Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

As others have said, you cannot pull an A level student out of their school.
You said you can afford to send one child, but you have struggled in the last few years. Is this because you finished work or reduced hours to have your child? Obviously perfectly reasonable but important as you also mentioned that the ex does not work. Do you work op?
It will be seen to your SS that your DH was willing and able to fund his education until his second child came along. What happens when he needs money for uni?
I am also wondering if the school fees are in addition to maintenance, or instead of? If the agreement is now unaffordable then you need to go back to court, although I imagine it would be cheaper to carry on status quo.
I think he is going to have to bite the bullet and continue to pay for the eldest as this is his commitment. Going forward though, if you cannot afford to buy a house you cannot afford private school for your youngest child.

Sorry but with the lifestyle you’ve explained you have; renting a house, no holidays, I am struggling to understand why on earth you would’ve sent your child to pre-prep which is really unnecessary. I get you probably feel that because you’re DHs older child went private, yours deserves too as well but it makes absolutely no sense when you clearly can’t afford it. Give your child a good life with plenty of experiences and a good state education.

Of you can afford to send one and your youngest is pre prep age can't you give your stepson his final year and then use that money to pay for prep for your youngest when your stepson has finished?

Sorry OP not meaning to be judgmental. But honestly I think you all need some tough talk and a good shake. There is no sugaring of this.
And yes don't give DSS the responsibility of making choices. That slice of students have plenty else on their plates and none of this is his doing

I think you should try to keep your son in private school if you can. Although his mother doesn’t work she is still his parents and as a step father surely he has some responsibility too. I would definitely approach them about it. Does ex wife know the situation?

Given the potential for next year’s a level grades to be based at least in part on teacher assessment again, it would be grotesquely selfish to pull dss out of school now, particularly with the potential of paying it in legal fees when the court order which your husband is a party to is challenged. This year, I’d any years, makes your idea worse than it would be at any other time. In any case, schools cover the syllabus different and at different times; to move within a levels would likely mean him having to repeat a year. To put him through that so your 4 year old can read Biff, Chip and Kipper in a straw boater would be appalling. I wasted a fortune on private fees for the under 7s and would not recommend it to anyone. For your Dss, it would be cruel to move him now.
So your husband’s ex married a rich man. He still has obligations.
If you really feel the need for the straw boater, get a job that means you can earn enough to cover it by yourself.

Yr 12 funny year - keep him there.

Reception not so important IMO so take out and return to private when you can if needed. What's your local primary provision like?

OP I really do sympathise but I agree with the others that it seems crazy that you are sending your child to a private pre prep and presumably were planning on sending them to prep when you can't afford your step sons fees. To take a child out in year 12 would be exceptionally cruel and detrimental to their education. For your child not to go to private primary really won't matter and I say that as a mum of kids at prep! I know that it doesn't make that much difference educationally but is great for the other opportunities.

I would definitely investigate bursaries through the school, especially if your SS is a good student they will not want to lose him. If you were going to pull him out it needed to be done so that he could start sixth form at a new school, not moved half way through.

• prioritise A-levels over reception. This shoudl be an easy one
• Why does the mother have no responsibilities if they're now living with a new partner? Can you discuss maybe a split arrangement - maybe you can't individually afford to support for the final 18 months, but between you maybe you could?

worst comes to the worst, surely a court order can't mandate paying for something if things change years later and you can no longer afford it?

It sounds like you're in a very difficult position and having prioritised private education over holidays and a bigger house myself in the past I do understand the dilemma you're in.

Whatever the rights or wrongs of who should ideally be paying or what their financial situation is you need to take practical action and your first port of call if you're in difficulties should be the school. If they know that it's only a couple of terms left then I'm sure your dss's school will look favourably on a bursary. Also they may be able to use any deposit you paid as part payment for what remains.

The process of applying for a bursary can be quite financially rigorous but it sounds like you'd qualify from what you're saying and bursars are used to dealing with sensitive financial situations.

If I was you I would speak to both schools because they may be able to help with your daughter's fees if they know that's only for a year as well and then they have her for another 6 years at full fees.

Most bursaries you need to reapply yearly so if your financial situation doesn't change in a year then you can ask them to continue.

Please don't take drastic action until you've spoken to them, I'm sure between both schools you'll be able to come up with an arrangement that means that you will at least have breathing space to the end of this school year and then be able to reassess.

The more I think about this thread the more shocked I am that you've given serious consideration to pulling a year 12 child out of private education because for some reason you think it's more fair on your 5 year old. Go back and think sensibly about this! Your 5 year old can go to a local primary school and if finances improve can go back into private school (or not). A 6th former who has started their A levels cannot be compared to a reception child.

