His ex wants me to pay maintenance

[Justriseaboveitkiddo]

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

But on the actual point

I’ve been the divorced dad who’s been made redundant and it’s awful. You feel an overwhelming obligation to provide for your kids and kept payments up, a failure career wise and personally, and find yourself ensuring you can still pay what you used to even when you have no income.

Yes losing CM is a blow. Losing your job is a blow. All parties need to find a way through but I think the responsibility to step in isn’t yours.

The ex should understand and accept less. Your DP is doing all he can to provide something. You could help out, but you don’t have to and shouldn’t feel obligated too

It’s hard all round. I feel for him

It’s morally wrong to bring children into the world and not expect to pay for them every single month. Both parents but it seems it’s optional for one of them. Nobody has answered whether they think it’s expected for Dad to pay double if mum loses their job?
The mum may not be behaving well but the responsibility is towards the child. To think of maintenance payments as a bonus or optional is pretty poor. He needs to do everything to raise as much money as possible

"Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out?"

In our case the mum witheld contact completely when he left and he had to go to court to fight for it. No malice at all in the breakup, she's just a bully and was indignant when he left. It cost my husband £14k to get the court order in place and there was no reason at all for it to go that far.

If he doesnt have a court order then that needs to go on the hitlist, if maintenance isnt through the CSA yet he needs to approach that option with her to get the "official line" on it.

Any reason why the child couldnt be accomodated more with your family in order to free her time up from childcare so she can work? this is always an interesting question to ask of the ex. in our case the ex has recently increased her hours after maintenance dropped when one child left school. (convenient for her that this didnt happen before) It's not entirely out of the realms of possibility in the strangest recession we've known in our lifetime that perhaps the resident parent could make up some working hours and income?

@BungleandGeorge

Your partner needs to pay for his children, it’s not optional. if he needs to dip into savings or stop his phone contract or whatever he needs to do that. Get any work he can.He may have to lower the amount he pays and then make up for it afterwards. He is in a much better financial position than if he was single as he is a part of a household with an income. Both parents are equally responsible. If the mum had lost her income would your partner have doubled his maintenance payments? I think in the vast majority of cases the answer would be no

No. His income is lower or zero. Ex needs to accept money can’t come from thin air and take some of the pain. Horrible but not his fault

@BungleandGeorge

It’s morally wrong to bring children into the world and not expect to pay for them every single month. Both parents but it seems it’s optional for one of them. Nobody has answered whether they think it’s expected for Dad to pay double if mum loses their job? The mum may not be behaving well but the responsibility is towards the child. To think of maintenance payments as a bonus or optional is pretty poor. He needs to do everything to raise as much money as possible

Mum would get benefits if she lost her job because the child lives with her, which regardless of op dad would not get. Two very different scenarios.

Nobody has said it's optional but if dad lived with mum and lost his job she'd be getting nothing off him then (just like op is).

I really don't understand what you want him to do?

Also I said if I was receiving maintenance id considering it as a bonus because it's unreliable. People lose their job, they get ill, they die. You can't rely on it.

@BungleandGeorge

It’s morally wrong to bring children into the world and not expect to pay for them every single month. Both parents but it seems it’s optional for one of them. Nobody has answered whether they think it’s expected for Dad to pay double if mum loses their job? The mum may not be behaving well but the responsibility is towards the child. To think of maintenance payments as a bonus or optional is pretty poor. He needs to do everything to raise as much money as possible

Oh fuck right off

He accepts the obligation but has list his job

If mum loses hers the state steps in. They don’t cover CM payments if the dad loses his

@BungleandGeorge

It’s morally wrong to bring children into the world and not expect to pay for them every single month. Both parents but it seems it’s optional for one of them. Nobody has answered whether they think it’s expected for Dad to pay double if mum loses their job? The mum may not be behaving well but the responsibility is towards the child. To think of maintenance payments as a bonus or optional is pretty poor. He needs to do everything to raise as much money as possible

Yes @BungleandGeorge and the mother of the child should pay attention to this and get off her bum and try to get a job.

Not the sodding step mum!!!!!!

@jay55

Has he no savings to pay at least a nominal sum from while looking for work?

Many many many people don't, that can't come as a surprise?

I just find it so frustrating that the default answer is that first children always seem to be in poverty.

