I'm a wicked step mother because...

[FleaBagLarry]

There have been a few refreshing threads on here recently where some of us have been a bit more honest about how we actually feel!

In light of this, in what ways are you the stereotypical 'evil step mother'?

It got me thinking before, in my case, I'm the evil step mother because my DSC are isolating for 2 weeks and as much as we get on, I'm bloody enjoying the break! I'm looking forward to it being over for DHs sake but for me selfishly, it's been quite nice having a couple of weeks to ourselves. (We usually have the DC 50:50).

I know it's absolutely appalling that I haven't been sat in a darkened room sobbing the entire time! So shoot me 🤷

No one has Covid, no one is ill, just isolating before anyone suggests I don't care they are poorly.

@Hellotheresweet

I thanked people for their response which really enlightened me

All I’m saying is that this one particular example surely doesn’t work. But I am completely open to it not being wrong!

Good. Because you most definitely are wrong!

* In both cases, they are unknowns to the person who is not involved with them. *

For goodness sakes - I’m not talking about SC you’ve never met!

I’m talking about the point at which you decide to move in together and blend families. It is at that point that there must be some inkling of the situation whereas zero inkling with a foetus
Surely you can appreciate that?

I think what is baffling to outsiders outside of a step family dynamic where the posters outline appalling situations with the SC etc is that there is never any balance to the posts. It’s all so extremely one sided.

Just to occasionally read something whether the OP articulates some kind of failing or even slightly negative feature in her role as a step mother would make such a change

@Hellotheresweet

Think about any new situation you might plan to embark on. Whether it's a new baby, a new relationship, a new job, a relocation, a new hobby... whatever example you want to take.
You probably anticipate what it might be like. You might make educated guesses based on hopes, dreams, others' experiences of similar ... etc.

But are you honestly telling me you know exactly what "the day to day reality" of any of these is going to be like, in advance of doing them?? Of course you don't, otherwise life experience, learning, and hindsight wouldn't be a thing.

So tell me how, compared with any of the above examples, a person embarking on a new partnership with a man with children has in any way an advantage in order to know exactly what the "day to day reality" will be like? Is there a specific "blended families crystal ball" that I'm not aware of?

*For goodness sakes - I’m not talking about SC you’ve never met!

I’m talking about the point at which you decide to move in together and blend families.*

To all intents and purposes, moving in together is a brand new situation. Therefore, it is still unknown to the people entering into it.

Meeting children and living with them are not the same thing. I think this is just repetition now, and getting quite tedious.

It is at that point that there must be some inkling of the situation whereas zero inkling with a foetus
Surely you can appreciate that?

I can't even decipher the meaning of this sentence.

Anyway back to the original purpose of the thread ..... again 🙄🙄

@Hellotheresweet can you please answer my question. What is your particular experience regards step parenting?

@Hellotheresweet

* In both cases, they are unknowns to the person who is not involved with them. *

For goodness sakes - I’m not talking about SC you’ve never met!

I’m talking about the point at which you decide to move in together and blend families. It is at that point that there must be some inkling of the situation whereas zero inkling with a foetus
Surely you can appreciate that?

Any decent person with DC embarking on a relationship takes some time to introduce their DC to their new partner. Waiting a year until the relationship is solid is not unusual. At that point, strong feelings are established.

I met my DSS a couple of months shy of one year in a relationship with his Dad. After 7 years together, I've never met his DM. She didn't start to interfere in our relationship until that 1 year point when we moved in together. The point at which I suspect she realised we were in a serious relationship. At that point, she stopped DP seeing his DS, purely because she could. For the best of a year, I supported my DP as they went back and forth with solicitors letters, culminating in a court order for visits. Everything was going swimmingly until our relationship was serious. The point at which DSS's DM became hostile, so did he.

At what point are you suggesting I should have known, and withdrawn from the relationship?

*She didn't start to interfere in our relationship until that 1 year point when we moved in together.

At what point are you suggesting I should have known, and withdrawn from the relationship?*

Did you not consult your "blended families crystal ball"?

@Hellotheresweet

I think what is baffling to outsiders outside of a step family dynamic where the posters outline appalling situations with the SC etc is that there is never any balance to the posts. It’s all so extremely one sided.

Just to occasionally read something whether the OP articulates some kind of failing or even slightly negative feature in her role as a step mother would make such a change

That's generally because the OP is usually posting from their own perspective of being in the situation. It seems it's only wrong when step-mums do that (quelle surprise); it happens everywhere on MN!

Did you not consult your "blended families crystal ball"?

Tut tut. Amazon even had them on offer in the Black Friday sale.

D*id you not consult your "blended families crystal ball"?
*
Unfortunately not on this occasion, maybe next time

My point was that the degree of unknown is not the same as to the unknown of what your unborn child is like!!!

*I think what is baffling to outsiders outside of a step family dynamic where the posters outline appalling situations with the SC etc is that there is never any balance to the posts. It’s all so extremely one sided.

