I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

I'm a wicked step-mother because...

1. DH had custody of DSS now 25 and DSD now 23 (14 and 12 then) so when we bought a house together, the children were VERY involved in choosing the house we picked. It absolutely did my head in.

2. I grew to absolutely hate living with them. It really damaged my relationship with them as my anxiety was through the roof due to the sense of dread I felt going home from work. I'd been fairly neglected as a child and couldn't get my head around how 'pampered' they were by DH even when teenagers. I hated going out to work (a very stressful job) all day and coming home to find they hadn't moved from the sofa. I hated the fact they made a mess. I hated the fact they stayed up late watching TV in the lounge after DH and I had went to bed. I just felt like one the grown ups were in bed, everyone in the house should have been.

3. When DH and I became really serious after a few years, he was absolutely skint. He paid a fortune in CSA for DD3, had huge divorce costs, hadn't taken his equity from the house etc. He was cycling 25 miles to work as couldn't afford the petrol and was feeding himself and the kids using veg from his parents' garden. Despite this, the kids continually asked for money. They NEVER asked their mum. DH always gave them it, putting money onto credit cards etc and getting himself in debt.

4. in the early days, if DH and I had a day out alone together, I'd sense he felt guilty not having the kids there. It really bothered me.

5. I hated the fact DH gave them lifts everywhere. Again, this was never reciprocated by their mum.

6. I hated, and still hate, the fact MIL considers the step kids as just that...kids. They are adults. She constantly drops hints about them moving in with us, asks whether we've seen them etc. It's like she's reminding DH not to forget about them.

They kids are older now and don't live with us. Things are a lot better and we get on we. I still get a bit anxious when they come, and they still come to us asking for money etc. But, God, things are soooo much better now than they were. My DH is a fantastic and committed dad and I do love that quality about him. The issues were definitely more with my frame of mind. Being a step parent is really, really, really hard work.

Boredom? No. It’s probably more to do with the fact that people are giving reasoned responses and you don’t have a leg to stand on. Especially given you have NO EXPERIENCE of step parenting whatsoever.

@Hellotheresweet

I think what is baffling to outsiders outside of a step family dynamic where the posters outline appalling situations with the SC etc is that there is never any balance to the posts. It’s all so extremely one sided.

Just to occasionally read something whether the OP articulates some kind of failing or even slightly negative feature in her role as a step mother would make such a change

That’s nice. Maybe start a thread inviting the response you so desire. This one isn’t for you.

That sounds absolutely dire @MrsPworkingmummy. No wonder your anxiety was through the roof.

Being a step parent is really, really, really hard work.

This and this again... some days I’m a really good SM and some days I’m a terrible SM.

@OldOrMaybeNotThatOld

Being a step parent is really, really, really hard work.

This and this again... some days I’m a really good SM and some days I’m a terrible SM.

Oh absolutely. It’s about a thousand times harder than being a parent.

I’m the evil SM today because DSD fantasizes about her parents getting back together so she behaves dreadfully and purposefully treats me like shit because she thinks it means her mum and dad will get back together.

There is literally nothing I can do about this. And it makes 1/3 of my life (and more in the school holidays) really miserable. It makes no difference how nice I am or what I do. She is utterly determined to try to get rid of me (because in her mind, I’m the only barrier to her fantasy).

It doesn’t help that DH treats her like a baby and has behavioural expectations more appropriate for a toddler. He just seems determined to believe that she genuinely doesn’t remember that same talk he had with her yesterday, and the day before and the contact before that and so on over years. Apparently it’s a complete surprise to her that behaviour she’s been told isn’t is not OK is, in fact, not OK. Even if she were 2, she’d be able to remember something she’d been told literally hundreds of times. She is not stupid.

