StepParenting affecting my mental health!!

Fark007 · 2021-01-31T01:10:52+00:00

Hi I am new to this so I apologise if I do not get the lingo right. I have two 17 year old step daughters who are younger than their age in every way. I have been working from home for some time and have found that the girls have taken to this and spend weeks on end at my partner and my place. He is out at work during the day which means I am left with them all day whilst I am trying to work. It is really beginning to affect my mental health as I already suffer from depression I can’t be myself in my own home. I can’t sit where I want, do what I want or watch what I want because there’s a ‘child’ or two that I have to supervise. I am a person who enjoys my own company when my partner is out at work and me working from home and I feel like I can’t breathe with his kids being around. I’m getting angry, impatient and anxious all of which I keep bottled up so that I don’t lose my shit in front of them/at them. I feel like if I was going out to work like I was before, they wouldn’t be staying over a lot because they wouldn’t want to be on their own during the day but just because I’m working from home it’s not an open invite to stay over because I can’t entertain them!

Whichname98 · 31/01/2021 01:32

That sounds tricky. They probably like the company and its a good sign that they like you and are willing to spend time around you. At the same time though it's draining for you when you are trying to concentrate on work. Could you perhaps have a word with your partner and say that you enjoy seeing them but perhaps allow them to visit on set days between certain times to lay down a few boundaries? Explain to them also that you need to focus on work.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 01:40

Where's their mother and why do you have to supervise 17 year olds, fgs?

I would be telling your partner that if he isn't there and you are working, the girls can't be there.

P3rsephone · 31/01/2021 01:52

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LizFlowers · 31/01/2021 05:55

Interesting P3sephone, I'm glad you had such a good relationship but......what does that have to do with the op working from home with two seventeen year old girls - young women - always in the house?

Fark, I don't see why you have to supervise the girls and, frankly, don't understand why they want to be at yours so much hanging about during the day. They are not children any more.

niceupthedance · 31/01/2021 06:55

Can't you spend time in your bedroom?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 31/01/2021 07:06

They are 17 so shouldn’t need to be supervised as such.

But as an introvert myself, I completely understand you wanting that time in the house alone.

I’m not really sure of the best way of getting that without upsetting someone though.

Perhaps tell the girls how much you love having them around but you are worried that their mother misses them and it isn’t fair to her? And just reiterate how much it means to you that they are so comfortable at your house and you are so grateful that they spend 50% of their time there?

lifestooshort123 · 31/01/2021 07:15

I'd come to an agreement with their dad as to what's reasonable (2 weekdays each week?) and present a united front to the girls. Say it's lovely to see them but your work is suffering from having their company every day so this is the new arrangement. Don't ask them, tell them - you are the adults.

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/01/2021 07:35

Surely it's not your yours and his home, it should be "our" home, including the girls?

How much supervision do you really think they need? Even if younger in mentality, they hardly need you to wipe their bums! So I think that yabu. They are a part of the package and indeed could still be wanting to be there for many more years to come!
It sounds as though you didn't think through having a relationship with a man with children and assumed they'd not be an integral part of your life and you're wrong!
What's worse is that you're in good position, given they obviously feel a positive relationship and don't seem to realise!
You can still wfh. You can acknowledge them, have the odd conversation and then continue working! Imagine if they were 7 and you were trying to wfh!
As for not sitting where you want? Really! Ott.
Of course it's harder getting used to having 4 instead of 2,but you knew what you were signing up for!

SpongebobNoPants · 31/01/2021 07:44

@MotherExtraordinaire you have won a full house on MN stepparenting bingo! Congratulations 🎉

SpongebobNoPants · 31/01/2021 07:48

OP speak to your partner, explain how difficult you’re finding it and set boundaries. I agree with a PP who suggested a limit, either set days or push for 50/50 at most.
It’s your home too, you should feel comfortable there and if it’s affecting your mental health than speak up NOW.

Please don’t let this drag on and suffer in silence to appease everyone else in this situation. Too many SMs martyr themselves through fear of being seen as being mean. You’re not being mean and having a say about what happens in your home does not mean you don’t like the girls or they’re unwelcome.

Where is there mum in all of this? Does she work outside of her home or is she at home?

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 31/01/2021 08:00

Ok they are 17 not 12, so do what you want, watch what you want. They don't need constant supervision, they are almost adults!!!

MyGodImSoYoung · 31/01/2021 09:20

@MotherExtraordinaire For God's sake, thank you for such an unhelpful comment.

