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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

StepParenting affecting my mental health!!

85 replies

Fark007 · 31/01/2021 01:10

Hi I am new to this so I apologise if I do not get the lingo right. I have two 17 year old step daughters who are younger than their age in every way. I have been working from home for some time and have found that the girls have taken to this and spend weeks on end at my partner and my place. He is out at work during the day which means I am left with them all day whilst I am trying to work. It is really beginning to affect my mental health as I already suffer from depression I can’t be myself in my own home. I can’t sit where I want, do what I want or watch what I want because there’s a ‘child’ or two that I have to supervise.

I am a person who enjoys my own company when my partner is out at work and me working from home and I feel like I can’t breathe with his kids being around. I’m getting angry, impatient and anxious all of which I keep bottled up so that I don’t lose my shit in front of them/at them.

I feel like if I was going out to work like I was before, they wouldn’t be staying over a lot because they wouldn’t want to be on their own during the day but just because I’m working from home it’s not an open invite to stay over because I can’t entertain them!

OP posts:

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2021 17:19

I’ve been a step parent. They all lived with us all the time. Boomeranged back and forth. One finally departed at 26 and one at 28. Still my ds at 27 around.

This is what they do. Live with their parents/ step parents. You can’t really choose when they live there. It just comes with the territory of being a step.

If something happened to their mum, they’d be with you full time. I think you might need to open your eyes a bit.

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/01/2021 18:24

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
Well said!

Hillary111 · 31/01/2021 18:38

The thing is, no ‘step’ set up is a one size fits all. What may work for one family, might not work for another. If that works for you then great, but I disagree that it comes with the territory. I will certainly have a choice when it comes to schedules with SC because it is my house.

aSofaNearYou · 31/01/2021 18:40

@Hillary111 Well said.

What is totally normal in one family set up is highly presumptuous in another.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2021 18:42

But it will also be their house. So a family house, maybe not just yours even if you own it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2021 18:44

And step families are about flexibility.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2021 18:44

Arrrgh.... and negotiation.

Hillary111 · 31/01/2021 19:03

I agree that negotiation and flexibility are important but I’ve come to see that with most issues involved in step parenting, it’s everyone BUT the Step parent making the decisions.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2021 19:09

Because ime you kind of have to take a back seat. It’s a delicate negotiating balance and knowing when to bite your tongue is essential. It’s not easy....

YouJustDoYou · 31/01/2021 19:11

This is what they do. Live with their parents/ step parents. You can’t really choose when they live there. It just comes with the territory of being a step

If something happened to their mum, they’d be with you full time. I think you might need to open your eyes a bit

I do gently agree with this also. My step mother married my dad having met us, knew he had two kids, but just hated having us around her in her home - We were pure unwanted baggage. Your step kids are also baggage to you, and I can also completely.understand the feeling of being suffocated by too much human interaction. I'd hate it too. But....It's there. It is what is is, in that, he has children. They seem to have some deep issues if at 17 they are wanting to sleep with you for security. But their dad should be looking into that - do they need gp help? What's going on for them mentally? But, you ALSO need space, and it's up to their dad to also sort that, not leave it to you to have to look after his kids ALL the time..not every step parent is accepting of the kids, but tbh, it's not the kids fault at all. It's your dh you need to be speaking to.

LizFlowers · 31/01/2021 19:23

I generally don't believe in lying but I would be tempted to pretend I have been asked to go in to the office for a while.

The two girls (I presume they are twins), are old enough to know it is not fair to crowd you in your home, never mind your bed! They really do need help but your husband and their mother need to sort that.

You've been very good op, and patient. Not many bio parents would be as good as that. Put yourself first for a while. The girls have to grow up sooner or later.

Lorw · 31/01/2021 21:23

From your post OP it doesn’t seem like it’s them being there all the time that is the main issue. It seems to be their lack of boundaries (which everyone needs) both you and DH need to address that. Set up a room and tell the girls they aren’t allowed in there while you’re working and also don’t allow them in your bed, at 17 this isn’t appropriate, they are nearly adults and it needs addressing as to why they feel they need to but ofcourse that is for their parents to address, not you OP. Just say no, you may be the evil step mum for a while but you don’t have to sleep with teenagers if you don’t want to. Good luck.

Youseethethingis · 31/01/2021 21:42

Time to try CIO at bedtime perhaps?
Joking aside, there’s clearly a lot going on with them that they probably do need extra external help with.
All the “surely you knew what you were getting intos” in the world would never cover co-sleeping 17 year olds.
YANBU to be finding it all too much.

ihavenowords30 · 01/02/2021 00:29

My 17SS asked to be at ours a lot more when I was WFH I agreed on 2 /3 days a week on the weekend he's with us but the other week I wanted peace and space to work and not have to keep my toddler away so he can work also.
Compromise is fine and you shouldn't be afraid to suggest it so it works for you also

Seth41 · 01/02/2021 09:12

I generally don't believe in lying but I would be tempted to pretend I have been asked to go in to the office for a while.

Why lie? Why not “I’m going in to the office”

SpongebobNoPants · 01/02/2021 09:13

@Seth41 “I’m going into the office” is still a lie

Although I would definitely say that to get some peace.

Herewegomummy · 01/02/2021 09:13

@MotherExtraordinaire wow, you are a special kind of ignorant.

