Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Stop me losing it with her!

85 replies

Chanandlerbong01 · 22/01/2021 14:59

Sorry it’s a long one!

My partners ex is difficult- I have seen this with my own eyes over the years and not just from listening to him. It seems to have multiplied today and I don’t know what to do/if I was in the wrong.

My partner and I are both teachers so working from home but in school on a rota - he is in school today. I noticed his phone ringing on his bedside table today after he had left and saw 11 missed calls from his ex so I answered (worried something was wrong with the girls).

Something urgent had come up at her work apparently and she needed to go into an office in a different city (about 60 miles away). She wanted my partner to have the girls - now obviously he couldn’t because he is at work and would be unable to leave, and didn’t have his phone anyway to know about this. I told her I was doing live lessons at home but if they are willing to entertain themselves/do their own schoolwork I’m happy for her to drop them off.

The first reaction was oh can’t you pick them up because I’m rushing, I said no because I have a lesson starting in 15 mins and wouldn’t be back.

She dropped them off and they sat perfectly doing their work in the kitchen. Halfway through my lesson I realised we have no juice or lunch in other than one tin of soup I was going to have. The plan was my partner would do the big shop on his way home and then pick the girls up after ready for us having the girls as normal (he still knows no different).

Now this is where it goes wrong:
I have a free lesson just before lunch, I decided I would throw the girls in the car, drive to the supermarket, leave the girls in the car and me run in and buy juice and lunch for the girls, come home feed them and then go back to my lessons. They are 9 and 10 but very mature. When we got to the supermarket there was a drunk man having an argument with someone in the carpark. As a result I felt uneasy leaving them in the car alone, I can’t lock the car without the alarm going off, I wouldn’t have time to drive elsewhere and get back for my lesson as it is a rural area. I decided to just take them in with me, grab the nearest food and go.

Got home, fed the girls and started my lesson. The eldest then came in with her phone looking very upset saying her mum wanted to speak to me. I had to say no because I was teaching my lesson and couldn’t come away. Within 10 minutes (impressive to say she was 60mile away) she was banging on the door so at this point I had to end my lesson early and go deal with her. She’s told me that I’m irresponsible and put her children in danger which I will never be forgiven for and they will not be returning whilst I am still in this house.

I genuinely do not know what to do! My partner is going to turn up at hers to pick the girls up oblivious to all of this and I don’t know what will happen. We’ve had some issues really and I don’t want anything to cause any extra stress. He will listen to my side and support me but if she doesn’t let the girls come he will have a rubbish weekend not seeing them and I can’t help but feel responsible.

OP posts:
Bollss · 22/01/2021 18:47

She's insane. You did nothing wrong.

AnotherBoredOne · 22/01/2021 18:51

She's crazy

padsi1975 · 22/01/2021 19:33

You sound very nice and very helpful. I would be delighted if someone made the decisions you made for those girls, I'd much rather my kids be brought into a supermarket than left in a carpark. Sorry you got a hard time for being nice!

TheOneLeggedJockey · 22/01/2021 19:43

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I would take a big step back from here on in, and let the mad woman deal directly with the father of her kids.

NanuNanuM · 22/01/2021 19:45

Ah she's bonkers. You are the bigger person putting the girls first.
And don't go explaining your shopping habits on here to MN posters, majority of us also live in a real world and understand.

Santaiscovidfree · 22/01/2021 19:52

Snapchat at 10?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2021 20:02

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone OP. Least of all someone with such an obvious agenda.

No. More. Childcare. Favours. For. The. Mad. Ungrateful. Cow.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

I agree she’s talking out of her arse with threatening to withhold contact. As if she wants them full time when she lies to get someone else to have them for the day Hmm

Original poster
Chanandlerbong01 · 22/01/2021 20:26

The eldest is being unusually cuddly tonight which is sad because she’s not saying anything about what happened but it’s obviously impacted her.

Yes she’s got snapchat but only has us, her Mum and cousins on it.

OP posts:
missrm · 22/01/2021 20:36

If it were me id have sent my kids with lunch boxes prepared so as not to disturb you. What an ungrateful sod she is!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2021 20:54

@missrm

If it were me id have sent my kids with lunch boxes prepared so as not to disturb you. What an ungrateful sod she is!
You sound nice and normal so you wouldn’t have lied in the first place! Wink
Pinkyxx · 22/01/2021 21:12

As a mum who has a child with a step mum I'll just say you sound absolutely lovely. I've read the thread and still can't work out what you did wrong or how you placed the children in danger? You did their Mum a huge favour and that was incredibly kind of you. What sad, selfish and ungrateful behavior. My advice: don't waste your time responding to her nonsense. You can't reason with someone that unreasonable. She's not worth your time.

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 23/01/2021 08:16

@Namechangedforabet

Wow, you're delightful, aren't you?

It's dandy for you that your life runs so smoothly that you never have a few complications in one day. Clearly it's just OP and I who get drunks in supermarket car parks or wandering around town. Also only her and I who have minimal food in the house. Or an ex who's a psycho.

Oh. Wait. No, we're not the only ones. You must just live an incredibly shielded life. Or think that OP's life must be really dull to come on here and make this up.

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/01/2021 08:29

God she sounds like a mad cow and I would never ever do her a favour again either.