Yes, obviously it is known that there is a possibility something might happen one day which means step children end up permanently living with one parent and their partner. However, as far as one can tell, this is not the case for OP. There is seemingly a mother in the picture.

I love my SC. Would I want them hanging around my home all day for weeks on end when they could still be seeing their mothers? No. If they themselves haven't actually asked to move in full time, then why should it be expected that OP should just accept them being there?

A conversation needs to be had as to what is now happening. If they want to stay there full time, then OP needs to know this.

Somethingkindaoooo · 31/01/2021 09:25

Do the girls not have online college lessons?

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/01/2021 10:06

[quote MyGodImSoYoung]@MotherExtraordinaire For God's sake, thank you for such an unhelpful comment.

Yes, obviously it is known that there is a possibility something might happen one day which means step children end up permanently living with one parent and their partner. However, as far as one can tell, this is not the case for OP. There is seemingly a mother in the picture.

I love my SC. Would I want them hanging around my home all day for weeks on end when they could still be seeing their mothers? No. If they themselves haven't actually asked to move in full time, then why should it be expected that OP should just accept them being there?

A conversation needs to be had as to what is now happening. If they want to stay there full time, then OP needs to know this.[/quote]
They shouldn't have to ask to live there full-time! It's a privilege for the parent that this is the case and the SP needs to get on board with appreciating this.

They're really not interfering with her life, beyond the fact that they're actually in the home and when all in the living room there's 4 wanting a seat not 2!
Op's bed has been made and now she has two choices sleep in it gracefully or expect a rift and that this will Likely not end up favourably for the op...

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 31/01/2021 10:16

About a month after my dp moved in with me he was invited to the pub for his friends birthday, I was on call that weekend so couldn't go anyway. He asked if I minded if he went after he had put dsc to bed. I didn't mind one little bit but warned him that if I got called out then there was absolutely no way I could hang around waiting for him to return, I would have to leave dsc in bed home alone and text him from the surgery if I got the chance.
I think that was probably the point he realised (not that he had ever expected me to before) that I could never be relied upon for childcare and he has never asked since. Sometimes dsc will arrange with me that we do something but that's up to me and the dsc no one else decides for us. My dp has never expected his child to be there when he is not, that's not how this parenting thing works in our house. If I'm doing a bit of wfh, I do it at home because I know I won't be distracted by all the other things that need my attention at work and I would not like to think there were other people in the house needing my attention as it would totally defeat the object of having wfh time.
I totally understand what you mean about not being yourself in your own home, we get set in our ways and have our own little idiosyncrasies and when someone else is there or indeed when you move in with someone new, all these things seem to need working out again and it's bloody hard.
We still have the great tatty coat gate every day... My tatty old garden fleece lives on the back of the kitchen chair and my garden shoes live next to the bin, they have done for almost 2 decades, no other coat or shoe of mine or anyone elses live outside a cupboard because that's just not what happens here. It drives my dp up the wall so much so that he has taken to hiding the chair if I go out into the garden so there is nowhere for my coat to go when I get back. This is lighthearted stuff that creates lots of opportunities for laughter when the chair is perching prwcariously against the fire side with a sign saying I'd rather burn than be a coat hanger but if one of us was to take real offence or this was just another thing in a long line of little things then a stupid little thing like a coat on the back of a chair could turn into a majot incident.
It is not for other people to tell you what is acceptable for you, it is for you to decide. If you need the time and space in your home then take it, if you want to spend time with dsc without dad then arrange that with them not dad, but it's at a mutually convenient time for you both, not convenient for one and not the not the other.
I do tend to put work above a lot of things but it's important stuff... You can't tell a dying animal to hang on in there and I'll see you tomorrow because I'm busy right now. Most people value their own work as much as I value mine but that's not to say mine is more or less important than yours. And yours is no more or less important than your mans. If the kids being there is causing you stress I guarantee it will be affecting your ability at work and at some point the people who give you your beer tokens each month are going to have something to say about it. The kids absolutely would not go to the office with you and I think everyone in your house needs to see your house as an official place of work during office hours. If they do indeed need a little extra care than other 17 year olds then tell their parents to provide this for them. Everyone is having to deal with the kind of life they never knew existed before last year and whilst we seem to have got into the mindset of helping a bit more in ways we would never have before we have also been living like this long enough to forget to be grateful for the help we do receive and to remember that the people who are helping us have feelings and needs to.

aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2021 10:49

They shouldn't have to ask to live there full-time! It's a privilege for the parent that this is the case and the SP needs to get on board with appreciating this. They're really not interfering with her life, beyond the fact that they're actually in the home and when all in the living room there's 4 wanting a seat not 2! Op's bed has been made and now she has two choices sleep in it gracefully or expect a rift and that this will Likely not end up favourably for the op...

