Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

If your DC is at pre prep you should pull them out so he can finish his education and then send your DC

Your daughter will not “suffer” by not going to a private school fgs.

Neither will the SS but he’s at a more important stage of schooling than your daughter so if you can only afford one lot of fees it should be him.

I would keep him in. It could disrupt his entire future at a critical time and he might resent both of you forever. My son went to a state junior and a pretty good private secondary and was well towards the middle of the secondary school, so you may well be able to send your children to private secondary and get all the benefit by saving up before they get to that stage.

Seriously don't pull him out now. If it was year seven that would be different.

You can't pull a child in Year 12! If you'd made this decision 5 months ago it would have been reasonable. Now it is cruel.

I think that taking him out in Y12 is utterly appalling if you can actually pay for that last year.

Just like I would be appalled at any parent who is thinking of telling their dc to change school in the middle of 6th form.
If you had such as issue with paying, you should have done that at the start of the year, when said dsc was heading for 6th form. Not in the middle of it.

Unless of course, you are also on track to screw his education and chances for university as much as possible....

As for the fairness.... the situation your dc is in vs your dsc are completely different. The impact will be like day and night.
Plus of course you might well be able to then being her back to private school whereas your dsc will have had his most important years at school screwed.

The court order has to prevail. However the husband could go to court and ask permission to vary the order. Although when the court hears he has enough money to pay for the second child then they will know the order must not be varied and thus the first child will stay in school and if necessary the new one will be pulled out. Then when the boy leaves after year 13 the younger one can go back. As we are just talking about 4 terms when they are both in private school is it possible for your husband to get a second weekend job to help pay? At one stage we had our day jobs and then both worked either on Saturday or Sunday (we had a lot of school fees to pay).

You have to keep DSS in his school and take DC in reception out. They have only done one term and it is now lockdown! How are the local primaries? If you are renting you always have the option of moving close to a good one if you are worried about catchment etc. If you are so short of money then you could end up pulling DC out later which would be even worse. Concentrate on saving/getting a deposit and reconsider private for secondary if your circumstances have changed. Your situation sounds very precarious and the children must be picking up on all the stress of this. There are huge benefits to a state education (from someone who could afford private for their DC but chooses state).

Definitely don't think there is much advantage in sending a child to private school in Reception, so if you have to choose, then DSS is at a crucial point in his education.

The other aspect of going to local state school is that your DD will make local friends (although not sure where the private school is).

And actually for the daughter once you’ve pulled her out of private school don’t bother sending her back. You can’t bloody afford it, private school is a luxury not for someone basically on the bones of their arse. 90 odd percent of people in this country go to state schools and are fine.

@MadameBlobby

Your daughter will not “suffer” by not going to a private school fgs.

Neither will the SS but he’s at a more important stage of schooling than your daughter so if you can only afford one lot of fees it should be him.

The SS will absolutely suffer if he is removed from his school in this stage of Y12.

It's not about the private aspect. It would be utterly, utterly selfish to move any Y12 child at the moment without serious life or limb reasons.

I also think you should keep the DSS in until he finishes secondary school over putting your own very small child in. Your child can always move later if you choose to spend your money that way. I wasn't sure what exactly you meant by sacrifices but parenting is all about sacrifices and if you choose to spend your money on luxuries like private schooling then you can't have as many luxuries elsewhere. As long as you're talking sacrifice in smaller property, not so many treats and not sacrifice like not eating, maybe you just need to suck it up for a short time to give the DSS the continuity in schooling he would benefit from. A decision to private school is something of a commitment and not something you should chop and change too quickly if it's avoidable.

I actually think you need to unpack ideas you have around schooling and 'doing your best' for your children. Why have you prioritised private at the expense of housing? Do you (or DH) feel you have failed if you can't give them the education you had/aspire to? Is there some guilt about the divorce? What do your children really need, rather than what you want/feel forced to achieve?

Speak to school about a bursary for the final year. So many people are in financial difficulties right now that a lot of private schools are prepared for financial hardship awards if they can. If he's in Y12 you are actually in a strong position as they wouldn't be committing to years of bursary, just one. One more year, and then DSS gets a student loan and no more fees to pay.

State till 8 for your youngest, and use those years to save up and get yourselves on a better financial footing. If you want her to go private then you really can't have any more kids either. Sorry it sounds harsh but it's a choice we had to make too - provide for fewer kids, or have more but financially uncertain/overstretched.

If you don’t have money then pull your own child out now and put her in state school. You can’t do this for her entire education - it’s stupid - keep your money and enjoy other things in life!

Pulling him out in his final A level year wouldn't just be a "blow" it would be severely detrimental to his education at this stage.

I skimmed over replies so I assume others have already suggested speaking to the school. They might well have a hardship fund for example. It might also be worth at least speaking to the ExW as they might be able to contribute for the final year.