Do not pay his maintenance, it’s absolutely not your responsibility. Offer to have DSC more since DP is out of work, this should reduce the mothers costs. If she has more time without her child she can up her shifts at work too (depending on what she does). It’s not DP fault, it’s a difficult time for everyone. No one should make maintenance payments so integral to their monthly outgoings that they can cope without them. People’s lives can change in a flash and she could have lost/had a significantly reduced amount of maintenance at any time. I’m sure it goes without saying your DP will be desperately looking for alternate work in the meantime.

Funinthesun. You have no idea what it is like bringing up children when your partner has left, paying the bare minimum in maintenance. I work a zero hours contract as that's all that's available for school hours. I get a pittance in tax credits.
He gets to walk away from his children and pay the minimum but if I, their mother did this, social services would be involved. How on earth is that ok?
How is it ok for him to walk away and leave me with trying to keep a roof over their heads, gas for heating, electricity for washing clothes and home learning while he pays £79 a month for three kids? How on earth is that ok?

I believe you can’t get benefits if you have savings? I just hate the attitude that one parent is optional and has no responsibility to pay. I would actually say the same for contact though that it’s not optional for either parent and should never be withdrawn. Very wrong for mum to make that threat

You have no idea what it is like bringing up children when your partner has left, paying the bare minimum in maintenance.

Oh do I not?! How the fuck would you know?

My ex left just over a year ago and I bring up 4 children on my own with no help from their father financially or physically. He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t work. So there you go.... I do know what it’s like.

But they are NOT in poverty.

I just find it so frustrating that the default answer is that first children always seem to be in poverty.

But why is this?

The OP and the ex are both supporting their own child with no financial support from their father. If OP is in a better position it sounds like it is because she has got herself to that position. The ex should have some savings too for a rainy day just as your saying the father should. It sounds like the father is paying a lot anyway.

@TopBitchoftheWitches

Funinthesun. You have no idea what it is like bringing up children when your partner has left, paying the bare minimum in maintenance. I work a zero hours contract as that's all that's available for school hours. I get a pittance in tax credits. He gets to walk away from his children and pay the minimum but if I, their mother did this, social services would be involved. How on earth is that ok? How is it ok for him to walk away and leave me with trying to keep a roof over their heads, gas for heating, electricity for washing clothes and home learning while he pays £79 a month for three kids? How on earth is that ok?

With respect that’s your situation and unfair as it is, it’s not this situation. This is a man who is an active paren, pays his obligations and has lost his income. He’s done nothing wrong so projecting your own situation here isn’t helpful

But that isn't the question here. The question us if op a mom parent of te child should pay.... Which the answer is of course no

@BungleandGeorge

I believe you can’t get benefits if you have savings? I just hate the attitude that one parent is optional and has no responsibility to pay. I would actually say the same for contact though that it’s not optional for either parent and should never be withdrawn. Very wrong for mum to make that threat

What's that got to do with it? If they've savings they don't need benefits.

Nobody has said that.

As a non parent of the child

OP do not pay. You are already supporting your own household and cannot he expected to support another.

The ex will need to consider her options until your partner is in a position to pay.

@Athrawes

If you don't pay her some money how will house children with her eat? I understand that they are not your responsibility, they are his and hers, but he is your DP, in your life, his kids are part of him...they need feeding and clothing.

Dear heavens, it’s 2021, I am sure the child’s mother can work and contribute.

What would have happened had they still been together? No third party to swoop in and pick up the bill. The ex wife needs to cut back until the dad finds a new job. That’s what happens in families.

The OP and the ex are both supporting their own child with no financial support from their father. If OP is in a better position it sounds like it is because she has got herself to that position. The ex should have some savings too for a rainy day just as your saying the father should. It sounds like the father is paying a lot anyway.

I don’t understand this reaction to my post? I meant that on these types of threads it’s frustrating that the default answer is that first children are always in poverty as a way to manipulate stepmums to pay for them.

Not your circus and not your monkeys.
Simply refuse to get involved.
It is between your partner and his ex.
I simply cannot believe the whopping cheek especially as you are not even married haha.

Can you partners ex not work then?

@funinthesun19 Perhaps I misunderstood your meaning? I thought you were saying the children in first families are disadvantaged in situations like this. Or did you mean that that's what is portrayed?

And as a current benefit claimant myself, it’s not a paltry amount when you claim for children

Well that’s subjective, isn’t it? If you live in the south east with an average mortgage and your childcare is running to £75 per day, per child even a single parent earning well above national average is going to find things tight. If you’re in the North West where childcare is lower and housing costs are lower, not so much. As for benefits not being a paultry amount, it much depends on what you are able to claim according to your income and then your outgoings. Universal Credit is pretty shit for many. It is disingenuous to suggest otherwise.