I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

Bit of a backstory as to why I’m an awful stepmother

Dp’s ex is a foul,nasty lying witch who has caused so much trouble for us

(Having my partner arrested,lying,phoning at all hours,getting the kids to scream at us down the phone at 1am etc etc)

Anyway about 2 years ago the eldest moved in with us (mum claimed she couldn’t cope)

I’ve never had anything like it-if it’s not pinned down she’s stolen it-I’ve lost £1,000’s in stuff

she’s lied to her mother to play us against each other-and mum just wants to point score so backs her up

If we had a conversation/row she live streamed it to her mother,leaving out no juicy detail-then mum would ring and scream at us-heaven forbid if I had friends round

She refused to get a job-it’s our role to pay her way until she found a rich man and got arsey when I told her real life doesn’t work like that (she’s 18)

She rang the police on me-for sitting on my own sofa and again for walking through my own front door

She’d smear period blood all over the bathroom walls/leave used tampons on the floor/block the lav and just walk off

She used 60 razors in two weeks-and screamed at me to ‘buy more-I need more!’

If we refused to give her money,she’d just steal it

She hit my sons dog-more than once

She’d break expensive stuff like the laptop or headphones and just walk away

If we went out for a meal-she’d demand to come with us,scoff/waste food and refuse to pay for any of it

This went on for two years-16-18-and I just wasn’t coping with the endless abuse-we got her help for her issues but she refused to engage

So we kicked her out-she’s gone back to the mother she claims she hated

But still rings to demand money (dp hadn’t given her any) as ‘I’m still at school and need £150-now’ (as I say,she’s 18 now)

Dare I say I’m so happy she’s out of my home-and I’m tolerant of most issues-I’m just not dealing with that

I’m glad she’s gone-that makes me the worlds worst sm

@Magda72

Thank you for explaining it much more eloquently than I could! Ultimately - there's a "honeymoon" period where all are on their "best behaviour. There's no point pretending that being in each other's living space doesn't change things beyond what could have ever been predicted. It does. For many reasons, many of which you've outlined really well.

I'm a wicked stepmother as I care about the dsc education. I think it matters to do homework and extra curricular activities which are not for night or xbox oh and that they eat some fruit n veg not just pizza

The second wife... well, to move in together and blend families knowing that you have a fraught relationship with your step children, you tolerate them at best, they are rude and nasty to you, your DH is ineffective at parenting them - surely you witnessed this and experienced this in the years before moving in together?

Having the kids live with you regularly is totally different than spending time with them before living together, or even staying with them sometimes at their dad's place. It's a totally different dynamic when it's your home too.

Not to mention many kids have great relationships with their parent partners UNTIL them moving in together/marrying makes them realise it's a permanent arrangement and their parents are apart for good. So many kids switch to playing up and being awful to their step-parent from that point on, which a step-parent couldn't have predicted.

@Bibidy

Thank you to you also for reinforcing what I was trying to explain.

Cos when I'm in charge and he eats literally 3 mouthfuls of the dinner he's specifically asked for and says he's full - but can he have ice cream for pudding - I say no 😬

*when you first meet someone you are on a high, all things feel surmountable, people are on their best behaviour. When the cracks begin to show you are already invested, financially and emotionally.

This is the same whether or not one person has children.*

Exactly this. The beginning of any new relationship is full of "leaps of faith" based on strength of feeling for a person. It makes zero ounce of difference whether the person has children from a previous relationship. That leap of faith is still how it all starts. And by the time you see issues relating to stepkids... you're usually far too invested in so many ways. Much like a "first time" marriage for many people.

I have found the response to my question genuinely insightful and interesting. The “honeymoon period” in particular. Thank you. I was not trying to be inflammatory. It was a genuine question and thoughtfully responded to, which has educated me.

responses

I'm a wicked stepmother because I don't answer my phone first time when she rings because she is more important than anything I may be doing including being at work. I don't transfer her money when she asks, Its been two years since I last lent her money but she still asks and sulks. I don't cook her dinner unless I'm cooking for the whole house. I apparently bully her by expecting her to wash up after herself, clean the bathroom after herself, and requesting she bring down towels and wash them when we have no clean ones left. I'm also wicked for pulling her up on stealing things from me and apparently I'm the devil incarnate for trying to turn her father against her every time he says no to her. She's 23 and bloody tiring.