Seth41 · 01/02/2021 09:17

I didn’t realise that there wasn’t an office on offer

MadonnaOMeara · 07/03/2021 22:59

Hi Fark007
New here too!

We have some similarities as I have 2 teens at home and like you also work full-time from home.

Difference is, if the girls were not living with me and had a mum in their lives (mine don't), then I would insist that the home is a workplace during the day. Therfore, it is not a place for teens to hang out similar to how it is in your partner's workplace.

Homeworking - certainly pre COVID - is often disregarded by those who head out in the mornings as somehow less important. The thinking often that the homeworker is languishing on the sofa sipping coffee for the majority of the day. You need your partner to first understand your work is important, that it contributes to the living expenses, and so deserves the same amount of respect as his work. Having 2 teens hanging around is not offering that respect - regardless of the type of relationship you have with them.

Right now, it sounds like your partner is minimising your work and your contribution to your lifestyle. You could of course offer to stop working which would leave your time to entertain his kids and see how that's viewed.

Wishing you luck

Magda72 · 08/03/2021 09:27

@Fark007 I was literally thinking what @MadonnaOMeara has just posted - she's spot on.
Your workspace is being used as a flophouse by two older teens who could be somewhere else (ie their dm's).
I would just put my foot down & say NO.

MNWorldisCrazy · 08/03/2021 10:01

@Justriseaboveitkiddo

About a month after my dp moved in with me he was invited to the pub for his friends birthday, I was on call that weekend so couldn't go anyway. He asked if I minded if he went after he had put dsc to bed. I didn't mind one little bit but warned him that if I got called out then there was absolutely no way I could hang around waiting for him to return, I would have to leave dsc in bed home alone and text him from the surgery if I got the chance. I think that was probably the point he realised (not that he had ever expected me to before) that I could never be relied upon for childcare and he has never asked since. Sometimes dsc will arrange with me that we do something but that's up to me and the dsc no one else decides for us. My dp has never expected his child to be there when he is not, that's not how this parenting thing works in our house. If I'm doing a bit of wfh, I do it at home because I know I won't be distracted by all the other things that need my attention at work and I would not like to think there were other people in the house needing my attention as it would totally defeat the object of having wfh time. I totally understand what you mean about not being yourself in your own home, we get set in our ways and have our own little idiosyncrasies and when someone else is there or indeed when you move in with someone new, all these things seem to need working out again and it's bloody hard. We still have the great tatty coat gate every day... My tatty old garden fleece lives on the back of the kitchen chair and my garden shoes live next to the bin, they have done for almost 2 decades, no other coat or shoe of mine or anyone elses live outside a cupboard because that's just not what happens here. It drives my dp up the wall so much so that he has taken to hiding the chair if I go out into the garden so there is nowhere for my coat to go when I get back. This is lighthearted stuff that creates lots of opportunities for laughter when the chair is perching prwcariously against the fire side with a sign saying I'd rather burn than be a coat hanger but if one of us was to take real offence or this was just another thing in a long line of little things then a stupid little thing like a coat on the back of a chair could turn into a majot incident. It is not for other people to tell you what is acceptable for you, it is for you to decide. If you need the time and space in your home then take it, if you want to spend time with dsc without dad then arrange that with them not dad, but it's at a mutually convenient time for you both, not convenient for one and not the not the other. I do tend to put work above a lot of things but it's important stuff... You can't tell a dying animal to hang on in there and I'll see you tomorrow because I'm busy right now. Most people value their own work as much as I value mine but that's not to say mine is more or less important than yours. And yours is no more or less important than your mans. If the kids being there is causing you stress I guarantee it will be affecting your ability at work and at some point the people who give you your beer tokens each month are going to have something to say about it. The kids absolutely would not go to the office with you and I think everyone in your house needs to see your house as an official place of work during office hours. If they do indeed need a little extra care than other 17 year olds then tell their parents to provide this for them. Everyone is having to deal with the kind of life they never knew existed before last year and whilst we seem to have got into the mindset of helping a bit more in ways we would never have before we have also been living like this long enough to forget to be grateful for the help we do receive and to remember that the people who are helping us have feelings and needs to.

Wow you really don't like your step kids do you?! Sounds like you've made it abundantly clear YOU are in charge in that house and your partner is a guest

MeridianB · 08/03/2021 10:28

@Fark007 17yo twins follow you around throughout the day and want to be next to you while you’re working? Presumably you’ve asked them to stop?

I wouldn’t want a 17yo - step or not - in bed with me. What has been done to stop this?

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2021 10:37

@MNWorldIsCrazy What? All she said is she doesn't do childcare for them and she likes her own space.

FrenchBoule · 08/03/2021 11:11

So OP has her SD’s beside her when she’s trying to work
She has the SD’s following her to the bedroom
She has her SD’s sleeping with her

OP, excuse my language but are you able to go for a dump without your SD’s or is it not given as well?

Are you getting ANY time alone? ANY personal space?
I don’t get this impression.

Time for a family pow-wow and spelling out some home truths to your SD’s and your not so “D” P

The same DP who dumps HIS daughters onto you while fucking off to work and who is going to spare bed when they bundle up to you.

Does HE have any active input in HIS daughters lives?

I’m not surprised you’re at the end of a rope.
Where’s the girls mother in all this?

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 16:17

It's not normal behaviour for a 17 year old to follow you around all day

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