Stop me losing it with her!

[Chanandlerbong01]

Sorry it’s a long one!

My partners ex is difficult- I have seen this with my own eyes over the years and not just from listening to him. It seems to have multiplied today and I don’t know what to do/if I was in the wrong.

My partner and I are both teachers so working from home but in school on a rota - he is in school today. I noticed his phone ringing on his bedside table today after he had left and saw 11 missed calls from his ex so I answered (worried something was wrong with the girls).

Something urgent had come up at her work apparently and she needed to go into an office in a different city (about 60 miles away). She wanted my partner to have the girls - now obviously he couldn’t because he is at work and would be unable to leave, and didn’t have his phone anyway to know about this. I told her I was doing live lessons at home but if they are willing to entertain themselves/do their own schoolwork I’m happy for her to drop them off.

The first reaction was oh can’t you pick them up because I’m rushing, I said no because I have a lesson starting in 15 mins and wouldn’t be back.

She dropped them off and they sat perfectly doing their work in the kitchen. Halfway through my lesson I realised we have no juice or lunch in other than one tin of soup I was going to have. The plan was my partner would do the big shop on his way home and then pick the girls up after ready for us having the girls as normal (he still knows no different).

Now this is where it goes wrong:
I have a free lesson just before lunch, I decided I would throw the girls in the car, drive to the supermarket, leave the girls in the car and me run in and buy juice and lunch for the girls, come home feed them and then go back to my lessons. They are 9 and 10 but very mature. When we got to the supermarket there was a drunk man having an argument with someone in the carpark. As a result I felt uneasy leaving them in the car alone, I can’t lock the car without the alarm going off, I wouldn’t have time to drive elsewhere and get back for my lesson as it is a rural area. I decided to just take them in with me, grab the nearest food and go.

Got home, fed the girls and started my lesson. The eldest then came in with her phone looking very upset saying her mum wanted to speak to me. I had to say no because I was teaching my lesson and couldn’t come away. Within 10 minutes (impressive to say she was 60mile away) she was banging on the door so at this point I had to end my lesson early and go deal with her. She’s told me that I’m irresponsible and put her children in danger which I will never be forgiven for and they will not be returning whilst I am still in this house.

I genuinely do not know what to do! My partner is going to turn up at hers to pick the girls up oblivious to all of this and I don’t know what will happen. We’ve had some issues really and I don’t want anything to cause any extra stress. He will listen to my side and support me but if she doesn’t let the girls come he will have a rubbish weekend not seeing them and I can’t help but feel responsible.

Didn’t realise it was quite so long!

Fuck that!! I’d refuse to do her another favour ever again! And I’d refuse to deal with her at all.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. If your DH is unable to see his DC that's on his ex not you. If he complains about your actions then let them both know you are unable to look after the DCs moving forward and leave them to it. You did her a favour at the end of the day, doesn't sound like the girls were in any danger. You can't argue with crazy, don't let it wind you up xx

Call the school and get a message to him to call you before leaving for the day so hes not blind sided by this. His ex is loony and obviously lying about being at work if she managed to get to yours in 10 minutes, shes probably more annoyed she been caught out in a lie. I think what you did was ok in the circumstances.

^^ exactly this. I would (prettily) be tempted to ask whether she would have preferred the girls to go hungry? You did the best you could in the situation you were in, to help her with her daughters. She’s being ungrateful.

Well she is clearly a liar if she wasn't where she said she was.

Secondly if she is prepared to leave them in your home with only you responsible for them then she needs to respect how you respond to such situations. Unless you have a explicit agreement that the girls are not allowed in the supermarket at present then why would you not take them in if it meant you were able to feed to them.

Does your Dh never take his phone to work? That would make be very uncomfortable that I couldn't have reasonable communication with him with out calling the school. Surely he can check his text at lunch or after work.

Either way he will hear her side first when he goes there, I hope she lets the girls come as planned and he realises she is the unreasonable one.

Wow, she's being totally unreasonable. Is her issue purely that you took the girls into the shop? Total overreaction and I'd be telling her to stick it. As PP said, try get a message to your partner before he heads over to collect them. Is there a court order for access? She can't just decide they can't come this weekend because you took them to the bloody shop 🙄

I only agreed because I thought to the girls would end up sat in the car all day whilst she was in the office and they were always coming tonight anyway. I don’t believe she will tell my partner the truth of what happened and he won’t know what to say because he has no idea I have even had the girls today

You were fucked coming and going with this one op. If you’d not fed them she’d have had the arse about that no doubt. It takes a special type of person to be cunty to a teacher during all this, let alone a teacher who’s just gone miles out of their way doing them a massive favour.

What does she do about shopping when they are with her?

And if your dh hasn’t got your back on this one, i’d be ramming that phone up his arse so he doesn’t forget to take it with him again.

