Stop me losing it with her!

[Chanandlerbong01]

Sorry it’s a long one!

My partners ex is difficult- I have seen this with my own eyes over the years and not just from listening to him. It seems to have multiplied today and I don’t know what to do/if I was in the wrong.

My partner and I are both teachers so working from home but in school on a rota - he is in school today. I noticed his phone ringing on his bedside table today after he had left and saw 11 missed calls from his ex so I answered (worried something was wrong with the girls).

Something urgent had come up at her work apparently and she needed to go into an office in a different city (about 60 miles away). She wanted my partner to have the girls - now obviously he couldn’t because he is at work and would be unable to leave, and didn’t have his phone anyway to know about this. I told her I was doing live lessons at home but if they are willing to entertain themselves/do their own schoolwork I’m happy for her to drop them off.

The first reaction was oh can’t you pick them up because I’m rushing, I said no because I have a lesson starting in 15 mins and wouldn’t be back.

She dropped them off and they sat perfectly doing their work in the kitchen. Halfway through my lesson I realised we have no juice or lunch in other than one tin of soup I was going to have. The plan was my partner would do the big shop on his way home and then pick the girls up after ready for us having the girls as normal (he still knows no different).

Now this is where it goes wrong:
I have a free lesson just before lunch, I decided I would throw the girls in the car, drive to the supermarket, leave the girls in the car and me run in and buy juice and lunch for the girls, come home feed them and then go back to my lessons. They are 9 and 10 but very mature. When we got to the supermarket there was a drunk man having an argument with someone in the carpark. As a result I felt uneasy leaving them in the car alone, I can’t lock the car without the alarm going off, I wouldn’t have time to drive elsewhere and get back for my lesson as it is a rural area. I decided to just take them in with me, grab the nearest food and go.

Got home, fed the girls and started my lesson. The eldest then came in with her phone looking very upset saying her mum wanted to speak to me. I had to say no because I was teaching my lesson and couldn’t come away. Within 10 minutes (impressive to say she was 60mile away) she was banging on the door so at this point I had to end my lesson early and go deal with her. She’s told me that I’m irresponsible and put her children in danger which I will never be forgiven for and they will not be returning whilst I am still in this house.

I genuinely do not know what to do! My partner is going to turn up at hers to pick the girls up oblivious to all of this and I don’t know what will happen. We’ve had some issues really and I don’t want anything to cause any extra stress. He will listen to my side and support me but if she doesn’t let the girls come he will have a rubbish weekend not seeing them and I can’t help but feel responsible.

OP your a doormat. If you don’t start putting your foot down now you’ll destined to be this women’s doormat your whole life.

I have to say, I'd never, ever rely on xh's current dp for childcare, as she's a total space cadet. Nice enough - I knew her slightly when xh & I were together - but I wouldn't leave her in charge of a goldfish.

My dc are teens so this isn't a problem, but if she'd been around when they were small I'd have had to be pretty bloody desperate to ask her for childcare, & if some massive calamity meant that I had to, I would have dropped them off with packed lunches.

If xh had a nice, sensible partner & I'd had to ask her to look after my dc as a last resort, tbh I'd be enormously grateful that she'd put herself out & I certainly wouldn't be quibbling about how she chose to feed them.

I think your recourse is to breezily ignore, & if you're asked again, 'No, sorry, I'm at work & I can't help'. Otherwise, ignore.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys. You offered to help once, she wasn't happy, so she can just scratch you off her list of people she's happy to ask to mind her dc, can't she.

You went so far out of your way to help and got that response as a thank you??? I certainly wouldn't be doing it again if I were you. Next time she calls when in a similar situation, I'd tell her I was at work, so unable to help, and put down the phone.

@Chanandlerbong01 you know by now that you did absolutely nothing wrong.

She'll probably think twice about asking you to do favours again but I hope if she does you'll tell her to fuck right off!

Is she normally this unhinged or is this lockdown nuttiness??

I think all you can do is ignore it, and be very formal with her going forward. I’m sure your DP is right and the girls will be coming back to you this weekend as normal.

@partyatthepalace I’ve heard stories of her being unhinged from my partners relatives and witnessed lower level stuff with my partner but I’ve never been at the receiving end and it took me massively by surprise. I think I was so upset because I would never do anything to hurt the girls and I was worried my partner would turn up clueless and be sent away without them which would devastate him.

I won’t have them in future if she ever asks and I will say why. I’m not a mug I was just completely blindsided yesterday, both girls have been acting completely normal today so I think they aren’t affected by it.

Chandler

Again you seem to be overly defensive. I'm not sure why given the fact that I went on to say she was ungrateful and that you cared. I'm perplexed that you suggest I have a narrative. You posted a thread and take issue when someone asked questions rather immediately take your side. If that's all you wanted a not a broader perspective then don't post.

Being a single parent isn't an excuse for bad behaviour no. But as I said times are difficult, people are worried and on edge. Many are at the end of their tether. Try not to take her actions too much to heart.

Being a single parent isn't an excuse for bad behaviour no. But as I said times are difficult, people are worried and on edge. Many are at the end of their tether. Try not to take her actions too much to heart.

I don’t think it’s something the op will go forgiving and forgetting in a hurry. It’s obviously bothered her enough that she won’t be doing the ex any favours again, and who can blame her? Like you say, everyone is under pressure at the moment. The op is a teacher and that’s a stressful job at the best of times. But now with lockdown it’s really ramped up a level. The last thing the op needs is the ex causing a load of unnecessary stress for her. Hi

Ignore the Hi on the end of that post No idea how that got there!

@Namechangedforabet

But surprised that given both you a DH have decent jobs and money coming in that the only food you had in the entire house was 1 tin of soup. No other tins, no bread, no veggies or eggs lurking in the fridge or nothing in the freezer that you could defrost? The girls could have just drunk water and had whatever you had in the house for lunch. Ex does sound a bit dramatic but what bad timing it was, DH had left his phone at home and was going to do the big shop that very night. Did you really need to race to a shop in between lessons it seems unnecessarily stressful. Get DH to buy a pack of fish fingers and frozen veg to keep in the freezer when he does the shopping just in case it happens again.

Goodness me, there's always one poster determined to shift the blame to the SM isn't there