It's all become my job

[WineandWellies]

I met my partners kids (5 and 9) a few months ago (none of my own), and it's going really well in terms of our relationship, they seem to really like me being there and they're great kids. However, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by how much is already falling to me to do.

My partner has a very full-on busy job, from first thing in the morning to sometimes gone 9 at night, and through weekends. I work full time and am studying for a degree. On contact weekends, he gets a bit of a break from the kids as he disappears off doing jobs and leaves them with me, but for me it's constant. I can't walk from one room to another without them following me. From turning up on Friday and going home on Sunday, I had 10 minutes to myself in the shower, and even then the little one was screaming and crying outside the bathroom door wanting to come in. I'm doing all the cooking (if I don't, it's takeaway), cleaning, washing clothes, changing bedding, playing and crafting with them etc. I'm the only one who seems to know how to use the toilet roll holder. The little one is tantruming and playing up a lot at the moment so I'm having to do discipline too, as I'm left alone with them for chunks of time. I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

It's a contact day today. After work I'm going to drop some presents off to friends doorsteps tonight and then go shopping, and I know when I turn up later there's going to be a big pile of pots for me to wash and the kids packed lunches won't have been made, so I'll either be doing it when I get home or rushing first thing before I start work.

To be fair, he is very grateful and loving and he does sort the showers and bedtime, and does school runs, but then, they are his children.

Is this just family life and I need to suck it up? Have other step-mums felt like they've been drafted in to be a live-in maid and free childcare facility and how have you dealt with it? I just feel a bit in at the deep end tbh, I'm starting to make plans specifically for contact days, even just for a couple of hours to give me a break and force him to step up when I'm not there.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

Oh OP, don't fall in love with these children, you'll have no rights to see them again if you split with their dad.

I think your relationship has been turbocharged due to COVID, you need to take a few steps back and work out what you want and need.

It's also not fair on the children to be such a significant figure in their lives unless everyone agrees you will be a permanent one.

Don't get your heart broken op

Also THIS.

It is actually completely abhorrent behaviour for him to foist the emotional, physical, administrative work of child rearing HIS CHILDREN onto you. Potentially really upsetting for them if you then reject the work or the relationship (both of which are in your rights to do!!!). He is playing Russian roulette with children’s emotional stability, after they’ve already been through a family break up. I think he needs some therapy to come to terms with his own behaviour!

You need to say in no uncertain terms that this is not your job and if he is not there to look after them then they must either stay at their mother's or he must pay for childcare.
He is using you as an unpaid servant and quite honestly I'd have walked out by now.

You sound like an angel and he 100% taking advantage. Reverse the sexes on this one. Would it be ok for you to leave your new partner to do all you are currently doing with your kids?
I would bet my mortgage you wouldn’t do this if the situation was reversed.
Stop doing pack lunches and only get involved with the fun stuff not the drudgery and make yourself less available too.

I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

He would have popped on the hair gel and got straight on the dating site to find another mug, that's what!

Honestly - this is not good. He's a shit father, first of all. NO decent single dad would immediately start stepping back to allow his kids to feel that they have to go to - and spend lots of time with - a new stranger. No, a decent dad would make sure he spent MORE time with them - reassuring them that a new girlfriend didn't mean that daddy didn't have as much time for them. But... he's a shit dad. A lazy, feckless man who seriously just does not think that kids are, or shuld be, his problem. Naw, that's for the woman to deal with, and it's not 5 minutes in to the 'blending' that he reverts to type and goes back to his God-given right to work any hours he wants, take any time out he wants, because he's got A Woman to do the shitwork. Before this - his mother did it. Before that - the wife who probably partly dumped him because of being this same feckless shit. When you go, he'll got get another AWoman ASAP to do the same.

Obviously, the other side of this coin is that he's a shit partner. You are being USED!!! How fucking DARE he draft you in to be his fucking nanny! At the very least - next contact time - go away. Don't tell him in advance. Why the fuck should you - YOU have no family responsibilities. Pack a bag and call round the door 'Just off out' - then call in a couple of hours and say aww you're going to stay over with X, who's having a hard time. Wait and see the response you get. You've got your identity now, in his head, and it's Maid and Nanny.

