Holidays

[harryclr]

DP and I have argued a few times now about holidays.

We have a 7month old and he has a 5yr old DD from a previous relationship. I have expressed that whilst our baby is still young I'd like to go on a couple of more grown up breaks before he gets too old and our holidays have completely changed and are 100% revolved around children. Due to Covid we missed out on our baby moon and my birthday trip to Lisbon.

Is this selfish of me? I just think it would be nice to have time just us and our baby, as he doesn't speak or walk or have wants we are still able to go on a city break for example where he can be in the pram etc. A 5 year old needs constant entertaining and attention and the holiday completely changes. We can also be more intimate and affectionate and have more interesting/adult conversation when a 5yr old isn't around.

Does anyone think it's unreasonable of me?

He called me selfish and 'evil' and insists I want to leave his DD out and exclude her. He gets instantly defensive whenever I suggest anything, almost anything at all without her. He even went as far as to tell me where to go if I don't like it...I never said I never want to go on a family holiday, I am merely saying we have the opportunity at the moment to do a couple of different trips before our holidays are water parks, zoos and chips!

Is it selfish and unfair to just ask for some balance and compromise in this blended family?

I would only ever suggest to go away when DD is at her mums also, she is also at school.

Thanks x

@sassbott

When I was still with my exDP, his children went through an out and out phase of completely shutting down around me and completely ignoring me. There was a change in them almost overnight and at the time it was hard to pinpoint why. But in essence their mother was completely non supportive of any form of a relationship with me.

I spoke to two professionals about it. Both advised me, in no uncertain terms to back off from the children as they were clearly struggling with loyalty conflicts. The more I read up on it, I very quickly realised that the more I tried/ was warm/ kind, it actually made it worse for the children. And put them under more conflict, my heart goes out to them. It’s not of their doing and as many have said on here, there is absolutely nothing I can do to remove that internal conflict.

So I ended up removing myself almost entirely from contact. So that the children could fully enjoy their time with their NR parent - without feeling conflicted. It categorically was the beginning of the end, because it was the start of my knowing that the best thing for these kids, was just being with their dad. With no other person playing ‘mummy.’

I am fortunate that I had not already moved in with their dad/ set up home, so logistically there was very little to unravel. But have no doubts, there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change that dynamic. The only person who could have done so was their mother, and I think she’d rather set herself on fire before she accepts anyone else having any form of relationship with her children.

You sound thoughtful and considerate. Many step mothers on here either fall into the camp of I resent my SC and hate them being around, OR I want the SC to be part of MY perfect new house and family, (following my rules of course as it’s MY house), but they won’t do that even though I’m bending over backwards for them, why are SCs so horrible???? Very few seem to put themselves in the child’s shoes and take a lead from them in how to be present in their life. I suspect most children would like the SM to be like a kind aunt or neighbour - friendly and around but not in charge of them, and willing to give them space to spend time on their own with their father. It’s a pity your relationship had to end as I suspect you would have been like that.

You sound thoughtful and considerate.
Many step mothers on here either fall into the camp of I resent my SC and hate them being around, OR I want the SC to be part of MY perfect new house and family, (following my rules of course as it’s MY house), but they won’t do that even though I’m bending over backwards for them, why are SCs so horrible????
I strive for the kind and considerate camp and think that’s mostly where I stay, but I’ve definitely also been in the other two camps for spells at various times. It really is a rollercoaster as there are so many factors at play.

I still maintain the rp and nrp have a massive impact on relationships other adults have with their children.
Example:
My dsc needed a laptop for homeschooling as there mum was struggling. Dp and their mum were not helping and so I offered my old laptop to be borrowed at their house. Which they have done. NOT A WORD OF THANKS from anyone.
Rude, and therefore I now will not be offering to assist again if asked and if I was not a nice person I'd ask for the device back.
Not the children's fault but it ends up impacting them and our relationship iswim. This x 100 examples causes step parnwts to be resentful and its the parnwts of the children's fault in most cases.

Many step mothers on here either fall into the camp of I resent my SC and hate them being around, OR I want the SC to be part of MY perfect new house and family, (following my rules of course as it’s MY house), but they won’t do that even though I’m bending over backwards for them, why are SCs so horrible????
Very few seem to put themselves in the child’s shoes and take a lead from them in how to be present in their life. I suspect most children would like the SM to be like a kind aunt or neighbour - friendly and around but not in charge of them, and willing to give them space to spend time on their own with their father.

