Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

[quote HerMammy]@Notcrackersyet
They didn’t lose their house, they sold their car.
If finances have suffered why on earth go private with a 4 yr old?
That just smacks of snobbery and stupidity.[/quote]
In the post at 08:10 the OP says they lost everything incl their house.

The OP has come in here to ask for views on her situation and has already explained that their finances have quite spectacularly collapsed - they lost their house. And she explained they hoped to pull it back but that has proved optimistic so far. This seems unnecessarily unkind to paint her this way.

People are being unkind because she claims that their finances have quite spectacularly collapsed but if that was true why has she sent her child to a private school?

I’d keep him in given he’s only got two years to go.

I can see why you’re disgruntled but it’s not like you’re skint enough to not be able to afford the school fees.

I think you could send your DD to a state school for a couple of years because it will have a lot less impact on her education. She’ll be going from what, age 7/8 at latest?

If she’s bright, she’ll do well. To get the too jobs, going to a private school is all well and good but you still need to have the academic ability.

Would be interesting to know if you work too?

So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again

If you need to do all that then you should never have put your DD into private school as you can't afford it.

Also depends on his grades. If he’s flunking anyway I’d pull him out- possibly .

@Xiaoxiong

I just went back to your OP and saw

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

Then the solution is obvious - just pay for one at a time - state till 8 for your DD, while DSS finishes up his A-levels. No need to move house!

this would be my solution also.

If you're struggling so much financially, why put a child so young in private education? I don't understand.

Don't pull him out yet not in year 12. If anything have your daughter start in 2 years. Education in primary state will be absolutely fine. Even if it wasn't she would have plenty of time to catch up.

The bit that struck me was “if the children are going to suffer it should be all of them”

I think that’s quite unfair and a bit childish (perhaps you didn’t mean it to gone across that way). Like you’re saying if yours has to miss out then you’ll ensure his does too out of spite.

I think it’s really tough to remove a 17 year old in the interest of “fairness” because you can’t afford 2 places

Finish up the DSS's final year, presumably, he's off to university and uprooting him may cause issues with his grades. Both children shouldn't have to "suffer" because one is, and he'll receive much more benefit at this stage than your DD for now!

You've got two good options: either pull out your child for a couple of years then she can rejoin or have her rejoin into upper school when she is 8? Will probably help her going into a private secondary too. Alternatively, she may benefit from a state primary, especially if there are good schools in your area!

If you lost your house and car a few years ago, what made you think you could afford pre prep for your DC?

Speak to the school about a bursary or financial assistance for DSS. Pay for the next 4 terms for him. As has been said over and over again, you can't move schools at this point in his education. And I am a stepparent so I do understand the feeling of the creep of sacrifices, but this should be a non negotiable.

Downsize or change property to one in a good state primary area. Move your DC. Start saving the c. £15k/pa you'd committed to their education for a house deposit. In 6 years you'll have £90k in savings (give or take), and be better able to a) buy a property and b) commit to secondary level private education for your DC.

Sending small children private is a vanity decision. You don't have the money to make those decisions. IMO it's only worth it at secondary level, if you aren't able to do it all.

Sorry you can't take out dss, that would be just awful. At this stage your dc are younger and could adapt, his changes with friends, teachers and study would be too much.

I think your husband should have a conversation with ExW. Tell her how much you're struggling and that you might not be able to pay the fees going forward for the next year. See if she and her husband can at least make some contribution to the fees to lessen the burden for you.

Fwiw, I've known a couple of step-dads who paid or at least contributed to their (resident) step-kids' school fees. So it's not out of the question, especially if the alternative is for your step-son's little sister to have to change school. Though, if that's not an option, I think it would be easier for her to change school at this stage, than for your DSS coming up to his final year. You should do everything to keep him there, but at least have the conversation with his mum.

Speak to the school, they will have a hardship fund. You cannot take him out in yr12 it's just not fair and not comparable with a young child.

It would have been much easier to have made that decision last summer and for him to go to a different 6th form. Besides it will be a terms notice anyway so you will be paying the summer terms fees anyway. If he changes schools for yr13 I would not expect good results.

You've had to sell your house and car, but you put a 4 year old in private education??

I've heard it all now

Pulling him out of school in the middle of A levels isn't fair. Have you thought about any way you could make it work?

• Discuss issue with his mother, could she help?
• Any grandparents/god parents who might help?
• Is there any money saved for SSs future/uni, could this be used?
• Have you explained the situations to school/schools (not sure if they are at the same school) there might be bursaries or scholarship that could help, you might not get 100% but if you got a reduction for both could that help?

I hope you can work it out.

@Belladonna12

The OP has come in here to ask for views on her situation and has already explained that their finances have quite spectacularly collapsed - they lost their house. And she explained they hoped to pull it back but that has proved optimistic so far. This seems unnecessarily unkind to paint her this way.

People are being unkind because she claims that their finances have quite spectacularly collapsed but if that was true why has she sent her child to a private school?

It’s uncleR. She does say they can afford one so that implies things have tightened but they can still afford one private school fee.

It looks like a straight choice between stepchild who’s been there for years and is close to finishing, with all the friends and consistency that implies, and the non step child who’s very young and not started yet...

you are being unreasonable. Have you investigated busaries with school? He is half way through A levels you need to grit your teeth and sort it for him. If anything your children should be pulled out of lower primary and sent to a primary - if you can change things once they are 7 and do an intake to the private system them i think it will be fine. I don't agree with "unfair" etc. It is grossly unfair to pull someone out of education half way through exam years for the sake of a primary sibling.

Also all the private schools I know of require a terms notice if you’re pulling your child out of school.

You’ll still be paying for this years schooling anyway.

In this situation i think the yr12 kid should be prioritised if you can. Changing his school now would be really disruptive.

I think your DSS should stay where he is. Move your daughter. She's young enough that it won't matter so much. Look at accessing private education for her from age 9+.

I tihnk the problem is you have continued on beyond the point of no return.

Towards the end of his GCSEs would have been the time to bring this up as although difficult it would have been a doable move - trying to get him to move now has the potential to be a life changing disaster for him - he is presumably following an exam board and curriculum etc and so yes he does need to stay.

I know it seems harsh that your DC cant go to preprep but actually for that age one would assume there are plenty of good state options. Look into these and find them.

To be honest downsizing to a different area (and I suspect you are in a rather lovely area of probably London) makes sense you can re find the community and go for an area that has a good solid state system at least at the private area.

And be honest with the school to see if there is a way around this (installments etc) and to your DSS about the amount of financial support you will be able to offer him once he leaves school.

Keep the boy in school and drop the preschool for your dd