It's all become my job

[WineandWellies]

I met my partners kids (5 and 9) a few months ago (none of my own), and it's going really well in terms of our relationship, they seem to really like me being there and they're great kids. However, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by how much is already falling to me to do.

My partner has a very full-on busy job, from first thing in the morning to sometimes gone 9 at night, and through weekends. I work full time and am studying for a degree. On contact weekends, he gets a bit of a break from the kids as he disappears off doing jobs and leaves them with me, but for me it's constant. I can't walk from one room to another without them following me. From turning up on Friday and going home on Sunday, I had 10 minutes to myself in the shower, and even then the little one was screaming and crying outside the bathroom door wanting to come in. I'm doing all the cooking (if I don't, it's takeaway), cleaning, washing clothes, changing bedding, playing and crafting with them etc. I'm the only one who seems to know how to use the toilet roll holder. The little one is tantruming and playing up a lot at the moment so I'm having to do discipline too, as I'm left alone with them for chunks of time. I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

It's a contact day today. After work I'm going to drop some presents off to friends doorsteps tonight and then go shopping, and I know when I turn up later there's going to be a big pile of pots for me to wash and the kids packed lunches won't have been made, so I'll either be doing it when I get home or rushing first thing before I start work.

To be fair, he is very grateful and loving and he does sort the showers and bedtime, and does school runs, but then, they are his children.

Is this just family life and I need to suck it up? Have other step-mums felt like they've been drafted in to be a live-in maid and free childcare facility and how have you dealt with it? I just feel a bit in at the deep end tbh, I'm starting to make plans specifically for contact days, even just for a couple of hours to give me a break and force him to step up when I'm not there.

Can you tell him in advance that he needs to make the packed lunches?
Or even better have a formal conversation about who does what for his children?

He saw you coming didn’t he!

You need to take a massive step back. These children are not your responsibility. Yes you’re in a relationship with a man with children but he cannot abdicate all their care.

I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

Well what did he do before? How long ago did he split from their mum and how long after you got together did you meet them? Did he cook and clean then?

What you describe is utterly ridiculous and not normal at all. Stop being the primary carer on his contact time, he’s treating you like a mug. Of course he’s loving and grateful, he’s ducked out of parenting his kids and you’re doing it for him. How’s that fair on the kids? They have contact to see their dad, not you.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him what you've told us - that you're beginning to feel overwhelmed and you have no time to yourself. Then tell him what he needs to do regularly, eg kids lunchboxes. I've come very late to the realisation that some men need to be given very precise requests, otherwise they assume that all is well.

So if you don't cook he just provides takeaway food for them, he's already trying to make you feel responsible for them having a healthy diet, I would call him out on it because the longer it goes on the harder it is to say anything and the more resentful and angry you will feel.
It's very unfair on his children, he's using them as pawns in a power game to make sure that you do the low status work whilst he gets to invest in himself his career and his future earning potential.

Some is inevitable when children are little but I think he's taking advantage.

Stop on the way home, enjoy a take away coffee and sent him a reminder of what he needs to do before you get home.

Of course you will be involved in their care but they are not your responsibility. Take your time safely dropping off your presents - have a catch up. Browse a bit longer whilst shopping then go home ignore the dishes and definitely ignore making the packed lunches. Put your feet up in front of the telly and let him get on with it. We’ve all had long tiring days at work but have family responsibilities. Definitely don’t suck it up as it will only get worse.

He's stitched you up
He leaves you alone with them for chunks of time so that you bond with them, he leaves you to deal with them when theyre upsets or angry, so that you bond with them and they bond with you and they look to you for comfort, he does this because he knows that you will start to feel guilty and responsible if they don't have proper meals etc
That means that you can be emotionally blackmailed into doing the 'wife work' instead of investing time in yourself and your own career

Big BIG BIG red flags. Do y do it to ease him and have him falling madly in love with you because you are so wonderful. The line between being grateful and taking for granted in very thin.

Lay the law now or be prepared for becoming the maid and worse, see the kids not being so happy with you when you start taking out your resentment of the situation on them.

Thanks for all your replies,

To a certain extent, it's nice to have the responsibility. I've not been able to have children of my own, and have been down the IVF route with my ex partner, which failed and I ended up very ill in hospital. That, amongst other problems, ended up splitting us up.

I have a lot of love and care to give and it's nice to have a little ready made family to give it to, and it's nice that the kids like me enough to want to spend time with me. Tbh, I think they're a little bit attention deprived from both parents, and are enjoying having someone willing to spend time with them, properly listen to what they're saying and do nice things with them.

But I also value my alone time, and have a lot on my plate as well, and I've found my work life and studies are suffering for everything I'm now having to pick up.

It's started making me feel resentful and want to make up excuses to disappear for a bit, so it definitely needs addressing.