@Coronawireless I suspect a lot of step mums would actually prefer the role of kind aunt or neighbour (which is usually the expectation placed upon step dads tbh.

I think the issues you mention in your first paragraph often arise because the NRP thinks that's not good enough and wants to push the motherly role. Or RP feels threatened even by the aunt role. Or a combo of both. Step mum can't please everyone so eventually ends up in camp A (resentment) or camp B (trying to live up to those expectations but the only way she can tolerate it is to insist on having MY house rules).

Of course it's also possible that C applies - the SM herself is a piece of work in which case the NRP should be taking responsibility for bringing that into his DC's lives. What's hard about being a SM is people constantly assuming C is the default position.

I'm firmly in agreement that issues are rarely the fault of the DSC themselves.

I'm firmly in agreement that issues are rarely the fault of the DSC themselves

It’s the adults around them that cultivate the shit situation. None of the kids asked to be in that position. Yet all the adults can choose to be in it.

@Seasaltyhair yes all the adults can choose, but unfortunately a step parent is unavoidably in that catch22 of not being able to meet the DCs until you're sure your relationship is serious, so by the time you do meet the DC and figured out what you're up against it's much harder to walk away from it all. It's like any relationship I guess, the right thing is often easy to do on paper but much more difficult once emotions come into it.

@Coronawireless thank you.

The issue though is far more nuanced. I’ve described all of the above very simply from the child’s perspective and the choices I simply feel I had to make. As an adult, it was a throughly awful rollercoaster to go through, on so many fronts.

My mental and emotional health took a battering.
The arguments between my ex and myself were super difficult. My wanting to remove myself vs. his notion of family (viewing my actions as rejection of his children). It was deeply divisive.
His own unhealthy behaviours that would pivot to over compensate with his children (whilst fully expecting me and my children to accept a two tier system when his kids were around). Essentially expecting all needs to pivot to his children and because my children were ‘ok’, a sense of ‘they’ll understand’. Errrr, no, they won’t.

I can be thoughtful and considerate for two reasons. Firstly he never lived with me. Secondly, I managed to emotionally reconcile that my priority was my own health and my own children.
And by doing so, I recognised that any substantial involvement with his children would be detrimental overall to my life.

That wasn’t the SC fault, they were innocent. But the situation around them was awful and not my problem to resolve. I would have loved to have been someone pottering in the background and having very little to do with any of it. But the reality is very different.

It’s very hard to be warm, welcoming and yet detached, when effectively children come into your home (that you pay for entirely) and they reject you/ are rude/ have behavioural issues/ are entitled. No one else, in any walk of life would be welcome into my home if they consistently did any of the above. However it’s it SC, not only should they be allowed, the SM should know why they’re doing it, make allowances. And be the bigger person.

What? Over my dead body.
If my children were rude, it would be dealt with immediately and robustly, by me. I would not expect anyone to host my children and put up with poor behaviour. And yet as soon as it’s a SM/ SC situation, I should?

No. It ended up effectively with my saying I never wanted my home to me the home to these children. Trust me, a lot of people would not view that stance as thoughtful and considerate.

Do I think it’s worked out better for my exp’s children this way? Yes. I do. Their mother has less ammunition to mess with, by my removing myself and my children, she has a lot less havoc she can cause which one turn means a quieter life for the children.

Ultimately though? There’s only been one true ‘winner’ in this. And that is the exwife. Because she has effectively prevented her exh setting up a new home with a new partner and (for now) removed the threat of another woman being in her children’s lives.

I could (and would) have been a lovely hands off, supportive adult in these children’s lifes. They would have bonded with me just fine (and they did in the early days of us meeting). But that bond could not be sustained. And it had nothing to do with me

But the period between them ignoring me and my finally saying no more? 2 1/2 years and that period? Horrific. I felt like the worlds most awful woman for feeling how I did. I found being around the children exceptionally stressful.

Now? Now I wish I could travel back in time to that woman, gave words and save myself 30 months of angst and forcing myself to be a ‘better person.’

It's shit isn't it @sassbott, especially when people judge you based on the end result they're seeing and not everything it took to get to that point.

I wish I'd known 4 years ago what I know now.
I'm not in a dissimilar position myself sassbott as it's my home, owned solely and outright by me, but the difference is ds if the dsc half sibling. Which makes it harder.
The fact the home is clean heated and children fed somthibg not just pizza and coke is down to me. But is that good enough for dp and exw... U mm... Not really... as they think the children need their own rooms and i should fund this. No I won't.
If dp needs bigger accommodation he needs to sort his finances out properly.
I will happily share living costs with a partner but I am not a free ride.

