Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

and that was obviously a foolish a decision but taking a year 12 student out of ANY school midway through a levels is cruel and could be disastrous.

It’s one thing keeping him in his last year of school, but I think uni funding should be at least reduced dramatically in order to allow the op’s dd to go to private school. When you have more than one child, money has to be stretched further. Surely that’s just basic parenting

It does but it has to be prioritised. Supporting your first child through their education can't be sacrificed to put a very young child into totally unecessary private pre prep school.

@HoppingPavlova

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

Why is this even a question! Of course you would continue a 17yo who is at the very end of their education and who pulling out would probably mean failure at this point (due to trauma of upheaval at that age), as opposed to a reception child who it will only fleetingly affect for a few weeks at most. I would seriously have chosen to eat dogshit rather than move my kids schools at that age. Deadly serious.

I have known some parents where 1 parent has had to move for work and the rest of the family has stayed behind in these situations and then moved with the younger kids when the one in upper senior years finishes, it's that critical.

agree.

I do think that you need to seriously think about why you are going to such ends for a private education?
Honestly there really are great state schools out there.

You should be looking to buy a home, and make some long term financial decisions, not pouring every lats penny into private eductation.
But for your DSS this is not the time to move.
It is a little sad that you didn't take th eopportunity to move him after GCSEs which is a natural break. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So there's Year 13 to pay for, and the remainder of Year 12?

Pull small DC out of the pre-prep, that is a no-brainer.

Then it is time for very hard conversations with both the school and DH's ex.

Can the school offer a payment plan to pay it over longer?
Can DSS's mother & DH afford to make you a loan over a longer term of the school fees?

Everyone's aim - the school, your DH, DSS's mother - should be to keep DSS at his school through A-levels. So hopefully there is a solution.

For your DC, send them to state primary and regroup in time for secondary.

@funinthesun19

Also, your DSS deserves support through university too. That needs to be factored in to any change of circumstances you undertake.

Again, I think he should get the amount that can be afforded when op’s dc’s schooling costs are first factored in.

These days, further education is a virtual necessity when so many jobs require a degree.

However, a private school for an infant really isn't anything like a necessity.

Why pay for private secondary school for several years, only to abandon the them, and not support them to go to Uni? It makes no sense and could well throw away any benefits that the private education has provided.

and time for a serious open honest conversation with DSS's mum about cost.

I just don’t understand why you even started your DD at a fee paying school you can’t afford?

Selling your car, going without a family holiday etc is not really “affording” something is it? It’s struggling.

You absolutely definitely must not switch a child’s school during their A levels unless it is completely unavoidable. Certainly not to prioritise a 4 year old, who could happily join a private school at secondary level or at age 7.

University is expensive but there will be no Court Order saying DH must pay for all of that will there?

The main point here is a legal one - the husband is not allowed by law to stop paying as there is a court order. He would have to make an application to course which I think he would lose given he can afford fees for the new child and he did not have to take on that latter cost so he would have costs to pay too and probably the ex wife's legal costs too.

@usernc76482

I really sympathise

First off. Speak to the private school. Regarding a bursary. They are for parents who have a need. However. You’ve done this the same as everyone. As in lots of parents are in the same position. So there might not be any left

I would keep your stepson in. And put your daughter in when he’s out

I really understand. I hone educate mine. But we were in private school for our children. It’s no better. I promise you. The only good thing is smaller class sizes. And the connections that can be made. Other than that. It’s the same head teachers. The same teachers. The same staff. There is no difference. We’ve done both. The private school let us down more than the state schools. Because there’s no real governing body. No one to kee it in check then on top of all of that. You’re paying out the nose! It’s just not ok.

You have to find what your reasons are. Why are they in private school.

Good luck

I cannot believe you would consider refusing to pay the fees for 1 and a half years while your 5 year old goes to a private pre-prep school.
That is completely unnecessary. There is no reason why she cannot go to a state school and you can then reassess the situation in Year 3. You can decide at that point how the finances are stacking up and again for entry into year 7 if you decide not to send her at Year 3.

Moving DSS in the middle of his A-levels could be disastrous - if the syllabus isn't exactly the same or if the new school has covered topics in a different order.
Absolutely everything should be done to ensure he stays in the school he is in. Your DH should talk to his ex wife and they can both to school about what financial help there might be.

I'd prioritise DSS last year at the school he loves over sending DD to a private nursery. She doesn't need private education at any age, never mind at reception age. It's just another year but would be an awful thing to pull him out of school at that age

@funinthesun19

you do know private school is not essential? Seemed essential for the DSS when his parents decided to send him there.

Presumably it was a viable option for one child agreed upon by both parents and seen by the courts as a fair financial settlement during the divorce.

A four year old would get just as good an education in a state school in a ‘good area’ as a private school.

The child in his final A level year could face failing his a levels altogether if he were moved.

