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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Lies

49 replies

sickasfuck · 30/12/2020 23:24

Need advice!! I'm new to this but I can't hold this in any longer!

My partner has 3 kids 2 girls 1 boy. Oldest it 10 soon to be 11... and the youngest is 3 soon to be 4

The oldest doesn't want to come to our house anymore and we don't know why. We've asked. And we get the usual "I don't know" but she point blank refuses. Her mam says she doesn't get to spend time with her boyfriend which is fair coz we all need a break.

However, I had a baby 6 month ago with my partner. She's tube fed with very bad acid reflux to the point of throwing after every feed. Very demanding very tiring and extremely stressful. I've been in and out of hospital with the baby during the entire pandemic on my own dealing with everything. She had a heart operation at 6 weeks old! I had to deal with that on my own. I haven't had a break for 6 month because I can't have a break... call me selfish? I don't know maybe. But when my partner says "well she never gets a break from the kids" rubs me up the wrong fucking way!

Anyway getting off track... his eldest came every weekend strangely enough when I was in the hospital with the baby. She plays the "my belly's hurting" she lies all the time. We don't know what to believe any more.
She hasn't been for the last 4/5 weeks. She came Christmas Day, throughout the day she was dropping hints that she felt sick had bellyache. We ordered a takeaway on the night, while she's eating a Parmo she's crying that her belly hurts... yup... WHILE SHES EATING A PARMO!!!

Does she need the hospital? Is she lying? What do we do? We ask her and her response was "I don't know what I'm saying it's really hurts!" (Still eating Parmo)

I have no time for it, am I in the wrong? I feel like me and my baby are the problem? Is it jealousy? We try and involve her in everything we do, but she just refuses.

I'm waiting for the day that she says it's me, I'm the reason she doesn't want to come, then what happens? Me and my partner split up? It's starting to make me really anxious when she comes. If she does.

My partner says she brings more drama when she's here and makes a situation 10x worse than it should be! How do we deal with this? Everyone has asked her why. And everyone gets the same answer "she doesn't know".

Now what?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/12/2020 23:49

Your post is a bit all over the place, but the point seems that you 10 yo SD says her tummy is hurting and she did it while eating a parmo (I don't know what that is) and you don't seem to believe her.

I wouldn't assume she's lying...maybe when she starts you can quietly take your baby off to another room...or go and have a lie down and leave him to deal with it.

If you weren't there wouldn't he know what to do?

As a new mum you don't need additional stress...so just step back and let him parent his children. Hopefully he doesn't rely on you to run round after them with cooking etc.

Bambi1222 · 30/12/2020 23:59

It could be anything op. Could be anxiety causing stomach aches? Has your OH bothered to take her doctors before people think she is a liar. She isn't doing it to cause you problems whatever it is op can't you see that. She's just a little girl even if she is making it up there is a reason. If you don't want to deal with it which I understand your baby needs you. But don't blame her as medical/ emotional nothing in your post suggests either parent gives a fuck. Your OH says she causes drama/ her mum needs a break. FFS.

Bambi1222 · 31/12/2020 00:03

And to answer your question you deal with it by getting her parents to rule out any underlying medical issue causing it. If it isn't medical you then figure out then emotional issue causing it. Feelings diary, private chats and not making her come if she doesn't want to with you there her father can take her out for the day if it is you being there causing this and give her mother a break. Rule out bullying online or at school. Rule out her worrying about covid. Etc

Embracelife · 31/12/2020 00:05

She s 10
She doesnt knows how to explain what s going on
Jealousy anxiety puberty genuine pain
Ask do to take her to gp or gef a video appt or to speak to her school
Maybe she will open up to a teacher

inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/food-and-drink/parmo-what-middlesbrough-teeside-recipe-208803

negomi90 · 31/12/2020 00:05

Kids get tummy pain. Its very common, sometimes its caused by a medical problem, other times its due to stress or anxiety (the pain is real even if a psychological cause). Her eating through it doesn't mean she's lying.
She's also had a lot of upheaval - covid, and a new sick baby are all a big deal to a 10 year old. Either there is a medical issue or an unmet attention/emotional/psychological need.

Original poster
sickasfuck · 31/12/2020 00:12

She doesn't do it when she's at her mams tho? She only does it when she's here.

We've asked if she wants to go to the doctors, she's refuses. We've given her calpol and it doesn't seem to work but having her iPad does?

She's had the private chats, she's had everything. Everything they can possibly think of, they've asked, they've checked her phone for bullies, her mam said she was fine all day Christmas Day.

I'm not blaming her for anything, but when she only says it when she's here makes me a bit suspicious, we're both on good terms with her mam and she's even said she's lying about it.

Her dad has took her out on her own, spent the day with her, took her food. I've had girly nights, hair face mask nails, the chats, the puberty talk the period talk, which I don't think should be my place to do? Shouldn't that be a mam thing?

On a weekend I have 4 kids to look after, 3 of them not mine, I make sure they have clean clothes I cook I do their hair I do everything to make them all feel like this is their house too... the two.

His son used to say that he didn't like his dad all the time, he didn't want to be here, he didn't want to come, he wanted to be with him mam. Until SD stopped coming he's never said it? He even asked to stay another night?

