I’m scared of what the future holds regarding SCs

[SpongebobNoPants]

I just want to caveat this by saying I care immensely about my SCs and want the best for them.

Background is my DP is intelligent but not in the slightest bit academic and neither are his siblings. DP and his siblings (my SILs) have all chosen skill based jobs because of this and had forged good careers for themselves. DP is a tradesman and his sisters both work in the beauty industry, own their own businesses etc.

DP’s ex (mother of my SDs) is not academic either but has also never really worked. She’s either been unemployed or worked bare minimum hours and has relied her entire adult life on either benefits or handouts from DP. Her choice not to work more than part-time predates having their children and the children are secondary school age so it isn’t due to childcare issues.
Not my business, her decision but it is relevant to my concerns for which I have created this post.

SDs are not academic either, in fact SD16 who is in her GCSE year seems set to fail the majority of her exams and maybe scrape a D in technology at most. Younger SD last week was pleased that she’d got 41 on a test, out of 100. That’s the best grade she’s achieved since starting secondary school in September.

The dilemma is, although the kids aren’t academic they are far from stupid. They are street smart and have good logic etc which if channelled correctly would serve them very well in adult life. You don’t necessarily have to be academic to have a good career and I’ve been trying to help SD16 with her college applications and discuss options with her based around her natural skill set and what I think she’d be good at.

She’s very pretty, funny and pleasant to be around (most of the time) and so hospitality, beauty, hairdressing type courses I think would serve her well and she could go on to have a good career path stemming from them.

The problem here is her DM is drilling it in to the kids that these sorts of roles are beneath them, they couldn’t possibly work in a shop for example because “that’s what poor people do”.

But at the same time she’s making it very clear that she doesn’t value academic achievement either so she’s essentially setting them up to be unemployed like her. She’s told SD16 that her GCSEs don’t matter and she’ll be fine.

Whereas DP and I have emphasised she will need to pass her maths gcse at least as that will help her in the long term. She is capable of achieving a pass and we’ve offered to pay for online tutoring etc to help but her response was “I’d rather have the cash”?!

She dismisses the idea of being a hairdresser for example too, even though her auntie runs a very successful business and is a great role model.

I’m at a loss as how to help DP with guiding her with this. DP has asked for my help because she looks up to me and sees how hard I work and was hoping I could have some positive influence on her.

But honestly, I’m worried it’s a bit of lost cause Last night the girls were here for dinner and SD16 was talking about how having children gets you money (I kid you not!). She was saying about “these people who have loads of kids and get houses and money off the council”.

I was upset because it seemed like she thinks that’s an option for her. I explained that’s not the case, there are huge waiting lists for social housing, benefits are capped at 2 children etc and that the people who are claiming are doing so out of necessity and definitely wouldn’t have chosen it. Benefits are there to help those who are most in need.

I was in that position a few years ago where I was out of work with 2 small DCs and I wouldn’t wish that struggle on anyone.

So here’s my concern... I have huge worry SD16 is going to follow the same route as her mother. She is even saying things like “I’ll have kids with a rich man and I’ll be fine”.

I’m quite a bit younger than DP... I’m 33 and he’s 45 and my kids are still quite young (10 & 6). I’m looking forward to them being a bit more independent and enjoying some more personal freedom when I’m in my early 40s as my kids will be in their teens.
But it’s making me reevaluate my relationship with DP because I’m terrified that by the time my kids begin to have some independence that we’ll suddenly have all these issues with his DDs having babies and being unemployed. I foresee a future where his kids as adults will always be reliant on us for money.

I have a sinking feeling that SD will be pregnant in the next couple of years and I’ll have barely raised my own children then be expected to suddenly take on a grandmotherly role at a time I will want to be enjoying a bit less responsibility. I can envision DP being emotionally blackmailed into babysitting infants every weekend and therefore me too.

