I’m scared of what the future holds regarding SCs

[SpongebobNoPants]

I just want to caveat this by saying I care immensely about my SCs and want the best for them.

Background is my DP is intelligent but not in the slightest bit academic and neither are his siblings. DP and his siblings (my SILs) have all chosen skill based jobs because of this and had forged good careers for themselves. DP is a tradesman and his sisters both work in the beauty industry, own their own businesses etc.

DP’s ex (mother of my SDs) is not academic either but has also never really worked. She’s either been unemployed or worked bare minimum hours and has relied her entire adult life on either benefits or handouts from DP. Her choice not to work more than part-time predates having their children and the children are secondary school age so it isn’t due to childcare issues.
Not my business, her decision but it is relevant to my concerns for which I have created this post.

SDs are not academic either, in fact SD16 who is in her GCSE year seems set to fail the majority of her exams and maybe scrape a D in technology at most. Younger SD last week was pleased that she’d got 41 on a test, out of 100. That’s the best grade she’s achieved since starting secondary school in September.

The dilemma is, although the kids aren’t academic they are far from stupid. They are street smart and have good logic etc which if channelled correctly would serve them very well in adult life. You don’t necessarily have to be academic to have a good career and I’ve been trying to help SD16 with her college applications and discuss options with her based around her natural skill set and what I think she’d be good at.

She’s very pretty, funny and pleasant to be around (most of the time) and so hospitality, beauty, hairdressing type courses I think would serve her well and she could go on to have a good career path stemming from them.

The problem here is her DM is drilling it in to the kids that these sorts of roles are beneath them, they couldn’t possibly work in a shop for example because “that’s what poor people do”.

But at the same time she’s making it very clear that she doesn’t value academic achievement either so she’s essentially setting them up to be unemployed like her. She’s told SD16 that her GCSEs don’t matter and she’ll be fine.

Whereas DP and I have emphasised she will need to pass her maths gcse at least as that will help her in the long term. She is capable of achieving a pass and we’ve offered to pay for online tutoring etc to help but her response was “I’d rather have the cash”?!

She dismisses the idea of being a hairdresser for example too, even though her auntie runs a very successful business and is a great role model.

I’m at a loss as how to help DP with guiding her with this. DP has asked for my help because she looks up to me and sees how hard I work and was hoping I could have some positive influence on her.

But honestly, I’m worried it’s a bit of lost cause Last night the girls were here for dinner and SD16 was talking about how having children gets you money (I kid you not!). She was saying about “these people who have loads of kids and get houses and money off the council”.

I was upset because it seemed like she thinks that’s an option for her. I explained that’s not the case, there are huge waiting lists for social housing, benefits are capped at 2 children etc and that the people who are claiming are doing so out of necessity and definitely wouldn’t have chosen it. Benefits are there to help those who are most in need.

I was in that position a few years ago where I was out of work with 2 small DCs and I wouldn’t wish that struggle on anyone.

So here’s my concern... I have huge worry SD16 is going to follow the same route as her mother. She is even saying things like “I’ll have kids with a rich man and I’ll be fine”.

I’m quite a bit younger than DP... I’m 33 and he’s 45 and my kids are still quite young (10 & 6). I’m looking forward to them being a bit more independent and enjoying some more personal freedom when I’m in my early 40s as my kids will be in their teens.
But it’s making me reevaluate my relationship with DP because I’m terrified that by the time my kids begin to have some independence that we’ll suddenly have all these issues with his DDs having babies and being unemployed. I foresee a future where his kids as adults will always be reliant on us for money.

I have a sinking feeling that SD will be pregnant in the next couple of years and I’ll have barely raised my own children then be expected to suddenly take on a grandmotherly role at a time I will want to be enjoying a bit less responsibility. I can envision DP being emotionally blackmailed into babysitting infants every weekend and therefore me too.

I feel sick with worry about these girls who have no drive or desire for a good future for themselves. They could be so much more than what I think they will inevitably become.

Am I truly awful person for considering ending my relationship over this? I adore my DP but I foresee a lot of problems with his daughters as they grow up. At the moment we’re able to instil boundaries and have some influence in their views... but I can see the positive influence we’re trying to have on SD is already lessening.

