His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

Benefits should be some assistance if needed.

The ex's living costs should not be so heavily dependent on CSM that she cannot manage if her ex is out of work for a few months. These things happen.

Completely irrelevant all comments about this - it is simply NOT the OP's problem.

You've both got a child with him. He isn't working so can't support either of you. You're in exactly the same position she is so why on earth should you cough up even more to support her?
It'd be different if you as a couple decided he'd be a SAHD and thereby purposely denying her maintenance support.
Stay well out of it. I doubt she'd be giving back maintenance if you lost your job to help you.

@funinthesun19 Perhaps I misunderstood your meaning? I thought you were saying the children in first families are disadvantaged in situations like this. Or did you mean that that's what is portrayed?

Yes I meant it’s the way it’s portrayed.

The thing what I don’t like and it’s a recurring theme on these threads, is both children are losing out from financial support from their father. BUT, only one is seen as important and their income must not be affected and another woman must actually step in when she has her own household to see to and rebudget for in order to support. Then someone throws out the poverty line as a way to get the stepmum to comply.

If he is unable to meet his obligations and needs to make some financial contribution for his child you should give him the money so he continues to pay her and make clear he makes no ref to you. I'd also keep a record so that he can pay you back. I would suggest checking contributions on CPA website as I know it isn't as much as she's asking for. I have a stepchild who is grown up now and get that your dp in different circumstances would pay more but as it stands he should attempt to pay the minimum required if he can.

@BungleandGeorge

It’s morally wrong to bring children into the world and not expect to pay for them every single month. Both parents but it seems it’s optional for one of them. Nobody has answered whether they think it’s expected for Dad to pay double if mum loses their job? The mum may not be behaving well but the responsibility is towards the child. To think of maintenance payments as a bonus or optional is pretty poor. He needs to do everything to raise as much money as possible

But he hasn't brought them into the world expecting to not pay for them. If he and Mom were together and he lost his job he wouldn't be contributing to their costs either ATM because he has ZERO income. He hasn't quit and said screw you ex, he got made redundant in the middle of a worldwide pandemic.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky l was wondering whether the ex partner works or not?

Watchingbehindmyhands

Ok, I take all of your points on board. It’s not the same everywhere.

BUT. And this is a BIG BUT.

It’s still not the op’s responsibility or any other woman’s responsibility in her shoes to pay maintenance. The op shouldn’t have to go back to work early in order to cushion the ex’s household. She’s enjoying her maternity leave and that’s important to her, so why should she go back to work when she doesn’t need to? Would the ex do it for her, give up her maternity leave (baby with her partner) make sure her older child’s sibling is ok? Nope.

The ex will just have to find another solution.

If he's paying £450
A month he's either massively over paying or was earning over 60k a year

Does he have no savings he can pay from -at least in the short term?

I haven’t RTFT but please don’t pay OP. You’re missing out on a damn sight more than £450, picking up his half of the bills and now expected to pay CM? Can you not see you’re being shit on from every angle?

Your DSS has two parents. You are not one of them. You will not get any thanks for this long term.

The trouble with the law in this country is that in some situations it is household income, and in others it is parental income.
For instance: the NRP pays maintenance based on their own income, and their partner’s (if they have one) isn’t included. In fact they can pay less maintenance if they have another child with their partner, or their partner has dc living with them.
However: the RP’s benefits are calculated on household income, so the amount of UC or tax credits they can get is less if their partner is earning more, making the step parent financially responsible for the dsc. Same for university: it is not how much the two parents earn that is used to calculate grants and loans, it is household income where the child lives. So a high earning step parent limits the support a young person can get. Equally a high earning NRP has no legal responsibility to support that child at uni (although they do have a moral one).
All that said, I don’t think OP should pay, but her DP should be doing everything he can to get another job ASAP, so he can continue supporting all his DC.

I suggest he tells her quite clearly that if she stops contact, he will be going to court to get a shared care order.

And that he will be keeping a record of any abusive messages.

And that he will be resuming maintenance as soon as he is able.

Nobody has answered whether they think it’s expected for Dad to pay double if mum loses their job?

Not by default but if she had no income and no savings with which to keep the kids fed then naturally yes, it would be said that the dad needs to chip in more to cover their essential expenses. The mum would be expected to focus on finding a job but she wouldn't be able to materialise one out of thin air in the meantime.

Whilst on the subject of double standards, can YOU answer whether you would expect the mum to pay towards OPs child, if OP didn't have a job and she did? Because that is the double standard that is rife on this thread.

