I’m scared of what the future holds regarding SCs

[SpongebobNoPants]

I just want to caveat this by saying I care immensely about my SCs and want the best for them.

Background is my DP is intelligent but not in the slightest bit academic and neither are his siblings. DP and his siblings (my SILs) have all chosen skill based jobs because of this and had forged good careers for themselves. DP is a tradesman and his sisters both work in the beauty industry, own their own businesses etc.

DP’s ex (mother of my SDs) is not academic either but has also never really worked. She’s either been unemployed or worked bare minimum hours and has relied her entire adult life on either benefits or handouts from DP. Her choice not to work more than part-time predates having their children and the children are secondary school age so it isn’t due to childcare issues.
Not my business, her decision but it is relevant to my concerns for which I have created this post.

SDs are not academic either, in fact SD16 who is in her GCSE year seems set to fail the majority of her exams and maybe scrape a D in technology at most. Younger SD last week was pleased that she’d got 41 on a test, out of 100. That’s the best grade she’s achieved since starting secondary school in September.

The dilemma is, although the kids aren’t academic they are far from stupid. They are street smart and have good logic etc which if channelled correctly would serve them very well in adult life. You don’t necessarily have to be academic to have a good career and I’ve been trying to help SD16 with her college applications and discuss options with her based around her natural skill set and what I think she’d be good at.

She’s very pretty, funny and pleasant to be around (most of the time) and so hospitality, beauty, hairdressing type courses I think would serve her well and she could go on to have a good career path stemming from them.

The problem here is her DM is drilling it in to the kids that these sorts of roles are beneath them, they couldn’t possibly work in a shop for example because “that’s what poor people do”.

But at the same time she’s making it very clear that she doesn’t value academic achievement either so she’s essentially setting them up to be unemployed like her. She’s told SD16 that her GCSEs don’t matter and she’ll be fine.

Whereas DP and I have emphasised she will need to pass her maths gcse at least as that will help her in the long term. She is capable of achieving a pass and we’ve offered to pay for online tutoring etc to help but her response was “I’d rather have the cash”?!

She dismisses the idea of being a hairdresser for example too, even though her auntie runs a very successful business and is a great role model.

I’m at a loss as how to help DP with guiding her with this. DP has asked for my help because she looks up to me and sees how hard I work and was hoping I could have some positive influence on her.

But honestly, I’m worried it’s a bit of lost cause Last night the girls were here for dinner and SD16 was talking about how having children gets you money (I kid you not!). She was saying about “these people who have loads of kids and get houses and money off the council”.

I was upset because it seemed like she thinks that’s an option for her. I explained that’s not the case, there are huge waiting lists for social housing, benefits are capped at 2 children etc and that the people who are claiming are doing so out of necessity and definitely wouldn’t have chosen it. Benefits are there to help those who are most in need.

I was in that position a few years ago where I was out of work with 2 small DCs and I wouldn’t wish that struggle on anyone.

So here’s my concern... I have huge worry SD16 is going to follow the same route as her mother. She is even saying things like “I’ll have kids with a rich man and I’ll be fine”.

I’m quite a bit younger than DP... I’m 33 and he’s 45 and my kids are still quite young (10 & 6). I’m looking forward to them being a bit more independent and enjoying some more personal freedom when I’m in my early 40s as my kids will be in their teens.
But it’s making me reevaluate my relationship with DP because I’m terrified that by the time my kids begin to have some independence that we’ll suddenly have all these issues with his DDs having babies and being unemployed. I foresee a future where his kids as adults will always be reliant on us for money.

I have a sinking feeling that SD will be pregnant in the next couple of years and I’ll have barely raised my own children then be expected to suddenly take on a grandmotherly role at a time I will want to be enjoying a bit less responsibility. I can envision DP being emotionally blackmailed into babysitting infants every weekend and therefore me too.

I feel sick with worry about these girls who have no drive or desire for a good future for themselves. They could be so much more than what I think they will inevitably become.

Am I truly awful person for considering ending my relationship over this? I adore my DP but I foresee a lot of problems with his daughters as they grow up. At the moment we’re able to instil boundaries and have some influence in their views... but I can see the positive influence we’re trying to have on SD is already lessening.

SD16 is a good kid. I want to help her but I don’t know if I have the emotional strength.

