It's all become my job

[WineandWellies]

I met my partners kids (5 and 9) a few months ago (none of my own), and it's going really well in terms of our relationship, they seem to really like me being there and they're great kids. However, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by how much is already falling to me to do.

My partner has a very full-on busy job, from first thing in the morning to sometimes gone 9 at night, and through weekends. I work full time and am studying for a degree. On contact weekends, he gets a bit of a break from the kids as he disappears off doing jobs and leaves them with me, but for me it's constant. I can't walk from one room to another without them following me. From turning up on Friday and going home on Sunday, I had 10 minutes to myself in the shower, and even then the little one was screaming and crying outside the bathroom door wanting to come in. I'm doing all the cooking (if I don't, it's takeaway), cleaning, washing clothes, changing bedding, playing and crafting with them etc. I'm the only one who seems to know how to use the toilet roll holder. The little one is tantruming and playing up a lot at the moment so I'm having to do discipline too, as I'm left alone with them for chunks of time. I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

It's a contact day today. After work I'm going to drop some presents off to friends doorsteps tonight and then go shopping, and I know when I turn up later there's going to be a big pile of pots for me to wash and the kids packed lunches won't have been made, so I'll either be doing it when I get home or rushing first thing before I start work.

To be fair, he is very grateful and loving and he does sort the showers and bedtime, and does school runs, but then, they are his children.

Is this just family life and I need to suck it up? Have other step-mums felt like they've been drafted in to be a live-in maid and free childcare facility and how have you dealt with it? I just feel a bit in at the deep end tbh, I'm starting to make plans specifically for contact days, even just for a couple of hours to give me a break and force him to step up when I'm not there.

@Techway

How long have you been together? What you need to know is that he cares and values you for who you are, not for your aupair services.

It seems he is trying to swap the mother of his children for you.. remember if you separated you wouldn't have rights to see the children.

Do not let your life suffer as that will cause resentment, especially whilst his work thrives.

This ^

If your work and degree suffer because you're taking care of someone else's kids you will NEVER be compensated. His career & prospects will continue to thrive unhindered.

When you split up (which you will - there's no way this wouldn't get worse over the next 15 years) you will have invested your potential into someone elses kids and your life will be limited for zero benefit. Don't be a mug.

@WineandWellies

Thanks all for your replies, I needed the straight-talking. Wasn't sure if this was just normal family life as I have never done it before, and that there aren't 30 other women at the school gates who'd tell the same story.

Obviously something needs to be done, I'm exhausted with it all.

Good luck. Don't let him give you a sob story about how hard it is. It's really not that hard to make your kids a decent meal.

It sounds like a fortnightly contact weekend - hardly much time at all to prioritise his kids and a meagre % of the overall
Parenting burden shouldered by his ex.

Where was he when the kids were sitting waiting for breakfast?

Jesus OP, you need to sit him down and talk about this. You cannot put the responsibility on the children. You cant just redirect them to their dad if he isnt going to bother sorting it. They'll be sent back to you and left as little children with no one to turn too.

Sit him down and talk about it. Make it very very clear that on contact weekends, he cannot be working or going off to do odd jobs or whatever else he is doing. This is their weekend to spend with their dad and you are not doing it anymore.

Obviously something needs to be done, I'm exhausted with it all.

Yes, something needs to be done and that's to pack your stuff and move out. This situation is utterly ridiculous, and there is no way the relationship will work out. You are already resentful, as you should be, and are not much more than an unpaid, glorified skivvy. Don't waste another minute of your life with this user.

@renallychallenged yes it's a night in the week and EOW, and half of school holidays.

Another option is I choose to go back to work some days from the office. I won't be back until gone 6, meaning the kids will need to have eaten their teas.

I'm seeing this with my DB at the moment - he's just not great at doing the grunt work with his kids on contact days. I've been doing stuff but I've stopped because it's just not my job to do it (have spent a couple of weekends with them all bc I didn't see them at all during the first lockdown). And now - guess what? My mum's doing it! The problem there is they all think he's a hero for making a slice of toast...

Anyway. This isn't your job. You are not the au pair or the nanny. Redirect and claim your time. Can you go elsewhere to study (I know things are a bit difficult wrt to libraries and things at the moment)? I'd be out of the house for one full day per weekend to study in peace.

I think also that things have been rushed and you now feel very committed to this idea of a family unit, but you don't have to be. You can take a step back.

stop

go back and don't tackle the pans
don't make the lunches

if you facilitate him then you're part of the problem

you can choose maid or you can refuse - its not like his your boss.....

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett I can go to my mums who is in my support bubble to study, which I have been doing when I've needed to.

Time I get there I'm just happy for a cup of tea and a chill with my mum, I'm giving all my energy to other people and leaving none for myself, which is obviously partly my fault for allowing it to happen.

Another option is I choose to go back to work some days from the office. I won't be back until gone 6, meaning the kids will need to have eaten their teas.

You shouldn’t have to leave your home to make him step up to his own responsibilities!

Honestly, when he has children, he shouldn’t have dreamed of moving in with you after 5 seconds. It’s not fair on them to get attached to you, as they are, when it’s such early days and neither of you know if you will be together in the long term.

But, in the situation you’re in, he should be doing the vast majority of childcare. Where is he when you’re alone with the children? Having fun - in which case why doesn’t he want to spend time with his kids. Or working - in which case you are being used while he furthers his career.

