Lies

[sickasfuck]

Need advice!! I'm new to this but I can't hold this in any longer!

My partner has 3 kids 2 girls 1 boy. Oldest it 10 soon to be 11... and the youngest is 3 soon to be 4

The oldest doesn't want to come to our house anymore and we don't know why. We've asked. And we get the usual "I don't know" but she point blank refuses. Her mam says she doesn't get to spend time with her boyfriend which is fair coz we all need a break.

However, I had a baby 6 month ago with my partner. She's tube fed with very bad acid reflux to the point of throwing after every feed. Very demanding very tiring and extremely stressful. I've been in and out of hospital with the baby during the entire pandemic on my own dealing with everything. She had a heart operation at 6 weeks old! I had to deal with that on my own. I haven't had a break for 6 month because I can't have a break... call me selfish? I don't know maybe. But when my partner says "well she never gets a break from the kids" rubs me up the wrong fucking way!

Anyway getting off track... his eldest came every weekend strangely enough when I was in the hospital with the baby. She plays the "my belly's hurting" she lies all the time. We don't know what to believe any more.
She hasn't been for the last 4/5 weeks. She came Christmas Day, throughout the day she was dropping hints that she felt sick had bellyache. We ordered a takeaway on the night, while she's eating a Parmo she's crying that her belly hurts... yup... WHILE SHES EATING A PARMO!!!

Does she need the hospital? Is she lying? What do we do? We ask her and her response was "I don't know what I'm saying it's really hurts!" (Still eating Parmo)

I have no time for it, am I in the wrong? I feel like me and my baby are the problem? Is it jealousy? We try and involve her in everything we do, but she just refuses.

I'm waiting for the day that she says it's me, I'm the reason she doesn't want to come, then what happens? Me and my partner split up? It's starting to make me really anxious when she comes. If she does.

My partner says she brings more drama when she's here and makes a situation 10x worse than it should be! How do we deal with this? Everyone has asked her why. And everyone gets the same answer "she doesn't know".

Now what?

Sorry about the autocorrect should say bechamel*

She sounds anxious and you sound angry. It’s not a great combination.

I also had no idea what a parmo was. I had to google.

Poor kid. I would say that she is seeing your baby being sick getting your time and energy and is trying to recreate it. You do sound quite arsey and perhaps that is coming across to her too.
I’d take her to drs and explain about tummy aches. I also have never heard of a parmo, that seems to have tipped you over the edge! I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing with comments about her lies, what will that achieve with a child who is clearly struggling?
When your dh offers help, take it. You’re a team not a one woman show.

She sounds like an anxious child who needs extra support to me.

I think she will improve as your baby grows. I would find it stressful to be around a poorly baby - no one's fault but I'd be anxious for it.
I'm sure once baby is sitting up and playing with toys, amusing itself, the older children will want to amuse it. Have a chat with your DP and get him to do hair, get their clean clothes out etc - why teach the kids that only women can do all this?
It's an anxiety thing and should go over time.

Chicken covered in cheese sauce and cheese.

Yeah, kinda like a parma. But a parma has ham and napoli sauce under the cheese, and no bechamel.

Anxiety can cause stomach pain OP.

I think that yabu re the ex. She has 3 children and they have a father who should be having his children a substantial amount of time, so she should be able to have some time "off". Totally different situation to you who has chosen to have a child with their father and no you don't get time off as a mum. In a couple situation, it's your ohs responsibility to share the load, not for the ex to make your life easier.

Welcome to the world of parenting. My lo is 6 now and I can tell you, if I am lucky, outside of school attendance, I have had no time away from my child this year. And before that, merely a handful of days where my child may have been with a relative playing with their children for a few hours. That's parenting.

You seem very insecure from your post. Worried that the child will state you're the root cause. Yet you share no maternal care for the child.

She's now got a new sibling that lives with her father full time. That's a huge transition even if she was living with you ft. Start to show some compassion.

The stomach pain is most likely an outward sign of how she's feeling internally.

You need a crash course in empathy. You embarked upon this and really your needs are at the bottom of the priority list - well should be. I feel so sorry for that little girl, knowing that you have no time or sympathy/empathy for her and that her mum wants he gone for her bf too. So sad.

Wow, an astounding lack of empathy and compassion... from some posters on here!

I'm sorry to derail when you are asking for help with your DSD but this lept out at me

.. he does ask if I need help and stuff. But I always say no 🤔 probably my own fault. But instead of going "sit down I'll do it" he lets me carry on doing what I'm doing

If a daughter or a friend told you that this was happening to them, what would you reply? How would you advise them ?

Have you ever talked to "him" about what you mean when you say "no" to needing help and what you expect from him ?

It comes back round to your DSD: I wonder whether she is now old enough to noticing you martyring yourself while he does (what does he do at this point) nothing.

Maybe that's why she feels anxious.

Maybe it needs an honest conversation between you so that he starts to pull his weight. That would be a good thing regardless and his daughter might feel more comfortable visiting to be patented by him.

Good luck.