Hi all.

@mycatehateseverybody: "Your optimism makes sense on paper if you've not lived through the unique set of dynamics that step parenting brings."

i do have experience in step family dynamics - quiet a bit in fact. i think someone else asked about that before, and chose not to reply because that ultimately brings a bias to our conversation. i also curiously watched the responses given to @LaraLuce earlier when she said she was a mom of two, and also was dealing with children who had difficult family environments. Someone suggested they could listen to her but not promise not to laugh at her thoughts. Perhaps she could have brought in a valuable perspective from the SCs who are struggling with conflicts. You are doing OP no favours - only that she may find comfort that other SM are all thinking the same way as her. The world doesnt work that way - her DH and young SC also deserve a voice here. Black & white thinking is what leads to resentment and ultimately divorce.

I am yet to read a single comment from a self-declared SM on this thread saying there is hope to achieve positive step-family dynamics and what advise on what can an SM do to help with this (in addition to other members of the family). The closest we came to it were hopes for a "kind aunt or neighbour role", and just removing yourself as much far away as possible basically. Do you see absolutely nothing wrong with this picture?

@Balabomy well the reason you may be lacking more perspective is a few reasons.

1. people tend to only post here when they are in more challenging situations. If people aren’t struggling with breastfeeding etc then they’re unlikely to be turning to a breastfeeding forum for support. So the SM’a with more ‘moderate’ situations potentially aren’t even on here
2. I am by nature a problem solver. There is no problem where a solution cannot be found (is my mantra). The situation with my exp / his EXW and their children? I could not resolve. Nothing I did changed a thing. Why? Because their mother would not give these children permission to enjoy their time away from her. The children are older now and even now they told me that they get a sit down interrogation from their mum demanding to know who they saw/ what they did/ what they ate/ watched/ what time they went to bed/ did they do a poo (not kidding). She also physically examines them (by insisting she bathe them) and checks their urine output to see whether they are hydrated enough. She also tells them how sad she was and how much she missed them. On FaceTimes with my ex, she refuses to leave them to talk in private and poor children are completely closed down.

I find all of the above horrific. Absolutely adjectly horrific. But as a SM, what is it you propose I do to rectify that? It may be an extreme example granted, but there are lots of RP’s operating some levels of manipulation around their children.
3) I don’t find any perspectives helpful. Want to know why? Because wider society already gives SM’s those in spades. About what we should do. It’s BS.
4) more people need to hear from the professionals working in this space, none of whom advocate ‘blending’ or trying to treat children ‘equally’. It’s a non starter and setting people up for failure.
5) peoples feelings are valid. End of. Many times the example has been given that if a mother posts about how hard she’s finding things etc etc, huge amounts of support and empathy come flooding in. Not on this board. If you are a SM struggling and you voice feeling resentful, angry, upset - they’re virtually lynched by posters on here (trying to give perspective). Why don’t they go onto another board and give perspective and tell mothers suffering from depression their experiences of dealing with children / being the child of a depressed mother. Think that would help the mother or exacerbate the guilt she feels on top of crushing depression?

Only here on this thread do mnetters rewrite the rules.

Further to point 2. The issues caused by RP’s (largely mothers) needs to be discussed at a much wider societal level and addressed. On this board especially.
The answer to dealing with this does not lie with teaching SM’s ‘strategies’ to cope. It lies with teaching mothers how much damage they are wreaking first and foremost on their own children either through pA or entitlement. In order to wreak havoc in the exh’s home.

i do have experience in step family dynamics - quiet a bit in fact
Your experience is as a SC, and that certainly counts as experience of a step family, but PP suggested that you lack experience of personally being a step parent.
I wouldn’t presume to know what it’s like to be a step child, I have never been one. Step parenting is what I know about, because I am one. You can only strive to try to understand the other side of the coin if you haven’t lived it.

It’s very hard to be warm, welcoming and yet detached, when effectively children come into your home (that you pay for entirely) and they reject you/ are rude/ have behavioural issues/ are entitled. No one else, in any walk of life would be welcome into my home if they consistently did any of the above. However it’s it SC, not only should they be allowed, the SM should know why they’re doing it, make allowances. And be the bigger person.

Absolutely.

And yet apparently wanting any control over your own home or feeling resentful that you have none make you awful.

