I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

Out of curiosity

Don’t you know all this before you embark down the major leap of moving in together and blending families?

Don’t you know your DH has differing parenting that makes your life difficult? Or that you don’t like your DSC?

My point was that when a child is misbehaving in my home, given the choice, I'd rather that child be my own as I feel less irritated by that and more agency and control over the situation because I raised her myself.

It does make sense. With my own child I’m also privy to all the facts, how he’s been at childcare, how his weeks been etc. DSS gets collected blind. You wouldn’t know if he’d had a temp/been ill/Mums new BF has moved out dramatically. I find that difficult as you don’t know when to make allowances or when to take a firm stand.

@Hellotheresweet

Out of curiosity

Don’t you know all this before you embark down the major leap of moving in together and blending families?

Don’t you know your DH has differing parenting that makes your life difficult? Or that you don’t like your DSC?

People evolve, situations evolve. Life isn’t static. The divorce rate is, I believe around 50% of first marriages. That makes a high proportion of single adults who have been previously married and many of which also having children.

Nobody interrogates divorcees as to why their marriage failed so I find it really difficult when people feel entitled to pry on second marriages by virtue alone of them being second marriages.

I love my husband, I find being a SP hard and at times near intolerable. But I do it FOR my husband. I’ll continue to support him and do my SM duties. But I’ll also have a whinge on this board.

My husbands ex started out quite nice, but she lives a v volatile life and I think is quite bitter. This has rubbed off a bit on SC and it can really unsettle him. He’ll often ask how he can “make mummy happy” she’s unstable and it’s transpired she has mental health issues. I didn’t envisage that being such an issue for me.

DSS has in recent years been diagnosed with a number of behavioural disorders. I didn’t envisage that.

Does that answer your questions? You don’t always know how life is going to unfold.

Yesterday I put DSS(21) wet washing in the tumble dryer. It had been in the basket, wet since Saturday. It was starting to smell fusty. I am evil because I might have shrunk his pants and sweatshirts ( I didn't, I checked the labels and all fine to dry).

I love my husband, I find being a SP hard and at times near intolerable. But I do it FOR my husband. I’ll continue to support him and do my SM duties. But I’ll also have a whinge on this board

Absolutely this. My husband is a wonderful man and he too finds parenting his kids post divorce very trying. It is absolutely not the same as having your own kids together in an intact family under one roof. It just isnt and bollocks to anybody who says it is. There are a multitude of things which just cause frustration. Whether people like to admit it or not, there are roles within a traditional family unit and I feel sorry for my husband having to parent his kids under the cloak of divorce, two homes with different parenting styles, an ex wife who is uncooperative and kids who mostly dont give a shit about him. It doesnt help that because of this, I feel little connection to them and am therefore not much help on the mothering front. I tell him all the time, what I do for his kids is actually FOR HIM because I love him. I think he deserves so much better than parenting experience he has been dished up with. Divorce is terrible and its not just about the kids and their experience of it.

*Out of curiosity

Don’t you know all this before you embark down the major leap of moving in together and blending families?

Don’t you know your DH has differing parenting that makes your life difficult? Or that you don’t like your DSC?*

No of course you don't.

When first wives make the "major leap" of marrying someone and having their kids (the kids that later become step-kids to 2nd wives), do they know the marriage will ultimately end in divorce and the children will spend their time between two homes? Why don't they consider these problems before they marry and have those kids in the first place? Because it's a ludicrous suggestion to expect anyone to know how their lives and relationships are going to pan out in advance, that's why. Whether they are planning a family with someone for the first time or taking on a man with existing kids.

And on the point of knowing in advance that you "don't like" your step kids. Even more ludicrous! No, of course you don't know in advance before getting to know a person (child or adult) whether you will automatically "like them" at all times. These things become apparent over time, as relationships naturally evolve. It's really not rocket science.

Nobody interrogates divorcees as to why their marriage failed so I find it really difficult when people feel entitled to pry on second marriages by virtue alone of them being second marriages.

This and this some more.

If I had a pound for the "didn't you know what you were getting into line" applied to SMs on here. But first wife encounters problem in marriage after having children to a man? Literally never seen that comment applied to her. 🤔

If someone can tell me the difference, specifically why second wives/partners should better be able predict how their relationship and feelings are going to pan out across the course of a relationship any better than first wives/partners... please do enlighten me.

