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Original poster

It's all become my job

88 replies

WineandWellies · 16/12/2020 10:30

I met my partners kids (5 and 9) a few months ago (none of my own), and it's going really well in terms of our relationship, they seem to really like me being there and they're great kids. However, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by how much is already falling to me to do.

My partner has a very full-on busy job, from first thing in the morning to sometimes gone 9 at night, and through weekends. I work full time and am studying for a degree. On contact weekends, he gets a bit of a break from the kids as he disappears off doing jobs and leaves them with me, but for me it's constant. I can't walk from one room to another without them following me. From turning up on Friday and going home on Sunday, I had 10 minutes to myself in the shower, and even then the little one was screaming and crying outside the bathroom door wanting to come in. I'm doing all the cooking (if I don't, it's takeaway), cleaning, washing clothes, changing bedding, playing and crafting with them etc. I'm the only one who seems to know how to use the toilet roll holder. The little one is tantruming and playing up a lot at the moment so I'm having to do discipline too, as I'm left alone with them for chunks of time. I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

It's a contact day today. After work I'm going to drop some presents off to friends doorsteps tonight and then go shopping, and I know when I turn up later there's going to be a big pile of pots for me to wash and the kids packed lunches won't have been made, so I'll either be doing it when I get home or rushing first thing before I start work.

To be fair, he is very grateful and loving and he does sort the showers and bedtime, and does school runs, but then, they are his children.

Is this just family life and I need to suck it up? Have other step-mums felt like they've been drafted in to be a live-in maid and free childcare facility and how have you dealt with it? I just feel a bit in at the deep end tbh, I'm starting to make plans specifically for contact days, even just for a couple of hours to give me a break and force him to step up when I'm not there.

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Rocococo · 16/12/2020 15:50

What would have happened if he hadn't met you?

He would have almost certainly have found another person with a uterus to fill this position.

Sorry OP. It's shit. You're still quite early in this relationship. He's shown you very clearly what he sees as your role. I wouldn't be too optimistic of rehabilitation. You have a golden chance to leave...

aSofaNearYou · 16/12/2020 16:03

No it is not family life, not outside of a nuclear family. It is outrageous. This man should not be working when he has his kids, he should be operating as a single parent should - as though he is solely responsible for them. Otherwise he should be arranging proper childcare. None of this is your job and he does not sound like a man you should stay with.

Youseethethingis · 16/12/2020 17:10

Have other step-mums felt like they've been drafted in to be a live-in maid and free childcare facility and how have you dealt with it
There it is right there.
The pay is shit. Holidays will be working holidays. No breaks. No pension.
Employer pats you on the head every so often to keep you sweet and make you feel appreciated, meanwhile killing himself laughing that he found someone willing to take on all his responsibilities in exchange for exactly zero in the way of rights or privileges.
What a peach.

Yohoheaveho · 16/12/2020 17:20

I wouldn't be too optimistic of rehabilitation
hmm, I dunno, hopefully if OP can have a talk he will see that there's a problem that he needs to address...or his partner will walk?

RedMarauder · 16/12/2020 17:20

OP you are being taken for a ride.

Sit down and talk to him.

Explain to him that contact is for him to spend time with HIS children and so they can have more of a normal life with HIM alone.

Give him a list of exactly what he needs to do this including washing up, wiping counters, etc after he has done things for them like make meals. If he has to spend a couple of hours doing this after they go to bed so what

Also tell him that feeding them crap is not excusable and he needs to learn to make them quick healthy meals.

Then make sure you are not around most of the time even if you have to tell them that you are studying.

If he kicks off about it or doesn't do the things they require then your relationship is over. DO NOT STAY WITH A PARENT WHO WILL NOT PARENT HIS CHILDREN PROPERLY. in The reason is that it will bite you in the ass when they are teenagers.

Oh and the reason the children follow you around is because you are nice, friendly and give them attention plus you also give them some of the physical things they want. All children act like that to people who are nice to them.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/12/2020 17:24

This guy is sounding like a rubbish dad

Did he even think about the impact on his kids of moving you in so early in the relationship? That is deeply unfair on them.

And now it appears he is being deeply unfair to you. I’d be having a serious chat with him and expecting to see some drastic changes. The amount of parenting you do should be minimal. If that doesn’t happen I’d be moving out. Those poor kids

excelledyourself · 16/12/2020 17:39

He sounds thoroughly selfish. I'd move back out and leave him to it. For the kids sake as much as your own. Sounds like he barely bothers with them.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 16/12/2020 18:09

No wonder he wanted you to move in! Ready made childcare, housekeeper and bedmate 🥴

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/12/2020 05:46

How on earth can you fancy a man who only has his children so his conscience can tick the “good dad” box but in reality doesn’t want to spend time with them let alone parent them?