I'm the wicked step mother because I work and don't give her money for the privilege of it as ex feels shes entitled to a proportion of mine and DPs wage so she doesn't have to work. Because I help DSS with school work, despite working from home through lock down at the same time and supporting DP to catch him up on work as ex believes home time is only for fun.

I'm a wicked step mum as we limit screen time and would not buy (at the time) DSS5 a switch nor play age inappropriate games, instead spending time as a family together doing things and playing outside.

I'm a wicked step mum for taking DSS away with us on weekends/holidays as I'm showing his Mum up as she can't afford it (despite finding money for lip fillers, a nose job, hair extensions and teeth doing in the past 2 years).

I'm a wicked step mum for having DS with DP resulting in CMS being reduced even though DSS is here 40% of time (and that was hard fought for by DP through the courts over 2 years)

Most of all I'm a wicked step mum because DSS and I get on so well, have an amazing relationship and I can honestly say I'd be so proud to have him as my son. And I think thats truly what makes me so bad in DP exs eyes.

Thank you for this thread. That felt liberating.

I'm a wicked step mum for taking DSS away with us on weekends/holidays as I'm showing his Mum up as she can't afford it

Wow this is a new one! Don't SMs on here usually get slated for not taking the step kids away with them?

This is such a brilliant illustration of how stepmums absolutely can never, ever win. No matter what they do.

@Bibidy

The second wife... well, to move in together and blend families knowing that you have a fraught relationship with your step children, you tolerate them at best, they are rude and nasty to you, your DH is ineffective at parenting them - surely you witnessed this and experienced this in the years before moving in together?

Having the kids live with you regularly is totally different than spending time with them before living together, or even staying with them sometimes at their dad's place. It's a totally different dynamic when it's your home too.

Not to mention many kids have great relationships with their parent partners UNTIL them moving in together/marrying makes them realise it's a permanent arrangement and their parents are apart for good. So many kids switch to playing up and being awful to their step-parent from that point on, which a step-parent couldn't have predicted.

This is all true. And much more besides.

Tbh, my DH found parenting alongside his ex difficult even when they were together. She basically didn’t give him any say, and he just let her do it her way (partly because he’s a lazy sod, partly because his mum put pressure on him to just keep the peace). Where things were important to him, he fought with her but never got anywhere because he was so often at work (to support everyone).

Loads of he problems we both have with their attitudes and behaviours are a direct consequence of their mother’s choices and parenting. They’re rude because their mother is also rude and doesn’t teach manners. Their dreadful eating habits are a result of existing on junk food snacks and ignoring the meals they’re served in front of the tv. And so on.

They were much younger when I met them, and these were things anyone would assume would either get better as they grew up or would respond to better parenting and examples. Both those hopes now seem hopelessly naive. Things have deteriorated in all sorts of ways. Both children, and especially DSD are becoming increasingly like their mother in so many ways. DH struggles with it, possibly more than I do (because often it just feels like a problematic behaviour or trait to me, but to DH it’s them being exactly like their mother).

Plus a whole range of other factors do have effects you don’t anticipate. Behaviours and issues that didn’t seem so bad in a house that wasn’t yours and where you could go home to your own house look quite different when it’s your house, and your stuff, and it’s affecting your kids.

Even more so when you have your own baby and realise that you could not in any way tolerate the DSC treating him as horribly as they treat each other. It kind of brings things into relief.

And, yes, the DSC’s attitude (and the ex’s) does often change when it becomes obvious that it’s a permanent thing. DSD, in particular, started waging a campaign against me when we got married. I understand that it’s because it killed off her fantasy that her mum and dad would get back together - but it’s still no fun to live with. Even more so when the baby was born.

If I’d had a crystal ball, I’d have thought a lot harder about things. But I do love my DH (for all his faults). I do my best to be kind and warm and welcoming to have children, even when they’re difficult and even where they just aren’t likeable, because I love him.

It is refreshing to have people being honest about not always liking their DSC. We all find some people more likeable than others. Even with my own sons, DS2 is more likeable than DS1 (and it’s reflected in his much more popular he’s always been with his peers). I love them both equally, but DS2 is the more socially capable person. DS1 is much harder work (ASD plays a role here). Similarly, DSS has a sense of humour and is much better at joining in with other people than his sister (who just sulks and throws tantrums if everything isn’t all about her). Everyone finds him easier to get along with than DSD.