I’d love to say to DH’s ex “well what did YOU expect when DH left you and divorced” many of her complaints are about things that are an unfortunate consequence of divorce. Do other divorcees think she’d find this line of questioning helpful?

@Hellotheresweet

Don’t you know your DH has differing parenting that makes your life difficult? Or that you don’t like your DSC?

Has any of your children ever introduced you to a new friend of theirs? Brought them to the house for tea or sleepovers? Can you hand on heart say that (a) you liked and warmed to every single one, at all times, and, (b) you absolutely knew in advance, before they became regular visitors to your house, how you'd feel about them including all the things that might or might not irritate you about them?

I didn't. I became aware of the aspects of these children that I warmed to / was endeared by; as well those that pissed me off, after I had become acquainted with them.

It's the same for any other child you aren't related and haven't raised yourself that you are getting to know in your home.

@LyingDogsLie1

I’d love to say to DH’s ex “well what did YOU expect when DH left you and divorced” many of her complaints are about things that are an unfortunate consequence of divorce. Do other divorcees think she’d find this line of questioning helpful?

Such a good point and so clearly illustrates the double standards on here applied to SMs.

I'd also love to ask my DP's ex this!

I’d love to say to DH’s ex “well what did YOU expect when DH left you and divorced” many of her complaints are about things that are an unfortunate consequence of divorce. Do other divorcees think she’d find this line of questioning helpful?

Yes! Like ... You live in a bigger house than me? You and your new wife drive nicer cars than me? How come you are going on overseas holidays? ....

Yup ... All the benefits of being married to your EX HUSBAND darling, have transferred to me! But that still doesnt mean I am at your childrens beck and call!

I love the truth and honesty in this thread, finally somewhere we an get it all put without being judged

* When first wives make the "major leap" of marrying someone and having their kids (the kids that later become step-kids to 2nd wives), do they know the marriage will ultimately end in divorce and the children will spend their time between two homes? Why don't they consider these problems before they marry and have those kids in the first place? Because it's a ludicrous suggestion to expect anyone to know how their lives and relationships are going to pan out in advance, that's why. Whether they are planning a family with someone for the first time or taking on a man with existing kids. *

This doesn’t make sense in the context of my question.
The first wife is making a leap based on love and ignorance.

The second wife... well, to move in together and blend families knowing that you have a fraught relationship with your step children, you tolerate them at best, they are rude and nasty to you, your DH is ineffective at parenting them - surely you witnessed this and experienced this in the years before moving in together?

I am genuinely curious. No judgement.

The first wife is making a leap based on love and ignorance.

Why is the second wife doing any different? She hasn't lived with him yet, she hasn't married him yet, she hasn't lived with his kids yet?

She's making a leap because she loves him, same as the first wife. There's no handbook on second marriages and blended families anymore than there's a handbook for first marriages and having kids!

The second wife... well, to move in together and blend families knowing that you have a fraught relationship with your step children*

What? Please explain to me how in gods name you know in advance before living with children exactly how that relationship is going to be once you're under the same roof?!

You tolerate them at best, they are rude and nasty to you,

This usually comes way, WAY down the line! After sometimes several years of sharing a living space. Step kids don't come with boards advertising "I'm going to make your life hell as soon as we live together".

So my point remains - you take as blind a leap of faith as any woman in love, hoping you can build positive relationships with your partner's kids and hoping he will be a good dad to them so you don't need to step in and parent them where he fails. You do not already know any of these things will in fact materialise - you take a leap of faith based on the facts you have at that moment in time.

In that sense, it is absolutely no different to a first relationship that ultimately ends in problems or divorce because of factors that could not have been anticipated at the very start.

I’m confused.

Ok. So my question in a nutshell is

If you knew about these problems with step kids and partners ineffective parenting before moving in with your partner... why did you do it?

That’s my question.

The question is not applicable if you didn’t know obviously. Or if the step children in question were very young (and therefore there was still hope!).

It’s a specific question for those who knew. Who met and married men with tweens and teens. So personalities and dynamics almost certainly established

So nothing to do with first / second / multiple wives! Just a question.