I feel sick with worry about these girls who have no drive or desire for a good future for themselves. They could be so much more than what I think they will inevitably become.

Am I truly awful person for considering ending my relationship over this? I adore my DP but I foresee a lot of problems with his daughters as they grow up. At the moment we’re able to instil boundaries and have some influence in their views... but I can see the positive influence we’re trying to have on SD is already lessening.

SD16 is a good kid. I want to help her but I don’t know if I have the emotional strength.

I can’t really unmerge at this stage. I would have to kick him out as even though we own the house together the majority (almost all) of the equity is mine and that will inevitably cause a split.

OP I completely get it.

This will impact upon your life - and that of your daughters - in the future. In fact, it already is, because you're worrying about it.

Your DP - knowing what their mother was like - could have used his weekends/contact time with his daughters to take them to music/sports/drama/museums/theatre/encouraged PT jobs, but it sounds like he hasn't taken the time to broaden their horizons. The consequences are that they've got no interests, ambition or drive, which will inevitably lead to them not having a strong self-concept and falling into relationships/babies.

You have two choices: stay and support, or distance yourself and prioritise your own children.

Good luck

Why would being a hairdresser be beneath them?

I kind of wish I'd become a hairdresser instead of going to uni and into data analytics. My hairdresser earns a shit tonne more than I do.

PS I'm only partially blaming your DP, I guess their mum shoulders most of the blame

You and your DH are raising two sets of children with completely different upbringings and values. I can see exactly why you are worried, your dp will support them in some way forever by the sounds of it.

I wouldn't want to live this way, my children are savers and I save for them too. They will both be able to afford driving lessons a cheap car and associated costs at 17 from their own accounts. I have money aside for university, helping with a deposit, weddings etc.

I'd worry that this would be begrudged by DH and his children in your situation. I'm raising my children to be independent and work and the money I've saved for them will help them become independent earlier. It sounds like you are the same, I wouldn't compromise that for anything.

@MoodyMarshall you couldn’t be further from the truth.

Over the years we have taken the kids to dance lessons, music lessons, drama, gymnastics, cheerleading, Brazilian jujitsu to name a few.

But DM will either not be bothered to take them on her weekends with the kids or will be disparaging about the activity until the kids lost interest.

I completely understand your worries and I would certainly feel the same. It's difficult sometimes with SC as you want to install the same values/parenting as you would for your own children but not being their parent makes that difficult sometimes. It appears that you and their mother have differing values and that is tricky to navigate. I would certainly talk about this with your DP in a sensitive way and my advice would be to try and encourage them positively about what their options could be etc my SC are only 10 & 13 and do well in school but the emphasis on education and activities/ aspirations certainly isn't how I would want to do it with my own. I have no preference in terms of what they want to do in life etc as long as their happy but I would be concerned if they were verbalising thoughts of living off the state etc. Is it possible she was saying that for a reaction?

I'd worry that this would be begrudged by DH and his children in your situation. I'm raising my children to be independent and work and the money I've saved for them will help them become independent earlier

I don’t think he’d begrudge me giving money to my kids that I’ve saved for, but I can envision being pressured into giving money to help his kids too.

Imagine a situation where SD has a baby and is struggling due to not having an income and DP sees I have money to buy things for my own kids like laptops or learning resources for college/uni.
I can see it being a case of “she needs help and the poor baby”.

Or her getting pregnant before having her own home and her mum kicking her out and us being expected to house her and the baby.

These thoughts keep me awake at night.

Is it possible she was saying that for a reaction?

Perhaps although I’m not sure why. She’s also having it modelled to her via her mum but the ironic thing is they think their mum lives this amazing lifestyle and firmly believe that their mum is too good for most jobs... they sniggered when DP spoke to his ex about a job opportunity his friend had coming up as a cleaner for an industrial unit close to their home.

They all said “Ewww as if mum would be a cleaner”.