Plus a whole range of other factors do have effects you don’t anticipate. Behaviours and issues that didn’t seem so bad in a house that wasn’t yours and where you could go home to your own house look quite different when it’s your house, and your stuff, and it’s affecting your kids.

Even more so when you have your own baby and realise that you could not in any way tolerate the DSC treating him as horribly as they treat each other. It kind of brings things into relief.

This is SO true. I think it's very hard to have children other than your own living with you part of the time, even if every other weekend or less. Even if they are good kids, it's still a hard adjustment when we're talking about your own home. There is no comparable situation either - it's not like if they were your own children because you'd have unconditional love for them plus you'd be shaping their behaviour and enforcing rules, and it's not like if you had your friend's kids to stay because in that scenario there isn't the pressure of future regular stays meaning you need to get expectations in place or deal frequently with the same annoyances and problems.

It gets even more complicated when you have your own children in the mix too, especially if they live with you full-time so you don't want them to get into some of the habits your stepchildren might be allowed to have while they with their dad, eg really late nights or loads of chocolate etc.

I love my OH and have a great relationship with his kids, but I do brace myself for how things may change in the future when we marry or have a child of our own.

@Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo I'm the wicked step mother because I work and don't give her money for the privilege of it

Yep, same here! Ex not worked since youngest was born, 14 years ago, now all school age. She said we have two incomes so should be taken into account. Let's take her self employed plumber boyfriends salary into account and deduct then shall we? Still fuming about this tbh 🤣

Exw & dc now realise that dad is actually in love with someone else & has a bit of his life that doesn't revolve ENTIRELY around them.

The divorce was ok so long as dad was (in their heads) still revolving himself around THEM, but god forbid dad wants to move on with his life & not place them at the centre of everything.
This is the point when behaviour can flip & at this point you're already moved in together & you get blindsided.

This is so true and I think particularly painful for the exW to accept, rather than the kids necessarily. At that route if so much of it, I believe, exW's resentment and anger that Dad is no longer sitting in his bedsit alone, counting down the days till their precious children return to his care. He now has something and someone else to love, and to spend his time (or even, god forbid, his money) on besides his children. This is intolerable for many exWs, I believe. And probably at the route of a lot of the issues many they create for separated dads, particularly in the early stages of the relationship. My DP used to get phone calls when she knew we were together in the early days - "oh sorry, am I disturbing your evening with Lou - I just rang to talk about the kids..." etc. She didn't, there was no pressing issue that needed talking about. She just needed DP's mind and focus to be on the kids, and nowhere else, ever. It makes me almost pity these women.

I’m a wicked step mother because I love their father. My DH’s children (well adults) are late 30s, early 40s, they both have families of their own and when I met them for the first time they both said to me ‘I will let my dad have some fun and let your relationship run it’s course’. They ruined his past relationships....

when I met them for the first time they both said to me ‘I will let my dad have some fun and let your relationship run it’s course’. They ruined his past relationships....

Well don't they sound like adorable little treasures. 🙄

It has dawned on me that whilst you ladies have interpreted that you are wicked stepmothers, I actually know that I am. Because DP got sent a three page letter from DSD explaining how, basically, I had ruined her life. Clearly encouraged by her DM, who I previously thought was a decent human being, as it followed a weekend where DSD and I had had a great time together.

I’m an evil stepmum because it’s apparently all my fault that they are now divorced (separated 7 years when I met him) she got no money from the house sale (had been ‘bought’ out of it previously when house when in negative equity) and that dp is recovering the substantial amount of money he had to pay out of the house proceeds on a charging order for a debt that exw incurred from her monthly maintenance as otherwise he would never get it, it will take over 2 years to fully recoup it so is being overly fair. This wasn’t a known debt and hadn’t been taken account in the financial split.
In her eyes he is no longer civil as he doesn’t transfer her money every time she asks for it.

All in all nothing to do with me 🤣

@Rainbowandscarlett your story had me open-mouthed. What a horrid individual!