Did you hike it would change? Or did you go ahead because of wanting to be with your partner?

@Hellotheresweet

I’m confused.

Ok. So my question in a nutshell is

If you knew about these problems with step kids and partners ineffective parenting before moving in with your partner... why did you do it?

That’s my question.

I can't answer that because I personally didn't know before living with my partner and his kids how I was going to feel.

Those ladies who were fully armed with all the information in advance (of whom I guarantee you there will be few!), may be along shortly to give you their views?

What I will say is - despite a child being in adolescence with an already pretty stable and developed personality - this does not mean they will behave exactly the same in the "pre- living together" and living together stages. I think the idea of a "honeymoon period" is a good analogy here. Perhaps stepkids are impeccably well mannered and endearing in the first few months or so of knowing them, whilst living apart? Then perhaps that changes once they share your home and decide they don't like your rules?

You can't assume the dynamics between people are static when living apart versus living together. Living together may well (and does) change things.

@Hellotheresweet

Also can I gently suggest that you start your own thread if you're interested in the answer to your question? It is slightly detailing what is a helpful and safe venting space for step parents.

You’re not confused, you know perfectly well what the responses mean. It just isn’t compatible with the answers you wanted, which presumably are. “Yes we foresaw it all. Aren’t we bloody stupid”

@Hellotheresweet

The question is not applicable if you didn’t know obviously. Or if the step children in question were very young (and therefore there was still hope!).

It’s a specific question for those who knew. Who met and married men with tweens and teens. So personalities and dynamics almost certainly established

@Hellotheresweet

I actually get on really with DSCs so this doesn't apply to my situation.

However, you seem to be under the misapprehension that people who meet men with children somehow feel differently about their relationships.

Think of it this way, when you first meet someone you are on a high, all things feel surmountable, people are on their best behaviour. When the cracks begin to show you are already invested, financially and emotionally.

This is the same whether or not one person has children.

In my case when we moved in together and eventually got married, the kids lived with his ex wife and that was going to be the status quo. Every second weekend was manageable and didn’t involve too much actual parenting.

That changed when dear SS13 claimed he was being mistreated and needed to come and live with his dad. Truth of the matter only came out when he moved back to his mothers because... well it’s just the same in both houses with rules etc. and he didn’t expect to actually have his dad and SM parent him.

Things change and constantly change. Seeing someone every 2nd weekend is not the same as living with them. Turns out I don’t really like the person my SS has grown into. He is more like his mom than his dad and that presents a problem unfortunately

@Hellotheresweet it's still not applicable. Honestly it's not.
There is a dynamic that exists in some 'first families' where exh/dad is 'allowed' 'date'. That will be tolerated & so long as it doesn't appear serious exw & dc will be on relatively good behaviour. Tween & teen dc will often be on their best behaviour as they get days out & treats & dad's 'date' then goes home & gets out of their way so to speak.
So dad & 'date' think all is going well & move forward with their relationship & maybe move in or part move in together & this is when it all goes south. Exw & dc now realise that dad is actually in love with someone else & has a bit of his life that doesn't revolve ENTIRELY around them. They all see finances getting threatened (& believe me finances are VERY important to many exw's & dc) & compromises being requested & they don't like it. The divorce was ok so long as dad was (in their heads) still revolving himself around THEM, but god forbid dad wants to move on with his life & not place them at the centre of everything.
This is the point when behaviour can flip & at this point you're already moved in together & you get blindsided.
My exdp moved in with me but still maintained a house to see his dc so as to give everyone some space but it STILL wasn't good enough.
Dad was THEIRS & it didn't matter that they had his full & ongoing attention when he was with them, if I dared show my face the behaviour tanked - behaviour that was fully provoked & encouraged by their dm whose main concern was that I'd get my hands on 'her' money, ie exdp's salary!
As pp's have said you cannot predict how life will unfold. I had a sense that my exdp's dc weren't as 'nice' as they were initially behaving but I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt & I wanted to try work with the situation. I continued my relationship due to optimism not denial or stupidity.

Next time a mum posts about worries about an ex's new partner I might respond with "you knew what you were getting into when you split up with their dad" and " those poor children who's mother didn't even stay with their father".