Can you call reception at his school and ask them to ask him to call you?

And agree that you need to try and get a message to him to come straight home so you can get your side in first.

She’s talking out her arse, she needs the childcare so she won’t stop contact.
I’d be stopping contact with her though. No more favours.
It was very good of you to do what you did and if your services are not to her standard well boo hoo she’s lost a willing helper hasn’t she? What have you lost? Nothing but aggro.
Stupid woman showed herself up to be a liar on top of everything else too 🙄

No court order because she has another kid to someone else from a previous relationship so when they split it just made sense to have the girls when he goes to his Dads.

He normally takes his phone he must have just forgotten to pick it up today, last time he forgot it he broke down. I’ve rung school and asked them to tell him to ring me before setting off. If he doesn’t ring I’m going to park at the end of her street and watch for him so I can speak to him.

I’ve done odd favours for her in the past and he always says it’s my choice but I shouldn’t waste my time. As I have a good relationship with the girls (known them 7 years) I wanted a positive relationship with their Mum so that they never felt in the middle. I saw it as her not being my ex so I have no reason to hold a grudge with her!

And tbh I don’t think it’s on anyone to stop you losing it with her. I think a little bit of a sharp talking to wouldn’t go amiss. You did her a favour, at great inconvenience to yourself. She interrupted your essential face to face work. 30 (?) children were done out of some of their precious live face to face teaching time because she is a messy bitch who lives for drama. She has threatened to disrupt contact arrangements as a punishment. She is bang out of order, and there’s no harm in letting her know that imo. But i would wait until you can be icily polite before laying all this out for her.

Really feel for you here, you've gone so far out of your way today to help her and this is the shit you get. I would never treat my DS stepmom like this. Taking them into the shop is not putting them in danger. Whatever happens, just know that everything you did today was above and beyond and 100% the right thing to do given the circumstances you were faced with so don't take any shit from anyone or stress yourself too much x

And apart from anything else (god she’s wound me up and I don’t even know her) she’s being completely illogical. A ten minute supermarket sweep “put her children in danger” did it? Given that both you and dh are still going in and out of school working face to face with keyworker children, ie children whose parents may well be frontline nhs/care/supermarket workers, what additional risk were they exposed to that they would not have been exposed to had contact taken place as it usually does?

@MadameButterface she's bloody wound me up too!!! Glad I'm not the only one 😂

He’s just called and when I told him he sighed and said he thought she had been acting too nice recently and he wondered when it would balance out.

He is texting his eldest to ask what they fancy for tea and telling her I had mentioned how well behaved they had been today - so that she isn’t worrying she’s in trouble from us for telling her Mum I took them to the shop.

He plans on picking them up at normal time and thinks she won’t say no because he suspects that she is seeing someone so will want the girls out of the way.

Hahaha @Meggymoo777 i can handle thick people, and i can handle cheeky people, but the two combined are too much for my stir crazy ass 😂

I honestly think I'd be knocking on her door, after the girls are home to yours and oblivious to them, and asking how dare she think she can treat you that way and ask her to explain how you put her children in danger. As @MadameButterface pointed out, additional risk from a shop run considering your professional roles is so minimal it's negligible.
Obviously this could be more trouble than it's worth, I'm just fuming on your behalf OP x

So you protected her children in a situation you felt wasn't safe for them, while helping her out, trying to feed them, while tackling your work day too? You have not one single thing to feel bad about. Don't give it a second thought.

Bet she's fun at parties

But surprised that given both you a DH have decent jobs and money coming in that the only food you had in the entire house was 1 tin of soup. No other tins, no bread, no veggies or eggs lurking in the fridge or nothing in the freezer that you could defrost? The girls could have just drunk water and had whatever you had in the house for lunch.
Ex does sound a bit dramatic but what bad timing it was, DH had left his phone at home and was going to do the big shop that very night. Did you really need to race to a shop in between lessons it seems unnecessarily stressful. Get DH to buy a pack of fish fingers and frozen veg to keep in the freezer when he does the shopping just in case it happens again.

You did nothing wrong OP
I wouldn't do any favours for her again

@Namechangedforabet we’ve been working until 10/11pm most nights so haven’t been to the shop and had enough food up until my lunch today. We do have odd bits in but nothing to make enough of a meal. Plus we always do the big shop on a Friday...if we had food left we wouldn’t bother going tonight and would wait until we needed to go.

The last time my partner forgot his phone he broke down on the way home, is that questionable to you or just unlucky timing?

It won’t happen again because I won’t be doing favours for her again. I bet it would blow your mind if you found out that I actually did chose to get fish fingers when I went to the shop!

There is always one...
Op honestly she's mad utterly mad. She entrusted the children into your care and you did the best.
I would never ever help her out again and tell her why!!