I don't mean this in a horrible way but you do seem a bit over invested in your dsd's educational choices. It really should be up to her with the guidance of her mum and dad. That being said, it does seem quite a strong possibility that you could be in a step grandparent role in the next few years and if you do not feel comfortable with this then I think you would be wise to consider whether you really want to commit to this relationship long term.

And no, I do not think this makes you an awful person

Honestly I would expect that they may well have specific learning difficulties. Would your DP pay for a private assessment.

One have mine had undiagnosed dyspraxia that more than anything affects processing and rote learning. Amazing runner and taught herself to ride a bike so not obvious at all but really struggled with some things so had very low self esteem.

I don't mean this in a horrible way but you do seem a bit over invested in your dsd's educational choices
Because DP has asked me to help as he has no real experience of the education system, he left school at 15 and went straight into a trade.
And quite frankly, their mum doesn’t care.

It’s hard sitting back and watching 2 kids who with a little bit of guidance could shape their futures in a positive way.
Both myself and my kids (older one mostly as youngest is only on yr1) are very academic and I can already see my DD is going to do well in secondary school and likely further education.

It also concerns me because I can see where DP’s eldest is headed if continues on this path... and that it will in turn directly impact my life also.

@RandomMess there are no learning difficulties, they just actively choose to not engage with their education and are encouraged to be disparaging of their teachers, lesson plans, etc. Their mum openly speaks about teachers in a disrespectful way.
It’s hard to describe unless you’ve witnessed it.
They’re not very bright kids... but they could have been if they were encouraged to be IYSWIM.

Hence why I was pointing out they aren’t stupid, just not academic. They have other great qualities that they should be honing

They also definitely don’t suffer from low self esteem. Both girls are very beautiful and if anything they have an over inflated sense of being great. They act like they think their looks will get them through life and nothing else is important which is so sad to see.

By 'handouts' to the ex do you mean maintenance to help raise his kids? Cause that was a little unfair.

I understand why you are concerned about your dsd though. All you can do is keep being positive and maybe have a conversation with your dp about how much you are willing to take on re: babysitting or what your stance is on giving large amounts of money to working age adults when the time comes.

I know it must be hard to see your dsd waste her potential as you see it, but unfortunately there is very little you can control here.

@cplusername1234 no I certainly do not mean maintenance!
I mean she has handouts of huge wads of cash over the years. She got into rental arrears because she was spending her money inappropriately and was nearly evicted so DP had to step in and clear the debt with the landlord but on the condition the his ex set it up so the housing element of her benefits was then paid directly to her landlord.

Same with her car, she got a car she couldn’t afford on finance and nearly had it repossessed. DP “helped her out” by giving her £2k to pay her debts. She then had cosmetic surgery the next month with money she had been left after the death of a relative. No thought for clearing her debts, but let’s have an unnecessary surgery.

This is what I mean by handouts.

I feel sick with worry about DSD.

Hmmm then I would venture to say you have a DP problem here. I know he wouldn't want to see his kids go without (with regards to the rental arrears) but it's really unnecessary to give her money for accumulated debts.

All you can do is keep being positive and maybe have a conversation with your dp about how much you are willing to take on re: babysitting or what your stance is on giving large amounts of money to working age adults when the time comes

I would be willing to help with funding courses or higher education, house deposits, weddings etc as big expenses. I would always want to help any of our kids if they got into financial difficulties but not if they don’t help themselves.

My mum at times has helped me out financially, but if I’d chosen unemployment and was a layabout she definitely wouldn’t have.

I would be willing to babysit on occasion, but not as a regular set thing. E.g. “I’d like to go out next weekend” no problem, but if it was every weekend or regular days such as being committed to having grandkids on specific days then no sorry.
Ad hoc yes, providing childcare on a regular basis... absolutely not.

@cplusername1234 they were about to be evicted. He didn’t want his kids to suffer.

Same with the car. At that time mum had actually been made redundant from a part time role but wasn’t entitled to any sort of payout and it appeared she was struggling. So DP offered to help to prevent her losing the car which would have also impacted on his DDs’ quality of life.

Then she paid for cosmetic surgery and let the car get repossessed.

Sounds like she needs a reality check of how much things actually cost in the real world and how she can’t rely on everyone else to sort her out.

Could you get her successful aunties to talk to her? Inspire her? Motivate her? Or somehow show her how her life would be if she chooses not to give herself a kick up the arse, how she will struggle and it won’t be a nice life. The mum just sounds like an awful role model to her children.