So we’ve had crisis level talks this afternoon. Tbh, my issue is that DH allows her to behave the way she does. I’ve told him hundreds of times that I am sick of spending time and effort cooking meals that I don’t even get to enjoy because of DSD’s continual dinner table behaviour (the particular flashpoint today, but it’s not only mealtimes - although it is every single mealtime, over years). Every time he decides he can’t be bothered to address the behaviour, he’s basically saying ‘fuck you, kumquat. You don’t matter and my daughter can just keep on behaving in exactly the same way. And the other kids can sit there and learn that it’s totally OK to treat you badly.’ I’ve had enough and HE needs to do something about his daughter. No one should have to put up with being treated like this in their own home.

I did also point out to him that if she succeeds in splitting us up, it won’t resolve HIS issue. In fact, it’ll get worse. DSD will know that she has the power to ruin any future relationship he tries to have, and that’ll only make her more determined. Even into her adulthood probably, like the PP’s adult stepchildren who told her that she was only temporary.

It’s really important to remember that children do have agency in families. And especially so on blended families. The power dynamics are often screwed up, and children are too often given totally inappropriate power over all aspects of lives, and to control aspects of their parents’ relationships. It’s not healthy for a child to be allowed to (try to) make an adult so miserable that they give up and leave. And both the child’s parents often contribute to this dynamic in various ways. The least powerful person in a blended family is often the stepparent (this comes through in blended family research quite strongly). Children might not fully understand things or may be driven by all sorts of motivations, but they are given power by the behaviours of the adults around then that just is not appropriate.

@KumquatSalad that sounds really hard and I would struggle in those circumstances.

My youngest stepson once told his dad (a year or so after his parents had split) 'I'm sure if you say sorry to mummy she'll let you go back home.'

By this time he was with me and little did SS know that actually his mum had instigated the divorce as she was having an affair which she obviously kept secret from her kids. So because we were open about our relationship, we ended up getting the blame for them splitting up (we didn't get together til 6 months after they had split).

@chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs
My SS still believes that I had something to do with his parents not being together. He is 19 now and it’s 13 years since his parents split up. Granted I was his dads first GF (now wife) but when I met his dad he was living in a tiny flat with no furniture because his mother had kicked his dad out. He has been told the truth (mom was financially destructive and not faithful) but he still thinks I’m the reason his parents are not together. To be fair, he is probably not wrong... if I hadn’t pitched up when I did my DH would have been sucked back in again to her life of lies like he had done numerous time previously.

[quote OldOrMaybeNotThatOld]@chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs
My SS still believes that I had something to do with his parents not being together. He is 19 now and it’s 13 years since his parents split up. Granted I was his dads first GF (now wife) but when I met his dad he was living in a tiny flat with no furniture because his mother had kicked his dad out. He has been told the truth (mom was financially destructive and not faithful) but he still thinks I’m the reason his parents are not together. To be fair, he is probably not wrong... if I hadn’t pitched up when I did my DH would have been sucked back in again to her life of lies like he had done numerous time previously.[/quote]
Yep I was the first GF (now wife) after they split as well. It makes me sad to think they watched us get married, all the while probably blaming me for their parents not being together.

[quote chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs]@KumquatSalad that sounds really hard and I would struggle in those circumstances.

My youngest stepson once told his dad (a year or so after his parents had split) 'I'm sure if you say sorry to mummy she'll let you go back home.'

By this time he was with me and little did SS know that actually his mum had instigated the divorce as she was having an affair which she obviously kept secret from her kids. So because we were open about our relationship, we ended up getting the blame for them splitting up (we didn't get together til 6 months after they had split).[/quote]
It is hard. And it’s horrible for everyone. DH complained that every other weekend ends in a fight. But it’s because we have the same thing every other weekend. Have done for years. And he just does not take it seriously. It’s not him that it’s all directed against. And he’s determined to believe that his daughter is somehow functioning at toddler levels of understanding and is just too innocent to be doing anything on purpose. So it never improves.