And don't make the mistake of thinking - well, it's nice to have a ready-made family. It's not nice because it's not real. You know those kids tat cry and scream and follow you everywhere? They do that because they're insecure as shit, with a dad who ISN'T A PROPER PARENT to them and two houses to go between. A shitstorm, really - and the deeper in you get, the more shit will spray over you. They're not yours. You will pour that love in, which will be roundly taken advantage of by your utterly selfish misogynist of a partner, then the second you're not a couple any more you'll never see them again.

Dump him. This is an age-old tale. He's utterly taking the piss.

@YoniAndGuy

I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

He would have popped on the hair gel and got straight on the dating site to find another mug, that's what!

Honestly - this is not good. He's a shit father, first of all. NO decent single dad would immediately start stepping back to allow his kids to feel that they have to go to - and spend lots of time with - a new stranger. No, a decent dad would make sure he spent MORE time with them - reassuring them that a new girlfriend didn't mean that daddy didn't have as much time for them. But... he's a shit dad. A lazy, feckless man who seriously just does not think that kids are, or shuld be, his problem. Naw, that's for the woman to deal with, and it's not 5 minutes in to the 'blending' that he reverts to type and goes back to his God-given right to work any hours he wants, take any time out he wants, because he's got A Woman to do the shitwork. Before this - his mother did it. Before that - the wife who probably partly dumped him because of being this same feckless shit. When you go, he'll got get another AWoman ASAP to do the same.

Obviously, the other side of this coin is that he's a shit partner. You are being USED!!! How fucking DARE he draft you in to be his fucking nanny! At the very least - next contact time - go away. Don't tell him in advance. Why the fuck should you - YOU have no family responsibilities. Pack a bag and call round the door 'Just off out' - then call in a couple of hours and say aww you're going to stay over with X, who's having a hard time. Wait and see the response you get. You've got your identity now, in his head, and it's Maid and Nanny.

And don't make the mistake of thinking - well, it's nice to have a ready-made family. It's not nice because it's not real. You know those kids tat cry and scream and follow you everywhere? They do that because they're insecure as shit, with a dad who ISN'T A PROPER PARENT to them and two houses to go between. A shitstorm, really - and the deeper in you get, the more shit will spray over you. They're not yours. You will pour that love in, which will be roundly taken advantage of by your utterly selfish misogynist of a partner, then the second you're not a couple any more you'll never see them again.

Dump him. This is an age-old tale. He's utterly taking the piss.

Too true.

Truthfully, as it’s a fairly new relationship I’d just dump him. He’s a user.

if I break up with DH whilst DC are still young and need childcare. I’m getting myself a girlfriend.

Hands up who doesn’t want a skivvy and free childcare whilst they waltz around free as a bird.

Seriously he tried to rush out this morning leaving you to get his dc up and ready for school?

He is in the running for shittiest parent and partner.

You’re going to start seriously disliking him for his behaviour once the reality dawns on you.

This isn't normal, at all. I have one DS and DP has 2 DS, all tiny. When I met DP he had his boys 50/50 and was a very hands on parent. When we moved in we started splitting the cooking and laundry because it's easier but he made his kids lunches and got them ready and I did mine. Now a year on living together we have delegated the work evenly (ie I will make all three lunches while he gets all three ready for bed etc) depending where our strengths lie. But he'd never expect me to do all the grunt work for his kids. He likes being one to one with them. We do what works fairly and evenly for our families. I'm off during Christmas and spring breaks and summer because I work in education so I'll help look after his boys then, he takes a sick day to be home when my son is sick and I have meetings. It needs to be fair and balanced. It's even less fair or balanced when you didn't bring any kids to the relationship. If you did have any I'd be worried all the work of your own DC plus his would fall to you.

@Aquamarine1029

He is taking you for a ride, op. He wanted a nanny, cook and housekeeper, and he found one. I can't believe you are allowing him to take advantage of you like this. I would be running for the hills of I were you.

