Stop me losing it with her!

[Chanandlerbong01]

Sorry it’s a long one!

My partners ex is difficult- I have seen this with my own eyes over the years and not just from listening to him. It seems to have multiplied today and I don’t know what to do/if I was in the wrong.

My partner and I are both teachers so working from home but in school on a rota - he is in school today. I noticed his phone ringing on his bedside table today after he had left and saw 11 missed calls from his ex so I answered (worried something was wrong with the girls).

Something urgent had come up at her work apparently and she needed to go into an office in a different city (about 60 miles away). She wanted my partner to have the girls - now obviously he couldn’t because he is at work and would be unable to leave, and didn’t have his phone anyway to know about this. I told her I was doing live lessons at home but if they are willing to entertain themselves/do their own schoolwork I’m happy for her to drop them off.

The first reaction was oh can’t you pick them up because I’m rushing, I said no because I have a lesson starting in 15 mins and wouldn’t be back.

She dropped them off and they sat perfectly doing their work in the kitchen. Halfway through my lesson I realised we have no juice or lunch in other than one tin of soup I was going to have. The plan was my partner would do the big shop on his way home and then pick the girls up after ready for us having the girls as normal (he still knows no different).

Now this is where it goes wrong:
I have a free lesson just before lunch, I decided I would throw the girls in the car, drive to the supermarket, leave the girls in the car and me run in and buy juice and lunch for the girls, come home feed them and then go back to my lessons. They are 9 and 10 but very mature. When we got to the supermarket there was a drunk man having an argument with someone in the carpark. As a result I felt uneasy leaving them in the car alone, I can’t lock the car without the alarm going off, I wouldn’t have time to drive elsewhere and get back for my lesson as it is a rural area. I decided to just take them in with me, grab the nearest food and go.

Got home, fed the girls and started my lesson. The eldest then came in with her phone looking very upset saying her mum wanted to speak to me. I had to say no because I was teaching my lesson and couldn’t come away. Within 10 minutes (impressive to say she was 60mile away) she was banging on the door so at this point I had to end my lesson early and go deal with her. She’s told me that I’m irresponsible and put her children in danger which I will never be forgiven for and they will not be returning whilst I am still in this house.

I genuinely do not know what to do! My partner is going to turn up at hers to pick the girls up oblivious to all of this and I don’t know what will happen. We’ve had some issues really and I don’t want anything to cause any extra stress. He will listen to my side and support me but if she doesn’t let the girls come he will have a rubbish weekend not seeing them and I can’t help but feel responsible.

You and your partner have handled this very well. Poor kids being stuck in the middle because of her ridiculous behaviour!

But surprised that given both you a DH have decent jobs and money coming in that the only food you had in the entire house was 1 tin of soup. No other tins, no bread, no veggies or eggs lurking in the fridge or nothing in the freezer that you could defrost? The girls could have just drunk water and had whatever you had in the house for lunch.

Oh my god. We’ve all been there where we get behind on the food shop. Maybe they were using everything up and then doing the food shop tonight? Lots of people do that.

The dsc’s weren’t meant to be there today so technically they didn’t need to make sure they had anything in for them “just in case”. So to judge the op for not having food in for them is a bit ridiculous.
And as for the girls having op’s lunch, maybe the op was hungry herself? She needs to make sure she’s on top form for her job and personally, being hungry always knocks my concentration which it does for a lot of people.

Look, the op did the ex a FAVOUR. She didn’t have to, but she did. And the last thing I got from her post was how much she had in her cupboards But clearly that bothers you more than the actual problem of the thread and that’s the ex’s completely ungrateful overreaction.

Op- if the ex doesn’t want to leave the girls with you anymore then so be it. If she wants to cut her nose off to spite her face than at least it won’t fall on to you anymore. She’s being so hysterical it’s unreal.

@Namechangedforabet

But surprised that given both you a DH have decent jobs and money coming in that the only food you had in the entire house was 1 tin of soup. No other tins, no bread, no veggies or eggs lurking in the fridge or nothing in the freezer that you could defrost? The girls could have just drunk water and had whatever you had in the house for lunch. Ex does sound a bit dramatic but what bad timing it was, DH had left his phone at home and was going to do the big shop that very night. Did you really need to race to a shop in between lessons it seems unnecessarily stressful. Get DH to buy a pack of fish fingers and frozen veg to keep in the freezer when he does the shopping just in case it happens again.

