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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

869 replies

usernc76482 · 19/01/2021 03:04

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

OP posts:
TonMoulin · 19/01/2021 11:00

The OP has come in here to ask for views on her situation and has already explained that their finances have quite spectacularly collapsed - they lost their house. And she explained they hoped to pull it back but that has proved optimistic so far. This seems unnecessarily unkind to paint her this way.

But she also explains that despite been in a dire financial situation, they've managed to pay TWO sets of schools fees until now.
And that they can afford one of them but believe that if her dd is 'punished' because she doesnt get to go to private school nor should her dsc....
Thats a very different picture.

Fwiw, I think that the OP's DH should start by talking to his ex and have a word about their financial situation. See if they could help with finances for the last year at school.
Instead the OP is bitter (her own words) because she will have to pull out her dd out of private school when all the ex's dcs (incl dsc) will be able to go.... And that's her issue. Wo a tought on how damaging moving a teenager in Y12 is.

frazzledasarock · 19/01/2021 11:00

I actually don't think OP has received a kicking on this thread at all.

Everyone would give this same advice regardless, even if the children in question were both OP's DC.

OP hasn't been back so we don't know whether she works, and she says she will need to move if both DC stay in private education, not if one does.

It's also a very good point made by a PP that the private education fee payment would have been part of the financial settlement to his ex-wife and son. It's one more year for you DSS, don't ruin his A'levels, poor kid.

lockedownloretta · 19/01/2021 11:01

Look at it as you only have one year left. Don't fund Uni etc.

how is that an option? you don't get to decide to just stop supporting your child!

TonMoulin · 19/01/2021 11:05

I get you're annoyed OP and I don't blame you. How come the mother has to pay nothing?! Why can't she get a fucking job?! Does he live with you full time?

I am going to guess (not so widly). The OP DH had a business that was very lucrative. When they divorced, the FATHER was told he needed to keep the lifestyle of HIS dcs after the divorce and that included paying for private school fees. I also wouldn't be surprised if the mother was a SAHM supporting the FATHER, the OP's DH, in his business by taking on all the parenting and hw etc etc etc... Like all SAHM really. So had no income of her own (or a much lower income) when she found herself a single mother. Hence it was agreed he would pay for HIS child education.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Then the ex remarried and decided to be a SHAM, in agreemnet with her new partner. And why not? She is entitled to take that decision.

diddl · 19/01/2021 11:05

"How come the mother has to pay nothing?! Why can't she get a fucking job?!"

Because that was what the father agreed to?

Maybe she would help if asked?

For example pay the difference between the pre prep & the 2ndry?

Perhaps she desn't realise that there is a problem-her ex having just sent another child to private school?

lanthanum · 19/01/2021 11:06

Mid sixth-form is not the time to make changes.

Talk to the school - there may be bursary funding available; I think some schools are quite understanding of changed circumstances - and of course you're only asking for a few terms.

It sounds as if the fees have been a struggle for a while, so putting the younger one in state school might give you a chance to build up some savings and make sure you have the money for private later on.

northbacchus · 19/01/2021 11:06

@lockedownloretta

Look at it as you only have one year left. Don't fund Uni etc.

how is that an option? you don't get to decide to just stop supporting your child!

When it comes to uni, he'll be putting OPs actual financial situation down on the student finance, which may mean he gets extra student finance (depending on each parents situation)
Goingtothebudgies · 19/01/2021 11:07

If the financial situation was really that bad, there's no way they would have put DD into a pre-prep (a luxury item almost no-one else in the UK pays for).

frazzledasarock · 19/01/2021 11:07

All the posts saying about the ex-wife to get a fucking job, this is a court ordered payment being made, it's part of the OP's DH's divorce financial settlement to his ex-wife.

LIZS · 19/01/2021 11:08

@lockedownloretta

Look at it as you only have one year left. Don't fund Uni etc.

how is that an option? you don't get to decide to just stop supporting your child!

If he applies for a Student Loan it would be based on the lower income plus he could be eligible for bursary or other funding, so less immediate pressure on op family resources. However if he lives with dm and sf it would probably be based on their income. Op and her dh could support in other ways perhaps, depending on their relationship with ss. However sabotaging his chances now may well cause it to break down.
bobbojobbo · 19/01/2021 11:08

"How come the mother has to pay nothing?! Why can't she get a fucking job?!"