SD16 is a good kid. I want to help her but I don’t know if I have the emotional strength.

Hi OP

Lots of thoughts, in no particular order on this..

You are doing a brilliant job. Wow. Any parent would be delighted at the thought and care you have put into this - and for time apparently. Your approach sounds wise and sensible but very kind.

You are up against three influences on this - each parent’s views and behaviours but also the never-ending supply of social media and reality ‘stars’ who add to the impression of ‘you want it, you deserve, you just get it’. The way you describe the 16yo’s view of money and baby finances is chilling, given how close she is to the next stage in her life.

Does she have a ‘currency’ that would really help her understand the cost (and value) of things? Not as big the trainers but something she loves? Because I really like your honesty in saying the trainers would cost you a week’s wages but maybe she still doesn’t care get it/care because it’s you doing the work in that example.

The money aspect is worrying. If your DP would really feel the need to give handouts to his daughters because you are supporting your own children through Uni with your own money, then shows a strange attitude to money and parenting, which may cause more friction. TBH I would already have expected him to give them some very clear home truths about their deluded views and the value of a work ethic. Not sure if he has spoken up?

Do the chunks of money your DP gives to to his ex come solely from his income and if so does he end up unable to pay you for his share of bills etc? In other words, are you indirectly subsidising his and the ex’s choices?

The girls seem to be fed a totally unrealistic view of their mother’s finances. If their DM depends very heavily on child maintenance payments then she will get a horrible shock when these stop in the not too distant future. Not suggesting you get into this but their dad needs to step up here and give them a better picture of realities of life.

I worry about my SDs attitude to money too. She’s 18 and finishing college soon and the money we pay for her I know she doesn’t see any of it. We are the poorer couple in the scenario and must admit we will be so much more better off in a couple of the months time. I have no idea how her BM affords the things they do/have but she is money obsessed. There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things but how you obtain them is equally important. How she has afforded her house, her car and the holidays they go on is morally wrong but she doesn’t care as long as she gets them but I worry about what message that has sent my SD.

I understand why you’re worrying about this spongebob. I get why some people are advising you to step back emotionally but it’s very hard to do when what you’re posting about will be just one symptom out of many other issues you’ll inevitably also be putting up with due to the ex’s attitude and your DP’s boundaries not being tough enough. These things never exist in a vacuum.

As for what you do about it now, you know what they say about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. Nothing is ever going to be resolved until your DP toughens up his boundaries and makes it clear by his words and actions that he’s not going to be bailing anyone out for their poor choices. The car incident was a good example of how he threw money in the wind by placing more importance on his DC having access to a car while at their mum’s than their own mother did, which she’d made clear by her actions not her words.

Your DP can’t expect to instill a good work/life ethic into his DC while simultaneously funding the opposite by not being firm enough. He needs to decide whether to stop being part to enabling this unhealthy attitude then you in turn can make some decisions over you future with him.

Wow, this is me, too... I’ve been with DP coming up for 5yrs. We both have teens x 2. The eldest (DP’s dd) is 19 and dropped out of school pre-GCSE (MH) and has for 5+ years now been at home doing what she wants (binge watching telly, online shopping, looking at stuff on the web and barely going out). Her parents literally have (in theory) been ‘waiting for her to sort herself out’. But, in practice are enabling her by providing a very comfy life with everything given for free and no expecatations. She’s a kid who will refuse to so much as walk the dog (tantrums, wants to stay like a small child and says so). It’s all alien to my parenting. My dc have also had plenty of problems (ASD, MH, dyslexia) and I’ve dug deep and provided boundaries and expectations and it’s a completely opposite way of life with me and mine.

It’s caused real issues in my relationship - I refuse to merge finances or share property with him because this will ultimately infiltrate my life (and in effect it already does, it’s just my choice to draw a line). It’s like a constant standoff between me and DP. I’ve told him it’s his choice whether or not to have boundaries and I’m on the brink of making him live separate to me (he’s here for lockdown) as it’s sending the wrong messages. So tricky, OP. Don’t know what the answer is other than having your own boundaries and living my them.

I have similar concerns to you OP and my advice would be not your kids, not your problem. Step back.