Do you really think it's fair to move this year 12 child to a school with a different sylllabus, where he has no friends, whilst he is happy and where the teachers don't know him in order to be fair to a 5 year old?

Seriously, get a grip. who move for 6th form need to hit the ground running as they have a very short amount of time to settle and crack on with their work, You could do him lasting damage by moving him.

I'm school but given the son is Y12 I can not for the life of me fathom why you are considering pulling him out. Especially when you have a court order.

You have a commitment to him which needs to be seen through.

Your problem is you want to send your daughter to a private school and you can't afford to. But you don't want to see it like that because you see your step son as lesser than your daughter. Unfortunately your daughter is not your husband's EXW to sub and she has NO obligation to her whereas you DO have an obligation to your step son through an agreement.

If I were the EX I'd be telling you where to go firmly if you said you wanted to pull the son but then put the daughter into private education.

The daughter will have to wait. Its that simple.

I just went back to your OP and saw

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

Then the solution is obvious - just pay for one at a time - state till 8 for your DD, while DSS finishes up his A-levels. No need to move house!

pulling a kid out of his school in y12 is just cruel and will set him up for failure.
this decision should have been made pre sixth form.

having let it go this far, the adults need to work out a way , together, to keep it going until the end of y13

It would be totally, utterly wrong to make DSS leave his school now in the middle of A levels and with all the disruption they have had and continue to have whilst continuing to pay for private school for your reception aged DC. I appreciate things are tough, but you need to explore every possible avenue to allow him to finish 6th form at his school.

I hope your situations gets better but when the shit hit the fan a few years ago with the business and you lost your house, THAT was the time to have the conversation about taking DSS out of private education.

I really hope your business takes off again x

I think it's important that the older boy finishes his education where he is. Where a 5 year old child goes is less important. The local Landed Gentry families in my area would start their children in the village primary school and move them into a prep school for year 3.

If this thread is actually real, it's only funding one more year for your DSS who is at a critical point in his education. your very young child will not be affected in any way by a year at state school. Your priorities are clearly not right here. Do the right thing. It's a small sacrifice on your part, but it would be a huge sacrifice on his part if you pull him out at a critical time.

I remain curious as to whether OP has a job

I haven’t read the full thread but I agree with the majority of the posts that I did read in as much as it’s a bad time to move your DSS.

Why, given your financial position, did you enrol you’re child in private school? It does seem that you’re willing to make sacrifices for your own child but not your husband’s child?

@Theonethatgotawayawayaway

I’m sorry but your DC is very young and is only in reception, a public school will benefit him just as much. Your partners older child is in his final year and I think it’s quite unfair to expect his education to be compared to that of a 4 year old, both of them having an education is obviously important, but if the older child is disrupted now it will have a massive impact on whether he attends university or not. Your DS will be fine in a public school.

This. It's a terrible idea to disrupt DSS's education at such a crucial point. Reception is pretty much the same anywhere, your DC won't suffer if you have to move them. You say you want to treat them equally, but their circumstances aren't the same - it's very unequal to compare a 17 year old during A-levels with a 4 year old in Reception.

Your DH should be paying for DSS to finish his education at his current school.

'So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again 🤞🏼*'.
*
Yes, this is exactly what you must do.

Why, when things have been so precarious for a while, did you chose to send your young child to a private school? Seems like you’re dead set on continuing the same financial struggles for another 13+ years.

Once your DSS has finished school, would it not make more sense to prioritise saving for a mortgage rather than throwing money away on private school fees?

I'm trying to figure out if you're saying in order to keep sending him you would have to downsize, move area and sell your car, even if your own DC wasn't going to private school.

I agree with the others I would prioritize sending DSS over a young child if that was the question, as it is an absolutely crucial time in hos education and moving him would be highly disruptive in the way it wouldn't for a young child. That's just being fair and pragmatic.

However if you're saying that the above is the level of financial strife it will put the family in just to continue paying his fees, then I would say that sadly you need to stop paying for either of them to go and focus on affording day to day life.

Leave DSS in his school.

Talk to the school. Talk to the school and for a 3rd time, talk to the school! I'm certain you'd be able to work something out with them for DSS last year.

Why should he be punished for his parents' failings?

I don't know what kind of business your DH has but there comes a point when it's time to let go.

You'd both be much better off going back to full-time employment than to keep nursing his fantasy of a profitable business.
Especially after him already losing everything once before!

This is probably the reason his first wife got rid of him.
This is the reason why you're struggling and don't own your own home.

Your child won't suffer from having to attending public pre-school.

Your DSS will suffer if you pull him out during the last year.

Time for a serious talk with your DH.