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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

StepParenting affecting my mental health!!

85 replies

Fark007 · 31/01/2021 01:10

Hi I am new to this so I apologise if I do not get the lingo right. I have two 17 year old step daughters who are younger than their age in every way. I have been working from home for some time and have found that the girls have taken to this and spend weeks on end at my partner and my place. He is out at work during the day which means I am left with them all day whilst I am trying to work. It is really beginning to affect my mental health as I already suffer from depression I can’t be myself in my own home. I can’t sit where I want, do what I want or watch what I want because there’s a ‘child’ or two that I have to supervise.

I am a person who enjoys my own company when my partner is out at work and me working from home and I feel like I can’t breathe with his kids being around. I’m getting angry, impatient and anxious all of which I keep bottled up so that I don’t lose my shit in front of them/at them.

I feel like if I was going out to work like I was before, they wouldn’t be staying over a lot because they wouldn’t want to be on their own during the day but just because I’m working from home it’s not an open invite to stay over because I can’t entertain them!

OP posts:

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 16:19

They need to stop sleeping in the same room as you. This is odd. Or is it a technique to try and keep you and your partner apart?

squishy20 · 09/03/2021 19:08

I work from home in a very mentally/emotionally intensive job. I noticeably struggle more with my patience/tolerance/energy when the SC are here, on a day that I have worked so I can relate.
It's hard when your home is also your office - there is no commute to separate off the working day. No physical change of scenery. No "closing the door on the way out" so to speak. So I can empathise with the overwhelm of having the SC there and also not being able to relax, I get all sorts of emotions like you describe (overwhelm, frustration, anger, annoyance, tiredness). After all, I expect most working people can relate to that feeling of coming home from a long day at work and wanting to just unwind/relax/chill ...but parents are usually faced with chores/needs of others/accomodating others when they get in. SP on top of that are having to contend with needs of SC who aren't even their own. Also given that your SC are 17, they ought to be self-sufficient.

When the SC are here I work in my bedroom, so after shift, I would like to chill in the living room on my own... but this tends to be where the SC are "chilling". My own guilt and morals prevent me from asking for the living room for myself (because I believe SC have just as much right to it), thus, I often struggle with the separation from work (in my bedroom) back to 'the home'. This is something I am working on and I am trying to ask for what I want/need. I do find going out for a walk after shift really helps me detach (but I am not always motivated to do so). Could you go out for a walk by yourself?

Are you able to communicate how you feel to you DP? The SD's sound as though they have additional needs themselves and is this something that is discussed?
On a positive note, I'm reading between the lines that your SD's feel safe with you and that should be a massive sense of relief and compliment.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/03/2021 15:28

If my dh ever suggested dc could only be there when I was there he would fast become my xdh. It's their home. They don't need an invite. You need to get your head round that.

However it must be incredibly difficult if you are trying to work. Boundaries have to be set. From what you've described though I think there is more to it than immaturity and warrants medical investigation.

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2021 09:32

If my dh ever suggested dc could only be there when I was there he would fast become my xdh.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Funny how there are always so many Billy Big Bollocks comments about how the SP would "fast become my ex" if they didn't bend right over and do every last thing their partner said.

Personally, my partner would soon become my ex if he issued me with the ultimatum of "watch my kids when I'm not there or I'm leaving you", and neither of us would be left under the illusion that I was the one missing out on a great partner.

RedMarauder · 15/03/2021 11:02

OP I don't know what work you do but myself and many people I know who WFH cannot have anyone else in the room while we are working due to the confidentiality of what we are doing.

Work can be confidential for a number of reasons from just being commercially sensitive to dealing with other people's data.

You need to tell your step-daughters immediately that you have been told again by your work that you cannot have anyone else in the room while you are working as what you are working on is confidential, and get them to leave the room.

Then tell your partner this.

If his children then make a mess while you are working that you have to clean up as you don't allow them in the same room, then tell him his children clearly aren't mature enough to be left alone so they can't be around when he's not there.

In regards to the posters saying if their partner said similar they would soon be their ex, I bet their children can entertain themselves for a few hours without an adult sitting there. I have a younger step-child who can do so, and I know plenty of other children regardless of whether they are step-children or not who can do so.

orchidsun · 15/03/2021 11:05

do you have a garden? is there space for a small shed type workspace? maybe a bit of effort to organise but might give you a little peace. Sometimes you can pick up second hand summerhouses quite cheap that you could adapt to give you a private place.

RedMarauder · 15/03/2021 14:26

@orchidsun one of the issues is the SC need to be in the same room as the OP when she is working. So even if she had a separate office at the bottom of the garden both SC need to be there.

Oh and the SC are 17

thebluehen · 16/03/2021 22:49

I've had similar.

1 teen step daughter who followed me everywhere. I'm an introvert and it was incredibly stressful. This went on for years. It was suffocating and DP refused to see any problem (because he didn't want to deal with it!) I think it's a fear of them missing out on something. I don't actually think it helps them to give in to it.

It's not like your own child - you can tell them to go and do some chores or just clear off and give you some space. It's so much more delicate with step kids!

I think you absolutely have to remember you have the right to time to yourself in your own home and DP should help facilitate that. If he won't, then maybe you need to ask them to respect your time and space. I know that's not easy though!

Akaroacanon · 18/03/2021 07:08

Dear Fark007,
I’ve been SM to two girls for 30 years. Girls can be challenging, especially when they are clever and manipulative. Teenagers can also be tricky. Take care of your own mental health and keep asking for support. In this instance I would have a good think about how you feel and what’s the real problem. Then explain calmly what you feel. I hope you will be able to feel understood- often that’s half the battle. Ask for the space you need. I hope it improves.

SandyY2K · 18/03/2021 09:05

@Willyoujustbequiet

If my dh ever suggested dc could only be there when I was there he would fast become my xdh. It's their home. They don't need an invite. You need to get your head round that.

If the kids were self sufficient and didn't get on the OPs way, then I'd agree with you...but at 17 the SD seems unable to conduct herself like a normal 17 year old.

A 17 year old who is scared to sleep alone clearly has something going on and I don't see why the OP should be saddled with this. Tbh the whole sleeping in the room with them would be enough for me to get out of the relationship. It's crazy.

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