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Original poster

His ex wants me to pay maintenance

502 replies

Justriseaboveitkiddo · 28/01/2021 04:32

So I'm a new mum and found mums net tonight whilst googling unblocking my baby's nose and generally making baby feel better during his first cold (warning, if you are thinking of sucking on your baby's nose you may end up with a mouthful of another humans snot) and then I saw this step parents page and wondered if someone could help shed some light on another matter for me. I had a quick squiz down the threads but couldn't find anything so I may be looking in the wrong place but anyway...
My dp (I really hope I get the acronyms right but I mean no offence if I don't) was made redundant last week, yay for Mondays, and he hasn't been there long enough to get any payout, I'm not even sure the company has money for payouts anyway. He had a conversation with his ex about child maintenance and basically he has no idea what he is going to do for money if he doesn't get a job quick sharp because he has no savings and he can't claim benefits as we live together and I earn quite a comfy wage so this month is likely the last maintenance payment he'll be making for a while. I'm currently on maternity and had initially planned to have as close to 2 years off as I could, I have savings to cover this and a little freelance side income that is still ongoing on an as and when I feel like it basis. As a household we will be OK for money for the next few months assuming the roof doesn't blow off or something equally expensive happens. I have never gotten involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine. We are completely separate in that respect. We split the bills down the middle and the rest is our own to do as we wish with. I definitely never ever ever got involved in the financial arrangements he had with his ex, I firmly believe there are some circuses you should never have a ringside seat for. However yesterday the ex made it my business by phoning my dp and told him I had to pay her his maintenance and she was getting a court order to make it so because we live together and she knows how much I earn and her child shouldn't be left in poverty when I'm clearly capable of paying (I imagine she's hazarded a guess at what I earn because of what I do and the look of my house and car etc but I can't see how she would know for sure) Now, I know she can't do that and I haven't ruled out giving her money but neither have I ruled it in. It turns out he was paying £450 a month and that's what she wants to keep getting or she'll stop contact. I just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar predicament, his child is 11 and this last year contact hasn't been great (covid) and I know the prospect of him having no contact at all is killing him but I'm swinging backwards and forwards from "cheeky cow, I've worked my bloody arse off in some absolute hell holes for years to have what I have and you're not getting a penny just because I started shagging your ex 4 years ago" to "sh*t I can't let him lose contact, if I don't pay it'll be all my fault he's hurting" Do mothers honestly stop contact with fathers over money? I've heard it but never really believed a mother could do that for that reason and has anyone paid a ransome on behalf of their men folk and how did it work out? There's is no way in hell she'd be getting £450 a month if I did pay, I'd have to go back to work really soon in order for that to happen and I'm definitely not giving up this time with my baby for anyone but then is less than half that going to get him any contact? Or should I just stop worrying about it and absolve myself completely on the grounds of its not actually my business?
I'm rambling now and I'm sorry, part of me needed to vent and part of me wants someone to tell me all this stuff works itself out.

OP posts:
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harknesswitch · 28/01/2021 15:11

*1. Do not pay his child support payments for him.

  1. Offer to help pay the legal fees for taking her to court if she withholds access.

What you have said about not needing a ringside seat at some circuses is 100% accurate.

If his ex thinks you should pay now, would she still expect it if the two of you were to split up? That is something your DP should consider too*

This x1000000

HarrysWife · 28/01/2021 15:11

Save your money OP and, if you want to help him, spend it on court costs and fight for him to see his child immediately and it be written in stone.

Radio4Rocks · 28/01/2021 15:15

Keep that recording in a safe place ready to show the court and maybe social services. She sounds dreadful. Poor child.

needadvice54321 · 28/01/2021 15:29

@MsMiaWallace

My mum stopped me seeing my dad in a similar situation at that age. It has fucked my head up long term I am now non contact with her. Have been for over 8 years.
That's sad @MsMiaWallace , I really wish parents wouldn't use their children like pawns. It's so bloody nasty Sad
TeaFamily · 28/01/2021 15:30

Crikey, OP maybe best thing is to get your DP a job ASAP. Then once you’re on an even keel - start saving for emergencies. Like these.

Bollss · 28/01/2021 15:31

@TeaFamily

Crikey, OP maybe best thing is to get your DP a job ASAP. Then once you’re on an even keel - start saving for emergencies. Like these.
Why doesn't mum start saving for emergencies, like these?
Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 15:47

I wish people would at least read the OPs posts before wading on to a 12 page thread with a useless comment Sad

SpongebobNoPants · 28/01/2021 15:47

@dontdisturbmenow

Times are difficult but there is no excuse for an educated, intelligent man to not find another job within months

In the meantime, he gives all or half his has payment

But he doesn’t have it to give! If he did then this post would not have been created!

And if he did have any savings why should it all go towards his first child? OP is now supporting his child on her own too?

SpongebobNoPants · 28/01/2021 15:50

OP please always keep your finances separate. Make sure you have a healthy savings pot to help you and your child in case anything like this happens again.