And @Namechangedforabet if my DSD came unexpectedly I would pretty much always have to go to the shop because she eats 3 things only, specific brands, and noone else in the house eats them. And actually a LOT of kids are fussy eaters to some extent, and even my other 3 who arent fussy at all wouldn't eat a cobbled together meal of the store cupboard dregs- a bit of soup, the last wizened orange, tin of chopped tomatoes etc etc. I wouldnt fancy it myself and would probably go the shop either way. So stop being ridiculous.

timetest · 23/01/2021 08:54

I’m very impressed that the ex could drive 60 miles in 10 minutes! She was taking advantage of your good nature. Ignore her ranting at you, you did what anyone else would have done in the same circumstances and she owes you an apology.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/01/2021 11:19

I wouldn't have taken them in. Were they masked? If not I can understand the concern tbh. You could have just waited for the big shop. Not worth risking everyone for one meal.

That aside how much do you have them? Is she a single mum working with not much support whilst homeschooling? Maybe cut her some slack

AnxiousSM · 23/01/2021 11:22

She sounds like a typical entitled ex wife. You can never do right. Hopefully you’ll have your husband’s support. Her opinion doesn’t matter.

Meggymoo777 · 23/01/2021 11:23

@Willyoujustbequiet throwing your username back at you here "Will You Just Be Quiet"

I'm a single mum working with not much support... doesn't mean I would be an absolute Ahole to my DSs stepmum 🙄 She was cutting the Mum some slack by going so far out of her way to help her and it was spectacularly thrown back in her face

Littlepaws18 · 23/01/2021 11:29

@Sillysandy

Op please don't waste your energy responding to namechangedforabet. Her replies reveal far more about what sort of a person she is than she realises.

As for the kids' mum, what a nasty piece of work.

Definitely do her no more favours. If you can do that without any response more power to you. It will drive her mad. I do not have that level of restraint and would have to email.

Dear whoever,

I wanted to comment on what happened today to avoid any confusion going forward -

You attempted to phone my husband 11 times. I assumed there must be an emergency so picked up, listened to your concerns and tried to offer support.

Despite me being at work I happily agreed to mind your children. I could not as you requested collect them. I took them to get food on my lunch break and encountered a potentially unsafe situation so I brought them into the shop. This was out of concern for their well-being. I was most surprised at your rude interruption at my front door after unsuccessfully trying to reach me on the phone while I was teaching. I then received a barrage of abuse and threats to not allow the girls be alone in my care again which I think any sane person would agree was completely unwarranted. Frankly I would have expected a sincere thank you for helping you out of a tight spot during my working day. I also don't understand how you were able to get to my house so quickly as you had allegedly left for a long journey.

In light of the accusations abuse, threats and general interruption to my working day I will not be doing you any favours in the future nor will I be dealing with you directly. I will be blocking you here and everywhere. It's a shame, mainly for the kids.

This is a perfect way of putting it!
Original poster
Chanandlerbong01 · 23/01/2021 15:39

@Willyoujustbequiet give it a rest!

Are you honestly suggesting they go from 8am until 6pm when we had tea without a thing to eat or drink? I’m sure that would have gone down brilliantly.

They did have masks on, however the guidelines state under 11s don’t have to wear them anyway.

We have the girls Friday to Sunday and most school holidays. She is a single Mum but as a result of her own behaviour, her parents look after the girls 3 days a week and if you notice from my original post as soon as she asked for help from us she got it. She also has an 18 year old child from a previous relationship that is currently furloughed so could help also during the day.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 23/01/2021 15:41

Meggy

Pmsl at that quip. You should be on the stage.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/01/2021 15:53

Chanandlerbongo

No drink? Tap water is fine.

I only asked. No need to get so defensive. That reaction is quite telling.
It doesnt matter if they dont need to wear masks as a requirement. They still should in the circumstances so I'm glad they did.

For what it's worth you sound like you care and tried to help. In that sense she's been ungrateful. I'm only saying I can perhaps understand an overreaction if she's a single parent. It's a difficult time for everyone.

Meggymoo777 · 23/01/2021 15:54

And you should be somewhere far away from the step parenting board @Willyoujustbequiet - have just seen the response you've posted on another thread on this board today. You've obviously got some chip on your shoulder 🙄

Original poster
Chanandlerbong01 · 23/01/2021 16:03

@Willyoujustbequiet my reaction is telling how? Tap water is fine if they would be willing to drink it, but they aren’t.

I directly answered the questions you asked. I wasn’t being overly defensive, if you didn’t want the answers then you shouldn’t have asked the questions.

Or are you anti-stepparent and I didn’t fit into your narrative? Maybe you would have preferred me to say oh yea I hate his ex, we throw her 3 crumbs a month and see the girls for an hour a year but can’t believe she’s so ungrateful about that.

It is a difficult time for everyone, that includes the people you don’t agree with.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 23/01/2021 16:05

I'm only saying I can perhaps understand an overreaction if she's a single parent. It's a difficult time for everyone.

Nope. Being a single parent isn’t an excuse to be a nasty piece of work, especially when someone has gone out of their way for you when they have their own lives to be getting on with.
I’m a single parent and I would not dream of behaving like that and to be honest I’d fully expect to be to told where to go.

SionnachRua · 23/01/2021 16:11

Or are you anti-stepparent and I didn’t fit into your narrative? Maybe you would have preferred me to say oh yea I hate his ex, we throw her 3 crumbs a month and see the girls for an hour a year but can’t believe she’s so ungrateful about that.

Nail on head. Don't mind that poster OP, they seem to be in every thread on this board getting the boot into step parents. You could feed the five thousand with all the chips on that shoulder.