It’s very easy to vilify SMs without really considering quite how stressful it is to live like that.

I certainly hadn’t anticipated how much harder everything would be when it all happened in my home. When it was just occasionally visiting my husband’s house, I could ignore or tolerate many of his children’s dreadful behaviour because it wasn’t my home. I was a visitor and I could go home at any time. I could take my child home too. I neither expected nor wanted any control over things because it wasn’t my home.

When DH moved in to my house, it was very different. I no longer had a safe, comfortable other house to escape to. Neither did my sons. And it’s much harder to smile and nod at things you fundamentally disagree with happening to your things. I didn’t want the DSC scooting around the house, banging into things, making cooking dangerous, for example. It wasn’t ok for them to go into my sons’ rooms, take their things and break them. It wasn’t ok for them to scream and prevent my sons from being able to hear the tv. It wasn’t ok that my sons had to say please and thank you while the DSC just shouted ‘I want... NOW’.

At the same time, DH seemed to shift to expecting me to be some sort of mother to his kids. It seems marriage meant that I must take on that role in his mind. But they don’t want a sort of mother. They won’t do what I ask them to. And DH doesn’t actually like it if I try to do what a mother would do and impose rules or whatever.

Moving to a bigger, co-owned house didn’t alleviate that; things deteriorated. DH’s ex behaved dreadfully, denying contact because she was unhappy he’d moved on, bought a house, and we were having a baby. So he got scared of upsetting his children ever as it might give his ex ammunition. And she’d try to interfere in basic aspects of my home life (seriously she tried to insist that DSD should always choose what everyone ate and that we had to organise dinner the way she wanted it done and so on).

All of a sudden, it wasn’t just about learning to live together such that compromise on all sides (or at least all adult sides) was possible. No. I lived in a house where DH’s ex had inordinate amounts of control, directly (in threats to withdraw contact if X didn’t happen - where X was usually something petty like the kids being allowed to eat in front of the tv or not given broccoli) and via her children (in so many ways, and especially through the really strong loyalty bind she’s created in DSD). And where my husband was terrified he’d not see his children so he became ever more permissive and scared of them being upset by anything. And so that goes on and on. The kids (especially DSD) know he’s easily manipulated and that they can lie to their mum and she’ll cause trouble.

DSD also decided (influenced by all this) that she is going to get rid of me so her mum can come and live with dad in this much bigger house. So her behaviour is just lovely. If she accidentally has a nice time with me there, she feels so guilty that she doubles down on the horrible stuff.

Thing is, none of this is my SK’s fault. They are really not very pleasant children (their father doesn’t like their behaviour or attitudes or find it enjoyable to spend time with them because of it). And I have given up any hope of a positive relationship with them. I just try to step back and have as minimal impact on them as possible. They could be lovely children, but the dynamic between their parents (which was equally awful the entire short marriage it seems) and how it shapes all the relationships in this house, is making them extremely difficult and unlikeable. Their parents are failing them. And they’re failing me.

If you look at the current situation, it might look like just another failing SM. Clearly I’m just not warm or caring enough. And I’m just not seeing it from their POV enough and trying to meet their needs. And so on. And I should see them as ‘my children’ and treat them as if they were mine. And so on.

But actually I am enormously successful in the only thing within my control. I am great at ensuring that my sons can have a positive relationship with DH. I don’t expect unreasonable things of him and let him have an easy fun uncle type role. I adjust my parenting based on DH’s needs in all sorts of ways. And, to his credit, my ex succeeds here too. He doesn’t interfere or kick off and he has made it emotionally possible for DS to like DH without feeling disloyal. In fact, the only person who ever negatively affects that is DH (who will try to talk negatively about my ex - because he’s seemingly unable to just accept that part of my life is forever over and I have no need to be angry at my ex, despite him doing all sorts of awful things).

It’s bloody hard to be a SM. Especially when the SC’s parents are failing at being part of a stepfamily. I can have some influence with my husband. But there’s nothing I can do about his ex.

If you look at the current situation, it might look like just another failing SM. Clearly I’m just not warm or caring enough. And I’m just not seeing it from their POV enough and trying to meet their needs
Apparently you are supposed to keep pouring more time/attention/love into them because surely it will be alright in the end? Who cares if you end up a broken woman with nothing left in the tank for your own DC or, heaven forbid, yourself?

@Balabomy I don't know what it's like to be a man even though I live with one. I don't know what it feels like to be a parent even though I'm a step parent and have (obviously!) been a child once myself. If you've never been an actual step parent all you can do is make your best guess as to how you would feel in that position.

