I’m scared of what the future holds regarding SCs

[SpongebobNoPants]

I just want to caveat this by saying I care immensely about my SCs and want the best for them.

Background is my DP is intelligent but not in the slightest bit academic and neither are his siblings. DP and his siblings (my SILs) have all chosen skill based jobs because of this and had forged good careers for themselves. DP is a tradesman and his sisters both work in the beauty industry, own their own businesses etc.

DP’s ex (mother of my SDs) is not academic either but has also never really worked. She’s either been unemployed or worked bare minimum hours and has relied her entire adult life on either benefits or handouts from DP. Her choice not to work more than part-time predates having their children and the children are secondary school age so it isn’t due to childcare issues.
Not my business, her decision but it is relevant to my concerns for which I have created this post.

SDs are not academic either, in fact SD16 who is in her GCSE year seems set to fail the majority of her exams and maybe scrape a D in technology at most. Younger SD last week was pleased that she’d got 41 on a test, out of 100. That’s the best grade she’s achieved since starting secondary school in September.

The dilemma is, although the kids aren’t academic they are far from stupid. They are street smart and have good logic etc which if channelled correctly would serve them very well in adult life. You don’t necessarily have to be academic to have a good career and I’ve been trying to help SD16 with her college applications and discuss options with her based around her natural skill set and what I think she’d be good at.

She’s very pretty, funny and pleasant to be around (most of the time) and so hospitality, beauty, hairdressing type courses I think would serve her well and she could go on to have a good career path stemming from them.

The problem here is her DM is drilling it in to the kids that these sorts of roles are beneath them, they couldn’t possibly work in a shop for example because “that’s what poor people do”.

But at the same time she’s making it very clear that she doesn’t value academic achievement either so she’s essentially setting them up to be unemployed like her. She’s told SD16 that her GCSEs don’t matter and she’ll be fine.

Whereas DP and I have emphasised she will need to pass her maths gcse at least as that will help her in the long term. She is capable of achieving a pass and we’ve offered to pay for online tutoring etc to help but her response was “I’d rather have the cash”?!

She dismisses the idea of being a hairdresser for example too, even though her auntie runs a very successful business and is a great role model.

I’m at a loss as how to help DP with guiding her with this. DP has asked for my help because she looks up to me and sees how hard I work and was hoping I could have some positive influence on her.

But honestly, I’m worried it’s a bit of lost cause Last night the girls were here for dinner and SD16 was talking about how having children gets you money (I kid you not!). She was saying about “these people who have loads of kids and get houses and money off the council”.

I was upset because it seemed like she thinks that’s an option for her. I explained that’s not the case, there are huge waiting lists for social housing, benefits are capped at 2 children etc and that the people who are claiming are doing so out of necessity and definitely wouldn’t have chosen it. Benefits are there to help those who are most in need.

I was in that position a few years ago where I was out of work with 2 small DCs and I wouldn’t wish that struggle on anyone.

So here’s my concern... I have huge worry SD16 is going to follow the same route as her mother. She is even saying things like “I’ll have kids with a rich man and I’ll be fine”.

I’m quite a bit younger than DP... I’m 33 and he’s 45 and my kids are still quite young (10 & 6). I’m looking forward to them being a bit more independent and enjoying some more personal freedom when I’m in my early 40s as my kids will be in their teens.
But it’s making me reevaluate my relationship with DP because I’m terrified that by the time my kids begin to have some independence that we’ll suddenly have all these issues with his DDs having babies and being unemployed. I foresee a future where his kids as adults will always be reliant on us for money.

I have a sinking feeling that SD will be pregnant in the next couple of years and I’ll have barely raised my own children then be expected to suddenly take on a grandmotherly role at a time I will want to be enjoying a bit less responsibility. I can envision DP being emotionally blackmailed into babysitting infants every weekend and therefore me too.

I feel sick with worry about these girls who have no drive or desire for a good future for themselves. They could be so much more than what I think they will inevitably become.

Am I truly awful person for considering ending my relationship over this? I adore my DP but I foresee a lot of problems with his daughters as they grow up. At the moment we’re able to instil boundaries and have some influence in their views... but I can see the positive influence we’re trying to have on SD is already lessening.

SD16 is a good kid. I want to help her but I don’t know if I have the emotional strength.

I think that maybe taking an emotional step back from their future is all you can do, and encourage DP to take a financial step back.

Right now they see it as an option because for their mum it HAS been an option. Unfortunately lazy 16 year olds don't change because of what their parents say, either they mature into themselves (and many do, even if it means starting an OU degree a few years later, even after an early 1st child), or they don't - you might as well set your boundaries, do what you can to secure your own DC's future and then continue to be a supportive presence as they grow and make their choices.

Splitting up with your dp.seems premature. If in a few years time, there is a new grandchild and expectations about care, that's different. But right now you're counting sorrows that haven't happened yet, maybe give it a year and see what happens post-pandemic before jumping.

@hadesinahalfahell yes! Such a similar situation!

