AIBU to think it's totally fine for a SPs parents to treat their biological grandchildren differently?

[CradleBigBear]

What are people's thoughts on this situation?

In my situation, my mum and dad have never really had a grandchild/grandparent relationship with my step children, they get on well but it's never been like that.

Now that they are grandparents themselves, my mum in particular likes to spoil my DC at things like Christmas/birthdays.

She likes to take my DC out a lot for days out, has them over for sleepovers etc..

My DSC live with us 50:50 so they are here on some of these occasions.

My DSC have two sets of very involved grandparents who also like to spoil them! AIBU to think that it's completely normal and fine for my parents to take more of interest in, spoil and take out alone, my DC?

It always draws a lot of criticism on here but yes I think it's fine.

@aSofaNearYou

It always draws a lot of criticism on here but yes I think it's fine.

I just don't see why.

All children share my DHs parents and their affections and then each child has grandparents on their mother's side who treat them and do nice things with them. I don't see what's so unfair about it.

My parents are always friendly with my 3 SC, they get money or Christmas and birthday etc and little treats through the year but my son is very spoilt by them (he's their first grandchild)

The kids are fine as you says they have two sets of loving grandparents already! I think their ages are important how old?

And it's harder it's they are living with you I guess but no one should feel bad x

IMO it is absolutely fine

I think it depends on the ages/situation. If kids are similar ages and spending Christmas Day together then I think it’s a bit mean for the biological gc to get significantly more then the step gc.

@BooFuckingHoo2

I think it depends on the ages/situation. If kids are similar ages and spending Christmas Day together then I think it’s a bit mean for the biological gc to get significantly more then the step gc.

This depends though imo.

The answer is either my DC gets less from their grandparents so as not to be seen as unfair, and then they go home and get spoilt by their mums parents.

Or the expectation is my parents also spoil them meaning they get off DHs parents, my parents and then their mums parents too.

Don't get me wrong, my parents always buy things for DSC. But certainly not to the same extent or expense as our DC.

It's fine in your situation, yes. But blended families are very complex and your thread title is rather simplistic as it's not a one size fits all. But if you are asking about your own situation yanbu

I think it’s fine since your step children have their own grandparents that are very involved, it’s not like your parents are completely ignoring the existence of your step children or anything like that!

I don’t understand this competitive attitude that “they have family on their mum’s side so it’s ok to not treat them the same..”

If these children live with you then buying them a token vs buying biological grandchildren masses of presents is IMO grossly unfair. Especially if the grandchildrenn are also the DSC’s dad’s children so their half siblings.

If the children were just yours then I’d say that days out etc are fine and presents should be held back somewhat until the DSC aren’t there.

But when the DSC have biological siblings who are treated differently there is very much room for resentment there...

My eXH has a DSD, and as far as I’m aware the GP’s treat her and their biological grandchildren the same. Bearing in mind that to make a point of not treating the DSC the same is singling them out in front of the biological children and sends a very definite message.

In our situation the grandparents have five grandchildren (three of them are mine) and two 'step grandchildren'. They treat the step children exactly the same as my children in terms of gifts and material things, but don't offer to babysit (when it's allowed) or request to spend time with them as much.

I think this is fair enough, those children have both sets of their biological grandparents still living and so there is no real 'role' for the step grandparents to have. They have a relationship which is warm and loving but I would hazard that they don't love the step grandchildren in the way they love their actual grandchildren.

For my part, they are my nieces and I don't view them any differently to the other nieces I have. They are lovely girls though and were quite young (under) ten when we met, so I think that makes a difference.

As long as people are sensitive.

If I wanted to give my grandchildren loads of gifts for Xmas I'd try and do it when stepgrandchildren weren't there or made sure I had a small gift for them.

I assume that if everybody was out and about and ice creams were bought for the kids then things would be completely equal.

It's fine for the children to have outings with just their grandparent. Both sets being involved makes this even more of a non brainer imo

I think it very much depends on the situation, in the circumstances you describe all sounds good.

My stepfather has been around since my children were born and is as close to them as their biological grandparents, they see no distinction. He doesn't have children though so that also has an impact.

When my brother had stepchildren with him full time everyone made efforts to treat them as full family, but again different circumstances, they had limited contact with their other family at the time.

