Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

Let’s think
Older one fees are court ordered and at a crucial part of their education. Changing setting would be disastrous for them due to settings teach the curriculum at different times. He needs stability to be able to do the A levels.

Younger child just starting their education.

It’s not like the court situation happened yesterday. There’s been a lot of time that this could have discussed both long and short term.

@AiryFairyMum

If you were struggling, why did you put your DD in private preschool?

This! Rented house, no car or holidays and sending a 4 year old to a private school. Totally bonkers.

so I assume others have already suggested speaking to the school. They might well have a hardship fund for example

This is usually for families who have had a significant reversal.

Not for one which chose, only a few months ago, to take on a further set of school fees.

Bottom line is that not everyone can afford school fees. DH must not break a court order (that could come back and bite him very badly, as OP's presumption that the money isn't there is not true - OK reception fees are likely to be lower than Sixth Form fees but wouid form the basis of a payment plan to meet his legal obligations to the older DC)

@DecemberSun definitely not first wives club here. Stepmum of a 9 year old. I just think it's grossly unfair to pull a 17 year old out at this stage of his education. OP knew the deal when she married DH and had a child with him. Yes circumstances change but absolutely every other change must be made before pulling out the 17 year old.

Final year is more important than the Reception year. Have you thought about the relationship you're going to have with your DSS after you pull him out from school in his final year? Have you thought it may damage your relationship with your DH as well?

@AiryFairyMum

If you were struggling, why did you put your DD in private preschool?

So that her kid wouldn't be the only one not in private school?

I think in this instance if it is viable to send your SS to private for the next 18 months then that would be ideal - it could be disruptive to move him mid way through his A Levels. Then once he's finished focus on getting your young one through it - again if you can afford it

I would have totally agreed with the fairness aspect - my parents sent my DB to private school and I stayed in state (single sex school), there was only one school year between us and tbh it sucked. I felt like I just wasn't good enough for them. However in your case I'd say the age difference is the important part, but don't beat yourself up if you can't do it. My DS is year 12 and he'd understand if we had to change his college, I would just only do it if there's no other option

Hope you get it sorted

I kind of feel that your dd is in private at least partly because It's Expected.
But the age gap between dss and dd is such that they will never compare their experiences, and of course your dd is nothing to do with the Ex's children from her new relationship.
Put her into the best state you can find for key stage 1 and 2, which gives you a few years to get dss launched off into his own life, and get yourselves onto a more stable financial footing.
Plus never being able to afford a family holiday sounds blimming grim. Go state and take some time to play on a sunny beach with your dd while she's young enough to enjoy it.

It sounds a bit to me like you got together with him and assumed you would have the same lifestyle with him as he had with his first wife, inc the private schools.

And now the reality is hitting home: a divorced man has preexisting financial responsibilities that impact his new family. (Although to be fair you would have to be a bit thick if you didn't know that going into this relationship.)

It's a bitter pill to swallow, but your child will not be able to have the same education as the child from the first marriage. It may not be 'fair', but it is definitely right that the older child stays at the private school and the younger child sadly doesn't get that opportunity.

I think you need to accept that private schools aren't part of your lifestyle, regardless of the fact it was for his first wife.

It would be really mean and disruptive to take DSS out of school now. He’d be separated from his friends and any new school he goes to may have a different syllabus or be covering the syllabus in a different order. It would be hugely damaging to his education and quite possibly his mental health. Kids at that stage have been through such a lot already with lockdown.

Your DC wouldn’t be “suffering” if they went to an ordinary primary school. Imagine how DSS would feel if you sacrificed his education just so you can pamper your DC. Please don’t.

I was made to move halfway through my A levels, when my parents suddenly decided to move county after 33 years. My position was grim as not only having to try and fit in with a year that already had its own friendship groups I was bullied by some of the boys and a couple of the teachers too. I felt like I was a target and looking back I do think it had to do with “no loved and protected child has this happen to them unless there are exceptional circumstances so...”

It was very challenging as I had to live in lodgings but the hard and frightening bit was school. I had nightmares and although I was never going to head up Ernst and Young or be a Vice-Chancellor it did affect me considerably. I just scraped passes in two subjects and had a choice of one university, one course only (long dull story will not bore you all with details). One of the teachers had simply given up as he had inherited a couple of million - you don’t know what the quality of teaching might be across your son’s subjects. We had to learn on our own for his classes.

A very difficult set of decisions for you to have to make, I do see that. If I could have stayed at home and had a tutor say 10 hours a week, teaching myself for the rest, I think I would have done better.

[quote MadameBlobby]@lyralalala well if they couldn’t afford either they’d have no option but to pull him out and have him schooled elsewhere. As it is if they can afford one they need to prioritise him.