I went back to uni to do a masters degree 3 years ago and all I heard from SDs was “My mum said going to university is pointless” or “My mum is going to go to uni and train to be a midwife”...
Yes of course she is

Mum lies a lot about things to the children which also doesn’t help their concept of money. She bought them counterfeit Louis Vuitton sliders and told the girls they were real. She’s told them they’re all going to Mauritius for 3 weeks but they don’t know when because of covid. They’re getting an expensive pedigree dog. Mum is getting a new Porsche. They’re buying at £500k house and both SDs will have en suite bathrooms.

None of this is true or ever materialises. It’s very bizarre.

Sorry to add... both girls completely buy into mum’s delusions and therefore think money literally “just happens”.

It was SD16s birthday 3 weeks ago and she was incredulous as to why we wouldn’t buy her a £600 pair of balenciaga trainers. Both SD and her mum kicked off with DP and called him selfish etc.

We are comfortable but not high earners, it was so strange. It was simply “I want them, you will buy them”.

Even when I pointed out that they would cost 8 days of my wage to buy she still couldn’t grasp how expensive they were or how unreasonable her request was.

I think she honestly thinks people will just hand her money for existing.

What a tricky situation. The one good thing is that your step daughter will need to go to college or get an apprenticeship. I would try to steer her towards a college that has a really good reputation and hopefully it will inspire her to want to achieve more. Even if she ends up doing a course that she later decides is not for her, she can always switch. Kids mature so much between 16 and 18 and hopefully by the time she has finished her college course she will know what career path she wants to follow. Keep drumming into her the importance of passing Maths and English so that no options are closed to her in the future and explain otherwise she will need to retake next year. Good luck op!

I wonder if it's also a combination of her mother's influence and her lack of confidence in her ability so has almost given up. Low self esteem and thinking I was stupid certainly contributed to my lack of plan in life for a while. I also wonder if her mum is jealous of you and your work ethic which may explain the elaborate stories about the house/ holidays etc?

It’s certainly an interesting dilemma. We’re in an age where supposedly you can be anything you want with little to no effort. Social media has cemented this idea that pretty girls can waft through life off the back of their aesthetic and little else. Therefore the thought of having to do actual work for money must seem ridiculous.

Personally I’d feel like you. I would be very worried for the future and how that will look. What does your DP say about it? It’s certainly a concern that he may end up taking on financial responsibility for the ex partner, the two children and then any grandchildren too. You need to do what’s right for you and your children. If you think it would be better to split now rather than later then do it. There’s plenty of other men out there who have far more simple lives. You don’t have to accept this particular man and his family if you don’t want to.

I think I'd get out of the relationship, to be honest.

Does the mum realise that her benefits and child support will stop soon? That will have a huge impact on her lifestyle.

I wouldn't want my daughter brought up with girls who think like that and I think you have to accept the part your partner's played in the way they are, too.

I think you need to stop worrying about an uncertainty. You don't know she will get pregnant. And even if she does it really is the making of some people.

I do find their attitudes very unappealing, I don't particularly care how smart someone is or if there is a knowledge gap but I do care if they are lazy. I have so much respect for people who are grafters regardless of which job they end up in. My brother is the same way but also very academic, but his laziness has cost him everything. School came very easy for him and so he never learned to study and apply himself and he is now 32 and has only been employed about 2 years of his life, currently studying something else.

You can't change the poor influence their mum is on them but you could look at the way your DP treats them? He is obviously very generous which is admirable and I can completely understand him handing cash to their mum but perhaps he needs to consider how this is affecting them? Maybe he could save up some money for them and say that once they have an income and x amount of savings they can access it for a car or house? Or say whatever they put in to a savings account from a saturday job he will match? There are ways of being generous without handing out cash.

One career route for them could be a nurse that administers lip filler etc? You can get through nursing with around c level grades but she would have to work very hard. I'm not sure the exact process once qualified (as it's not for me at all) but I know one newly qualified nurse currently setting up her own business so it's around 4 years hard work until you can start.

There was a thread here a few weeks ago from a poster who was working from home and her working outside the home dh told her he had informed adult sd that she would childmind without actuality asking her. It wasn’t ok and I think it ended up with the relationship ending.
I can see how these situations might arise over time as op says where the step parent is expected to step in time wise or financially for equality or parity with own dc etc.
I can only say that you need to make it clear that you can give advice and emotional support to them but you aren’t giving your time if it’s not convenient, you won’t be doing more than occasional babysitting you won’t be giving large financial handouts and anything that would impact on your own dc is completely off limits.

What dp does with his time and money is up to him as long as he pays his share of living costs and bills etc. This is a line in the sand you won’t cross.
Him and his ex aren’t doing them any favours in the long run, if she is attractive she might find a sugar daddy or rich dh to fund her lifestyle but that might not last and isn’t sustainable. It’s such a shame that her parents (mother) haven’t instilled a reasonable work ethic in their children.