My DH and I have good jobs, but some days we will have nothing bar what's sorted for our own tea to eat in the house, nothing you could rustle up a decent lunch for an addental person anyway. We have weeks where we try and use up everything n the fridge/pantry before going out shopping for food again. So some afternoons it's a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea for lunch.

You did nothing wrong. You were being kind by saying they could come over in the first place! Ignore the poster whi doesn't believe people can have bare cupboards.... ours are always bare before a food shop. In fact, right now I have one carrot, 1 yogurt and half an onion in the fridge. Our food shop is today too!

You behaved well OP.

For the future your new boundary is that you are unable to do childcare for her in any circumstances.

This means the next time she tries to pull that stunt you simply say you are not available to help and not give a reason.

Next time I would say DH is at work and hasn't got his phone. Then put the phone down and not answer it if she calls you.

I'd not do her a favour ever again.

But then I can hold grudges.

You are very very reasonable and kind and she is very unreasonable. She'll soon change her mind next time she wants childcare. Best not to engage and let your dh deal with her. Don't give her the satisfaction of rising to it.
The girls sound lovely and you were kind to offer to help her out and did nothing wrong. I bet she'll be embarrassed to have to ask you next time she wants childcare. If she tries to ask via your dh tell him to pass her to you to ask

You didn't put them at risk! Leaving them in the car would have been at risk. You did the right thing.

My worry would be what the girls said. Get to the bottom of that first. But the ex's reaction was totally unnecessary.

I would say to her, you placed your children's my care as an emergency. Even though I had to work I went out of my way to care for your children. I made appropriate decisions so they could be fed and children under the age of ten should not be left in the car according to the government. I made appropriate decisions and did not put your children at risk. If you have an issue with my care I am willing to discuss but I do not appreciate being called over and then coming over to my home in a volatile manner. You behaviour was not only unacceptable but showed your daughters how not to solve a problem. In future I suggest you stick to the contact agreement and if you can't then find someone in your family to solve your problem as we will not be offering that service in future.

Put her in her box.

Oh and her choice to leave them in the car, was against government guidelines and completely and utterly unsafe. Tell her that too.

Or get your partner to make a stand. Otherwise she will do it again.

That would be it for me.
It’s obvious the childcare /emergency work was a big fat lie - and you should call her out on it if you get the chance.

If she’s got a boyfriend she probably wanted a bit of time to get ready or to set off earlier than planned if she had to wait for your dh to collect them.

So there would be no favours, no childcare, pick ups, drop offs etc from you.

For all the posters having a go at me, actually Op says they were expecting the girls later that day the OP’s DH was in fact picking them up, or thought he was which is why OP was going to wait near the ex’s house to waylay him to explain what had happened.
Surely if you have DSD’s who could end up at your house at any time you would have emergency supplies in?
But it seems that I am the unreasonable one and that it was a day that OP really didn’t have food in and given that this is a regular thing didn’t think to say to the ex okay I’ll have the girls but I have nothing in for them so you’ll have to bring some lunch for them with you, also a day that DH forgot his phone, and there was drama in the supermarket car park, and OP had to stop teaching cause of mad ex. Also it was one of the few nights that Op and her DH were not having to work til 10/ 11 at night so her DH could go and do a big shop so that there was food for the evening meal.
I apologise for doubting you OP..

I have one friend on minimum wage single mum with benefit top ups she always has spare food in just in case anything goes wrong with her benefits and has to be really frugal to do this, I have another who both her and husband are really high earners they never have anything in the house because they were used to shopping daily on their way home from work, going out or getting a takeaway, they really struggled for ages with meal planning, buying stuff in advance to be able to actually make a meal rather than just random stuff. They work long hours, still do like OP and her husband and find it really hard to change their ways, sometimes when I speak to her they are having to do an emergency shop cos there is nothing left in the house, so please do not judge people on the fact they had no food left.

OMG Dude. You did nothing but the best for your SDs!!!

This woman is crazy. Just mental, Seriously. That's unfortunately one of the reasons why I don;t do my husband's ex ANY FAVOR OF ANY KIND and it's like I don't even exist. We do not communicate, we do not see each other at all.
I love my step daughters, but honestly, I think in the end of the day, it's also about your mental health!
Say no! Do not be afraid of standing up for yourself. This is unacceptable. Not being grateful for what you've done for kids that AREN'T YOURS.