As has been said, your DD will be fine in state education for the early years (she'll probably be fine there for most of primary TBH, unless your local schools are really crap!)

I also can't work out your financial position as it seems different in the two posts.

I hope OP returns and reads these comments and realises that she not only unfair and selfish but will also damage family relationships, cause resentment and ask her husband to break a court order. You cannot compare reception to yr12 and a 4yo won't be damaged by attending a state primary for a couple of years. OP - give your head a wobble.

@lyralalala well if they couldn’t afford either they’d have no option but to pull him out and have him schooled elsewhere. As it is if they can afford one they need to prioritise him.

The whole thing is ridiculous though, a court order to keep the kid in private school which the dad has to pay whilst the mother sits on her fat arse doing fuck all.

Your comment about both kids suffering makes me think this is a case of 'If DD can't go to private school then neither can DSS'. I really hope I'm wrong. Please don't put pressure on your DH to move his son now. Not only would it be unkind and damage his education, it will forever damage his relationship with his son and possibly his other children.

You’d be very unreasonable to pull a child out of school in his a level years. He’s already 5 months into the year, he’ll have started learning the syllabus. As a PP said, different schools teach with different boards/syllabuses or teach in different orders which could severely detriment his learning if he had to move schools. Also his emotional well-being. There is absolutely no need for your child to be in private school yet, if you could afford it then fine, but you can’t and a public primary/infant school will be fine for them!. I’d your child is 4, then they’ll only be going into year 2 by the time DSS has finished his a levels, lots of families that can afford to send their children to private school still have their kids in public school at this age.
It does seem like you can’t afford the life you’re living, why live in an expensive area in a home you can’t afford?. Personally I’d downsize and move to a slightly cheaper area than disrupt my child’s education.
Do you work?
I also believe it’ll be very difficult for your DH to stop paying considering he has a court order. As you say if he can’t afford it then what can he do, but the issue is he can afford it, and it will not look good on him if he pays for your child together education and scraps a court order.
If you’re in a really tight spot speak to the school about a bursary or his ex wife to see if there’s anyway she can put some money towards the education.

The only way DSS could come out of 6th form, is if he were a) agreeable and b) could get the same subject combination and same exam board and specification at his new school. I can’t say how likely that may or may not be.

The ex wife may be reasonable but there is a court order in place. And if I were her and your child is still in private at the age of 5 and you demand hers is pulled in year 12, I would be back in court immediately. It is worth pointing out that legal costs could be more than you’ve got left to pay.

Your husband has obligations he needs to meet. Legally. Your frustration is not unreasonable but your solution is the wrong one.

I am not a lawyer, but I doubt very much a court made your DH pay for his DC AND school fees if he was financially challenged. Back then he must have had quite a decent income and he probably still does.

You have a DC and a DSS in private school in reception and sixth form, so I am guessing that your school fees are upwards of 30K a year. When you say rent, what are we talking here? Are we talking 5-bed detached with a gate? I know lots of private school DC and I have never met one living in poverty with 2 in private. A lot of them moan they are skint, but they are still in the top 5% of the income bracket. I have a friend who watches every penny and says she is skint, whilst her husband works in an investment bank in London. Honestly, one private school parent's money worries are nothing compared to real money worries.

Sorry, but pulling your DSS out of lower 6th will cause him so much disruption and anxiety in the middle of a global pandemic when his life is probably quite shit right now anyway. Also, mine are at private. They are giving discounts as they are not at school and they have lower costs. Also, you won't be allowed to pull him out now, this year. You will have already paid for this term, or be accountable for it and you will have to give at least 1 terms notice. So, you have 1 year only to pull him out. Pulling him out now will have catastrophic consequences on his MH, his future and his relationship with his dad. Imagine this "I was in lower 6th, doing really well and my DF pulled me out in the middle of A'level's because my step mum made him". Honestly, the consequences are not worth the continuing on for ONE MORE YEAR.

You need to keep dss where he is, especially as it’s court ordered. He has his last year. Pull little one from private and find a good state school nearby. You can revisit private when they’re older.
Can’t believe you’re both renting though. Who’s decision was that? Too much has been invested in the private education by the sounds of it.

I think pulling your DSS out now would have a far more detrimental effect than pulling your dd out now and perhaps returning her to private at 7+, 9+ or 11+.
I question whether your financial situation suits putting your dd through the next 12 years in private anyway. In your situation I would not look for private for her until 11+ or 13+.

If you were struggling, why did you put your DD in private preschool?

@DecemberSun

First wives' club out in force today

Nope, just a lot of adults who agree a legally binding court order detailing responsibilities to an existing child, should be honoured over an adults ‘but that’s inconvenient for me’ complaints years down the line when they knew this was in place and what they were signing up to.