Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

Speak to DSS school about bursaries. Move your DC to state school. I really don't see the benefit to having a child in private school at such a young age, especially at the expense of an older one finishing their education.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

How do you know that? I've just got divorced - my consent orders state that my ex does have to pay for our dc to get their first degree. I don't think the op said if he does or doesn't -apologies if I missed that

[quote arethereanyleftatall]@TrustTheGeneGenie

How do you know that? I've just got divorced - my consent orders state that my ex does have to pay for our dc to get their first degree. I don't think the op said if he does or doesn't -apologies if I missed that[/quote]
I don't know that but I'm sure op would have mentioned it if it was part of the "deal"

And I hate to break the bad news but you know university will cost? Unless your DSS already has a weeekend or evening job and has been saving? The loans just don't cover living expenses. They really don't. Are all the grown ups talking about this reality?
Your financial affairs are away with the fairies.

@scentedgeranium

And I hate to break the bad news but you know university will cost? Unless your DSS already has a weeekend or evening job and has been saving? The loans just don't cover living expenses. They really don't. Are all the grown ups talking about this reality? Your financial affairs are away with the fairies.

It's not the parents respnsibility to fund their grown up offspring uni costs. Mine will get a hamper and expected to fund themselves. No wonder they aren't leaving until their 30's. You need to insist on financial independance from 16/18 really. You owe it to your dc, in fairness.

@scentedgeranium

And I hate to break the bad news but you know university will cost? Unless your DSS already has a weeekend or evening job and has been saving? The loans just don't cover living expenses. They really don't. Are all the grown ups talking about this reality? Your financial affairs are away with the fairies.

Quite agree and anyone that says otherwise is ridiculous.

Especially given that the loan is based on the parents income, looks like the govt expects the same.

@GypsyLee
That is entirely up to the parents. You do yours.

@scentedgeranium

And I hate to break the bad news but you know university will cost? Unless your DSS already has a weeekend or evening job and has been saving? The loans just don't cover living expenses. They really don't. Are all the grown ups talking about this reality? Your financial affairs are away with the fairies.

Loans are based on parental income levels. Students whose parents have relatively high income levels get much smaller loans. Even a full maintenance loan only covers rents, food, other essentials, so it is expected that parents "make up" the difference in maintenance loans if the student doesn't get full loan due to their income level. I think some people don't really realise just how expensive flat/hall rents are these days - even shared facility rooms can be £120 per week, and up to £140/£150 per week for ensuite. Many Unis are no longer providing "cheaper" rooms with shared bathrooms etc as there's more money to be made providing en-suites at higher rent!

Still unsure why someone who pay for private education for years and then not support that person to enable them to go through Uni. Doesn't make any sense to pull the rug from under them like that.

Love the way that everyone has started talking about university costs, when OP hasn't even mentioned university and DSS may have no plans to go there ...

It's not the parents respnsibility to fund their grown up offspring uni costs.
Mine will get a hamper and expected to fund themselves.
No wonder they aren't leaving until their 30's.
You need to insist on financial independance from 16/18 really. You owe it to your dc, in fairness.

Basically, the government does expect parents to fund their children at university. Those whose parents are on a low income get more help, but kids whose parents are on a high income but refuse to fund them are really screwed.

The OP's finances sound in a mess and her priorities seem all wrong. I can't really wrap my head around it, but it sounds like the adults all need to sit down for a serious talk.

WRT university funding.. My ds just applied last year, and it was based on household income NOT parental income. So for OP’s dss it will be calculated based on what the mum and stepdad earn, not OP’s husband (presuming the DF is the NRP). Not saying it’s fair, but it’s true (pretty sure England is the same as Scotland anyway). Unless the court order also made provision for uni.