You’re being used, and at this stage he should be trying to impress you, not blatantly using you as free childcare.

I think you should be quite clear. Jake, why is it always takeaway if I don’t cook for your kids? It makes it seem like you can’t look after your own children and I gotta say that’s pretty unattractive. A caring dad, that’s sexy. A dad who just wants to find a girlfriend to offload his parenting, never mind my working and studying because women’s commitments don’t matter- deeply unsexy.

I’m sure it was accidental so after Christmas I’m going to stay with a friend for contact weekend so you can reset a bit. The kids are gorgeous, I hope we can make this work, but you’ve got to be their dad.

I'd start going to your mum's once a weekend because otherwise the kids will keep coming to you, and while I get you're going to redirect them, that's potentially quite tough for you and them. Just leave him to it.

And if you come home to a pile of washing-up, don't do it! Walk back out and get yourself a takeaway!

I wonder if this sort of thing happens a lot TBH! Here you are, a ready made shoo in for DM! I think living together due to Lockdown is not helpful for many couples really .Defo carve some time out and explain that you love them ,but need your own space as well!

You defo need to speak up and get this sorted. They are HIS kids, and HE needs to parent them. You helping out is great but only up to a point - you need to set your boundaries, or he is going to keep taking a mile every time you give an inch. At the moment he is taking the piss, as others have said!

Here's the thing, even if you were these children's actual mum, this would be unfair. And your "D"P is happily abdicating responsibility to the woman which is completely unfair.

It sounds to me like you don't particularly mind being seen as a parent to these children. Lovely. Personally, I think it's a bit soon and you all definitely moved into family life way too quickly, but what's done is done and it worked for you. However, whether you're their biological or step parent, its completely unacceptable for you to be on the entire time and to pick up all them mental load. The fact that your'e their step parent makes this 100% worse and completely unacceptable. If you help with their care he should be at your feet thanking you.

Oh, and in light of the fact that you don't have the kids all the time, it is absolutely completely BONKERS that he has so many "jobs" that require leaving the children with you on the weekend. He should be using this time to engage with his children and doing DIY or whatever on one of the many many days his children are with their mother.

To a certain extent, it's nice to have the responsibility
Then you are probably giving mix messages which your oh is interpreting that you are happy to do it all.

You can't pick and choose when it suits, you need to quickly agree some clear boundaries or toy are going to confuse everyone.

Don't be reactive it won't go down well. You need to gave a serious conversation with your oh as to the role you and he sees you having. That's the it way things will be clear on both sides and you can decide whether you meet eachother's expectations.

It’s so easy to find yourself in this place.
‘Ask your dad’ works very well for me. I use that a lot.
My partner is not a planner and I am so I (for my sanity as much as anything ) take on some of the mental load stuff. But breakfast, getting ready for school, bathtime, bedtime are all completely my partner’s domain. I do almost zero most of the time unless there’s a reason my help is needed.
Dinner is more complex - this is a shared task in our house. But I can get a little resentful when his daughter is difficult with food I prepared with her in mind - so while she is around I try to disengage a little from dinner prep.

I happen to be babysitting both days this weekend which is not ideal but my partner has some work (hooray!) and the pandemic has been tough on us so I’ll step up this time. And he asked for my help. He didn’t just assume.
I guess my long ramble is to say I’ve been there and now I’m not. But it’s a constant balancing act.

On the weekend carve out your own time. Tell your partner that you will be off on your own for the afternoon (shopping, spa, walk in the park, visiting friend) which will leave him time with his kids. Don't ask, tell him. Then how about getting the kids involved with cooking and washing up? Nine is plenty old enough.
You need to have a frank discussion with your partner about shared responsibilities.

Thanks all, I appreciate your responses and am taking them on board.

No it shouldn't be like this. Id think about whether you want this to be your life.

You should still be in the honeymoon phase whereas you have gone directly to maid/servant/childminder mode
Do you pay for everything to?
He won't even make his kids their school lunches. I would find this deeply unattractive. It is also beyond shite parenting to introduce and move in with a new partner 5 minutes after meeting them. They are clearly attached as he has zero interest it seems and when you stop doing all the housework /childminding he will probably leave once he has another mug lined up.
I would be having v v serious conversations about this. I understand you don't want to leave him but while I'm sure he will make promises you will fall back into doing everything soon enough

So if you don't make their packed lunch does he let them go to school with no lunch? You need to make a massive step back and let him start looking after his own children. He can't just do what he likes and leave them with you either, he needs to ask in advance if you will be available to look after them for him for half an hour or so.

@workshy44

You should still be in the honeymoon phase whereas you have gone directly to maid/servant/childminder mode Do you pay for everything to? He won't even make his kids their school lunches. I would find this deeply unattractive. It is also beyond shite parenting to introduce and move in with a new partner 5 minutes after meeting them. They are clearly attached as he has zero interest it seems and when you stop doing all the housework /childminding he will probably leave once he has another mug lined up. I would be having v v serious conversations about this. I understand you don't want to leave him but while I'm sure he will make promises you will fall back into doing everything soon enough

Hi @workshy44, no he does pay for the majority of things tbf to him.

We'd been together around 6 months I think before I was introduced to the kids too, I used to leave to come to my mums etc when it was contact days. I know, still a short period of time, but if they kids had shown any indication of not wanting me there I'd have slowed it right down. They are always excited for me to be there and disappointed when I'm not.