Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

I’m so shocked you would even ask this question! To pull out a 17 yr old in his last year, with all the disruption they’ve faced already in order to put a 4-5yr old in (unnecessary) prep school is just cruel and selfish. You really resent paying for your dss don’t you?
Don’t get together with men who already have kids if you’re not willing to be fair to the stepchildren.

I Can totally see why you are upset, however, it sounds like of all the children, the yr12 should be the one to stay and would detrimental to pull him out at this time. Although you should definitely not have to compromise your own daughter in favour of dss, I would consider in this particular year(assuming you are in the UK) whether sending a yr1 to private school is really worthwhile and obviously the opportunity for holidays this year may still be slim. Can you not between you all share the bill for this final year? or ask his mum to find someway to contribute.

You need to take your child out of the prep school and let the other child finish their education because they are at a more critical stage. Your young child can always return to pe at a later stage. Its not ideal but I don't think it's fair that the older child should change schools at this imprtant time especially with covid

OP - I have been in your situation. I have a DSS who, when he was in Lower Sixth, had his DM not working and my DH no longer able to afford school fees. Our business was a victim of the 2009 crash, and was so near to making it, but it was failing more and more each day. So I really do know what you're going through. To make it tougher, DSS had been a "difficult" teenager and was not a particularly academic kid.

DH was beside himself with feeling a failure, and his business loss now affecting DSS. We both knew that if DSS had any chance of success in the future, he needed the educational stability from his school. So I paid 2 terms fees out of what was left of my personal savings, that I had saved prior to marrying DH. I was a civil servant - this money was 2/3 of my then annual income.

It's tough. It's really tough. Giving over that money hurt. But doing it, kind of felt later like I had earned my stripes, moving up to Stepmother Plus level. I've done my time, didn't dodge any bullets, suffered, gone through everything with him and now have the best relationship ever with him. I love him to bits, I think he's a wonderful young man.

I'm not sure if his DM ever knew that it was me that paid, but DH does. And he's never forgotten. We're in a better place now financially (the business never recovered) but DH managed to get employment. So it came right in the end.

I guess what I'm saying is that if your DH means everything to you, then do it for him. Think of it as an investment in your family, which of course, includes DSS. You can take pride in everything he achieves, because you will have earned that spot and you'll know deep down, you did the 'right thing'. And more importantly, your DH will know that you did that for him - for his eldest child, and if he's anything like my DH that's not something he'll forget.

Speak to the school and say you are really struggling, perhaps you can get a bursary. Meanwhile send your dd to state school until dss finishes college, though do remember university isn't free, you'll need to fund approx £2500 a year towards living costs for term time (assuming he takes the tuition loan and gets minimum maintenance loan) plus unless he's 50/50 in the holidays some money for his mum.

The time to vary the court order was when the business went bust and you lost your house which I do sympathise with, that must have been hard. The court would have sympathised at that point. To vary it now, they'd simply say there is money for his private school fees because your own child is in private school.

There's no contest here. Downsize if needed, take your younger child out of private school and pay out the rest of your DSS school fees. He's disadvantaged enough by Covid and pulling him out now would be disastrous. Not to mention the penalty your husband could face if his ex takes him to court for the money.

You may have to face facts that if things don't massively improve for you financially then you cant afford private school for your own child. There's a lot of belt tightening going on in the world right now.

If this was an ongoing situation the time to have made the move would have been after y11 as he went into 6th form. At that point you chose instead to enrol your very young children in a preprep. Your DH wants his older son to complete his education. Your younger child will be able to tap back into private education later. My DS started at prep but has friends who started at various stages as in year admissions in y5, y7 regular or in year admission and y9 entry and 6th form.

You have to ignore anything that his Ex spends her money on. That is up to her. Does she even know your DH can't afford to pay. If she did maybe they would chip in. My husband did actually offer to pay for my son his DSS to go private so you can't make assumptions that your stepson's step dad would not if need be.

Have you actually spoken to his Ex about your financial difficulties?

I think there are a lot of different issues all rolled into one.

To sacrifice another year of holidays so DSS can stay and finish his A levels is not a huge ask, but what are his plans after school? Will they expect you to pay for university?

I’m worried about your future plans. What will you do if the business doesn’t pan out? Do you think maybe now is a better time to put the business on the back burner and look for other jobs?

I don’t blame you for being sick with worry. Money problems are so hard.

I think you need to keep the older one in school

Are there suitable primary options? If so I would go for that for a couple of years and build up DD's savings account in lieu. If not keep them both in, can you move in with relatives That will free up more cash for fees

A business loss isn't anything to do with the ex wife though is it?

Has she been asked if she would contribute to her son's education?

But you have the solution-take your daughter out!

I think deep down you know you have to pull your DC from pre-prep but even that won’t compensate for the DSS’ fees. Senior school fees are typically much higher so you will have to make further sacrifices. That must be very hard for you and I feel for you.