DH’s previous relationship ended because of her infidelity too. But she tells everyone that it’s because of us. I didn’t even know him before they’d split up though. She’s still with OM. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m pretty certain DSD is equally vile to her mum’s partner. She’s open with DH about how she wants rid of him. But he fails to see that he is actually validating her and screwing me over by not discouraging it (even encouraging because he likes to hear she hates the OM).

None of this is good for DSD.

The last thing I said to my SS when he moved out of our home back to his mothers because ‘we were too strict and he didn’t feel free’ was... I hope you marry a woman with children and an exh... maybe then you will understand that this life is not just about you!’

Maybe he will @OldOrMaybeNotThatOld.

I’m totally despairing. Even after a long talk with DH he just doesn’t seem to understand that he constantly rewards DSD for bad behaviour. She’s been awful all weekend. So following her talk he imposed sanctions (no screens) that are actually disadvantaging DSS (who has been told he can’t play a game). And instead he’s spent the last hour with DSD in her room sorting through her toys. They’re talking about all the new toys she wants. Meanwhile DSS is left to his own devices.

It’s not just me that thinks this is ridiculous. It can’t be.

@KumquatSalad sounds tough and not good for anybody!

My DH is fortunately very much on my side!

@KumquatSalad

The permissive parenting technique is the one most favoured by so many divorced dads! Anything to make the children happy. As I told my own DH his job isn’t to make SS happy but to guide him and parent him.

I’m interested in your comment The least powerful person in a blended family is often the stepparent (this comes through in blended family research quite strongly). id like to read the studies you refer to - are you able to link any?

There’s a good summary of the research in the Stepmonster book.

Thank you

I’m a wicked stepmum as i insist that DSS goes to see his mother when it is her days and encouraged more contact. We have him 9 out of 14 it was 12 out of 14.

I insist on serving vegetables and fruit not just pizza and chips.
I pay attention to his school work.
He does after school activities such as swimming and other exercise.
I won’t accept him being rude towards me.
I call him out in setting a bad example to his younger brother (mine and dps DS)
He has to shower daily and brush his teeth twice a day
Ultimate insult is that I won’t call him a teenager because he is 11

I can live with all of this.

Wow!! A lot of you should not be stepmothers

@Chailatteplease

Wow!! A lot of you should not be stepmothers

And some people appear to be struggling with comprehension skills.

@Chailatteplease

Wow!! A lot of you should not be stepmothers

We should instead be bloody knighted.

Hallelujah I've found my people:

I'm an evil step mum because I met Dh 3 years after he divorced and you'd think we had had an affair.

I'm an evil step mother because we had a child after we got married and our child was taking some of their future inheritance. But it was OK for the ex to dump DSD on me 3 days after I gave birth whilst I had depression as exW couldn't cope with her DH having a child with some woman (me).

Im a step bitch because I put a stop to DSD and her friends being blatantly rude and disrespectful to me and they are now banned from the house until they learn manners.

DSD has not seen her brother (our son) for a year as punishment to her father for not leaving me even though she's been trying to split us up for years.

I am an evil step mother for having a great relationship with DSS. DSD doesn't understand why we get on when DSD and I don't. Poor DSD. At 23 she has no insight to her own actions.

@Chailatteplease

Wow!! A lot of you should not be stepmothers

A lot of us wish we weren't 😂

And a few of us are thankfully no longer!

I'm the evil step mother because I won't give up half of my conservatory and half my small garden to build a forth room for my ss to have. Me and my long term partner don't live together, I have a 3 bed house where me and my 2 dc have our own rooms. If dp moved in he would expect his son to have his own room despite the fact he only spends 4 nights a month with dp and even though he has his own room at dps flat currently, he never goes in there other than to sleep.
So no, I won't change my house for a child to sleep 48 hours a month in. We can get a comfortable sofa bed.
My hobby is gardening so losing most of it would really affect me.

@LouJ85 here here. We are years down the line and I still hate it x