For a while I rented a room in a house where the live-in landlord had his 8 & 12 yo DDs on a week on week off pattern. We all got on amazingly well and I genuinely enjoyed it when they stayed.There was little reason for me to assume things would be wildly different when I met my DH but throw in the dynamics of disney parenting and a hostile ex and it was hell. If DH and I ever divorce I will never, ever date a man with children again, not because of the children but because I would actually have a fair idea what I was getting into this time!

I am yet to read a single comment from a self-declared SM on this thread saying there is hope to achieve positive step-family dynamics and what advise on what can an SM do to help with this (in addition to other members of the family). The closest we came to it were hopes for a "kind aunt or neighbour role", and just removing yourself as much far away as possible basically. Do you see absolutely nothing wrong with this picture?

We can both see what is wrong with the picture but where we differ is in where we attribute the main cause and therefore, where the solution lies. This absolutely shows that you are still viewing these issues through the lens of assuming the SM has an element of control over those around her. We have repeated said this applies specifically to cases where you're dealing with opposition/hostility from one or both parents, e.g if they are refusing to give their children "permission" to bond with their SM. When that's the case there is literally nothing a SM can do but step back and wait.

I actually started out with an excellent relationship with my DSC until their mother started bad mouthing us - coincidentally this started just after DH and I got married and her own DP had refused to marry her. My DSC are now young adults and we get on great again. But not because of anything I did or didn't do. I just stepped back and weathered the storm. Had I been "allowed" to stay close to my DSC throughout then that would have been my preference.

@KumquatSalad

It’s very hard to be warm, welcoming and yet detached, when effectively children come into your home (that you pay for entirely) and they reject you/ are rude/ have behavioural issues/ are entitled. No one else, in any walk of life would be welcome into my home if they consistently did any of the above. However it’s it SC, not only should they be allowed, the SM should know why they’re doing it, make allowances. And be the bigger person.

Absolutely.

And yet apparently wanting any control over your own home or feeling resentful that you have none make you awful.

It’s very easy to vilify SMs without really considering quite how stressful it is to live like that.

I certainly hadn’t anticipated how much harder everything would be when it all happened in my home. When it was just occasionally visiting my husband’s house, I could ignore or tolerate many of his children’s dreadful behaviour because it wasn’t my home. I was a visitor and I could go home at any time. I could take my child home too. I neither expected nor wanted any control over things because it wasn’t my home.

When DH moved in to my house, it was very different. I no longer had a safe, comfortable other house to escape to. Neither did my sons. And it’s much harder to smile and nod at things you fundamentally disagree with happening to your things. I didn’t want the DSC scooting around the house, banging into things, making cooking dangerous, for example. It wasn’t ok for them to go into my sons’ rooms, take their things and break them. It wasn’t ok for them to scream and prevent my sons from being able to hear the tv. It wasn’t ok that my sons had to say please and thank you while the DSC just shouted ‘I want... NOW’.

At the same time, DH seemed to shift to expecting me to be some sort of mother to his kids. It seems marriage meant that I must take on that role in his mind. But they don’t want a sort of mother. They won’t do what I ask them to. And DH doesn’t actually like it if I try to do what a mother would do and impose rules or whatever.

Moving to a bigger, co-owned house didn’t alleviate that; things deteriorated. DH’s ex behaved dreadfully, denying contact because she was unhappy he’d moved on, bought a house, and we were having a baby. So he got scared of upsetting his children ever as it might give his ex ammunition. And she’d try to interfere in basic aspects of my home life (seriously she tried to insist that DSD should always choose what everyone ate and that we had to organise dinner the way she wanted it done and so on).

All of a sudden, it wasn’t just about learning to live together such that compromise on all sides (or at least all adult sides) was possible. No. I lived in a house where DH’s ex had inordinate amounts of control, directly (in threats to withdraw contact if X didn’t happen - where X was usually something petty like the kids being allowed to eat in front of the tv or not given broccoli) and via her children (in so many ways, and especially through the really strong loyalty bind she’s created in DSD). And where my husband was terrified he’d not see his children so he became ever more permissive and scared of them being upset by anything. And so that goes on and on. The kids (especially DSD) know he’s easily manipulated and that they can lie to their mum and she’ll cause trouble.

