Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

@OwMyNeck

Your H does not need to fund them through uni as well. My parents didn't

He does, and what your parents did or did not do is irrelevant to that. You don't cut off your first child so you can pay for private school for a small child in your new family.

yeah fuck the new child!

Paing a grown up through uni is soooo much more important than being able to look after your actual small child who completely and totally depends on you

and "new family" - URGH

It only makes sense to pay for the son to compete his last year in private school. This is not just an arbitrary decision, but also a Court Ordered obligation . The arbitrary decision was to put the second child in private school at a time that you were struggling to pay for the first child.

This is not a step child created problem; this is an issue of fully informed poor financial decision making on your part. You made a choice to take on a second debt when you were having trouble managing your existing debt.

All is not lost. You can pay this year for the son and next year put your daughter in private school assuming that makes financial sense at that time.
It seems as though your husband is committed to meeting his Court Ordered obligation. Maybe , one or the other of you could look for a second job.

Pay for your DSS to finish college and then when he leaves send the other one to private school, it sounds like she would only miss reception.

Leaving part way through A levels is likely to mean starting them all over again.

school bursaries advice

Given your financial circumstances, why did your put your dd in private school knowing full well that it would be a struggle? Your step son was already in private school but you didn't need to put your dd in private school as well.

Enquire at your step son's school regarding reduced fees and bursary assistance. It will give you all a bit of financial breathing space.

Reading these threads I have to say I have increasing respect for my FIL, when he divorced MIL and started his new family (and they were the new family), he ensured his older almost adult children got a financial settlement that matched the private school fees he paid towards his younger children with SMIL, such that they both went on to buy their first homes with the money.

My SMIL is a lovely woman too and has always treated us as family, which has resulted in all the DC/SDC and half siblings to have a very loving and close relationship with all the parents.

I think university in this instance is a separate issue, and the matter at hand should be dealt with first.

OP's Dh may wish to continue to financially support his son at university, as form OP's post it sounds like the wanting to stop paying for his education is not coming from the father.

Paing a grown up through uni is soooo much more important than being able to look after your actual small child who completely and totally depends on you

It's not more important than looking after a small child but it is more important than paying for a small child to go to private school when she could go to state school. He won't have to pay all of it but some contribution would be reasonable and I'm sure he'll want to contribute.

Completely agree with almost everyone here:

• Keep your DSS in his school until he leaves.
• Put DD in state school, move her back next year after DSS leaves school (if you still think you can afford to)
• In parallel -Talk to DSS school about bursaries
• In parallel - Have an open conversation with your DH's exW and her new partner about how you can all make this last year for DSS work together

I don't think it makes any sense for 'all the children to suffer the same' - surely it's better for your DD to have very limited suffering going to state school for a year rather than your DSS to risk impacting his A levels, not going to the university he wants and is capable of, and massively impacting his future? I appreciate he's not your child but still.

OP says they live in a 'good area' the state schools in the area are probably very high achieving in that case, and OP's DD may well love going to the state primary school.

Why is supporting older child and sending younger child to a good state primary, fucking over the younger child?

You really can't pull a yr 12 out now.

and "new family" - URGH

Why ugh? He had one family, now he has a new family. Its accurate as a description. You seem to think his old family now worthless and the new more deserving somehow.
When you have mutiple children, in one family or more, you have to think about them all. You don't get to jettison one to suit another.

@Belladonna12

Paing a grown up through uni is soooo much more important than being able to look after your actual small child who completely and totally depends on you

It's not more important than looking after a small child but it is more important than paying for a small child to go to private school when she could go to state school. He won't have to pay all of it but some contribution would be reasonable and I'm sure he'll want to contribute.

ah right, so the small child doesnt need the same oppurtunities the dss had, as long as he gets uni paid for. I dont agree with that.

I would pay for his last year of school 100% but i wouldt be sacrificing the younger ones education to pay for uni

Following on with what sassbott says if there is an order for DH to pay until end yr 13 then he can’t just stop. So Solicitors cost of applying to vary order/court fees. Courts are terribly delayed due to covid it could be many months or longer before any court hearing date so dss will already be in yr 13. Putting it bluntly if finances were that tight your second marriage dc wouldn’t have just started private reception.

@Clicketyclick21

school bursaries advice

Given your financial circumstances, why did your put your dd in private school knowing full well that it would be a struggle? Your step son was already in private school but you didn't need to put your dd in private school as well.

Enquire at your step son's school regarding reduced fees and bursary assistance. It will give you all a bit of financial breathing space.

Definitely agree. You can't move your step son now, it would be a terrible thing to do. Good advice re: hardship bursary.

Your own DC will have to go to state primary. Always the option to transfer into secondary private school of financial situation changes.

This is a situation when it's not appropriate to treat the children "the same". If both children were in exam years you might have a point. But last year of secondary and primary reception are not comparable.

@OwMyNeck

and "new family" - URGH

Why ugh? He had one family, now he has a new family. Its accurate as a description. You seem to think his old family now worthless and the new more deserving somehow.
When you have mutiple children, in one family or more, you have to think about them all. You don't get to jettison one to suit another.

Oh another one twisting my words!

No, i just dont think the "old" family is more important than the "new" family as you put it just because they came first.

I think youre only thinking about the "old" family tbh.

I dont think the OP should be entitled to a bursary for DDS. She just needs to remove her child from pre prep school and use State school like everyone else who cant afford private education.