Haha you're funny. Yes the absolutely do need to ask to live there full time. Partly because it affects all the adults logistically, and partly because their dad is living with another adult who is not their parent now, and he will always have to run major decisions like this past her. His bed has been made, and now all he has to do is decide whether to lie in it gracefully...

aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2021 10:54

OP if they are still immature enough to need supervising then it's perfectly reasonable to tell them you are too busy to watch them and they need to stick to certain days. Children are very used to needing an adult to look after them so this is a language they should understand.

Santaiscovidfree · 31/01/2021 10:56

Not sure many biological dps would agree to having 2 teens under foot all day to be a privilege tbh...

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/01/2021 11:04

@aSofaNearYou

They shouldn't have to ask to live there full-time! It's a privilege for the parent that this is the case and the SP needs to get on board with appreciating this. They're really not interfering with her life, beyond the fact that they're actually in the home and when all in the living room there's 4 wanting a seat not 2! Op's bed has been made and now she has two choices sleep in it gracefully or expect a rift and that this will Likely not end up favourably for the op...

Haha you're funny. Yes the absolutely do need to ask to live there full time. Partly because it affects all the adults logistically, and partly because their dad is living with another adult who is not their parent now, and he will always have to run major decisions like this past her. His bed has been made, and now all he has to do is decide whether to lie in it gracefully...

No. Its their home too. Or it should be! If it's not then the op should never have moved him/her in together. The children are not second class citizens. They are his blood. His children.

It's shocking the attitudes on here.

Hillary111 · 31/01/2021 11:07

MotherE trotting out the same old lines on a step parenting board yet again! Are you a step parent? Do you have any idea of the intricacies/difficulties of being a step parent? I doubt it!
OP, it is your house and your opinion and you are entitled to it. Speak up to your OH and try and come up with a schedule that works for all of you.

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/01/2021 11:16

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aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2021 11:21

No. Its their home too. Or it should be! If it's not then the op should never have moved him/her in together. The children are not second class citizens. They are his blood. His children. It's shocking the attitudes on here.

Do you have any experience of this situation? Your comments are laughably naive.

Is their mother supposed to just accept them never showing up at home? What happens if school runs cannot be accommodated? What if dad is away from the house for days at a time, and there's nobody to watch them? What if neither parent can afford the change in finances? Of course children living between two homes need to ask permission to move to the other one or change the contact arrangement, even just looking at it from a practical point of view.

As to the other part, you are being absolute peak MN and putting all the responsibility for "knowing what they got themselves into" onto the SM. It cuts both ways. As soon as HE decided to live with OP, he made himself beholden to compromise and to consult with her on major decisions. My partner knows I do not want to live with his son full time. HE made the decision to live with me anyway, because that isn't really on the cards. It is not up to me to "be a second class citizen" and do all the compromising.

YouJustDoYou · 31/01/2021 11:23

I can see it from both viewpoints. I was very much a hindrance to my own step mother, she wanted her life and we as his children by his ex were not part of what she wanted. However, though I felt utterly rejected as a child/teen I can now sympathise in a way as I am a very, very private person and it's hard enough as it is having my OWN children around me day after day after day without a break, let alone were I a step parent to my partner's children. Op is human - it must be hard to have two teens around ALL the time with no mental break from them. I know I'd find it hard. Op, have you spoken at all to your partner about this? Is it not possible for them to spend time at their mum's, if she's around at all? Or is she shielding right now? We need a bit more info.

harryclr · 31/01/2021 11:26

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@MotherExtraordinaire you have won a full house on MN stepparenting bingo! Congratulations 🎉[/quote]
Lol

SpongebobNoPants · 31/01/2021 11:31

I don’t just assume my DP is ok with being left alone with my kids and they live here full time!

By the same token I’ve made it clear I am happy to have his kids here when asked, but as a general rule if their dad isn’t here then neither are they.

It is one of their homes, it is my only home. I am not their mother and if dad isn’t there to parent or spend time with them then I don’t really want the responsibility for having them here.