@sickasfuck

In the tone that I have?

And in what tone would that be? When I've been more than reasonable to try and help her when it's not for me to do? Or is it?

Don't make me question myself when this is a first for me and I'm asking for advice 😂 she's not my child but still treat her like she's my child?

Hey unfortunately no mater what you say some on here will ridicule you.

This is a page whereby you can come and vent and I think some forget our reasons for being on here.

It’s not easy being a step parent and I’ve come on here in the past to vent too! If your step daughter wants to stay with mum leave her to it. She will eventually come round again.

If learned to keep my opinion re my step son to myself and let my oh get on with it. My step son refuses to stay yet has a great time when he’s with us. There’s lots going on but we now accept it and make the most of the day. X

Op. I say this with kindness. Ignore the unkind comments. You’ve had such a stressful few months with your own baby. Your priority is caring for you and your baby.

Whether this child comes or not is not your issue. Let your partner father his children and bottom this issue out. Detach from the issues (yes the child sounds like she has anxiety but that’s not your job to address or get to the bottom of).

She says she has tummy ache, let her father deal with it. She says she’s lying. Let her father deal with it. You’ll get no thanks trying to do anything different. Look after yourself and your baby.

Caring for a baby with severe reflux is a heart-rendering, exhausting, 24/7 task. They don't generally tube feed unless it's pretty off the scale, so I sincerely feel for you. It sounds like you're at the end of your rope and I don't blame you.

On your SD, and her tummy aches, it sounds like anxiety probably as this year has been all too much to handle and she needs more support than she's getting. It's not at all unusual for a child to struggle when a new sibling comes along and given your poor baby is very poorly maybe there's an element of her reacting to the stress in the household? (even unspoken stress / tension can do this). As another poster said, even the back and forth between homes can make some kids anxious. She's also at that age where puberty might be kicking in and that's a whole other stressor in itself! As for her being fine at her Mum's it's not unusual for these things to play out in only one household.

I'm not sure I'd ask a 10 year old why 'they're doing' this - it implies they are doing it 'deliberately' for a reason and secondly if they are dealing with anxiety they won't be capable of understanding how this may be translating into their behavior or causing tummy aches let alone able to explain it. Please don't tell her she's lying.. Her feelings need to be validated not dismissed.

Kids need a lot of empathy when they're like this and it's her parents job to support her. If were them, I'd be arranging for some support through school for counselling to help her work through these feelings / develop better coping mechanisms but again that's not for you to deal with it's for her parents. If she doesn't want to come for contact, just give it time she will come round eventually - she's just struggling right now. She's a kid and likely doing the best she can, it's no one's fault and blame doesn't help in situations like this.

Finally, take the help you're offered by your DP & step back. Trying to do everything yourself isn't helping.

Your step daughter and a probably anxious for her sibling. She is at an odd age and might not realise it's affecting her. Does she understand what's happening with her sister?

12 year olds don't get to decide they don't need to go to the doctor, her dad needs to take her and exclude anything physical. A distraction from physical pain and/or anxiety can help relieve symptoms so her being ok when watching the iPad doesn't eliminate anything.

Your husband decided to have 4 children, he needs to parent them. He shouldn't be asking if you need help, he needs to just get on with it.

You have enough on your plate and don't need to be all things to all people right now.

If a thread like this doesn't put young women off getting involved with a man who has kids, I don't know what will. It all sounds horrendous, add a new, sick baby into the mix and it's a house of horror.

I realise none of this helps the op or the children with their problem but, hey, girls be warned!

You do come across as quite full on, borderline agressive si maybe it's the way you are in real life which is absotely fine but could indeed leave her anxious. It's hard to tell online.

My SM talked in a way that used to petrify me. Her tone of voice was harsh and she had the facial features to go with it. I always thought she was angry and was scared she'd take it out on me.

It's only in adulthood that I realised it was just her way if expressing herself and realised she spoke the sane to everyone. Deep inside, she had a heart of gold. However, my mum and dad were both soft talkers with gentle facial features unless very very cross, so I didn't know any different.

I too suffered slot from stomach problems as a kid. Never investigated but I can now see the association between the rummy ache and the fear I was constantly under. I always has a good appetite though and used food for comfort (still do) so food did ease the pain.

Well some of these posters should be ashamed!
Wittering on about empathy to a woman with a seriously ill 6 month old baby who is clearly exhausted and struggling with multiple difficult situations. I despair sometimes, I really do.

@Youseethethingis spot on, it’s very sad.

Borderline aggressive? Are you actually kidding me? Have you read what the OP has been through herself? She sounds exhausted and at her wits end that no one is handling a situation with a child that needs handling!

You have a massive DH problem. Tell him you are going to focus on your poorly baby while he steps up to parent his three children who are there to see him.

This includes all the cooking and homework, outdoor time and decent bedtime. He should also do some research/get some professional advice to help his daughter get through the problems she’s having and factor in as much 1:1 time with each child as he can.

Never heard of a Parmo either!!!

I thought it was a piece of Parma ham