Also do not even consider giving his ex a penny. The cheeky bitch

LionLily · 28/01/2021 15:51

The only thing your dp has done wrong is not to go to court years ago to get his contact arrangements writ in law. If he was able to pay £450 a month in cm then he would certainly have had the resources to do so before now, when things have soured and the discussion is likely to be much more acrimonious.
I think I would be helping him to pay an 'appeasement' amount, just enough to placate her, whilst explaining that as dc is now of an age where their wishes would be taken into account you both feel it's time to talk about it in court, so that future access arrangements are based on what Mum, Dad and Child want (and are controlled from outside). Then make bloody sure that the dc knows dad wants contact just as it is currently.

dontdisturbmenow · 28/01/2021 16:06

But he doesn’t have it to give! If he did then this post would not have been created!
My post should have said JSA which he will be entitled to for 6 months.

needadvice54321 · 28/01/2021 16:07

@funinthesun19

Whilst on the subject of double standards, can YOU answer whether you would expect the mum to pay towards OPs child, if OP didn't have a job and she did? Because that is the double standard that is rife on this thread.

I keep asking this, but not getting any response. It’s funny that...

One is the stepmum and the other isn't? Isn't that the difference?

If my DH had a child before we met I would hopefully have a relationship with that child, as their stepmum. If we spilt up I wouldn't expect to have anything to do with any subsequent children that he'd go on to have..

LouJ85 · 28/01/2021 16:08

Why doesn't mum start saving for emergencies, like these?
Interesting oversight, isn't it ...

LouJ85 · 28/01/2021 16:10

If my DH had a child before we met I would hopefully have a relationship with that child, as their stepmum.

You'd have a relationship with them, yes. But you expect to be financially responsible for them if their father lost his job??

needadvice54321 · 28/01/2021 16:11

@LouJ85

If my DH had a child before we met I would hopefully have a relationship with that child, as their stepmum.

You'd have a relationship with them, yes. But you expect to be financially responsible for them if their father lost his job??

No I wouldn't at all

I was simply pointing out that there is a difference between the two scenarios. I don't think OP should be paying for her DSC

Youseethethingis · 28/01/2021 16:13

There’s a difference between scenarios but for all practical purposes in this scenario it’s exactly the same.
Neither mother of the half siblings is getting financial support from the father. Neither mother owes the other mother any money.

Lorieandrews · 28/01/2021 16:14

@TeaFamily

Crikey, OP maybe best thing is to get your DP a job ASAP. Then once you’re on an even keel - start saving for emergencies. Like these.
She’s got savings. She says so

It’s her dp who is the father. Not her. And he’s the one with no savings.

It’s not her child and trying to blackmail saying if you don’t find me or get someone who can find me the money otherwise you won’t ever see your child is incredibly nasty

funinthesun19 · 28/01/2021 16:24

One is the stepmum and the other isn't? Isn't that the difference?

In terms of finances and children it makes not one jot of difference who is stepmum and who isn’t. Both women are responsible for their own respective children and nobody else’s. So really they are the same. Just two mums who’s children’s shared father isn’t working. Neither has an obligation towards the other’s household.

One mum isn’t entitled to help from the other one unless it cuts both ways which it doesn’t. Can you imagine the outrage if the op was posting about her partner being made redundant and she thinks her partner’s high earning ex should pay for her child. Well it’s equally as outrageous that the ex is asking for the op to pay for her child.

3rdNamechange · 28/01/2021 16:25

@mummytolittledragons

It's not your responsibility to pay for his children. You should perhaps consider ending the relationship . Cheeky bastard ( dp not you)
It's the ex wife who's asked her to pay not her partner.
SleepingStandingUp · 28/01/2021 16:28

@TeaFamily

Crikey, OP maybe best thing is to get your DP a job ASAP. Then once you’re on an even keel - start saving for emergencies. Like these.
Why has op got to find her Dp a job?? Should he wipe his bottom for him too? She has 1 child, not 2. I'm sure he's capable of finding his own job
LouJ85 · 28/01/2021 16:39

I was simply pointing out that there is a difference between the two scenarios.

Yes but in the context of the topic of this thread, that difference is irrelevant. Step mum or not, relationship with partner's kids or not, the OP should still not be paying for said kids.

SilverOtter · 28/01/2021 16:41

@GrumpyHoonMain

Go to court and get 50/50 access - there will not be any maintenence to pay then.
Yes, do thus! Problem solvedSmile
needadvice54321 · 28/01/2021 16:42

@funinthesun19

One is the stepmum and the other isn't? Isn't that the difference?

In terms of finances and children it makes not one jot of difference who is stepmum and who isn’t. Both women are responsible for their own respective children and nobody else’s. So really they are the same. Just two mums who’s children’s shared father isn’t working. Neither has an obligation towards the other’s household.

One mum isn’t entitled to help from the other one unless it cuts both ways which it doesn’t. Can you imagine the outrage if the op was posting about her partner being made redundant and she thinks her partner’s high earning ex should pay for her child. Well it’s equally as outrageous that the ex is asking for the op to pay for her child.

I don't disagree but I think a step parent is more likely to support a step child than a woman supporting the child that her ex partner went on to have. The child is part of OP's family, her child isn't part of the ex partners family. Neither are obliged to support either child, but one is more likely than the other.
aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2021 16:48

I don't disagree but I think a step parent is more likely to support a step child than a woman supporting the child that her ex partner went on to have. The child is part of OP's family, her child isn't part of the ex partners family. Neither are obliged to support either child, but one is more likely than the other.

More likely yes, either because the step mum has been pressured or happens to be very generous, but no more reasonable for it to be expected.

Daisypaisy2 · 28/01/2021 16:50

I think your partner should not of relayed what the mother of his child said (that you should foot the bill).

Only on MN do I hear of people saying well his partner earns X and she lives in an expensive area...

I feel sorry for your partner OP he has just lost his job!!

I’m sure he’s not thrilled either. If he doesn’t have it the man doesn’t have it £450 is a lot when you have NO income coming in.