Key thing is everyone understands why relationships differ and no one feels left out. I'm sure it can be a difficult balance sometimes.

It's not about competitiveness. More what expectations should be placed on my parents and what is fair.

Imo I don't think its fair to expect them to for example, spend lots of money to make everything fair when in reality, all children have the opportunity to get treated the 'same' by their respective grandparents.

As I say, my mum likes to spoil our DC as her first grandchild. She's never had that relationship with the DSC because it's never been like that, they have involved grandparents, she's never been needed to step into that role. She's friendly and kind but they certainly don't see her as a grandmother. Just Cradles mum.

I don't think it's then fair to expect my mum, who just enjoys spending time with, treating her DGC, to be expected to do exactly the same for children who she doesn't have that type of relationship with and who have grandparents who do that sort of stuff for / with them already.

It would be different if they lived full time with us and didn't have involved GPs already I'd say.

Dh and I have been together over 20 years, I had children before that. Dh was a dad to 'our' children 7 days a week.

His db met a woman with a child whom he adopted and they had further children together. They separated 13 years ago and db in law became a 4 day fortnight dad.

His parents have treated the two families so differently it's caused my dh serious anxiety. Only one son has a family and it's not dh.

27 photos of one family in the living room, none of the other. It's heart breaking.

Obviously different situations call for different actions, I agree.

In mine, I think it's fine for my mum to enjoy a grandparent / grandchild relationship with my DC separately considering the DSC already have the same with their GPs and they don't see her as such.

I'm not talking about ice creams being bought on a day out of course.

I'd add I'm not terribly close to my stepfather and his extended family, it's all perfectly pleasant but not like family I've grown up with. I suspect the age of kids when a parent remarried is also significant.

Of course it's fine. The step kids have a whole maternal and paternal family to look out for them. Why should a 3rd set treat them. Then they'd be receiving treats far in excess of your child/ren.

If there’s involved grandparents on all sides then can’t see a problem.

It's fine if the kids are old enough to understand but if they aren't it's not. Its cant be hard to keep the days out to when they aren't there. Why ever take a chance to hurt a child feelings or self esteem.

I think it's fine.

My parents see our DC (3 and 4) almost every day; they see my DSS10 2 or 3 times a year, even though he stays with us EOW. There's no comparison in terms of the relationship they have, so I never expected them to treat DSS equally in terms of presents. They buy him a token gift, but they go to town for their DGC. I would point out that they never give their gifts in front of DSS, it's usually at their house.

@CradleBigBear

What are people's thoughts on this situation?

In my situation, my mum and dad have never really had a grandchild/grandparent relationship with my step children, they get on well but it's never been like that.

Now that they are grandparents themselves, my mum in particular likes to spoil my DC at things like Christmas/birthdays.

She likes to take my DC out a lot for days out, has them over for sleepovers etc..

My DSC live with us 50:50 so they are here on some of these occasions.

My DSC have two sets of very involved grandparents who also like to spoil them! AIBU to think that it's completely normal and fine for my parents to take more of interest in, spoil and take out alone, my DC?

I had step grandparents and they loved me and my brother just as much as their bio grandkids (my brothers) so I never felt left out.

As long as they don't make it really obvious or really b it in front of your DSC then it's a non issue

OMG OF course it's totally fine.
Same way you are not their mother, your mom is not their grandmother.
One thing a lot of people seem to forget about is that DSC have two sets of parents and grand parents. Your children will only have YOU. So forget about being politically correct. I would never expect my mom to spend time and do stuff for my step kids.

Personally, I wouldn’t be able to treat step grandchildren and grandchildren differently.

If the step-child already has two sets of involved grandparents then it's understandable. If there is an absent set of grandparents then I feel it's a bit different.

My DS's father is completely absent, as are his paternal grandparents. I have two other DC. My DHs parents treated my DS very differently when he was little, for example if my two other DC were given £10 each, he would have been given £5. They do know that he has no input at all from his father's side (not even a card at Christmas or birthdays) so they weren't stepping on the other grandparents toes. They would be perfectly nice to him when visiting and they are friendly but I felt making that distinction, especially over such nominal amounts was quite cruel.

In your case, it sounds ok.

If there were 2 or 3 bc, and only 1 sc of a similar age, it wouldnt. Especially if they didnt have another set of gp involved. That would be awful