Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

If you can afford one set of fees OP then the court will expect your DH to pay. They will not care one jot that this means your younger DC cannot attend. As much as it stings, pull the younger one and suck it up for one more year. Put the younger DC back in for prep in year 3.

@ChinUpChestOut

OP - I have been in your situation. I have a DSS who, when he was in Lower Sixth, had his DM not working and my DH no longer able to afford school fees. Our business was a victim of the 2009 crash, and was so near to making it, but it was failing more and more each day. So I really do know what you're going through. To make it tougher, DSS had been a "difficult" teenager and was not a particularly academic kid.

DH was beside himself with feeling a failure, and his business loss now affecting DSS. We both knew that if DSS had any chance of success in the future, he needed the educational stability from his school. So I paid 2 terms fees out of what was left of my personal savings, that I had saved prior to marrying DH. I was a civil servant - this money was 2/3 of my then annual income.

It's tough. It's really tough. Giving over that money hurt. But doing it, kind of felt later like I had earned my stripes, moving up to Stepmother Plus level. I've done my time, didn't dodge any bullets, suffered, gone through everything with him and now have the best relationship ever with him. I love him to bits, I think he's a wonderful young man.

I'm not sure if his DM ever knew that it was me that paid, but DH does. And he's never forgotten. We're in a better place now financially (the business never recovered) but DH managed to get employment. So it came right in the end.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your DH means everything to you, then do it for him. Think of it as an investment in your family, which of course, includes DSS. You can take pride in everything he achieves, because you will have earned that spot and you'll know deep down, you did the 'right thing'. And more importantly, your DH will know that you did that for him - for his eldest child, and if he's anything like my DH that's not something he'll forget.

This is such a lovely post and you did indeed earn your stripes.

Goodness-your post title is harsh.

Most people cannot afford private school-they simply can’t, so it isn’t the norm in most circles.

Your husband has a court order saying he needs to pay school fees, so unless he’s lost his job, he needs to make his future life plans around that, as that is something he once thought was necessary.

To pull a year 12 teen out now and make them change school, because the step mum ‘refused to make financial sacrifices’ sounds like something awful out of a children’s book.

You can’t afford private school for your new child as your financial situation is precarious and your DH is already committed to paying fees for his older son-that’s the long and the short of it, really.

OP you really need to work on feeling bitter about the ex. You can't force her to change. You feeling bitter isn't hurting her and it isn't changing the situation, it's only hurting you. In the past I've felt bitter about DH's ex wife's choices, but I can't change her. I have to work really hard to not feel bitter and resentful and just work with what we've got because honestly, that's the only way.

Be honest, if you were struggling so badly, you could have saved yourself a few thousand by not putting your DD in prep school. That money could have then been used for your stepchild's education to get him finished.

Personally I would focus on the older child, as it would be disruptive, possibly disastrous to move now, especially with all that's going on. Not long to go now. I'd then put the little ones in prep once he'd gone on to university or whatever his next step is.

Wouldn't you both be better off employed, than dreaming of an ever-elusive business success? Why not leave the risky business gamble until after DSS is through school (and university)?

YABU and I don't even support the use of private education. But this young man is year 12. It simply is not reasonable or fair to do this to him now. If it is at all possible to fund one child's private schooling, surely you can see that it has to be done? There is no comparison when it comes to impact- a small child at the start of their education vs a young adult in year 12?

You say move your children, implying more than one? DC1 is in what 4 years old? So you have decided to have one or more children during these financial difficulties.

I think you would be very unreasonable to pull your SS out at this point and I highly doubt it is so unaffordable that you would have to move or why on Earth would you have started DC1 at pre prep? It would have been obvious it was unaffordable.

Speak to the school, speak to the ex wife but it would be a bad decision to move DSS at this point.

I think you are ridiculous sending your youngest to private and then moaning on about cars and holidays ( this assuming you are paying not using the 15/30 free hours there.) Honestly this is life. And yes I have been without car with young kids and it's not easy.

You can't take DDS out now you must see this is totally wrong. Private school is great for little ones, but mostly they just push them ahead sooner and this works for some and no others. Honestly you will find the ones that do well are the oldest in the year ones, as they are ready for the being pushed and usually the girls.

I'd do anything I could to keep DSS in his current school because the disruption at this stage would be quite detrimental. I think it's worth scrimping just to hang on to that. Your DD doesn't need to be in private school, certainly not so young, and maybe when she gets to an age where it would apply, you may be in the financial position to do so. There's absolutely no comparison between a taking her out of private school so young and taking DSS out at a crucial time.