Let me tell you something, I would scrub toilets all day long if I needed to earn money to support my family. There’s no shame in ANY jobs... but I do think there is shame in being lazy and expecting others to pick up the tab.

@Chatterpie exactly 😂😂😂

I wonder if you could start having general talks about where they want to be in 5,10 years time just to see their thoughts and possibly gently challenge their veiwpoints. Not in a confrontation way but more, but how would you manage this or that etc and talk about adults and responsibilities etc. I bet they have no idea of costs living as an adult and wages etc. It is difficult when their moral compass is not sharing the same values as you and possibly your DP? I regularly talk with my SC about this sort of things as we believe it's important for children to be grounded and have a solid understanding in order to achieve. This prob sounds really heavy stuff, it's not I promise! All age appropriate etc. We encourage them to save their pocket money and they have their own bank accounts etc we are quite fortunate in terms of our own careers but that's because we have worked increasingly hard and my worry is mostly about the kids being spoilt!

Just wanted to add that you clearly care a lot about them so they are very lucky to have you but I understand this must be really worrying and difficult for you. I wouldn't suggest leaving at this stage but I would have a very Frank convo with DP laying out your concerns and safeguarding yourself and you kids for the future in terms of finances etc. Then should the worst happen, you can be clear in what you have said and the responsibility really falls to your DP and their Mother.

Or her getting pregnant before having her own home and her mum kicking her out and us being expected to house her and the baby

Given she's so proud of her own lifestyle, would she really kick her out if she followed in her footsteps? If so, is she aware DSD has been saying these things and would she crack down on it if she was?

There are many many ways of being smart.

And just because they are not academic, doesn't mean they need to work in a shop or be a hairdresser.

Most people find their way.

Just be a good example. Support their interests, support them by encouraging as many experiences as possible.

@roxybear we do this regularly. This is how the conversation started last night.
I helped SD with her 6th form application a few weeks back and I asked when she’d know if she got in.
Sounds awful but there’s not a chance she’ll get a place at her school’s 6th form as her year group is nearly 300 pupils and they can only accommodate around 120 pupils for the 6th form and to be blunt... she won’t get the grades.

So I’ve been trying to encourage her to apply to a range of college to hedge her bets. In a nice way we’ve talked about career paths... even things like she’s said she is wants this type of car, or a house like that etc and we always say “bloody hell that’ll be expensive! Better get a good job hey!”

When she was picking her GCSE options we talked a lot about what jobs she would be interested in and tried to help her pick subjects that would be relevant.

She was interested in photography for a while so I got a photographer friend of mine to have a chat with her and when SD realised how much work goes into editing etc she completely lost interest. I think she thought she could literally just turn up to an event, take photos and then get paid.

We’ve also discussed options like recruitment because I have a friend who SD16 likes who is a recruitment field rep and travels to meetings all over the country. She’s a pretty, driven woman but wasn’t academic either but has such great personal skills that she has forged this amazing (and well paid) career. Plus jobs like that offer commission so you earning potential is huge!

Again, SD lost interest pretty quickly when she found out the long hours my friend does.
She wants the posh car, nice house and designer gear my friend has but has no desire to work for it.

@Somethingkindaoooo absolutely! I totally agree! Hence why we’re trying to help her find her way.

Not everyone finds their way though so they. We’re trying to encourage her to make the most of her natural skills

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Chatterpie exactly 😂😂😂[/quote]
What if you told them that some hairdressers are on £50k? My hairdresser does a lot of balayage and is very in demand locally and she does really fucking well for herself.

