AIBU to think it's totally fine for a SPs parents to treat their biological grandchildren differently?

[CradleBigBear]

What are people's thoughts on this situation?

In my situation, my mum and dad have never really had a grandchild/grandparent relationship with my step children, they get on well but it's never been like that.

Now that they are grandparents themselves, my mum in particular likes to spoil my DC at things like Christmas/birthdays.

She likes to take my DC out a lot for days out, has them over for sleepovers etc..

My DSC live with us 50:50 so they are here on some of these occasions.

My DSC have two sets of very involved grandparents who also like to spoil them! AIBU to think that it's completely normal and fine for my parents to take more of interest in, spoil and take out alone, my DC?

Your kids have the massive benefit of having both their parents together 24/7.

Yep, that old lazy argument that is used again and again as a reason for giving SC absolutely everything from absolutely everybody. Because they’re owed it because their parents aren’t together Makes perfect sense. Not.

Can’t you see how manipulative that statement is and how full of emotional blackmail it is? Just because a child lives with both parents, does not mean they are automatically having a better life than the child who doesn’t live with both. It doesn’t take a genius to work that one out. Stop begrudging children time, money, presents, holidays, sleepovers, etc from their grandparents. It may be the only opportunity that they get to be spoiled or to be taken out on trips or to have some attention shown to them. Stop making it all about the poor child who is apparently owed everything from the day their parents separated. They have their own grandparents to get all of this from.

My children had a shit life at home when I was with their dad. My parents made their lives better in so many ways. My ex’s parents also favoured his first child, so my children really only had my parents. And although my parents were very fond of my ex’s older child, they did not treat that child exactly the same as my children. Because that would have been a slap in the face to my children. Their older sibling has always had a full life because their parents are no longer together.

Your kids have the massive benefit of having both their parents together 24/7

Oh god... Not that again.

As a child of separated parents who was fucking relieved when their arguing, fighting, miserable together parents divorced, please just stop.

My relationship with my parents and my home life was significantly improved by their split. I had much more quality time with both of them afterwards too, especially the NRP (who happened to be my mum in my case).

Having parents together is not always the amazing benefit posters want to imply it is.

And children should not have to be grateful that their parents aren't divorced FFS. Whether their parents are together or not, they are as entitled as the next person to a loving, individual relationship with their own grandparents.

I can’t understand some of the comments here, when children marry into your family they become your family. You don’t necessarily feel equally about other family members. Things don’t have to be ‘equal’ but there does need to be some sensitivity. I think if you’re all together at Christmas the kindest thing is to give all the children presents. Try and keep the best outings for when the step kids aren’t there, or get dad to do an outing with them at the same time. Do most of the present buying for the biological kids birthday or spread through the year. It comes across from your post as if everything is very blatant and unequal but I’m sure it’s not like that in reality as I can’t imagine your parents are unkind to the stepchildren and at the extremes it would be unkind.

DS1 (17) is DH's step son. His Dad has always financially given the same to DS as he has to his biological GC, but weirdly over the last couple of years has stopped signing cards off as grandad, and last year gave DS1 a generic Xmas card and DS2 a Grandson card. It's upset me (DS hasn't commented) but I feel rude for feeling upset, however DH has brought DS up since he was 2 so find it a bit sad that FIL doesn't quite regard him the same to him as his brother.

DS has never received a birthday card and very few presents from his Dads family

It's fine and totally normal, although some here will try to say different.

when children marry into your family they become your family

What does this mean? The children themselves aren't marrying, for starters, but also it's not the grandparents getting married. You are talking about two passive parties, none of these people married each other. And when two people do marry, the parents on both sides don't automatically become siblings because of their child's decision. That is essentially what step children are to their "step grandparents" unless they naturally develop a close bond- in laws.

I wouldn't expect more than a token gift for anyone in my family from my husband's family, and even that wouldn't be expected.

Marriage joins all the people in the family, not just those getting married. The stepchildren of a close relative such as your child or your sibling become a member of your family. Even more so if your child has effectively taken on a parenting role to them. Presumably they are also very important to the grandchild as their brothers and sisters. However not all of your family are necessarily equal in their relationship with you. They’re still family who you care about and want to treat nicely though. I find it really odd to suggest otherwise.

@BungleandGeorge Except marriage doesn't really "join" the rest of the family, it just links them tangentially. They aren't necessarily close and often don't buy gifts for each other. If it truly joined them all it would surely be a group decision! I don't really know any two sets of in laws that view each other as family, they just know each other through their children being family to each other.

It is very rare for people to treat any other family members in the same way they would their children or grandchildren anyway, so the fact that you think they should be considered family doesn't really explain why they would treat them the same as their own grandchildren regardless.

My parents have only met DPs children a handful of times. In no way would I expect them to treat them the same as their grandchildren. Just as I wouldn't expect DSDs to love my parents as much as they love their grandparents.

My parents have met my partner's children twice. My own daughter has been in their life since day one and she is now in her teens. She was their first grandchild. The two aren't even comparable. Of course it's normal OP.

I do think a lot of people who are outraged by this are coming at it from the point of view of the RP and so imagining children that are around all the time. My DP is NRP to my step son, and like the last two posters, my parents have met him maybe three times? He was terribly behaved each time.

The idea that they would see him in the same light as my DD within the context of how much they actually have to do with him is basically a joke.

DH has brought DS up since he was 2 so find it a bit sad that FIL doesn't quite regard him the same to him as his brother.

Because he's not the same as his own grandson.....if you split up with your DH, he has no legal right to see your DS...

There's a massive difference in son and stepson ...People really need to accept this.

I actually think its quite cheeky to expect grandparents to spend the same on your SC.