@SpongebobNoPants

Sorry to add... both girls completely buy into mum’s delusions and therefore think money literally “just happens”.

It was SD16s birthday 3 weeks ago and she was incredulous as to why we wouldn’t buy her a £600 pair of balenciaga trainers. Both SD and her mum kicked off with DP and called him selfish etc.

We are comfortable but not high earners, it was so strange. It was simply “I want them, you will buy them”.

Even when I pointed out that they would cost 8 days of my wage to buy she still couldn’t grasp how expensive they were or how unreasonable her request was.

I think she honestly thinks people will just hand her money for existing.

£600 is the cost of a 5 night stay in a lovely 4* hotel we stay at in Tenerife. My trainers cost £80, and even then I thought they were fucking expensive!

She's going to be a very shocked little princess when she leaves school and has to fend for herself.

Bless you for trying though.

So...why didn't the mum buy the trainers?

Wow OP sounds like a really difficult situation. I like the idea of your DP setting aside some money to match their savings from a Saturday job or maybe he could set up a small savings account for them. Otherwise all you can do is set your own boundaries in respect of what you will and won’t do.

@Chatterpie what’s the hotel? I can play fantasy holiday creation 🤣🤣

It's Puerto Palace in Puerto de la Cruz. It's lovely!

Oh gosh that's really difficult OP. Must be so hard being a step parent when the other parent doesn't share your values at all. You can only have so much influence.

I don't know what is best really but I'd agree with others that it's good to have boundaries in place. In particular if you don't share finances with your DP then I'd keep it that way.

Your thoughts are all completely valid op!

The one that REALLY stood out to me was your worry about them having babies young and it impacting on you, your dp and your children.
It will be like starting stepparenting all over again. It’s not like when a fully grown stepdaughter has a baby and has her own place etc and they have their own life. Imagine all the demands from the ex! .

I have nothing against teenage mums by the way. I don’t judge at all. But I wouldn’t want to be a stepmum to one especially if I have children of my own as it wouldn’t inevitably affect them.

WOULD inevitably affect them

Talk to your DH.

Have you got your share of the house in writing or what have you?!

OP, encourage them to become tattooists. I'm paying fucking £600 a day for my backpiece, and he's not even the most expensive. There's a tattooist in London I'd love to book with but she's £750 a day.

Even better, encourage one to be a tattooist and one to be a tattoo remover. they can team up!

I’d keep setting a good example of hard work, quietly, without criticising her mum.

Sort your finances out and have honest convo with DP about how you feel about money/time potentially being invested in SDs who don’t help themselves. Ringfence uni etc money for your children.

Keep researching the college options and try to influence her choice... try to get her into one with good results and job outcomes. Try to persuade her to accept the maths tutoring.

Focus on skill building.... driving lessons for birthday (but not being given a car as a present). Does she swim, any interest in the lifeguard course? Look at online personal financial management courses for teens...Moneysavingexpert etc. Talk to her about being equipped for adult life, about having plenty of skills. Get your DP to suggest these things if she stops listening to you.

Don’t engage too much with the talk about babies, benefits etc.... she’s really young, it hasn’t happened and may not.

A lot of handling teenagers is about believing they’re listening and processing what you say, even when there’s no visible sign of it whatsoever.

Most 16 yr olds don’t know what they want to do. Most of us weren’t super sensible and clued up at that age. Just keep setting the example, giving pointers, but not expending all your energy on this.

Also to add - she’s coming up to the age where she’ll want to go out more in the evening, have more clothes etc. Expect her to fund much of this herself. Get your DP to have a think about what he’s prepared to fund when she’s at college... an unlimited budget is not in her interests. If she doesn’t want the hairdresser Saturday job, what does she think would be better? Has she got a favourite shop, Hollister or MAC or whatever.... she could research how to have the best chance of a Saturday job when things open up. If no interest, then she’ll have to get used to being short of money (realise not a great time for jobs tho)

I think you should discuss your concerns about the future with your DP.

Tell him what his DD said about having a baby and getting money if he doesn't already know.

Tell him that their attitude concerns you and even working with her Auntie didn't help.

Let him know that you feel they'll become heavily financially reliant on him/you in the future which will affect your relationship.

He asked you to help. You've kindly done so, so be honest and give him your feedback and assessment of the situation, given their attitude.

Have they ever watched 16 and pregnant? Or teen moms? They need to understand the reality of having a baby and the idea of marrying a rich man.

Well unless it's some much older man who sees being with a young good looking girl as a privilege, what's in it for him to have a woman who doesn't bring anything to the table.

They need to get real and realise that a lack of financial independence, can leave them vulnerable to abuse.

In a nice way is not up to you to worry thats what the parents are there for. I understand the aniexty you feel for them but for ur own sake you just have to let take there own path and b there for them if needed

@Chatterpie

So...why didn't the mum buy the trainers?

Yes, why wasn't her mum selfish for not buying them?

Where does she actually get spending money from? Ones that come from your DP too?