What did your DP say about her behaviour? How did he let it go on for two years?
The blood would have been the final straw for me. 🤢

@foxtrotoscarpoppet

He’s the sort of fella who just wants a quiet life

I was telling him what she was doing but he would just laugh it off or claim she didn’t mean it,she hadn’t done it-it was all in my head

She punched my sons dog twice (he doesn’t live with us,he was visiting at the time) and he caught her doing it

He hit the roof (rightly) and told my dp he was sick of me phoning him in tears and I was on the verge of leaving-I backed this up-I’d already made plans to go within the week at this point

She got wind of this (she was sat at the top of the stairs) and walked into the bathroom,smeared period blood all over the wall and blocked the loo before slamming doors and refusing to come out of her room

It turned out that shed been telling him it was me all this time!and the stealing was all in my head/I was lying

He told her to get a job or leave-she got on the phone to her mother who rang him to scream abuse and to Chuck me out

He lost it-told her that she had two weeks to get a job or leave

30 minutes later she’d got her bags packed and left-taking all my stuff with her-she can have the lot-I can replace it

She still phones up weekly to tell him what a bad dad he is for not pandering to her,to throw me out and to ‘lend’ her money but he’s just been putting the phone down on her

It’s been a long slow boil for the last two years but he doesn’t want to lose me so he stood up to her-he’s done her a favour and one day she’ll see it

He feels guilty he left her mother but she played him like a fiddle until I stood up to her and in turn so did my son and then her dad

I don’t feel guilty-if she’d got a job (a few hours a week) and hadn’t played her parents off against each other she could have stayed

As it is,she’s shot herself in the foot and I will never have her back

@Hellotheresweet
I’ll be honest, I knew exactly what I was getting into before I moved in with my DP 6 months ago.
We’d been together for 5 years before buying a house and taking the plunge, spent numerous holidays and blended families by taking it in turns by all spending the night at one or other’s houses.

I knew my SC were utterly intolerable at times. I don’t like them all the time, they can be selfish, bratty, entitled and completely focussed on money.

But I adore my DP, he’s a great dad but can’t unpick the behaviours and personality traits they’ve inherited from their mother.

We have my SCs EOW and the occasional night in between and therefore I have 12 nights a fortnight of general calm and happiness.

I don’t hate my SCs, I have a good relationship with them and they like me. But this weekend for example the youngest was literally screaming at her dad because her mobile phone (which mum is now responsible for as we pay for the older child’s phone) is broken and she demanded DP fix it. He said no, it’s down to mum as he paid last time and for all repairs of the oldest’s phone.
Literal hell broke loose.

So I just took my kids and went out for a long walk. By the time I returned DP had done his bit, reprimanded her and diffused the situation.

The truth is I can cope if it’s EOW, holidays or extra in school holidays. I would not cope if we had them full time and I have discussed this what DP.

If circumstances change and for some reason either or both of them needed to live with DP full time then we would sell our large house, buy 2 smaller properties and live separately until they were old enough to move out.

Mostly because DP’s work wouldn’t allow him to be able to parent them properly and I’m not willing to step in to that role. I hear my own kids to consider and I simply don’t want to take on the responsibility for his kids too. So DP would have to change his whole life to accommodate his kids... but they’re his kids.

We’ve discussed this and I’ve been totally honest from the outset.

My SCs are getting older and I also see them less because they have their own social lives.

I made the decision to make the leap after knowing all of this because I love my DP very much. Kids grow up, move on and have their own lives and in a few short years my DP and I will have the calm and honeymoon period of life on our own.

I had my own kids relatively young too so in my 40s will be free of dependant kids and we’ll be able to enjoy our time together.

As it is,she’s shot herself in the foot and I will never have her back

Good for you @Rainbowandscarlett
It’s just hideous that you had to suffer that behaviour.

Oh my! I would like to join in please!

I'm a wicked step mother because I remind people to do their homework.

I'm a wicked step mother because I make everyone bathe regularly and I have a rule about changing underpants daily.

I'm a wicked step mother because my catchphrase is "turn that racket down". I literally can't think straight when Zombies 2 is at volume 35.

I'm a wicked step mother because people living in my house make their own damn beds.

I'm a wicked step mother because I fed my daughter a poison apple like one time.

Okay, that last one is a joke.

But seriously - I just don't want to live in hovel. It's not like I'm making them scrub toilets with their toothbrushes. My choices to provide a nice home for my family creates more laundry and cleaning and tidying for ME than anyone else in the house. I should be the one rolling my eyes!!

And I tell you, I would give my left tit to be visited by the clean sheets fairy just once. (She hasn't been since I moved out of my mum's house, 14 years ago...)