The whole thing is ridiculous though, a court order to keep the kid in private school which the dad has to pay whilst the mother sits on her fat arse doing fuck all.[/quote]
Wow how come the boy’s mother is “sitting on her fat arse” but not the OP? It seems that neither of the women work and both are relying on their husbands to fund expensive private education for their children.

The difference between the boy’s mother and the OP is that a court decided that the OP’s DH was better placed to pay the school fees than her and put arrangements in place to ensure that would happen. She’s entitled to rely on that. The OP on the other hand seemingly decided to send her child to private school despite knowing that they couldn’t really afford it, and now wants to punish her stepchild for that decision.

Hi OP. I’m a mum and a step mum here. All in private which is mostly funded by my salary. I jumped on this thread ready to tell you to pull him out, but based on his age I would make the financial sacrifices and send him in.
As for your younger one, I am planning on taking her out of private when the two DSC finish school. I will take a less hectic job and start sleeping again. Maybe move to the seaside.
Anyhoo, I get you and understand but changing so late could have a lasting impacts.

Your child shouldn't be in private school of you can't afford it. How stupid.
Your husband will have to go to court to challenge stopping his DS's school fees. That would be a really shitty thing to do. Unbelievable.

@changedmynamelol

I'm sure both children would be fine in a normal school. Aren't A levels cancelled anyway with a grading system in place?

Only for current year 13's

Has your financial situation changed all of a sudden for you to say you need to take him out of school? If not, then surely this will have been on your mind for a while? So why now are you questioning taking him out of school at such a crucial stage? It is incredibly unfair to him, this should have been discussed between your DH and his ex wife long before now. Has your DH not spoken to his ex about how your SS education to university is going to be funded?
Why did you decide to send your child to private education? Did you realise you couldn’t afford it straight away? Or was it a case of SS goes to private education so my child is going to private education?
Is it just you who’s saying this or is your DH saying you can’t afford it too?

Taking him out and keeping your DC in private education will create a resentment and more likely damage the relationship between your DSS and his dad.

It will need to go back to court for your DH to stop paying for his son to go to private school, that’s going to take money in itself. If a judge hears that you can afford to send one child but not the other, the judge will probably say your SS will have to remain in private school.

Your husband needs to speak to his ex wife and lay his cards on the table and say he can’t afford this and she needs to help and if that means she needs to get a job then she needs to get a job.
If things are that bad financially, get your husband and his ex to speak to the school.

I hope you find a way to sort this and if you do, don’t send your child to private education if you really can’t afford it. If a child wants to learn they will learn whether they are state or privately educated.

Just seen the First wives' club out in force today comment.

I'm not a first wife either, but my reply might give that impression. I think it's more about common sense prevailing here.

I do get its really crap for the OP, but I think this is really one of those it is what it is cases.

You shouldn't pull a student out of ANY school at that late stage. Blimey. Don't all the grown ups talk?
You're living way beyond your means. Your youngest doesn't need to be in pre prep fgs.
Sorry to be harsh but you all need to get off the keeping up with the joneses bandwagon.

Oh did not expect this thread to blow up Just trying to catch up on messages now.

It hasn't always been like this for us, once upon a time there was enough money to go around for everyone but that's now no longer the case after a business loss a few years back where we lost everything (inc. our house) and we are rebuilding our finances from zero. We keep thinking "this will be our year" "we can make it work this year if we just cut back on xyz" but unfortunately it's not the way our cards were dealt.

DH really doesn't want to take his son out of a school he loves and that means we have to continue making sacrifices and compromising our lifestyle (we already haven't been on holiday for over 4 years), whilst ExW continues to live comfortably, she didn't have to sell her car, or not have time off/holiday etc. (Yes I'm bitter!) So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again 🤞🏼

Do you pay all the fees under the court order? If so would you qualify for a bursary?

you really can't pull DSS out for his final year of A Levels and between you all you need to come up with the money to cover it. Also speak to the school and see if they can help

This is not about being fair to the children, it's about keeping a 17 year old in school to finish his A levels. Totally different to a 5 year old starting school.

I'm also a second wife.
When you decide to send kids to private school you make a long term commitment to pay their fees. In this case OP married a man who had made that commitment for his DS education, and the court order reinforces that commitment.
All future financial decisions must take that commitment into account.
If you can't afford two sets of fees just now then you can't afford to send the younger one private. That's just the way it is, regardless of whether your DC is the only one in the extended family not to go. Once DSS has finished education (and he will still need financial support at university) you may be in a position to send your DC to private secondary if you still want to do that.

And please don't involve DSS in this as pp has suggested, he may be nearly an adult but this is not a mess of his making and he doesn't need guilt hanging over him.

Sorry OP but it is just one more year. Talk to his exW but failing that, you have to just get on with it.

I'm sorry for your situation OP and it's totally understandable why you're feeling bitter about this. Also some of the replies that you got here were quite judgemental and not entirely fair on you given your hard situation. Hope that your situation will get better soon