@SpongebobNoPants I understand totally how you feel & I felt exactly the same when with exdp. My anxiety over his dc being financially dependent on him well into adulthood & as you say, thus impacting my future & my retirement was very, very real.
His dc were also very unmotivated & expected everything to be handed to them. I think it's easy to blame the dm's in these situations & that's what exdp did. However, while I agree her lack of ambition rubbed off on the dc I also believe they just inherited more of her genes than they did of exdp's. Some kids of unmotivated parents go totally the opposite way & become really high achievers & that's down to personality.
I hate to say it but the ship might have sailed with the 16 year old but either way I think the only thing you can do is counterbalance her statements & attitudes all the while ring-fencing your own finances for you & your own dc.
These dc sound like they have a lot of positive influences in their lives, you, aunties etc. but if they can't see that's a better way to live than what their dm is doing then there's very little you can due to change it.
I always felt exdp gave too much maintenance. It was WAY above the recommended amount which meant that his exw was able to fund her own life out of it (for the record it was never spousal maintenance) & therefore had no impetus to get a job because she didn't have to. Like your situation she would regularly run up debts because she never stopped buying, would then need a bail out from exdp for car repairs & the such like. I think while extra was given to her for the sake of the dc, it was a massive mistake on exdp's part as the dc just kept witnessing a lavish lifestyle that had no basis in working for what you have/want. And in that respect he is almost as much to 'blame' for their lazy attitude as her.
As long as your dp's finances & emotions are still 'controlled' by his ex & dc keep yours very separate especially if you get married as I think you are very right about his dd's potential behaviour & attitude to dad bailing them out.

Sounds like your doing all you can to support her. Perhaps if she goes to college and meets some new people they will help her find her way too. There are so many factors that influence young people these days. I was similar at that age in terms of not knowing what I wanted to do and only really figured this out at 21! 🤦‍♀️. I got there in the end but with a lot of support from my mum. I would keep persevering with supporting her with options and defo speak to your DP about your concerns

@SpongebobNoPants

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, I jumped to the wrong conclusion

Can I just say, on behalf of teachers everywhere, thank you for putting so much work into your SDs and taking an interest in their lives. it is a massive shame that their toxic mother has undone it all.

Perhaps it will click at some point in the future and they'll realise that there are options in life. In the meantime, I share your concerns about their future.

@Chatterpie she knows 🤷🏼‍♀️
Her auntie has a 5 bed house and drives a top of the range RangeRover. And she’s a super cool auntie, she was a bit of a celebrity hairdresser back in the day and some famous clientele.
Now she has a successful but more local salon but her business is booming! (Outside of lockdown restrictions obviously).

@MoodyMarshall thanks, that was nice to say.

My DD is very academic and naturally bright, and I know it can often cause resentment (although not obviously) from DP. She literally sails through school and is very driven even at her young age.
I’m also worried it’ll cause issues when she goes off to uni as I will want to support her financially but I can see problems arising and him wanting to give his kids money because I will be with mine.

How long have you been with your partner?

You are being very sensible to look to the future. It is likely your dc and sd will have different paths and that could cause issues, especially with finances. It could also mean that your sd will not be independent and need to live at home whereas your dc may go off to Uni.

I don't know what the answer is but you are still very young so face a long life of supporting and facilitating sds. You can do anything as the influence from their mother will be stronger.

There are so many similarities in your situation and the situation I found myself in as a 'SM'. Academia was not encouraged by anyone but me really, and the mum who occasionally worked part time in a cash in hand job had all these grandiose ideas but was always 'too good' or 'overqualified' to go and get entry level qualifications so that she could sit GCSE's. Ironically the DSC would always say their mum was going to be a teacher, despite telling the DSC they didn't have to bother with homework, or in fact school after the age of 14 'because they can send you to special colleges then' ie- alternative education provision for children who mainstream isn't suitable for. Why tell a year 7 child that? The DSC would throw out comments like 'oh I want to be a vet' or some other such prestigious role but like yours, had no drive or motivation to actually take any preceding steps to make it happen. The parents would tell all and sundry 'my daughter wants to be a vet' and everyone would be so proud, but in reality, nobody was helping the kids with their basic school work despite the schools telling them that the DSC were almost 2 academic years behind.

Sorry, I meant to say that I know your DP is fully on board with you and has tried his best.