College my DC goes to doesn’t take children in the final year they have to start again. Which might seem OK for a child that’s not your own but hand on heart if it were your own son and you could afford to continue sending one child to private school you would just for the sake of one year.

Realistically, if they don't keep DSS where he is, there is a strong possibility he won't find a school that allows him to pick up exactly where he left off and he will have to repeat Year 12. Which means another year of supporting him through full time education, and the increased costs associated with that.

Your H does not need to fund them through uni as well. My parents didn't so I got a part time job and funded myself even though I had a mortgage and a child. Enough already.

I think the eldest should take priority for money through A Levels and university - although I doubt Uni is covered in the court order?
The youngest one will be supported through Uni by her dad I presume?

OP, as so many have suggested, you need to contact DSS's school and see how they can help you. You need to remove your DD from private education as you can't afford it.

Talk to XW as well. It may be court ordered but you can't get blood out of a stone. She should be prepared to contribute if DH's circumstances have changed since the court order was made.

Regarding Uni, if you can't afford to subsidise it, then so be it. A lot of kids have to work their way through Uni if their parents don't have any spare cash.

Instead of resenting it all, make a plan as to how you can get DSS through his schooling, and accept that your life and your lifestyle have now changed and that you can't afford to send DD.

Can you clarify how many children you have? You refer to child in pre prep as dc1 and later refer to having to move your children. Do you have dc younger than Reception child? If so, presumably you will also want that child in private school? If that’s the case (I may have misunderstood) then the fees issue is going to be an ongoing problem anyway isn’t it?

As pps have said it would be terribly unfair to do this to dss at this point in his education. I think you need to realise that treating them equally doesn’t have to mean the exact same. There is no reason at all dd needs to go private for primary and putting her in a good state school won’t harm her education.

To be honest I think if you have to scrimp to the point of living in a smaller house, no car, no holidays, watching every penny for years on end then you have to accept that like the vast majority of people, you cannot afford private education! I’m curious why private is so important to you that you (and the dc) will forgo so many other things! I can see where some parents would do it if there’s no adequate state provision for a child with special needs but otherwise I suspect that level of parental “sacrifice” must bring with it a lot of expectation on the dc to ensure a return on investment .

Your H does not need to fund them through uni as well. My parents didn't

He does, and what your parents did or did not do is irrelevant to that. You don't cut off your first child so you can pay for private school for a small child in your new family.

Very cruel to pull plug mid way. Dh should have had conversation earlier and started dc in state 6th form or college for year 12 - a very natural point to move. It doesn’t sound like a sudden thing eg death or job loss just a realisation not affordable overall. Really shitty thing to do to dc at vulnerable time doubt their relationship would recover. Exam boards etc are different you’d be effectively making him start yr 12 again. DH needs to speak to ex wife and school and come up with a plan for 1 more year.

[quote OddsNSodsBitsNBobs]@Remaker, is your brother in the US? Just that both private and public schools are both fee paying in the UK. State schools are funded by the government. Different terminology here.[/quote]
No, he’s in Australia but like the US state schools are called public schools. Yes I understand what a public school is in the UK which is why I corrected myself.

I haven’t RTFT. But based on the headline posts? I’ll give the legal view (based on my knowledge of family court/ financial orders).

Your DH is court ordered to pay the fees. If he wishes to stop, then he needs to make an application to stop. Now if I was the EXW in this situation (and I am beyond reasonable), I would contest it. On the basis that it is the worst possible time for the older child (I genuinely could not imagine a worst time to try and move a child, especially midst a pandemic).

A contested application would mean it would have to be heard by a judge. Bluntly private school is not a necessity, it is a luxury and courts view it as such. But if a judge saw that you were going to stop the fees at such a critical age under an existing court order, in order to pay for a subsequent child to attend private school? You’d lose. The existing order would take priority.

If you had no money to pay for private education at all, that’s a separate matter and a judge would review it as such.

If the OP doesn't want to pay for the son and wont make financial sacrifices, its kinda tough because her husband is legally obliged to.

Her choice is either to suck it up, challenge it in court (which she will lose) or to leave her husband which im sure wont exactly do much for the family finances in the short term unless she can find a rich man to shack up with instead.

And tbh this is where it sounds like there is an issue. Op resents being married to someone who isnt rich because thats not what she signed up for. She signed up for a nice house, holidays and private school and sadly thats now not on the cards.

I am seriously lacking in sympathy on this one tbh.

In summary? You have no choice. You simply (legally) cannot stop the court ordered older child’s fees in order to pay the younger child’s.
No judge would pass that.

I'm not a step-parent but in this case I really would let your DSS have his final year at private school and take your own DC out of private school.

It could damage DSS exam results and affect his future studying if you take him out at this late stage whereas your own DC it won't matter much if at all if he's in a state school.