F^%* That! Seriously!
Sending you love!

@Namechangedforabet we do a big shop every Friday before picking up the girls, we do this because we need more food in for the weekend because there is twice as many people in the house for the weekend and it makes sense to buy it fresh before they come rather than having it sat around.

He usually messages them asking what they want for tea on the night before going to the supermarket because they are picky eaters - even when I spoke to him on the phone earlier he said he would do this as usual.... it wasn’t until he got in just now he pointed out that even though he said he would do it after getting off the phone to me he couldn’t because his phone was at home! It didn’t even cross my mind. That’s how unusual forgetting his phone is.

It’s not coincidence that we don’t work until 10/11 on Friday nights, it’s planned like that because he only gets the girls two nights a week. We work late Sunday - Thursday so we can do nice things with the girls.

It isn’t a regular thing for her to drop the girls off like this either, it’s never happened before other than when she had an op a couple of years ago.

On another note, they’ve just got here! She didn’t say a thing when he picked them up. He asked in the car and his eldest had put a picture on Snapchat of her lunch and her Mum commented that it looked delicious and the eldest then rang her to tell her about the man in the carpark and then it all blew up from there. Maybe the not saying anything shows she knows she was out of order.

How is he texting his eldest before leaving work if he left his phone at home?

I honestly wouldn't waste any more of your energy responding to @Namechangedforabet 🙄 So glad to hear you and the girls are all good, still think that CF needs to be put in her box after her despicable behaviour but I hope you all relax now and have a lovely weekend together x

@Namechangedforabet are you actually for real???
People shop/store food in different ways & keeping a fully stocked pantry all week when you're working is virtually impossible.
Of all the things in this posts THIS is what you're fixating on???

@LittleRa he couldn’t! He said on the phone he was going to but then when he got in pointed out he couldn’t. It didn’t even cross my mind when he was on the phone to me that he couldn’t do it even though his phone was on the arm of the chair next to me.

@LittleRa its explained in the last update.

[quote supercee]@LittleRa its explained in the last update. [/quote]
Saw that after I asked, thank you

I can't believe people are trying to pick holes in your story. How weird.

Look, the stepmum is as mad as a bag of spanners, you don't need us to tell you that. No doubt the girls appreciate you two being a steady, stable presence in their lives. I'd also want to see her put back in her box and it would be good for you mentally too (or it would be for me).

Also just to clarify, that comment isn't aimed at you LittleRa Because reading it back I see how it might be taken that way!

Op please don't waste your energy responding to namechangedforabet. Her replies reveal far more about what sort of a person she is than she realises.

As for the kids' mum, what a nasty piece of work.

Definitely do her no more favours. If you can do that without any response more power to you. It will drive her mad. I do not have that level of restraint and would have to email.

Dear whoever,

I wanted to comment on what happened today to avoid any confusion going forward -

You attempted to phone my husband 11 times. I assumed there must be an emergency so picked up, listened to your concerns and tried to offer support.

Despite me being at work I happily agreed to mind your children. I could not as you requested collect them. I took them to get food on my lunch break and encountered a potentially unsafe situation so I brought them into the shop. This was out of concern for their well-being. I was most surprised at your rude interruption at my front door after unsuccessfully trying to reach me on the phone while I was teaching. I then received a barrage of abuse and threats to not allow the girls be alone in my care again which I think any sane person would agree was completely unwarranted. Frankly I would have expected a sincere thank you for helping you out of a tight spot during my working day. I also don't understand how you were able to get to my house so quickly as you had allegedly left for a long journey.

In light of the accusations abuse, threats and general interruption to my working day I will not be doing you any favours in the future nor will I be dealing with you directly. I will be blocking you here and everywhere. It's a shame, mainly for the kids.

@Sillysandy yeah this basically. I would disengage from her. She’s rude and demanding. You were doing her a favour but that appears to have been overlooked

@Berthatydfil

That would be it for me. It’s obvious the childcare /emergency work was a big fat lie - and you should call her out on it if you get the chance. If she’s got a boyfriend she probably wanted a bit of time to get ready or to set off earlier than planned if she had to wait for your dh to collect them.

So there would be no favours, no childcare, pick ups, drop offs etc from you.

I agree with this.

You did the right thing and her behaviour is ridiculous. It also seems like she lied about her need to be in work. Next time, just say no.

Don’t give her (or the food police) another thought.