This OP,

As to what he would do if you were not there - he would find another mug to mind his kids, cook, clean his house, have sex, all in return for "I love you, you are amazing"

Why on earth are you in this position after 11 months? Oh, and you met them 3-4 months ago - you are NOT their step mother, you are their dad's girlfriend. Please, do not let him take your desire for children and turn it into his unpaid childcare and household help.

@YoniAndGuy

I wonder what would happen if he hadn't met me, and would have all this to do as well.

He would have popped on the hair gel and got straight on the dating site to find another mug, that's what!

Honestly - this is not good. He's a shit father, first of all. NO decent single dad would immediately start stepping back to allow his kids to feel that they have to go to - and spend lots of time with - a new stranger. No, a decent dad would make sure he spent MORE time with them - reassuring them that a new girlfriend didn't mean that daddy didn't have as much time for them. But... he's a shit dad. A lazy, feckless man who seriously just does not think that kids are, or shuld be, his problem. Naw, that's for the woman to deal with, and it's not 5 minutes in to the 'blending' that he reverts to type and goes back to his God-given right to work any hours he wants, take any time out he wants, because he's got A Woman to do the shitwork. Before this - his mother did it. Before that - the wife who probably partly dumped him because of being this same feckless shit. When you go, he'll got get another AWoman ASAP to do the same.

Obviously, the other side of this coin is that he's a shit partner. You are being USED!!! How fucking DARE he draft you in to be his fucking nanny! At the very least - next contact time - go away. Don't tell him in advance. Why the fuck should you - YOU have no family responsibilities. Pack a bag and call round the door 'Just off out' - then call in a couple of hours and say aww you're going to stay over with X, who's having a hard time. Wait and see the response you get. You've got your identity now, in his head, and it's Maid and Nanny.

And don't make the mistake of thinking - well, it's nice to have a ready-made family. It's not nice because it's not real. You know those kids tat cry and scream and follow you everywhere? They do that because they're insecure as shit, with a dad who ISN'T A PROPER PARENT to them and two houses to go between. A shitstorm, really - and the deeper in you get, the more shit will spray over you. They're not yours. You will pour that love in, which will be roundly taken advantage of by your utterly selfish misogynist of a partner, then the second you're not a couple any more you'll never see them again.

Dump him. This is an age-old tale. He's utterly taking the piss.

Actually OP, Yoni said it better.

How you are living is normal if you were an established couple and have agreed on a list of tasks and had volunteered to do more hands on parenting.

You are in the early stages of this relationship but I appreciate your sense of reference is skewed by Covid timescales. Take Covid out and it would be entirely normal to only have met them a handful of times after 11 months of dating a dad and never done any parenting or even been there at his contact weekends.

By fast forwarding so much you have skipped the gradual process of becoming integrated into their lives and find yourself a fully fledged co-parent without having established any of the rules of engagement.

I say this as a step mum. Don't just take a step back and see. Have a conversation about how things have unfolded in a way that needs to change for you to be happy. This will really test how much you are on the same page and if you even have a future. If he can see your POV, agree on plans going forward and things improve happy days.

Why do so many women think that being in a relationship with a man who has children mean that they should assume a step parenting role? You are living with a man who has children. He has both children and a significant other. That does not necessarily create a family dynam

Your responsibility (if any) should only include those things that you choose to do. If he disappears on contact weekends, you should make your own plans as well. If he is supporting you financially, then perhaps it is not unreasonable that he might expect some type of child care assistance in return. This however should have discussed in full before a decision to live together was made.

It sounds as though he is the type of male who views child care as primarily a women 's responsibility. It is not your job to teach him how to make alternative arrangements for his children. It is his job to do those things on his own. He chose to have children. He needs to step up and become a parent. Parenting on the part of a father requires more than just financial support.

You should consider moving out and dating this man while he lives alone with his children. You skipped many steps in relationship development before moving in with him. He has never had the opportunity to develop his role as a single parent ; he has always had a female (wife, mother, girl friend) willing to assume she should have been his responsibilities.

Step back and sort this relationship in a more realistic manner. The pandemic is no justification for creating an instant family dynamic.