You’ve fallen into the trap that many new partners of people with DC fall into - you’re so eager to build a good relationship with the kids and prove you’re not a wicked stepmum stereotype you end up doing a load of shitwork that isn’t your responsibility,

Unless you get this sorted right now I can promise you your resentment will grow and will definitely doom your relationship even if his clear lack of respect for you doesn’t.

pickingdaisies · 17/12/2020 09:27

11 months? OP you've been had Sad
Reading your updates, I totally see why you took on this role so willingly, but this is not a healthy dynamic. These children barely know you, but they depend on you. You have to step back. You have to insist he step up. Reset your boundaries, reclaim the time to yourself that you need to achieve YOUR goals. Don't ask. Tell him this is what's happening. He needs to parent his children.

Schoolchoicesucks · 17/12/2020 09:57

You need to have an open and honest conversation with him about this.

It's great that you and his kids are getting on so well.

But he is their parent. When it is his mid week or weekend, he needs to parent them. He can do his "jobs" when the kids are not there.

If he doesn't realise this and change things up, OP, have a good think about whether you are happy to be the unpaid nanny with benefits in this relationship.

Original poster
WineandWellies · 17/12/2020 09:58

Stepping back. Before I'd even properly woke up this morning he wanted to disappear off somewhere (work related - and I'm 100% certain that this is the case) and then come back to take the kids to school.

The hour in-between presumably would have been me making sure the kids were dressed, fed, hair and teeth brushed, lunches and books ready, whilst not having any time to get myself together.

Instead I left immediately to come my mums to have a shower in peace and start work.

It's such a shame that I'm even having to do this, because I'm more than happy to help. It just shouldn't be ALL me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WineandWellies · 17/12/2020 10:00

BTW, it's a bit too revealing to say what he does for a living, but he is definitely working and working hard when he says he is. He definitely could never be accused of being lazy in that respect.

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 17/12/2020 10:25

I think you need to take a massive step back and let him step up to the plate and parent his children. It's been a bit to convenient for him with leaving his wife, then meeting you, from one woman to another.

Once he has established a routine with the children when they are there, you can step in when and if you want to to help out.

Yohoheaveho · 17/12/2020 10:52

@WineandWellies

BTW, it's a bit too revealing to say what he does for a living, but he is definitely working and working hard when he says he is. He definitely could never be accused of being lazy in that respect.
Presumably he enjoys his job, it gives him a sense of achievement and fulfillment, as well as a sense of status and esteem, when he is working he is investing in himself that's why he's willing to do it. Looking after his own children on the other hand, nah that doesn't particularly interest him, boring, frustrating, unfulfilling....he leaves the donkey work to the donkey
forrestgreen · 17/12/2020 10:55

I do think it needs a proper conversation. I don't think he'll pick up on hints.

Spitoutthebauble · 17/12/2020 11:00

@timeisnotaline

I think you should be quite clear. Jake, why is it always takeaway if I don’t cook for your kids? It makes it seem like you can’t look after your own children and I gotta say that’s pretty unattractive. A caring dad, that’s sexy. A dad who just wants to find a girlfriend to offload his parenting, never mind my working and studying because women’s commitments don’t matter- deeply unsexy. I’m sure it was accidental so after Christmas I’m going to stay with a friend for contact weekend so you can reset a bit. The kids are gorgeous, I hope we can make this work, but you’ve got to be their dad.
THIS, with bells on. I’d LOVE to hear what he says!!!
AurorayRuben · 17/12/2020 11:06

You are being used as free childcare for HIS children.
If you want this relationship to last you need to step back now.
They are not your responsibility at all.

Chewbecca · 17/12/2020 11:06

I do think you need to speak to him instead of just hiding away and forcing him that way. An open, honest conversation is needed about the fact you love being with his DC but it’s him who is their parent and that they are coming to see. All DC related tasks must default to him, unless he has agreed otherwise for that occasion.

Yohoheaveho · 17/12/2020 11:10

@forrestgreen

I do think it needs a proper conversation. I don't think he'll pick up on hints.
he will ignore the hints, he knows exactly what's going on he just doesn't want to face it because the current setup is convenient and favours his interests over her's
Taikoo · 17/12/2020 11:16

He saw you coming for sure.
Sex on tap and free house keeping and childminder.
Loads of men would be jealous of him.
I'd bin him in time for New Year.

PerveenMistry · 17/12/2020 11:16

@eurochick

He seems to have missed the point of contact - it's supposed to be contact with their dad, not his live in babysitter.

This.

And it is really dreadfully unfair to the kids to allow them to bond with someone he's only been seeing a few months. Terribly poor judgment all around.

What ages are you and he?

AurorayRuben · 17/12/2020 11:25

I wonder wht their mother thinks of this?
I would refuse to let my kids go unless their Dad was looking after them.

dysoncansuckit · 17/12/2020 11:42

A shit dad is such a turn off. I'm surprised you're so in love with him after watching him skive his responsibilities to you.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 17/12/2020 12:08

Oh OP, don't fall in love with these children, you'll have no rights to see them again if you split with their dad.

I think your relationship has been turbocharged due to COVID, you need to take a few steps back and work out what you want and need.

It's also not fair on the children to be such a significant figure in their lives unless everyone agrees you will be a permanent one.

Don't get your heart broken op