Just don't do it, go out for walks, go for a bath and lock the door. When covid restrictions ease go out for hours/ away for the weekend. I would speak with him first but if that doesn't work, go on strike. The children have 2 parents so don't accept any guilt

I would push back; I fell into those kinds of habits with DSD but then started feeling fed up that she’d literally walk past her dad to ask me to do something like have a snack and felt that my DH had got a bit too comfortable with how much I was doing. I started saying to her to ask her dad and just pushing back a lot; sometimes that meant that DH was going to the shop at the last minute to get food or ordering a takeaway but as far as i was concerned that was his choice.

It sounds like you are happy enough to do parent and like the kids, but he is not pulling his parenting weight.

[wonders if this is why he is divorced]

Thank you.

Yes I've started a couple of tactics like that, i.e when they come screaming at me because one has hit the other I just don't react and direct them to their dad.

The other day they we're waiting for me expectantly to make them breakfast. I sorted myself some toast out and sat eating it. They soon found the cereal and toaster themselves, so it's not that they don't know how to do things.

I'm going to start redirecting more his way , and taking time away for myself, and it will likely need verbally addressing if it carries on. I certainly not at the point I want to LTB, I'm very much in love with him and care a lot for the kids already.

I think his mum has done a lot for him in between leaving his wife and meeting me, and she's now (understandably) happy for it to be someone elses problem.

How long have you been together? What you need to know is that he cares and values you for who you are, not for your aupair services.

It seems he is trying to swap the mother of his children for you.. remember if you separated you wouldn't have rights to see the children.

Do not let your life suffer as that will cause resentment, especially whilst his work thrives.

There are two massive issues here. Firstly, your partner is using you as unpaid childcare which is really unfair. Whilst it's nice of you to help out where you can, the mental load should fall squarely on his shoulders.

Secondly, this is bad for the kids. You say you've only known them a few months which is far too soon to assume a parental relationship... your partner should still be facilitating you building a relationship with them so that you all feel comfortable going forward.

I'd sit down and have a serious conversation about his responsibility to both you and his children.

@Techway we've been together for 11 months, but I moved in with him just before lockdown as we wanted to be with each other throughout so our relationship has developed a lot quicker that one normally would over that time.

He is taking you for a ride, op. He wanted a nanny, cook and housekeeper, and he found one. I can't believe you are allowing him to take advantage of you like this. I would be running for the hills of I were you.

I would be taking a massive step back.

At the end of the day, they are his responsibility. He needs to start planning his time a bit better to ensure they are fed, watered and cared for. It is not your responsibility to do this. If he wants you to look after them on Saturday morning while he gets on with some jobs then this needs to be agreed in advance.

You work full time and you're studying for a degree. You need to get your priorities straight here otherwise you are going to be failing on all fronts. Please don't let that happen or you will kick yourself.

You've been recruited as the nanny/housekeeper with benefits.

He seems to have missed the point of contact - it's supposed to be contact with their dad, not his live in babysitter.

He's taking you for a ride. "Wife work" in the extreme. I bet you can see why he split up with their mum!

He shouldn't be going off to do "jobs" when they need caring for. Generally "man jobs" = tinkering at cars/DIY stuff and expecting glory for it while the woman has been doing the day to day shit stuff.

Don't make packed lunches. Don't get them out of bed in a morning. Go for a run/walk over dinner/bath/bed time. Go to the shops over lunch. Lock the bloody door when you have a shower and if one of them is crying outside (this is not appropriate for their ages anyway!!) then get your boyfriend to come and get them right now & deal with the problem.

Seriously this will drive you apart if he doesn't step up to the plate.

[quote WineandWellies]@Techway we've been together for 11 months, but I moved in with him just before lockdown as we wanted to be with each other throughout so our relationship has developed a lot quicker that one normally would over that time.[/quote]
So you got together in January and moved in in Feb/March?

Sounds like he's showing his true personality and you don't like it. That's totally fine. It's bound to take a while to see the sort of life he is offering you. You are free to decide it's not for you.

Fuck that for a game if soldiers. I think he needs a reminder that they are HIS children!

I would not be happy if my ex fobbed his kids off on a new girlfriend during his contact time. This is time the children are supposed to be spending with their father. He should be doing everything for them. In fact when my DD’s father first introduced his now wife to DD I insisted that she was never left in her sole care.

This is not fair to you or the children. What happens if this (fairly new) relationship ends? You say you love and care for these children and they you but you will have absolutely no right to any contact to with them ever again if you split, I’d be extremely wary of fostering this type of relationship with these children so soon.

Thanks all for your replies, I needed the straight-talking. Wasn't sure if this was just normal family life as I have never done it before, and that there aren't 30 other women at the school gates who'd tell the same story.

Obviously something needs to be done, I'm exhausted with it all.