I always say that if the dad of the child doesn’t make one thousand percent effort in the blended family that he at one point decided he wanted to have, then his partner/wife really doesn’t stand a chance at being a happy stepmum. Think about that.
Absolutely. You cannot possibly succeed when you partner - the DSC’s parent - allows their children to behave badly. Makes excuses for it. Even encourages it by undermining you.
Plus the loyalty bond issues caused by bitter exes (of either sex).
The fact is that neither of my DSC are very likeable children. I’ve worked with loads of children. Some are extremely easy to like, others much less so. My DSC fall on the bloody hard work with little to make up for it end of the likeability spectrum. Their father finds them hard work too (but he loves them, which helps him through).
They’re not ‘barely tolerated’ in the house. 🙄 I am polite and fair and kind, much like I would be with children I was working with (except in that situation I’d have more control and ability to work on their behaviour). I cook them nice meals (I made pancakes for breakfast this morning). I make cakes (which they turn their noses up at and ask for chocolate instead). I drove to two different argos stores on Monday (at opposite ends of the city) to get them nice advent calendars because their father hadn’t done it (and I didn’t want them to be left out when my son has one). It was me last night suggesting that we buy them a Nintendo switch to share at Christmas (a much bigger present than my DSes will get - and despite them both having behaved dreadfully all afternoon and evening). It’s me that finds nice things to do with them and books days out or activities they’ll enjoy (in fact, I did suggest a local football club for DSS over the next 3 weekends, but their mother won’t take him on her weekend in the middle - so it’s hardly me ruining their fun).
I do all sorts of things to make their time here nice. But, I will often remove myself from their company because their behaviour is intolerable. I take myself away and let them have time with their father instead. I don’t even take the credit for all the things I do (they neither know nor care that I got them their advent calendars). DSS threw a tantrum over the calendars anyway because he wanted the stuff from his sister’s calendar.
The DSC have been here less than 24 hours (much of which time they’ve been asleep) and so far we’ve had them both arriving with the usual big performance of tears and screaming on the doorstep, which their mother encourages. Continual fighting and screaming all yesterday afternoon despite being asked to be quiet and nice to each other. Temper tantrums at dinner and breakfast. DSD lying to try to get me into trouble with DH. The usual general rudeness and ungratefulness. DSD ignoring me when I said her dad wanted her to get out the shower (after 40 minutes). All followed with lists of demands for all the things they want and ways in which things aren’t good enough for them.
This is standard for every time they’re here. It’s not something that anyone could reasonably look forward to, and certainly not going to endear the DSC to anyone. If they were my children, they’d not get any of the nice things they get until their behaviour improved. But they’re not my children, so they throw temper tantrums and then are allowed to play video games or taken out somewhere special. And, obviously, there’s no incentive for them to behave better. But it’s not up to me. I’m just the wicked stepmother whatever I do.
So people should save their tears for situations that deserve them.