples which showed a wider pattern of behaviour which was really disturbing. People were talking of “mini wife” syndrome which until that point I’d not heard of.
I’ve had it to a lesser extent with my DP, so when I’ve noticed the behaviour I’ve stamped it out hard and fast. Over Christmas I was really really poorly with a chest infection (not covid) and rather than being the wonderful caring and compassionate man my DP normally is, he was distant and seemingly annoyed I was ill. He behaved as if he was pissed off that I dared to be poorly over his children’s Christmas (never mind my own kids). I was lying on the sofa one day unable to move I felt so poorly, having been ignored by my DP all morning, when my SD16 comes and lies on the other end of the sofa. She made a remark about it being slightly cold in the living room and I kid you not my DP pulled the blanket I had on me off me and started tucking it in over SD.
I completely lost it with it. I called him out in front of his children for being an uncaring little shit and rang my mum (who’s house we went to later that day for Christmas dinner) and told her what he did.

He apologised and we laugh about it now but I said in no uncertain terms that if he ever treats me with such disrespect again I will leave him.

Like the bowl of cherries incident, it was almost as if he was trying to prove to his nearly adult daughter that he loved her the most and it felt like I was being knocked down from poll position as the no.1 lady in his life. It was bizarre as there has never been any competition between SD and I but he seemed to create a weird worry in his head as she grew up. He for example wouldn’t just compliment me when I got dressed up to go out, he would have to turn to his daughters and subsequently tell them they were beautiful too.
It was vile and I told him it was creepy so he stopped.

There can be some strange dynamics between NR father’s and their DDs, I don’t mean in a sexual way by the way, but I do think they let girls rule the roost more than they would than if they had sons. It’s almost as if post-split with their mothers they allow their eldest DD to step into the dominant female role in their life which then becomes problematic when they begin dating as the adult female then won’t tolerate that and it creates a very odd and unhealthy dynamic.

Luckily I snapped any bizarre behaviours like this out my DP out of it sharpish and continue to pull him up on it when I find things uncomfortable or demeaning.[/quote]

I read your post with an open mouth. Taking the blanket off his sick partner because the teenager is "cold"? I can't believe some of the awful shit some SMs are subjected to by their other halves. I think I've been very lucky in that respect - and after reading all of this I'll make much of an effort to be grateful for that daily!

@SuperPixie247 how did it go? How did your DH manage to navigate the “DSD has a special breakfast and you don’t” with your DS?

I was lying on the sofa one day unable to move I felt so poorly, having been ignored by my DP all morning, when my SD16 comes and lies on the other end of the sofa. She made a remark about it being slightly cold in the living room and I kid you not my DP pulled the blanket I had on me off me and started tucking it in over SD.

Wtaf is this insanity??

I got in a pack of them giant crumpets - one for him and one for me.

DS is going to his dads soon. He has been self-isolating for 2 weeks as he had to go to an immediate familys funeral so I am going to have half an hour chat with him then when I get back, DH will have set off back.

SD has been following DS around the house whilst he has been on his tablet and kept telling him to shush. Even in his own room

Oh I know @aSofaNearYou! Fucking terrible isn’t it! I went ballistic, in front of SD too because she’s old enough to know that he was being disrespectful to me. She agreed with me by the way

Some of these posts are just . Yikes, such an unhealthy dynamic.

OP, I hope you have a lovely time with your mum. Your DH, it doesn't even need to be said, is being a total idiot.

@SuperPixie247 my SD11 used to do this to my DS6, constantly telling him to be quiet. I used ask her to stop but one day I changed tactic and every time she made a noise I asked her to be quiet, I asked her to turn her music down, turn the tv down, turn her phone off etc and then she snapped and shouted “why are you being like this with me?” and I told her “I’ve only been doing it for a couple of hours, you do this to DS all the time. It’s not kind is it”.

She stopped, apologised, we had a hug and now she doesn’t really do it anymore... unless DS is being genuinely annoying (I mean he is 6 and can be a pain) but then I have SD’s back and ask him to be quiet myself

Your DH has behaved appallingly and has allowed his DD to bully your DS in his own bedroom. Sometimes NR dads need reminding that their kids are no more special or important than your resident children and if the tables were turned would he have been ok with your DS constantly telling his DD to be quiet.

I bet not.

This reminds me of a birthday a few years ago with my exp’s children. We had by this point been together a few years. And generally what I had always done for any child’s birthday was get any of the other children a little present (really small/ cheap) to open. Even something as simple as their favourite magazine so they had something to open. I would also travel with work and always return with something for my children - I started returning with a little something (always) for his children. Even if it was something small like biscuits/ sweets from that country. I remember landing from a US trip knowing that there were a fair few children in his house and I had something for all of them - not just mine. I always told my children that this is what kindness looks like - I show them what I want them to model.

Fast forward to his eldests birthday. Ridiculous (and I mean) ridiculous mountain of presents. Not my problem, not my money, I never said a word about the ridiculous amounts of over compensating at Christmas / birthdays.

Re the presents for the another children? He got his youngest some little presents.
He had gotten my children nothing.