Longer term though, I would echo a PP, are your business plans really viable? Can one of you get paid employment elsewhere to alleviate the financial pressure?

It really doesn’t sound like you can afford private education for any child but I think the right thing to do is to try to see DSS through his A levels.
And then separately later work out if you can afford to restart down the private school route with your DC.

Your DH sounds very much like a friend of mine who is what I would call all fur coat and nae knickers... It was essential to him that his children went to the right schools, even though they couldn't afford it as a family. When they split up, there was no way his Ex could afford fees for 3 children but he had it written into the agreement that he had to agree any schooling change. He's been paying 3 lots of fees forever and Ex is now remarried and comfortably off... But that's not her fault, it's her XH's for being such a snobby dick in the first place.

You sent your DC to school based on a wish and a promise. That's on you and your DH. I get that it's easier to blame the XW for that and I completely understand the resentment, but you both sent your own child to school when you didn't have the money for the fees. Own that and move on.

Agree with most others. Leave step son where he is till he's finished his a levels.
No need for private pre school
You could buy a house with the fees when he's finished.

@katy1213

It sounds like the ex-wife should be thinking about finding a job; it's not your responsibility to be worrying about her son's education. What happens when he goes to university? Your daughter will do fine at a state school. It's mad to pay school fees when you don't even own your own home.

It is her husband's responsibility though. Court ordered and presumably in place before they had a child.

You said you can afford one but not both. Do you mean you can afford one currently or you could only continue to afford one if you downsized etc etc?

Based on your OP, I think you were foolish to choose a private primary for your DC. You can't afford it and you must have known that a term ago and when you signed up for it and turned down your state school place. It might be harder to secure an in-year place at your preferred state school but that is what you should now do, for R-Y2 at least.

Taking the DSS out, with one year to go, would be disruptive, unkind and unnecessary, given the above.

At least you can't be going on hols at the moment anyway, so you're not missing out on anything there!

It would be really disastrous for your DSS to change schools now. It would really fuck up his grades and potentially his whole future.

On the other hand, it will make absolutely no difference to your young DC. And if your financial situation improves you can always send your DC to private school for secondary.

Talk to the school, if you all put in an income statement they can sort out who pays what.
Then they will look at maybe a bursary or hardship fund for his last year.
you really can't tke him out of school now, unless it's an unavoidable emergency.

If finances are so rocky why put your small DC in private? Surely the fees for the year could have gone some way to paying the year 13 fees of DSS.

It’s not fair for you to have to make extreme sacrifices to send DSS to private school, but you really are at the final hurdle so it would be unfair to pull him out now. I would have more sympathy if you hadn’t decided to send your own DC to private too. It really doesn’t make sense.

Talking to the school and claiming financial hardship whilst simultaneously putting other child into private education doesn't really work...

Agree with most pps that you need to keep DSS at his school. It would be super harsh to pull him out in his last year of A levels. It's one more year, after that make it clear you can't contribute the same amount to uni if he goes.

Your DD doesn't need to be at a private pre-prep and it doesn't sound like you can afford to send her even after DSS finishes. A child would probably appreciate holidays and a bigger bedroom more than going to a private school. Most people go to state schools and do completely fine!

OP, I completely understand how you're feeling. It is unfair that a the ex-wife does nothing. But equally, as far as I can see you still haven't got a job either.

Pulling the DSS out n ow would be cruel - you knew what cards were on the table when you got together with DH. Even without the financial loss I feel like this was already a bit of an issue for you beforehand.

I get a DSS may feel different to your own DC. BUT considering the last year, pulling DSS out now would be impossibly cruel. His GCSEs were already fucked and now you want to ruin your A-levels?

Your DC does not need a private primary. Send her for senior school, like a lot of people do.

Tough luck about holidays - my parents didn't have a holiday from when I was 4 to when I was 21 so they could fund be going to a private school and university (so I wouldn't need a job). Get over that. If holidays mean so much don't send your child to a private school.

OP it seems like you’re channelling a lot of bitterness and resentment towards the ex wife. But it’s not her fault that your DH suffered a business loss. It’s nothing to do with her. If it was truly the business loss that has made private school unaffordable then (I) why didn’t you try to vary the court order at that point and (2) why did you enrol your daughter in private school? It’s obviously the impact of both fees that’s causing the issues here and the solution, as you say in your OP, is to pay only one set of fees - for your DSS.

Whilst I’m totally against private schools, in this instance the priority should be that the DSS completes his education in the school where he already is - whether that be private or state. The disruption of having to move schools at this stage in his education is huge and it will impact on him significantly.

Removing your DD from her private school at such a young age will have almost no impact on her. That is what you need to do in the short term. Going to court to dispute who pays the fees for DSS would, in itself, cost you a significant amount too!

If neither your DH or ex have the income to send him they need to speak to the school as there may well be bursaries available for such an instance.

Overall, it seems like you’re living an unrealistic lifestyle - private education + renting your home seems to be an anachronism.