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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

StepParenting affecting my mental health!!

85 replies

Fark007 · 31/01/2021 01:10

Hi I am new to this so I apologise if I do not get the lingo right. I have two 17 year old step daughters who are younger than their age in every way. I have been working from home for some time and have found that the girls have taken to this and spend weeks on end at my partner and my place. He is out at work during the day which means I am left with them all day whilst I am trying to work. It is really beginning to affect my mental health as I already suffer from depression I can’t be myself in my own home. I can’t sit where I want, do what I want or watch what I want because there’s a ‘child’ or two that I have to supervise.

I am a person who enjoys my own company when my partner is out at work and me working from home and I feel like I can’t breathe with his kids being around. I’m getting angry, impatient and anxious all of which I keep bottled up so that I don’t lose my shit in front of them/at them.

I feel like if I was going out to work like I was before, they wouldn’t be staying over a lot because they wouldn’t want to be on their own during the day but just because I’m working from home it’s not an open invite to stay over because I can’t entertain them!

OP posts:

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 11:35

Very odd

It’s their home too

And unless they are vulnerable adults that for some reason require support, I suspect you choose to supervise them because you don’t give any examples that indicates they actually need supervision

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 11:36

@SpongebobNoPants

I don’t just assume my DP is ok with being left alone with my kids and they live here full time!

By the same token I’ve made it clear I am happy to have his kids here when asked, but as a general rule if their dad isn’t here then neither are they.

It is one of their homes, it is my only home. I am not their mother and if dad isn’t there to parent or spend time with them then I don’t really want the responsibility for having them here.

How old are your children though?

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 11:38

Very fact they want to spend time at yours, when probably made to feel unwelcome given your post (this will be denied of course) would indicate their alternative home is far from ideal

user1493413286 · 31/01/2021 11:42

I get where you’re coming from; it’s not quite the same to relax in my house when DSD is here but but equally I want her to feel comfortable at our house as it get home too. If I want time to myself I’ll spend it on my room but mainly I’ll just go ahead with whatever I wanted to do; if I want to watch something on tv I’ll say to her when what you’re watching is finished I’m going to watch my programme. She then might watch it with me, sit on her iPad or go do something else. I’m not sure what you mean about supervise them though? If genuinely you can’t work with them there then I’d say to your DP they can’t be there but I’ve worked from home with my 12 year old DSD here and it’s not been a problem.

aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2021 11:44

@Seth41 she said in the opening of her post that they are young for their age in every way. Why not ask for examples rather than assume there aren't any valid ones?

SpongebobNoPants · 31/01/2021 12:02

@Seth41 the eldest is 16

Coffeepot72 · 31/01/2021 12:06

Not sure many biological dps would agree to having 2 teens under foot all day to be a privilege tbh..

No, not many at all … !

Original poster

Fark007 · 31/01/2021 12:15

Thank you for all your comments. Some more helpful than others and some (MotherE) just entitled. Yes I knew what I was getting in to when I got with their dad BUT this is mine and their dads home.

Whenever I go in to my bedroom or another room I get followed by them. Yes they are doing online college lessons but they will follow me and decide to work beside me when I am working too which is a hindrance.

They are younger than their age because when both of them are round they sleep together in the other bedroom but when one of them is round they are too frightened to sleep on their own so guess what? Then bunk up with me and their dad sleeps in the other room!

I will try and speak to him about it y’all thank you for your inputs very much appreciated xx

OP posts:

SpongebobNoPants · 31/01/2021 12:16

Sorry at @Seth41 my kids are 6 & 10, his are 12 &16

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 12:28

@Fark007

Thank you for all your comments. Some more helpful than others and some (MotherE) just entitled. Yes I knew what I was getting in to when I got with their dad BUT this is mine and their dads home.

I will try and speak to him about it y’all thank you for your inputs very much appreciated xx

They sound like they are disturbed girls.

Seth41 · 31/01/2021 12:29

* They are younger than their age because when both of them are round they sleep together in the other bedroom but when one of them is round they are too frightened to sleep on their own so guess what? *

Younger than their age??

They are frightened of being alone. This is disturbing not immature

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 31/01/2021 12:41

Sorry OP but I would be telling them straight that it's not ok to follow you around and that you need to work in peace. As for bunking in with you to sleep - I have no words! Why on earth did you let this happen in the first place?! Sounds like they need to grow up. Are they going to uni in a year? How would they cope on their own? I would be worried for them. But it's your husband's problem, it yours.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 31/01/2021 12:42

Sorry that last line should say it's your husband's problem, NOT yours.

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 31/01/2021 12:44

I'm all for tact and diplomacy and making the absolute best of what you have but children not having to ask if they can move in with someone is absolute billiard balls... You have to ask for permission to live anywhere else in life so why is living with a man or woman you didn't even know existed before your parent met them any different just because a parent lives there too???
You can't even buy your own home if the previous owner won't permit to sell to you!!!
If my dp arranged to move the dsc in full time without seeking my permission he would be seeking the permission of someone else to allow them both to live elsewhere!
I think people sometimes forget that while THEIR children maybe the centre of THEIR universe other people don't think the same. When you try and force your child into someone elses "centre of importance" it can make the other feel incredibly defensive and resentful. It happens in all relationships, we all have a friend who's kid can do know wrong even when they are ripping up your flower bed or know grand parents who favour one over the other. It's natural and it's (hopefully) all done in love... For the person doing the loving! For the person with other priorities it's bloody annoying, rude and sometimes down right hurtful!