Op is ther an option to have step child more? He isn't working so can help more with home schooling and you'll be incidentally be reducing her costs by feeding her etc.

Agree it isn't your responsibility but if she was living fulltime with you and he lost his job you'd presumably not feed your and let his eldest go hungry / bare foot so I'd look at the legal minimum in his last job and see if it's possible to pay her that, even if you keep tab and he pays you back looking term

@DifficultBloodyWoman

1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

1. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

What you have said about not needing a ringside seat at some circuses is 100% accurate.

If his ex thinks you should pay now, would she still expect it if the two of you were to split up? That is something your DP should consider too.

This

Benefits should be some assistance if needed

Benefits for the ex wife will not change as a result of her ex husband being made redundant. Child maintenance hasn't been taken into account when calculating entitlement to means tested benefits for quite some time. As such, the only way the ex can make up the difference in income is by working more, assuming she is in a role where this is possible. Not everyone is. She could also look to diversify her income - something I do so if something goes, I don't lose everything but then my ex pays sod all so I had to do something. Or she spends less which, depending on how much she needs the maintenance may or may not be possible.

It’s still not the op’s responsibility or any other woman’s responsibility in her shoes to pay maintenance

I never said it was. You just filled that in yourself. Please don't put words in my mouth that were never there.

"It'd be different if you as a couple decided he'd be a SAHD and thereby purposely denying her maintenance support."

Exactly. They're not taking some joint decision for OP's benefit and sod DSC's mum. The man's been made redundant. Where is the outrage from the poor dear children posters that he can't pay for his child with OP either? No... let's try and guilt trip her instead into ending her maternity leave early to pay for a child she has no rights over.

"However, I think this is complicated because he is unable to claim any benefits as a direct result of living with you and your salary. Can you figure out how much he might be entitled to if you were a lower earner and see how much being with you is costing him in this regard?"

ASofaNearYou makes a very good point that if he was entitled to benefits because OP's income wasn't a factor then they'd be swallowed up by his own living expenses anyway - he certainly wouldn't be able to hand £450 of it over to the mum in maintenance unless someone else was subsidising him. Whichever way you look at it it'd be the OP propping those payments up.

You have absolutely no obligation to pay child maintenance for a child who isn't yours, nor should you feel compelled to.

If my knobhead XH lost his job, I would never expect his wife to pay for my DC because it's not her problem or responsibility. She has her own DC to fund. Not that she would anyway!

I never said it was. You just filled that in yourself. Please don't put words in my mouth that were never there.

Excellent! Glad you agree.

Whilst on the subject of double standards, can YOU answer whether you would expect the mum to pay towards OPs child, if OP didn't have a job and she did?

My ex hasn't paid maintenance in 12 years. As far as I'm concerned, I have subsidised his lifestyle and that of his non-working partner. Apparently I'm a lazy bitch and a money grabber. I work three jobs and no money has ever come my way! She's a bit of an embaressment really. My kids take the piss out of her when they think I'm not listening.

Whilst on the subject of double standards, can YOU answer whether you would expect the mum to pay towards OPs child, if OP didn't have a job and she did? Because that is the double standard that is rife on this thread.

I keep asking this, but not getting any response. It’s funny that...

Those saying why should the DS be living in poverty - will he be?

What does the ex do for a living? Does she work while he is in school? Does she have a partner living with her, or any more children?

For all we know the ex could be earning the same as op.

"However, I think this is complicated because he is unable to claim any benefits as a direct result of living with you and your salary. Can you figure out how much he might be entitled to if you were a lower earner and see how much being with you is costing him in this regard?"

So now OP should compensate her OH for supporting him financially??

Truly comical.

How would he pay his bills without an income?

My DH was made redundant a last year, as was I. Swiftly followed by his ex 2 months later.
Funnily enough, before she lost her job too, she wasn’t rushing to our aid to give us money to make sure her daughters sibling wasn’t in poverty
And why the fuck should she have?
DH told her in advance it was happening and that he already had a few irons in the fire for a new job, that maintenance payments would be staying as they were for the time being but would I have to review in a few months time if he was struggling to get a new job.
We were in a position to do that because he got a redundancy payout, not because DH is an inherently better or more worthy father than OPs DP.
Ex was fine with this, why would she be mad at a man who has always supported his child? He wouldn’t have dropped or even stopped payments just to be an arsehole an she knew that.
Luckily we all got new jobs pretty quickly so crisis averted.
Finding some of these comments quite laughable.

For all we know the ex could be earning the same as op.

I don’t think that would change anything to some people.