Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

I would continue to pay for the step child who has known private schooling and is finishing secondary school next year, I would feel awful pulling him out of his school if we could help it.

If you can't afford private school for your child, don't send them. It is beneficial, in my opinion, when they are little and like sponges to go to a school with a smaller class and more time being spent with them, if that's private all be it, but it wouldn't be at the cost of the other child's final year.

@HerMammy absolutely. I think she met a man with DC in private education and assumed she was marrying a good lifestyle. That isn’t the case but she can’t let that go and now it’ll be “unfair” that DSS got private education and hers didn’t. Even if it means the DC never having a holiday and them never having their own home.

My DS went to state school until high school and he thrived. The school focused on his working at a higher level (along with others) and he did very well. I just mean that your little one will do just as well in state school.

What would stick with me though was that I was renting, going without holidays and paying for another child (who has two parents) whilst my child does not have. I don't think I could do it. Can your DSS's mother not get a job to at least contribute to his final year?

You’ve completely not answered on the finances question whether sending dss for his final year and taking dc out of reception is affordable, only moaned about moving to a smaller house.
And yes I see how it hurts that ex didn’t have to make these sacrifices, but ex didn’t lose her business which is part of the sacrifices. Possibly you should have asked to modify the court order when it failed. All you can do now is pull dd out and ask if the ex can contribute to dss final year. Pulling dss out now would be the single most unfair thing you could do.

Maybe some posters should read this thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4135986-Evil-Stepmum-s-Greetings-Card-Collection?msgid=103785052

[quote DecemberSun]Maybe some posters should read this thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4135986-Evil-Stepmum-s-Greetings-Card-Collection?msgid=103785052[/quote]
Wtf is this cringey bullsh*t 😂

First wives can be so bitter...

agree with all

Your DSS cannot be removed from his school at this point - really unfair, and also there is a court order that was agreed and has been upheld. It could have a huge impact upon his future.

It sounds as if your finances can cope with the one set of fees, so, for the next year and a half, Im afraid you are going to have to bite the bullet and deal with it. When your DSS applies to university they will be taking all the incomes into account for funding, so that will be the time to renegotiate the fees

That commitment is non negotiable. It was based on the division of assets at the time of divorce and so that money should be disregarded when you come and look at what you have from month to month for his second family. In fact, I have alot of respect for him that he hasnt cut back/reduced his commitment when the new family came along, as so many men do. It shows that you have a good man there.

In regards your daughter. Nobody needs to go to private pre-reception. In fact I would suggest that if you have a bright kid, then you dont really need to go private (if that is your wish) until senior school. My son has gone in at Year 9 and has caught up and flown in one short year. If your finances improve between now and the next 7 years, then you will have plenty of time to save before then. It may not be 'fair' in your eyes, but unfortunately thats how life is. If you dont have the money, you cant do it.

But your DSS must finish his A levels

For the sake of a year I would, I would try and keep both in for another year. It sounds as if you want to stop supporting him as keep your dc in private education.

Does your DD have some kind of special needs that meant you put her into the private school? Otherwise I cannot understand why you would do that instead of using the money towards a house or car. Surely you can’t really think it’s a dilemma over which of them should remain at their school - DSS is in his most important years at school and shouldn’t have that disrupted.
If you’re sick of your financial situation I think you need to look at giving up the business and finding employment, not blaming your DSS and resenting his mother. If you are unable or unwilling (and I think DSS school counts as unable due to the court order) to reduce outgoings then you need to increase your income.

Can your DSS's mother not get a job to at least contribute to his final year?

I’m not sure I agree with this.

OP-who pays the school fees? Is it 100% your husband or 50/50 with the Mum/dad?

Crazy to change a child's school so close to their A levels. Different schools use different exam boards, different subject options, and even if you manage to find a school doing exactly the same, they may teach the topics in a different order. You'd be putting a huge amount of work/stress on them, on top of the disruption element of having to fit it with new class mates etc. If you were going to change schools, you should have done it long before then. If you do change, you are kissing goodbye to all the good that a private education has done so far and setting him up to underperform.

I understand your point but it would be unfair on DSS to pull him out now with a year left to go. It's also unfair in your daughter to be the only one to not get a private education but at the age she's at she could easily miss a year. Why don't you continue with DSS till he finishes then move your daughter into private school then?

OP whatever you do, please keep your dss in his school if you can. Moving him at this point would be so disruptive.

Your dh and his ex need to discuss how they can make this happen.

It’s not unfair your DD can’t go private: if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Simple

[quote SendHelp30]@HerMammy absolutely. I think she met a man with DC in private education and assumed she was marrying a good lifestyle. That isn’t the case but she can’t let that go and now it’ll be “unfair” that DSS got private education and hers didn’t. Even if it means the DC never having a holiday and them never having their own home.[/quote]
The OP has come in here to ask for views on her situation and has already explained that their finances have quite spectacularly collapsed - they lost their house. And she explained they hoped to pull it back but that has proved optimistic so far. This seems unnecessarily unkind to paint her this way.

I think the Op came back earlier to say that they'd continue to pay the fees.

I strongly recommend that your DH starts to taking to his Ex now about what financial provision will be available for university years - she's going to need to chip in.

I do think money spent on early years private education can be a bit of waste definitely if you don't have cash to spare - get yourselves on an even footing and lots of financial planning.

if he can't pay then he can't pay?! The money just isn't really there without us making sacrifices.

We all make sacrifices for our children, and your husband decided long ago to privately educate his son. He can't suddenly decide to stop now, at a crucial time, in order to pay for private school for another younger child.
He needs to finish what he started and then he can focus on the younger child.

You need to pull your child out of the private pre-prep. How much benefit will a 5 year old be getting and is it worth the £12k + fees per year? You must have spent a fortune on the uniform alone. Your child can always go back for secondary.

Also, ex wife needs to get a job and contribute to her son's fees. Speak to his school about financial assistance.

@AbbeyBelfast

Oh and op...

Your selfish entitlement is staggering.

Your child doesn't need to be in a private prep school at reception age! Your step son however does need to finish his a levels!

Take your child out, do what's right by the young man about to sit A-levels and grow tf up for a year.

Christ, some people.

Does your tone have to be so unkind?

@Notcrackersyet
They didn’t lose their house, they sold their car.
If finances have suffered why on earth go private with a 4 yr old?
That just smacks of snobbery and stupidity.

Forget who is the step child and who is the natural child.

You cannot take a Year 12 child out of a school at this point in the year unless they have had a complete change of mind about what they want to do and wish to start again from scratch. This is something that should have been decided last summer. My two kids went to private schools (though we pulled ds out after Year 8) and I always said that they would not start Year 10 (or Year 12) without me being able to 100% guarantee I had the fees for the two years. You seriously disrupt their education pulling them out mid way through the exam course. That;s any child, any school.

A reception child, however, no problem to change. Best to do it now.

I’ve had friends send their first dc to private primary school and regret it, saying provision is no different to a state school. In reception, I cannot see the benefit, tbh. Pulling your dss out of school now is extremely disruptive.

I’d love to know why ex w doesn’t work.

The ex-wife doesn't have to do anything. She can spend her money how she likes.
The school fees are court ordered.

I think the Op came back earlier to say that they'd continue to pay the fees.

It was more a bitter rant about all the things she will have to give up.