Bellofbelfastcity · 31/01/2021 12:46

They sound like they have serious issues op.

Has their dad explored this with their mother and put a plan in place to support them?

HerrenaHarridan · 31/01/2021 12:59

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chocolatesaltyballs22 · 31/01/2021 13:00

@HerrenaHarridan the OP didn't have kids though - they're not hers.

SandyY2K · 31/01/2021 13:05

That's not normal behaviour for a 17 year old. I would be getting them psychologically assessed to see if there is something going on in terms of their development. if they were my DC.

The following me round would be very annoying. Tell them you need space and to be on your own to concentrate, so they need to stay in their own space (or not come into your space) during working hours.

If they can't give you space, then they shouldn't come over unless their dad is home.

LindaEllen · 31/01/2021 13:16

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@MotherExtraordinaire you have won a full house on MN stepparenting bingo! Congratulations 🎉[/quote]
Haha I was just thinking that!!

OP: if the girls are at yours outside of their usual contact time, and their father can't be there to take care of them (whatever that looks like at 17), you're well within your rights to ask them whether they can come when you're not working. Your work shouldn't have to suffer, just say you find it too stressful to have them there while you're trying to work. Tbh I don't think it's about who it is. It just so happens to be your partners daughters, but it'd be just as much of a problem if it was your own children, your partner, your best friend - whatever. It's taking attention away from your work, which you can't afford to do at the moment.

Should they be doing college work or something when they're at home? Are they perhaps at yours because they can get away with not doing as much as if they were at their mum's?

PinkGinny · 31/01/2021 14:34

Just tell them to leave you in peace and get on with your day. That is a solution in your gift - if you are not capable of doing that then the issue is yours. I am assuming they are not mind readers so if not told, how are they supposed to know? Given you are prepared to share a bed with them on occasion that is a real mixed message. If YOU are not happy YOU need to be clear. If they are not happy with that then suggest they head over to their mum's. But it is not fair to say you can't be here because I am not strong enough to lay down boundaries that work for me - it is their house. Or should be.

At 17 they surely don't have a 'contact' arrangement in place but, as is often mooted as being right on these board, are choosing which house to spend the majority of their time in. And at their age it is spurious to say if their dad isn't home they can't be either.

My children can annoy the bejesus out of me at the moment (they are slightly younger 14/16); it is hard but as the adult I am the one who is clear about what is and isn't acceptable when I am working. When not working I head out for a walk/bath/stick an audio book on when I need space and even then have been known to say no I don't want company, just a bit of peace.

All that said, there is an undercurrent of a backstory here which means you'll probably come back and say I can't do that because of X or Y which is the real issue - 'cause this one is very easily solved on the face of it.

Tiredoftattler · 31/01/2021 15:10

If my husband were to ever suggest that my or his teenage daughter could only be present (if I were present) in the house that I work tirelessly to provide so that the children in my life can have a comfortable environment, I would probably suggest that he leave . I would expect his response to be the same if I were to make such a suggestion.
We provide a home for our collective children. The house is their home to access on a 24/7 basis. The fact that each set of kids spend 50/50 with their other parent is just a custodial arrangement. Both sets of kids have been advised that house of each parent is to be viewed as their full time home. Like Solomon , we would all look askew at the parent who was willing to limit the children's access to "their home."

All of the children know enough not to interrupt a working parent .

OP, there is no reason why you should not tell the girls that they should
not interrupt you as you work or do tasks that require you to concentrate. You can also tell them that there are times that you prefer to be alone. If they are not mature enough to recognize basic courtesy , your partner should instruct them about basic courtesy.
That can be accomplished without banning them from the house.

The sleeping situation is odd , and the manner in which you and your partner have chosen to address the issue is I guess that which works for you. Another method might have been to explore the cause of the anxiety and to try and deal with that.

The pandemic situation may be causing them to be in the house more than they would normally be in the house, and being restricted to the house may be impacting all of you in a stressful manner.

hippopootamus · 31/01/2021 15:11

Can't you spend time in your bedroom? Really niceupthedance? Why would an adult have to hang out in their bedroom in their own house?

SandyY2K · 31/01/2021 15:44

when one of them is round they are too frightened to sleep on their own so guess what? Then bunk up with me and their dad sleeps in the other room!

How long has this been going on? Does their dad not think this is very odd for a 17 year old.

At 17 I could easily think my DC were not in, as they spend most of the time in their bedroom, just surfacing to go to the kitchen or bathroom.

What's the sleeping arrangements in their mum's house? Or do they have different mums?

They behave much younger, more like 5 -7 year olds.

Whenever I go in to my bedroom or another room I get followed by them.

Again, this is behaviour of a much younger child. Something is amiss with it all.

Have they experienced some kind of traumatic incident which could account for this fear of sleeping alone at 17?

My DD left for University to live on her own at 18 as many do. These girls clearly wouldn't be able to do that and the deeper issues should be getting looked into by their parents.

They will struggle to be fully functioning adults as they currently are. Maybe therapy is something that could be explored for them.

aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2021 17:11

Yes I do think this is well put OP, regardless of the debate about whether they should be allowed to be there as they please.

niceupthedance · 31/01/2021 17:13

@hippopootamus well currently my DS and DSD are at home full time so if I want my own space I go to my room. Surely there are many parents facing lack of personal space issues during lockdown?

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