Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

@Remaker, is your brother in the US? Just that both private and public schools are both fee paying in the UK. State schools are funded by the government. Different terminology here.

Are you suggesting that OP gets a job to pay for her husband's son to go to school?

OP married a man with a court order in place requiring he fund his sons private education.

OP had a further child with DH

OP is now arguing that both children should be privately educated or neither should. Regardless of court order, regardless of the fact she knew the score when she married DH!

OP won’t answer whether she works. OP has, at the minimum a responsibility to fund 50% of her DD’s education. It doesn’t matter whether DH’s EXW works or not, she already had her DS’s education funded and legally binding by the time OP’s DD came along.

A reception aged child is going to get much less benefit from a private school than a year 12, you can't disrupt his education at this point, that would be callous. Surely you realised this before sending her, but either way I would pull her until your DSS has finished his schooling, then readmit her if you must. He's only got a year left and plenty of children start private education from KS1 or 2. If you wanted all the children to get private education you should have thought of that before adding to them, you can't kick your SS out because you now have a child, obviously 🙄

I would keep the older child in and pull the younger one out (no idea of the thought process in putting the younger one in prep school in the first place given your financial position).

You do realise that going back to court or simply stopping payments will cause a massive rift to the relationship with both the ExW but more importantly, his son?

You can’t pull your DSS out of school now, he’s only got another year after this. Your DD is only 4, no need to go to private school at the moment.

You knew about this arrangement when you got together with your DH. I’d also be asking why the ex doesn’t work. Does she and her DH pay half the fees?

Has the child in YR 12 been at his school for a long time, and is he expected to do well. If so, speak to the school. Many offer very good bursaries to children who are established at the school and whose patents hit hard times. I would imagine this might be possible, especially as he is so near to the end of his education there.

Friends of our did this, when their daughter was in year 10. They only had to pay a token amount until she took her GCSEs. She was very bright and managed to get a scholarship topped up with a means tested bursary when it came to A levels.

If your SS leaves 6th form now he wont be able to continue or swap A levels to another institution. He will have to restart A levels in September and its 2 whole years. It would be much more disruptive for him. Your younger child will be fine at state school.

Why on earth have you sent your young child to a private pre-prep when you have financial issues? Children do just as well academically if they go to state school for the whole of primary and then to a good private school (or state school) for secondary.
You're being gobsmackingly unfair to your stepson in even thinking like this. For God's sake prioritise his last and most important year at school. Why would you choose to fuck up his education like this?

I imagine that the stepson would never forgive either you or his father if you did this.

@usernc76482 - taking a teen out of their education setting in their final year isn’t ‘a real blow’ it’s a potentially destabilising and life altering event. New school, new friends, new teachers, new syllabus. It’s just not fair, and you are being monumentally selfish if you think it’s about your reception age child vs your stepson. There is no way a 4 year old’s education should be prioritised in this situation, there is plenty of time to catch up.

Your posts are, however, unclear. If you genuinely can’t afford to privately educate either of them that’s a different conversation. You need to approach the ex wife and the school to see what compromise can be made. Schools can often help out in these circumstances, but it would be a good idea to see what you can collectively afford before approaching them.

I think you are being very unfair.
This will be a massive disruption for him in his final year of A levels (assuming a college would take him part way through the course). You have said that you can afford one child's private education but not both. IMO, prep can wait a year, it's not essential. You will be damaging DSS way more than your DD.
This is also part of a court order and I'm assuming that you knew the situation and the future financial commitment when you married DH.
This is your DH's child, part of your family, someone he loves and cares for - I think your'e being pretty selfish to ask your DH to disrupt his education at such a crucial time.
Plus, he is your DD's sibling. I assume you want them to have a functioning relationship as she grows up and not risk him regarding her as the priority.
Poor lad, I feel for him.

@Rtmhwales

It sounds like even if the OP could afford one set of fees they shouldn't be as they could be better spent subsidizing the family. I'd have a hard time swallowing family money going to benefit DSS instead of saving for a deposit for a family house etc.

Generally yes but this is one year. Admittedly with covid, I suspect leaving Y12 and starting again in a state 6th form might not be such a bad thing but he won't want to do that.

But I certainly wouldn't prioritise a younger child to him. Obviously OP would because that's her child, but her husband won't as they are both his children.

I am actually surprised that a court order would mandate someone having to pay school fees. Nobody has a job for life these days and you could easily lose your job especially if the kids are younger - there's longer for it to happen.

Nobody should be a position where they are renting and paying private school fees. But that's what your DH has chosen OP and I would suggest that you accept it for another 18 months.