I do sympathise OP - clearly things have changed a lot for you and it's understandable to re-evaluate. I think there are a few things at play here;

1. DSS has experienced a huge disruption already with remote learning and various lockdowns affecting his studies. To pull him out in the middle of more lockdown and so close to final exams would be disastrous to his future, and his current mental health.
2. University - as others have said if DSS plans to continue in education, this is the time to seek a review of whether your DH will need to contribute financially and, if so, how much. £ spent on a good solicitor now may save you £££ in the future so if you can I would try and do this before any university decisions are made. To put into context if your DSS did a 6 year medicine degree this could be very expensive!!
3. Have the conversation with DSS. He's old enough to know things are a struggle. Be supportive and positive about your commitment to him whilst being honest about your situation. If you need to have a review of finances as above it may influence his decision around which Uni to apply to if he's thinking that way.
4. Do a full finance review of everything you're spending. A private school for such a young child really isn't an investment- I think you already know this.
5. You mentioned downsizing - are you currently renting something bigger than you need? If so, downsize and save the difference.
6. Stop comparing what sacrifices your ex has had to make (or not!). It only makes you focus on what you don't have, not what you do. You're clearly very capable and although it's incredibly difficult starting from scratch you've done it once and you will do it again. Be kind to yourself, save where you can and use a little of the money you save from private prep school towards a break (when you can!)

DD1 is in Year 12 at a state school. She would probably have benefitted from an academic private education at senior school, but we couldn't afford it. Even if we won euromillions we wouldn't move her at this stage.

But if private schools have secret sauce, it kicks in later on, not at reception. We wouldn't have contemplated private reception/KS1, even if we had had the money.

@GypsyLee it doesn't work that way. It's assumed that parents will be helping out. Your dc won't even be eligible for some of the loans if you are high earners. Loans are based on parental income

Keep paying for DSS. He has one year left at a really difficult time. Your DC will be fine without a private education for a year, his DC may not be. Your child won't suffer at such a young age. His will.

It's not the parents respnsibility to fund their grown up offspring uni costs

Yes, it is. It literally is.

You need to insist on financial independance from 16/18 really. You owe it to your dc, in fairness

Wow. Do some parents actually expect financial independence from 16 year old children? Poor kids. Even 18. Do you not like your children at all?

@TalbotAMan my dc were in a class of 16 in reception with a full time ta and also a part time ta for the mornings. They had a 1:1 session for phonics/reading every day in reception. They were incredibly lucky. I have yet to hear of a state school offering those ratios.

Plus a teacher obviously

Yes @user1497207191 that is all true. And not wholly fair. We watched in disbelief as the children of recently divorced families acquired far bigger loans than our kids could attain. But we took it on the chin and fortunately could afford to make up the (substantial) differences between loans and actual living costs. And our kids worked from their GCSE years onwards.
I think perhaps OP ought to add that thought into the mix - DSS prob ought to be getting a little job

@RedskyBynight

Love the way that everyone has started talking about university costs, when OP hasn't even mentioned university and DSS may have no plans to go there ...

It’s a year away and quite relevant to the op and her financial situation. Most grown ups would be thinking a year ahead.

Not many ‘little jobs’ around at the moment, my dc are struggling to find them and have always worked. The pandemic has had quite a big effect on a that.

OP, I feel for you. A few things stand out though......you rent? __

This is exactly what I thought too. Have you never spoken to ex wife about finicial issues? Does she not pay anything towards school fees?

We are in a pandemic I would not of moved your DD to private school. You rent so you can move to a half decent school. There sounds like too much spending is going on.

It’s a year away and quite relevant to the op and her financial situation. Most grown ups would be thinking a year ahead.

Stop press. Not all 18 year olds go to university. As we don't know whether DSS has any interest or not, it's a bit premature to start discussing who will fund it.

@RedskyBynight

It’s a year away and quite relevant to the op and her financial situation. Most grown ups would be thinking a year ahead.

Stop press. Not all 18 year olds go to university. As we don't know whether DSS has any interest or not, it's a bit premature to start discussing who will fund it.

Not premature at all to discuss the financial implications of university for a year ahead. It’s an obvious thing to do and possibly finances should have been planned a bit more in advance previously.

I am sure OP will confirm if dss doesn’t want to go to university.

No need for anyone to get so irate about considering university costs when more than 50% of school leavers go there.