She’s should be so glad she has you looking over her and trying so hard to help her have a successful life.

I think for your own sanity you have to decide this isn’t your problem to fix and detach from it. They’ll make whatever decisions they make, good or bad, (as will your DC BTW) you aren’t their parent so you don’t have to put up with any of the consequences. Take each situation as it happens and be firm about how much it impacts your life. But really, just get on with parenting your own DC. They’ll likely throw enough problems your way (they all do!) anyway so you’ll have enough to worry about.

I would point her towards the Relationships board on here. Your DP is far from the norm in providing well for his children with a woman he is no longer romantically involved with.
I'd also be very clear with her that if she has a child, she will have a child and it will be up to her to raise and pay for it.
Then step back and focus on your own DC.

I agree OP it is so frustrating. As a teacher I see a lot of pupils with no aspiration or ambition. Usually they are not encouraged from home to chase a dream! One of the problems is that they see influencers on social media and think it's that easier to meet a rich man or live off looks.
All you can do is keep encouraging them and to find a college course that works

@Mamasaurus123 we have tried that. Last summer when the salons reopened her auntie offered her a Saturday girl job in her salon, we offered to drop her off and pick her up.
Her duties were simple like answering the phone, hanging up clients coats, making cups of tea and sweeping up the hair.
Auntie generously offered to pay her £30 a day for this (I’d have snapped her hand off at 15 for this).

She did 1 Saturday there and then refused to go back saying “it’s shit. I did all of that for £30, it’s not worth going”

I really feel for you, and I do think you are right to be concerned about how this could impact you.

At this point, with softer methods having no affect, I would be tempted to be a bit firmer, and tell her that it isn't a reasonable aspiration to find a rich man to have kids with to get benefits, and she cannot expect you to be funding her if she actively makes this choice. She WILL need to get a job and she needs to start thinking about what she would enjoy. Obviously this would need to come from your partner. It's a hard message to get across without pushing her away but I would consider going down the tough love route.

What I would definitely do is talk to your partner about it. Tell him that if it turns into a scenario where she is reliant on the two of you, with a baby in tow that you would be expected to be heavily involved with, that you think you would have to reconsider things. Try and gauge how he intends to respond in that scenario.

I would end it, personally. I would be worried at one kind of values my own dc would emulate with that rhetoric floating around.

@WINKINGatyourage

I think for your own sanity you have to decide this isn’t your problem to fix and detach from it. They’ll make whatever decisions they make, good or bad, (as will your DC BTW) you aren’t their parent so you don’t have to put up with any of the consequences. Take each situation as it happens and be firm about how much it impacts your life. But really, just get on with parenting your own DC. They’ll likely throw enough problems your way (they all do!) anyway so you’ll have enough to worry about.

The trouble is, if the OP is with the girls dad then she will, to a certain extent, have to put up with the consequences of their decisions.

@M0rT she knows her dad is far from the norm. My DD’s dad has no involvement and I haven’t hidden the fact that it’s been hard on me financially to take on the full burden of raising a child and how it impacts job opportunities etc.

I know there’s very little I can do, and I know it sounds selfish but I’m concerned about how their life paths will affect my own happiness or direct potential resources away from my own children.
I worry if they remain financially reliant on DP well into adulthood then it’ll deplete my quality of life or I’ll be encouraged to help fund things for them.

Could you ask her auntie to give her a part time job or something to encourage her? I know someone from a similar background and it took mixing outside of the family circle with a range of people who had different jobs to motivate them.

Personally I would end it as well. Life's hard enough as it is without having to deal with all this extra shit.

The trouble is, if the OP is with the girls dad then she will, to a certain extent, have to put up with the consequences of their decisions.

Of course, as she will with whatever decisions her own Dc make, and her DP will have to put up with whatever decisions her Dc make too. That’s life with a partner who has children. It’s never going to be perfect.

OP you’re burning up a lot of mental energy worrying about things that might happen. None of this is guaranteed, and really, if you’re sure it is, then don’t stick around and wait for it- make your get away now. Otherwise- Cross bridges when you get to them.

Breaking up with your DP sounds a bit harsh.

In your shoes OP I would look to splitting the households instead of merging them, so you have your own place and money and everything separate but continue your relationship with your DP and hanging out at each others houses etc. So if your prediction comes true, you are not the one left looking after any grandkids the DSC have.