I think youre only thinking about the "old" family tbh

Not in the slightest. Priorities should be the same as they would be if they were all of one family, which would mean you finish what you started with the first one and then try to give the younger one the same. You do not, ever, tell the first one they have to leave school so a 4 year old can go to private school.

As a previous poster pointed out, your DH has been court mandated to pay for his DS before you came on the scene. You knew this before you enrolled your own DD into private pre prep. What’s more, you had severe financial losses years ago and still enrolled your DD in private pre prep but took no steps years ago to alter the court order. Now at the final hurdle of DSS schooling, you want to pull the plug?

It’s not relevant that EXW doesn’t work. The opportunity was there for your DH to alter the court order years ago to take account if your change of financial circumstance before this crucial time in DSS education

Really, your DH should continue to support his DS for his last year

Think again then if you can afford private for your DD right now. Focus on sorting out your family finances and safe towards your DD private education when you can afford it

This coming from a parent who had to make these choices for my own DC. I had my middle child on the list for local private pre prep but unexpectedly had a 3rd DC so needed the funds for child care for 3rd DC. when it came time for middle child to go to this private school. So we waited until it was time we had the money, when 3rd DC was in school. Then when eldest finished private school, the 3rd DC started. So even within one family with all same bio kids you need to balance your finances for what you can afford.

And we always paid our mortgage. Housing trumps private school fees. Holidays - didn’t have holidays abroad until the kids were older and we could afford them because we valued their private education over a holiday.

Your choice for your DD, it you have no choice about your DSS. You knew all along about this commitment before enrolling your DD in private school.

If your finances are so bad, look now at the court order and how it may apply to uni. DS hasn’t started there yet so your DH may be able to change a court order for that now. Plus DSS could plan accordingly in advance.

@OwMyNeck

I think youre only thinking about the "old" family tbh

Not in the slightest. Priorities should be the same as they would be if they were all of one family, which would mean you finish what you started with the first one and then try to give the younger one the same. You do not, ever, tell the first one they have to leave school so a 4 year old can go to private school.

Thats not what i was suggesting, is it?

you pay for the last year, and then you offer the younger one the same - ie private school.

maybe if you bothered to read my posts before replying...

It hasn't always been like this for us, once upon a time there was enough money to go around for everyone but that's now no longer the case after a business loss a few years back where we lost everything (inc. our house) and we are rebuilding our finances from zero. We keep thinking "this will be our year" "we can make it work this year if we just cut back on xyz" but unfortunately it's not the way our cards were dealt.

I’m just wondering if you both work for your own business, or if one of you could get a better paid job on a salary? If you can’t cut back you need to make more money - which you know! - but that might mean radically rethinking how you’ve structured your lives.

Also remember with all the COVID disruption, teacher assessed grades are being used where external exams have been cancelled. We don’t know if that will continue to be the case. If it does then dss will be incredibly disadvantaged by moving from a school where teachers know him, to one where they have no clue about his abilities. That’s on top of transferring coursework, potentially having to drop subjects / change exam boards. I think you just need to suck it up until after his A levels. (Sorry if I’m repeating anyone, I haven’t read every single post.)

wrt university:

The current system assumes that parents who can afford it, contribute towards their children's university costs.
In this case, the parents would be able to afford it.

It is worth looking at Martin Lewis' 10 things you shoudl know about university (or maybe it is 10 things you should know about teenagers and money?? Can't remember) it talks about financing, univerisity and children. One point he clearly makes is that there is a financial obligation from parents to uni age kids, it is assumed in how unis are financed and that we should plan/budget for it.

If you look at timings, your DSS will be through and finished school and uni in 5 years. Your dd is presumable 4 now, so she will have the opportunity to do private secondary if that is still what you want.

But leaving aside the whoel step child v. your child thing. You sound as if you are going to ridiculous lengths to pay for private school.
I think it owuld be worth sitting down and asking why?
Where do you want to be in 15 years? Owning a home? Holidays? What sort of life?
Is it really the best thing for you as a family to sacrifice everything for this education?
Have you even been to or looked at the local schools? Once you aren't paying school fees, and as you arerenting, you could move to any area you like to be close to a good state school.

I have 3 teens all at state grammar schools, all doing well. It really is possible.

ah right, so the small child doesnt need the same oppurtunities the dss had, as long as he gets uni paid for. I dont agree with that.

By that logic if the DSS doesn't get any help with University you also think that the small child shouldn't get any help with University fees either when they are an adult? After all paying for one University fees and not the other would be treating them like an unequally.

@Belladonna12

ah right, so the small child doesnt need the same oppurtunities the dss had, as long as he gets uni paid for. I dont agree with that.

By that logic if the DSS doesn't get any help with University you also think that the small child shouldn't get any help with University fees either when they are an adult? After all paying for one University fees and not the other would be treating them like an unequally.

Well... Yeah. I mean a lot of people worth through uni. But then the dss has another well off parent who will likely pay him through it so... I dunno.

You can't make everything totally equal but I don't support funding the fist child just because they're first and then giving the second none of those things

Youve not embraced your new financial situation or cut back in every way that you can if you have enrolled your child into a private prep school in the last year?

If the op can't afford to help DSS through uni the can't help. He will have to work his way through like plenty of others do or not go or ask his Mum to support him.

Getting him through school is the priority and that may be at the sacrifice of not being able to help much at uni.