DSD also decided (influenced by all this) that she is going to get rid of me so her mum can come and live with dad in this much bigger house. So her behaviour is just lovely. If she accidentally has a nice time with me there, she feels so guilty that she doubles down on the horrible stuff.

Thing is, none of this is my SK’s fault. They are really not very pleasant children (their father doesn’t like their behaviour or attitudes or find it enjoyable to spend time with them because of it). And I have given up any hope of a positive relationship with them. I just try to step back and have as minimal impact on them as possible. They could be lovely children, but the dynamic between their parents (which was equally awful the entire short marriage it seems) and how it shapes all the relationships in this house, is making them extremely difficult and unlikeable. Their parents are failing them. And they’re failing me.

If you look at the current situation, it might look like just another failing SM. Clearly I’m just not warm or caring enough. And I’m just not seeing it from their POV enough and trying to meet their needs. And so on. And I should see them as ‘my children’ and treat them as if they were mine. And so on.

But actually I am enormously successful in the only thing within my control. I am great at ensuring that my sons can have a positive relationship with DH. I don’t expect unreasonable things of him and let him have an easy fun uncle type role. I adjust my parenting based on DH’s needs in all sorts of ways. And, to his credit, my ex succeeds here too. He doesn’t interfere or kick off and he has made it emotionally possible for DS to like DH without feeling disloyal. In fact, the only person who ever negatively affects that is DH (who will try to talk negatively about my ex - because he’s seemingly unable to just accept that part of my life is forever over and I have no need to be angry at my ex, despite him doing all sorts of awful things).

It’s bloody hard to be a SM. Especially when the SC’s parents are failing at being part of a stepfamily. I can have some influence with my husband. But there’s nothing I can do about his ex.

But honestly, you had so much warning. Yet you still went ahead and moved in with your partner. And now you’re trying to impose rules on your SCs that are clearly different to the rules they’re used to at home. Because it’s YOUR house (it’s not! It’s everyone’s. Including your SCs).

Yes @Coronawireless.

The problem here is only me. And I should have foreseen it all.

And how could I possibly dare to imagine that it’s my house. Or that in a house, the adults set the rules anyway. It’s the DSC’s house first and foremost. I should just be ever grateful that I am allowed to be in their presence.

It’s not in any way possible that my husband and his ex are a problem.

I hope you go on DV threads to tell them that they should have seen it coming. They had plenty of notice. And yes, it is his house. Not yours.

And threads where a husband has had an affair. Or where it turns our he’s an alcoholic. And so on.

Because clearly it’s just us evil stepmothers who have no empathy.

Plus as it’s the DSC’s house, my kids can just suck up having their stuff taken and broken. Because otherwise I’m imposing rules and not recognising that DH’s ex’s parenting choices are the ones that must apply everywhere.

She thinks so. But apparent she is the only adult who should get a say.

I hope you go on DV threads to tell them that they should have seen it coming. They had plenty of notice. And yes, it is his house. Not yours.

Could you even imagine? I knew someone who once said her ex partner slapped her and had on occasion frightened her. She then went onto marry said man and have children with him. The marriage broke down and she then stated all sorts.
Not once, ever, did anyone say to her. Well you say he slapped you pre marriage and pre children. Why on earth did you stay with him and not only that, but pro-create with him? Nope.
Never ending amounts of empathy and support.

I am yet to read a single comment from a self-declared SM on this thread saying there is hope to achieve positive step-family dynamics and what advise on what can an SM do to help with this (in addition to other members of the family). The closest we came to it were hopes for a "kind aunt or neighbour role", and just removing yourself as much far away as possible basically. Do you see absolutely nothing wrong with this picture?

There is a bit of irony in here, which I think explains why you cannot see the other side. I am not without hope and do believe I am advocating for a positive step parent dynamic, but it is the one you have described here as "wrong". I don't see anything wrong with the kind aunt role (I would say neighbour is too distant for comparison, but then I don't know my neighbours!)

I think on balance, that should be a very positive outcome for all involved. I don't see why the alternative- having a "parent" role, should be viewed as the most positive outcome.

*You love your baby best.
Your DH loves his two children equally. Exactly the same. Forever and ever. And good for him! Get used to it

Weirdest Hallmark card ever.*

😂😂

@LouJ85

**You love your baby best. Your DH loves his two children equally. Exactly the same. Forever and ever. And good for him! Get used to it*

Weirdest Hallmark card ever.*

😂😂

There’s probably a big market for some ‘know your place’ stepmother cards. I can imagine my MIL sending them.

Voila.