I can't get over the fact that someone who is renting, has no holidays and has had to sell their car still sends their very young child to private school. I must live in a parallel universe.

Can't one or both of you get a job? Sounds like your business isn't working

If taking the early primary aged child out of private education means you don’t have to disrupt your DSS’s schooling at such an important time then I would 100% do that. Yes, the children should be treated equally, all things being equal, but all things are not equal are they? It’s reception/Y1 versus A Levels (or IBAC etc). No contest for me.

The money just isn't really there without us making sacrifices.
What sacrifices are you talking about?

Agree with most posters here. Keep DSS in for the rest of his school life and when he's left school, put your daughter in private primary (or wait until things are finacially better and go private secondary where it matters more).

Seeing as you can afford private school, but for one child only, wouldn't it make more sense to put your youngest in a state school. At that age, it doesn't matter where she goes to school. Your SS has only 1.5 years left and then you don't need to pay for his fees anymore, and disrupting his education at a crucial time just because you want to send a 5 year old to private school is extremely selfish IMO.

Right now, his education matters more than hers, and the exams (if they happen) he takes over the next 1.5 years decide the path for the rest of his life. The same can't be said with your 5 year old.

I would do everything I could to keep DSS there until he finishes GCSEs - it's just this year and next. It would be hugely disruptive and unreasonable to pull him out now.

Your DC1 doesn't need to be in pre-prep. That's a choice you'd like to make, but one you can't afford for the next two years. It won't impact them massively to move into the private school system at prep instead of pre-prep.

The impact on your DC1 of delaying private school for 2 yrs will be tiny. The impact on your DSS of moving him now will be huge. To me, there's not even a choice there.

Firstly although this arrangement seems unfair to you ,without being rude it was made when you were not on the scene or your own child either .I cannot see how taking a privately educated boy out of a private School at the eleventh hour ,is going to solve anything at all! Surely a year or so in a state school for your own DC is not going to impact them the same way?I understand your frustration at his ex wife not being in a paid job ,but again that is up to her and her own husband .Not you or her ex surely .Maybe when he has gone to Uni and you are no longer paying fees then it would be advantageous to save some money towards a deposit even on a small flat or house ? Renting property is expensive and sending a small child to a private School seems like an unecessary expense to me

I also wouldn’t even consider sending your DD to private once DSS has left. You clearly can’t afford it and would you really want DD to be the resident poor family?? Get her in a good state school and give her good life experiences and pay for tutors in secondary if necessary. Have holidays, buy a home. These things are more important.

If you couldn't afford to pay you should have gone back to court years ago to renegotiate. You didn't and now is not the time to stop paying school fees. You keep saying that you are sacrificing your lifestyle in order to pay for them but if that was true why on earth have you sent your own DD to a private school?.

I know a few primary school teachers at private schools and they don't seem to mind sending their own children to state schools. It really doesn't make much difference when they are very young so your child is the one that needs to go to a state school for now.

You talk about uprooting your children (plural) OP - is this issue going to feed on to further children after the one currently in Pre-Prep too?

There is absolutely no comparison between wanting a primary aged child to go to private school, and keeping an established student there at a vital time of his education. Obviously that must be continued unless there is no alternative at all.

Thoughts of private schooling for the younger child need to be on hold for the moment. Perhaps if your fortunes change, it could be re-assessed for secondary, although it feels like there would be a big change needed to make it worthwhile.

Wonder if the op will come back. Suspect she was looking for some support that it was ok to mess with her stepsons education like this so her and her child could benefit..

It’s two years op. Not even that long due to the contract. You need to suck it up and do what’s right.

Agree with literally everybody else on the thread.

Torpedoing your DSS’s education to make a point about your current child’s situation would put your in the “step witch” category, and even if your DH agreed it would tear the family apart. Guaranteed it would never be moved past, because it would be a choice made for selfish, bitter reasons.

Your child really won’t suffer from being state school at this age. And another year of no holidays is not that big a deal in the grand scale of things, compared to the damage to his education.

Wonder if the op will come back. Suspect she was looking for some support that it was ok to mess with her stepsons education like this so her and her child could benefit..

I don’t think so. She didn’t get the answer she wanted.

Is it possible OP likes the image of the nice area and DD in private school and is clearly unwilling to see she’s being ridiculous.
No 4 yr old needs a private education.