She should get a job so her ex can stop paying his son's court mandated school fees so he can pay for his new kids instead? Are you for real?

RandomMess · 19/01/2021 11:10

Have you approached the school for financial assistance?

Would it be worth taking a loan to pay for the last year repayable over a few years as you will have more money once you stop paying school fees and maintenance? Rather than relocating that is.

frazzledasarock · 19/01/2021 11:10

I suspect OP herself doesn't work. As she failed to mention her employment status.

Housing101 · 19/01/2021 11:11

Since you decided to have another child, knowing your DH's financial commitment to existing child, and chose to pay for private prep school (why??)- knowing this would make it difficult to continue with existing child's school fees - YABU.

Don't disrupt the older child at this point in their education. That would be very unfair.

LizFlowers · 19/01/2021 11:12

I don't think it would be fair to pull step son out of his school as he is well established there - unless he is happy to go to a sixth form college. A lot are, they get to a point where they prefer being treated as a grown up to being at school. I remember that from my son's school days. Ask him!

I sincerely hope none of you go on about 'making sacrifices' to the children. There is nothing worse than kids being told how much their parents went without for their benefit. I had that said to me ad nauseum - I never asked for it and certainly never said that to my son, on the contrary I played it all down. What you do for your children over and above is entirely your choice.

Why does ex-wife not go out to work? Even working part time would generate some income - and she might enjoy it. Still I suppose that's not your business.

Another thing is schools will sometimes come up with a bursary if a child is bright and they don't want to let them go. They are often quite generous.

HollowTalk · 19/01/2021 11:12

I'm not sure I can believe this one. Who on earth would be paying for private schooling when they're paying rent? Why would anyone do that? (Talking about the OP's own child here - it's different if they're keeping the step son in his own school.)

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2021 11:14

how is that an option? you don't get to decide to just stop supporting your child!

It’s one thing keeping him in his last year of school, but I think uni funding should be at least reduced dramatically in order to allow the op’s dd to go to private school. When you have more than one child, money has to be stretched further. Surely that’s just basic parenting.

lockedownloretta · 19/01/2021 11:15

if they are paying two sets of school fees, it is very unlikely that the son would get anything other than the most basic loan which i can tell you doesn't even cover the rent in halls of residences. We have to top up the rent and give our child an allowance to cover food, books etc

Puffalicious · 19/01/2021 11:16

I've not RTFT but, look, my DS1 is at state school in his final year of secondary: he's just sat prelims (mocks) and got 5 top As (we do 5 Highers in Scotland, equivalent of A levels). He's not been disadvantaged at all by a state education. DS2 looks likely to be similar. You're DD will be fine. The teaching and learning in a state school is the same as a private school. You may feel private has more to offer in other ways but that's something you can't afford.

I admit taking DSS away from his current school would be disruptive though, can you scrape by for just this year?

For your DD, send her to state and make your own financial situation more stable.

I feel for you, but it's not viable.

lockedownloretta · 19/01/2021 11:16

you do know private school is not essential?

CheltenhamLady · 19/01/2021 11:17

Everything is relative isn't it?

Obviously, the right thing to do is to let DSS finish his education and cut your cloth accordingly. If that means having no private education for your DC, then that is how it must be.

Renting can be prohibitively expensive and renting in a good area even more so. Is your current house bigger than the three/four of you actually need? When you say downsizing, what does that actually mean? From what to what?

OP, you made these choices when you married a divorced man with longterm financial commitments and chose to have another child with him.

RedskyBynight · 19/01/2021 11:18

This isn't really a stepchild/own child scenario.

If the family can only afford 1 set of private school fees, they need to prioritise a Y12 student over a Reception student.

And, they need to have a long hard look at their finances. It's bonkers that a family that lost their house and can't afford a car think that putting a small child into private education is a sensible thing to do.

CheltenhamLady · 19/01/2021 11:18

Also, your DSS deserves support through university too. That needs to be factored in to any change of circumstances you undertake.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2021 11:19

you do know private school is not essential?
Seemed essential for the DSS when his parents decided to send him there.

funinthesun19 · 19/01/2021 11:21

Also, your DSS deserves support through university too. That needs to be factored in to any change of circumstances you undertake.

Again, I think he should get the amount that can be afforded when op’s dc’s schooling costs are first factored in.

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