SD knocked on our bedroom door once said her belly was hurting while she had her hair in her mouth. After an hour conversation my OH asked her if she was lying just so she could have her iPad and she said "yes I'm lying"

OP posts:
Original poster
sickasfuck · 31/12/2020 00:16

Made me sound like a really bad person by saying 3 of them not mine, I didn't mean it in that way, but I still look after them. I still make sure they're all ok. I don't single any of them out. Just harder to do things with a new baby

OP posts:
Bambi1222 · 31/12/2020 00:18

She's obviously not coping at yours which is why she doesn't do it at her mum's then. Just because she lied to get the iPad doesn't mean a emotional need is not being met. She doesn't do it at her mum's as she is happy there. Sounds like her mum just wants a break so don't care. And im not sure if your OH is forcing contact so can't comment.

Bambi1222 · 31/12/2020 00:20

Hair in the mouth says she was anxious too. It's making me sad so I'm not going to comment anymore hope you get the answers your looking for. Hope I helped a bit.

Original poster
sickasfuck · 31/12/2020 00:21

Well apparently she just sits in her room at her mams all day every day she doesn't go anywhere with her.
Whereas we take them out for walks and on bike rides n stuff like that.

So you'd think because we do more she'd want to be here?

The first time he'd seen her in 5/6 weeks was Christmas Day, he went to their house after he finished work twice a week to see them and she wouldn't leave her bedroom.

I'm not entirely sure what he has to do to see his own daughter? He never shouts at them, we have rules but who doesn't? The two youngest go to bed at 7 and she stays up with her dad and has movie nights but even that stopped?

OP posts:
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 31/12/2020 00:40

@SandyY2K

Your post is a bit all over the place, but the point seems that you 10 yo SD says her tummy is hurting and she did it while eating a parmo (I don't know what that is) and you don't seem to believe her.

I wouldn't assume she's lying...maybe when she starts you can quietly take your baby off to another room...or go and have a lie down and leave him to deal with it.

If you weren't there wouldn't he know what to do?

As a new mum you don't need additional stress...so just step back and let him parent his children. Hopefully he doesn't rely on you to run round after them with cooking etc.

How do you not know what a Parmo is? Grin
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 31/12/2020 00:42

@sickasfuck I'm not surprised she doesn't want to come, she is 10, she will be wanting to stay at home and talk to her friends, but please don't speak about her in the tone you have.

Original poster
sickasfuck · 31/12/2020 00:46

In the tone that I have?

And in what tone would that be? When I've been more than reasonable to try and help her when it's not for me to do? Or is it?

Don't make me question myself when this is a first for me and I'm asking for advice 😂 she's not my child but still treat her like she's my child?

OP posts:
YouBoughtMeAWall · 31/12/2020 00:47

On a weekend I have 4 kids to look after, 3 of them not mine, I make sure they have clean clothes I cook I do their hair I do everything to make them all feel like this is their house too

Where is their father?

Original poster
sickasfuck · 31/12/2020 00:48

Here... he does ask if I need help and stuff. But I always say no 🤔 probably my own fault. But instead of going "sit down I'll do it" he lets me carry on doing what I'm doing

OP posts:
PastaPins · 31/12/2020 00:53

She's missing her mum.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 31/12/2020 00:54

he does ask if I need help and stuff. But I always say no 🤔 probably my own fault.

Well, yeah! It’s called being a martyr. Doing all the work you don’t need to do just so you can whinge about doing all the work. Just stop doing it. They’re his kids, he need to parent them. You have one you need to be focusing on.

PastaPins · 31/12/2020 00:54

In the tone that I have?

Probably in reference to how angry and aggressive in tone you sound.

Darker · 31/12/2020 01:11

She’s had a very tough year with Covid/schools closed etc, and a half sibling baby who has been poorly, and all sorts going on with her family...

Your partner needs to step up and spend time with her, and perhaps help her to feel more in control.

Could they cook dinner together, or spend time with her baby sister, so that she feels more involved? Maybe she is worried about the baby being unwell. Children don’t always know how to talk about things that are troubling them.

StormBaby · 31/12/2020 02:18

You are dealing with a young child with anxiety here, it’s screamingly obvious. She needs extra over the top time and affection, from you both. I guarantee after a few weeks she’ll be fine

chardonm · 31/12/2020 02:34

What is a parmo?! Seems important.

LovePoppy · 31/12/2020 03:05

Poor thing sounds like shes dealing with a lot of anxiety.

Since when does a child decide when they get to go to a doctor?

Witchymclovely · 31/12/2020 05:45

Op your stressed and so is your SD. Sounds like anxiety. My son has it and it physically manifests in feeling sick, being sick etc. Eating actually helps sometimes so that’s maybe y she can eat the Parmo?!?? ( whatever the ..... that is Confused)

LadyMinerva · 31/12/2020 06:08

Parmo = Parma? .. (Or Parmi if you live anywhere else in Australia than Victoria!)

OP, sounds like she is desperately seeking attention but can't express how or why. So much is going on in her mind and her life. I think all you can really offer is lots of love, patience and understanding.

And her dad needs to step up and be an active parent, not just ask if you want help.

I've been fighting that battle with my DH and his kids because I did not set the boundaries early and wanted everyone to think I was amazing.

Amira19 · 31/12/2020 06:21

A parmo is a thin piece of chicken coated in breadcrumbs cover with Beachampton sauce and topped with cheese, very delicious ( Teessider here)

Op it sounds like she's struggling entering the stage of puberty and had alot of upheaval with covid no to meantion suddenly having a new baby in the house.

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