In my case, I was the first person in my family to go the university, get a degree and a masters and I have worked my arse off and have a very strong work ethic. I had a Saturday job at 14, have never relied on anyone (let alone a man to support me).

My 15 YO SD has no get up and go, no ambition, no dreams, no goals. When she told me she didn’t have to work hard at school because her mum told her she just needs to find a man to support her, the red mistdescended on my part.

Her mother has no qualifications (her choice), couldn’t wait to leave her low paid job (my OH informs me) then refused to go back to work (while she demanded to live in a £500k house in a gated development and he bought designer handbags). It was the reason their marriage ended and she demanded a certain lifestyle but wasn’t willing to work for it.

Even divorced she refused to get a job and be kept in the lifestyle she had become accustomed to. When the handouts stopped she resorted to bullying and manipulation tactics to get what she wanted (she stopped child contact unless she got cash, there was a demand for a new car, more money)..... My OH refused to give into the demands as he knew they wouldn’t stop.

I have stepped back on this. I hate to see a young capable girl who has all these opportunities throw them away, but she has to want it herself. Not my problem and if SD wants to be dependent on a man for money or live in poverty then that’s going to be her problem.

My OH (also professionally qualified) has tried to install a sense of worth and if you work hard you have choices. But she really can’t be arsed. Can’t be arsed finding a Saturday job, can’t be arsed stretching herself, does the bare minimum in school, had no idea of the value of the money, not interested in learning.

Sadly I think she’ll learn the hard way.

There's a clash of values between both families which l think will put alot of pressure on your relationship. I think you want better for your own children and know this deep down. If it were me, l would put myself and my own children first. You will be a granny/babysitter in a few years possibly- think long and hard about what you want. You have only one life.

I completely feel your pain as I have a very similar set up here.

Neither SC are academically switched on, their mum does not have a career and places no value on academic learning. Both are behind in school, home work never done, reading never completed, absolutely no application or effort to achieve anything academically.

SC tell us they are going to be “YouTubers”.

Ok then.

I have had to disengage from it because it makes me really angry that these kids are being so failed. My partner and me have bought books, use maths and english apps with them, he’s contacted the school separately, voiced his concerns, tried to talk it out with their mum....nope. It’s just denied...
“How dare you say that - their teacher did not say they are behind” etc etc. You literally cannot get any sense or truth. So I’ve had to step back and you’ll probably have to do the same.

Be clear that you won’t be baby sitting any grandkids if they pop along in the next couple of years and that you don’t expect that you will financially supporting adults either.

He can take it or leave it - if he is a realistic and fair person he will know that you are being rational in your concerns. You have a fair point to worry about the future impact of two lazy and unemployed young adults - doesn’t matter that they’re not your kids, I’m sure you’d feel just the same if they were

I understand the worry, OP, about potential dealbreakers up ahead. But really nobody can predict the future.

I’ve got my own line in the sand right now (because DP’s dd is so very unlikely to change) but yours may never come. Kids sometimes manage to get there (in life) by learning the hard way, or going the long way round.

All you can do is ‘do you’

I also have to add I have been quite blunt with my DP - I work really hard, have gained a BA and MA and several industry quals in the past decade.
I have a career and have some big ambitions and I hope that it will pay off both financially and as an example to my own young kids.

My money isn’t there to support his children, it is there to support my own. No I don’t mean I won’t buy presents and decorate their bedroom and take them on holidays with us - I will do and have done those things. But I won’t be paying uni fees or rent or anything like that. I won’t be lending money or helping them get on the property ladder, because they have two parents for that. My money will go to my kids.

I’ve been really really clear about it. Not in a blunt harsh way, diplomatically of course. But clear none the less.

I am thinking of buying an investment property to fund my kids uni fees (they’re only babies right now!)... I will pay for it, not him, therefore the money coming out of it is for my kids.
If he wants to also buy an investment property for his kids - great! But he needs to fund it.

You need to find a way to ensure you see the future with the same eyes. Whilst you must care for and emotionally support your DP and his kids, you aren’t there to shoulder financial burden.

My partner totally agrees and respects my position. Hopefully in voicing your concerns your DP will be able to reassure you