Just to occasionally read something whether the OP articulates some kind of failing or even slightly negative feature in her role as a step mother would make such a change*

Of course it's one sided - it's that person's perspective and take on it. And it's not unique to the step parenting board. For example, how many times on posts complaining about husbands or mothers in law (for example), would you see "but maybe my own role in the situation is this....and perhaps that's where I'm contributing to the problem." I'd argue that you rarely see that.

Are you personally always able to immediately articulate your own failings in a situation that bothers you? Are you always able to identify what you could be contributing to the dynamics and the problem? And even if you did so, would you be motivated to share them on a public forum, if something or someone was bothering you, or would you at least begin with "here's my side"? Sure, you might be able to reflect on your own role in things over time, but It's human nature to present one's own experience from their own perspective, at least initially, and especially on a public forum. This isn't unique to the step parenting board.

@Hellotheresweet

My point was that the degree of unknown is not the same as to the unknown of what your unborn child is like!!!

How so?

@sassbott

Did you not consult your "blended families crystal ball"?

Tut tut. Amazon even had them on offer in the Black Friday sale.

Oh bugger. I missed out!

@Hellotheresweet

My point was that the degree of unknown is not the same as to the unknown of what your unborn child is like!!!

It's clear that you have no experience of, or empathy with, anyone trying to build a blended family, or the challenges that they, especially stepmums face, trying to make it work.

@Hellotheresweet

My point was that the degree of unknown is not the same as to the unknown of what your unborn child is like!!!

Oh but it absolutely is. If I knew then what I know now I'd have run for the hills. At least I have a degree of control over my own child even if I didn't know what he was going to be like before he was born. Unfortunately I can't control the ex in the same way.

@Hellotheresweet

I think what is baffling to outsiders outside of a step family dynamic where the posters outline appalling situations with the SC etc is that there is never any balance to the posts. It’s all so extremely one sided.

Just to occasionally read something whether the OP articulates some kind of failing or even slightly negative feature in her role as a step mother would make such a change

There’s a thread running where the OP blames herself for not being able to like her DSC.

No one is claiming to be perfect. I said on here that I was really angry at my husband over his response to bad behaviour on this thread. If I were actually some kind of saint I’d have been nicer about it.

It’s really common for posts on here to be really euphemistic about the DSC. ‘Oh my DSC are really wonderful and I’m so lucky to have them in my life. I just have this teensy issue where DSS (16) punched me in the face. He’s a lovely boy and I’m wondering if I over reacted by asking him to please stop’. And still the OP would be piled upon by the blame the evil SM crowd. It’ll be her fault because she asked him to put a cup away or didn’t buy the right kind of bread.

An unborn child is an unknown.
A step child isn’t
Nor is the ex

Of course they are unknowns! Everyone you meet is an unknown, and you can never truly predict what those people will do or say or how they will influence your life in years to come.

For starters, it’s part of the excitement to not know who your baby is and then to meet them. And then when they’re born it’s like you’ve known them forever. Parenting is an unknown, but again it’s all part of the journey of being a parent. But the key point is that you love your children.

Secondly, you are in full control of your life when it comes to your own children. They’re your children, and nobody gets to boss you about regarding them. You work through all of your unknowns at each step of their lives and get on with it and you accept them because it’s just part of your job as a parent.

Your stepchildren and the ex are already here, true, but they are still unknowns because like I said, you don’t know what is going to happen. But any unknowns they bring in the future aren’t dealt with as easily as you’d deal with regarding your children. That’s the plain and simple fact and I don’t see what is so unbelievable about that.

I’m talking about the point at which you decide to move in together and blend families. It is at that point that there must be some inkling of the situation whereas zero inkling with a foetus

I moved in with my ex, and I still didn’t know about all the bad stuff that lay ahead.

I found carrying my children, giving birth to them and being their mum a much more pleasant experience. I didn’t know who they were going to be but that’s part of the bloody excitement of it!

[quote sassbott]@Hellotheresweet can you please answer my question. What is your particular experience regards step parenting?[/quote]

The lack of response speaks for itself.

@Hellotheresweet - here is what you said 4 days ago when people explained to you why they couldn't possibly have known in advance that living with DP and his kids might not always be a walk in the park:

"I have found the response to my question genuinely insightful and interesting. The “honeymoon period” in particular. Thank you. I was not trying to be inflammatory. It was a genuine question and thoughtfully responded to, which has educated me."*
*
So... It educated you for a total of 4 days then. Because today you are yet again insisting that living with DP and his kids for the first time is a situation where there are no unknowns.

Why, having understood just 4 days ago, have you come back to make similar comments, if not to just antagonise?

The lack of response is due to boredom with the thread but mainly a desire to extricate myself from the thread
You’re right. No experience FG.

You all sound like you have very difficult fraught lives, shared with patterns, ex’s and children that all seem to do a lot of battling and arguing between them. Sounds hellish tbh.
So this is your safe space. I get that. So I’ll hide the thread now and won’t return