Your dd will be fine in a state primary and she'll make new friends if you have to move.

I’m shocked this is even a question.

You absolutely have to prioritise your DSS, if you won’t then your DH must. He’s mid way through A-levels. Trying to get him a place elsewhere would be near impossible at best of times but mid covid virtually impossible.

By the time you give notice he’ll have completed this year so then you’re just talking about one more year.

Would moving house really save you enough to make a difference to school fees? Especially once you’ve covered the cost of moving?

I agree with others that you can’t move a child mid way through sixth form. He might not even be able to continue the same a level subjects. They might not be offered or timetabled in the same way. I think everything has to be done to allow him to finish sixth form at his existing school now.

Plus, it’s court ordered. DH will be in breach of a court order if he doesn’t pay. His only option is to go back to court to vary or change the order which would be expensive in itself.

Your own dc is in reception and will be fine. You could move them back to private school for juniors if you wanted to once dss has left school. It’s totally not comparable to removing dss from his sixth form. Unfortunately you married Dh knowing he has a son and thus took on responsibility IMO.

I don’t agree with the obsession with home ownership here. It’s not a goal for me or something I want, so I personally don’t see a problem with prioritising private school over a deposit and would do the same.

But you definitely can’t remove dss from his school. All you can do is talk to dss’ mum and the school and see if any help is available.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children

You said this. Do it. Keep him in school for one more year. It’s 100% the fairest thing to do.

Its more important that DSS finishes his schooling, than a 5 or 6 Yr old has private education.

Please don't take him out of school, yoi say in your op that you can afford 1.

While I agree it’s worth asking about a bursary, bursaries are supposed to be there for families that have genuinely fallen on hard times, not families that made choices to live beyond their means and have extra children they can’t afford on top of their existing commitments.

It was crazy to send the younger child private when you’re already making sacrifices. You need to recognise that those sacrifices have been made for you to have more children, not for your ss to go to private school. The price is yours to pay, not his.

It would be really bad to pull DSS out in y12/13 when he has one year left. Pre-Prep isn’t really necessary - your youngest will be fine staying in state education until y3. It really won’t make a difference

Agree with this pulling him out would be horrendous. You need to look at scholarships bursaries and/ or payment plans
Preprep is unnecessary.

I know you say you can only afford 1 child in private but It doesn't sound like you can afford it at all if you can't service 10-15k for one more year and are in rented.
For context, we are making 200k combined own our home (well half of it) and aren't set on private due to cost.

Talk to the school and ask for a bursary. It's oto close to the end of his schooling, after so much disruption, to pull him out now. Also, you can put your own DC into good state education for primary and sort out finances for private secondary which is imo, more important.

If I were you, I'd leave SS in private education until he finishes then put your child into private afterwards. It will make much more of a difference to the older child, especially as he's practically finished.

Agree with others. You cannot move DSS when he is half way through year 12. If private school was unaffordably he should have moved into the state system in September. Sounds like his parents have (both) screwed up by burying their heads in the sand, and this shouldn't rebound on DSS. Both parents (and potentially by extension their partners) should be looking at what they can do to pay for the next 4 terms - including seeking out school finance if available/ possible.

If you're "couldn't afford" meant that you were struggling to eat, I might feel differently, but it sounds like it just means you will have to downscale your lifestyle i.e. take DD our of pre-prep (will not affect her at age 4 - you can move her back into private at 7 if funds allow).

Why on earth would you send your child to private school when you couldn't afford it?
The DSS fees are court ordered so you can't just decide not to pay them because you've had enough, you need to go back to court, that'll cost a fair amount in fees. He's 17, won't have long left for his education.
If you want your daughter to go to a private school, I suggest you get a job to keep her there.
You knew about the DSS when you met your OH, presumably the fees were court ordered then, so you shouldn't have tried to send your child to a prep school without having extra money in the pot.

Absolutely 100% you should continue paying for your dds schooling. I cannot believe anyone is saying you shouldn't. This is court ordered.
You made choices AFTER this court order. A choice to have another child. Which is fine, but on making that decision you should have looked at your finances including the subtraction of dss school fees to decide. Most of us can't afford private school.

A therapist once told me you don’t “make sacrifices” for your children, you invest in them. Private school is something YOU have chosen for them. You didn’t make sacrifices, you prioritised what was important to you. Don’t put that shit on your kid.

I think you are being very selfish to pull DSS out of private school when they are in such an important part of their education. Your child is in reception, they won't miss being in private education.

If you can afford one. Keep DSS in till has finished a-levels. Then put your child in to private education.

Though, personally I think it's ridiculous to have kids in private school while you live in a rented property