My eldest (nothing ever bothers him) was visibly riled. My youngest was ambivalent. So I got the eldest and said let’s pop out to the shops to get a few bits I need. As we were shopping I asked him if he was ok. And he literally exploded. About how I had always ensured we included his children and he reminded of the last mini break we had taken and how I had ensured we found something thoughtful to take back for his children. His blunt words? You make so much effort for him and his children, why do you bother? Because he doesn’t do the same for us. And it’s not that I want anything from him, but it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you continue to think about his children and he doesn’t think about us. I simply said that we had done the right thing and to always choose being kind. And that I was sorry he had forgotten, that reflected on him and not us.

My point? Children notice all these things. For me? I was furious and put a rocket up him. His initial response? Why hadn’t I gotten something to give to my children? My jaw hit the ground.
From that point on, it was the beginning of the end.

It’s amazing how much these men expect regards their children (red carpet/ confetti). But the rest of the children? Second class citizens.
The stuff around the partner? And the ability to healthily separate this is my father/ daughter relationship from this is my adult intimate relationship? Dont get me started. I saw all of that coming too. Gross beyond belief.

It’s amazing how much these men expect regards their children (red carpet/ confetti). But the rest of the children? Second class citizens.

100%. Everything is 'wife work' to some men too.

The ones who expect their wife to do literally everything for his children while he does bugger all drive me crazy! Amazing how often it happens.

I feel like what DH is doing isn't good for anyone. He is just creating a divide between his DD and you and your DS by 'forgetting' the food (what's it going to look like to his DD- like you don't want to be involved? Or that she is more important in the household than you both, when everyone should be equal)? It not only affects you and DS, but also his DD as well.

You will have this favouritism for the rest of your marriage. How long until you can't sleep it anymore?

100%. Everything is 'wife work' to some men too.

The ones who expect their wife to do literally everything for his children while he does bugger all drive me crazy! Amazing how often it happens.

Oh my god yes.

One year when it was the night before dsc’s birthday, my ex had a go at me because I wanted to go to bed instead of wrapping dsc’s presents up. I kid you not.
Would I have wrapped my own children’s presents up without giving it a second though? Yes I probably would. Because he knew he could get away with it and he knew he use my love for our children to control me.
But on this particular night I had had I e-fucking-nough and wanted to go to bed. The look on his face like he was some poor little victim having to wrap his own child’s presents up and the way he went on about how I’d “do it if it was one of the others”. I told him “Well you don’t do any of your children’s wrapping so here’s your big opportunity.” He still refused to do it. I bloody ended up doing it in the end as I didn’t want dsc to wake up with no presents to open, and also I didn’t want everyone to then blame ME for it.

Makes me soooo mad every time I think about it.

That's dreadful @sassbott I really feel for your eldest. Children definitely do notice, DS is 4 so he is less aware but SD is 11 now and will pick up on these things. He has took SD home now anyway.

It's really disappointing because DH is generally such a good guy! He is kind, generous, excellent with DS, pulls his weight round the house, I could go on! But the minute he has to think about SD (e.g. buying food, planning stuff) he turns into a selfish rat and if her name is mentioned, he almost gets defensive no matter what the subject is.

Can anyone relate to that? I love him and what we have and don't want to give that up over this but its so fucking tiring EOW.

Ugh @funinthesun19! The lazy, manipulative arse

I'd just ask him if he's happy with the way his DD is turning out. What with the entitled behaviour, bullying etc. Also, don't allow her into your DS's bedroom, he probably goes in there to get away from her.

@funinthesun19 You’re a better woman than me, wrapping those gifts. He sounds on another planet.

@sassbott Your son sounds incredibly wise - you must be really proud of him.

@SuperPixie247 You are not being unreasonable and I agree with others who say this is not going to get any better, unless his SD drops time with him for her friends in her teens.

No one should be taking over a common space like a living room for that long. I’d put a screen in her room and let her get on with it, if he’s not going to parent her.

I would come down like a ton of bricks every single time she was mean to DS. And that is not a stepchild issue, it’s just unacceptable for an 11yo to bully anyone, especially a much younger child. It’s such poor behaviour. Go zero tolerance on her and and her Disney father about this - your little boy needs your support.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I'd just ask him if he's happy with the way his DD is turning out. What with the entitled behaviour, bullying etc. Also, don't allow her into your DS's bedroom, he probably goes in there to get away from her.

Great points.

I bet DSD goes nuts if DS goes into her room. So his is off limits to her.

Bad behaviour should have consequences or it will never stop.

My exh also held resentment towards me that I had my dc more than he had his...

@MeridianB yes he’s a good lad. And he was pivotal in opening my eyes to how damaging this behaviour could have been had I allowed it.

@SuperPixie247 I’m afraid I have no helpful advice. I do agree with the others, stop SD from bullying your son. Immediately. I’m lucky, my eldest has high EQ and was able to verbalise how much certain behaviours bothered him. Your SS is too young, but he needs shielding from this.

Re the expressions/ behaviour. I would try and tackle it with a gentle convo with your DP when you are both relaxed, without kids and minus alcohol. Raise it and ask him, what he perceives/ how he feels when this happens. Listen.
Then seek to reassure him. Calmly. But also say, that you can have bad days when SD is there and that is perfectly natural. And he needs to give you space to be yourself. And not make it all about SD. Make sense?