@aSofaNearYou

I do think a lot of people who are outraged by this are coming at it from the point of view of the RP and so imagining children that are around all the time. My DP is NRP to my step son
Tbh even if it was the other way round..like the RPs kids (usually the mum), I still don't think there should be an expectation of the GPs on the dad's side to treat their son's SC like their own grandchild.

I think much of this comes from the guilt that the mum has from their child having an absent or minimally involved dad and paternal GPs.

A lot of time, I see these threads their DCs have no contact with their biological dads. While your DP/DH may take your child on and treat them like their own/equally, you can't force a GP to do the same and its an unrealistic expectation IMO.

, and like the last two posters, my parents have met him maybe three times? He was terribly behaved each time.

I wouldn’t expect my parents to treat dh’s children as their grandchildren, but if those children had no other involved family then anything else would be just cruel.. simple as that.

@SandyY2K I agree tbh and think the same on those threads, but I also think this site has a lot more RP on it than NRP (as it is mainly women) and it colours their level of understanding of a dynamic where their children aren't necessarily all that central to the step parents wider family. But yes, besides that, I still don't think it is inappropriate to put that expectation on anyone else in the family.

"DH has brought DS up since he was 2 so find it a bit sad that FIL doesn't quite regard him the same to him as his brother"

Because he's not the same as his own grandson.....if you split up with your DH, he has no legal right to see your DS

There's a massive difference in son and stepson ...People really need to accept this

I actually think its quite cheeky to expect grandparents to spend the same on your SC

@SandyY2K
Grandparents have no legal rights regardless of biology. Like anyone else they can contest this in court but they have no parental responsibility, no rights.

There is a massive difference between son and stepson in some families........ in others no difference at all. Why do you feel the need to project your own situation, or generalise in this way? Blended families are not a one size fits all

Cheeky is a not a word I would use when referring to this situation, it's rather trivialising..... it's clearly not about financial input but about fairness, kindness, sensitivity and other important human qualities

A huge amount of it would depend on age.

With older step children (for example, mine are 9 & 11), I'd expect them to be able to understand that their young sibling has different grandparents who treat them like their GPs treat them. I would expect children of that age to be able to grasp that personally (and they do).

They have loving GPs on mum's side who spoils them already, they know this. They understand that my parents are not their GPs. They treat them nicely, they buy them some little gifts at birthdays / Christmas but they don't get the same as their sibling and they understand why, it's never been a problem.

But then they've never seen my parents as grandparents which I think makes the difference. They know who their GPs are and it's not my mum and dad. They also know that their siblings family is different in some ways to theirs and that's okay.

@pjmask

Grandparents have no legal rights regardless of biology.

if you split up with your DH, he has no legal right to see your DS

I meant that her DH has no legal right to see her DS...which in turn pushed her FIL right out of the picture.

I am fully aware that GPs have no legal right regardless of biology.

Why do you feel the need to project your own situation, or generalise in this way?

I am not projecting...you seem to worked up by my words. Children and step children are not the same....
some parents may say or may actually treat them the same, but the fact that a step parent has no legal right to see a SC following a split... makes it a massive difference.

In the context of this thread...there's a difference in the OPs situation.

If there were no difference, then this board wouldn't exist. Even when people say they like their SC...a recent thread showed a very high percentage wouldn't bother seeing them if they split with their DH/DP.

Blended families are not a one size fits all

No they aren't...I never said they were. I do maintain they expecting GPs to treat their GC and their child's stepchildren the same in reference to spending money on them is cheeky and unrealistic.

As a parent you can't dictate what others spend their money on, or how much time they should spend on your stepchildren.

It would be unkind to give their GC presents in front of the SC and not give them anything at all....a smaller value gift would be fine, although the ages of the kids are a factor...as to whether they fully understand, they aren't their GPs.

Just because a parent takes a stepchild on....doesn't translate to every other family member doing the same and it doesn't mean they dislike the child either.

Hi OP

In your situation it sounds fine

But in my family the stepchildren were 3 and 1 when they came into the family and therefore have been treated the same by everyone. As younger bio grandchildren were born, there have been no differences at all. It would have been cruel otherwise. A bit like treating an adopted child differently.

@aSofaNearYou

@SandyY2K I agree tbh and think the same on those threads, but I also think this site has a lot more RP on it than NRP (as it is mainly women) and it colours their level of understanding of a dynamic where their children aren't necessarily all that central to the step parents wider family.

I totally agree. It's as though everyone else has to fall in line.

Although this particular thread is from a different perspective. As most of these threads are the OP (RP woman/mum) expecting and not being happy that their PILS spend more on their biological GC, over their (woman's/mums) DC from a previous relationship.

I'd also reiterate, that in most of these threads the child in question has no or minimal contact with their dad/paternal side and the mum wants her PILS to stand in as GPs in this sense.

From the mums POV, all her children are the same, regardless of who the father is....and so it should be for her. For others who are not biologically related to the mum... they will not particularly see it like that.

So the mum's parents will see all their DDs children the same as you'd expect...but the PILS won't always have the same bond.

It comes down to managing expectations (yours/the stepchildren) and being realistic where these things are concerned.

I can understand why some GPS may feel that way, but as a SM I think I’d be pretty upset if my dad treated DSS any differently to DS, as I treat them both the same (I know this isn’t always the case, for various reasons).

Although I come from a blended family, and my Dad also treats my half sister exactly the same as me, even though he’s her step dad - in fact, she has a better relationship with him than her own dad, I think down to the efforts he made.

I don’t think being fair means always being treated exactly the same. And I don’t think Grandparents need to treat all the grandchildren and step grandchildren the same. But I think it would be unkind for grandparents to visit when all the children were there, and bring different levels of presents. Mostly because of the children’s relationship to each other. If they are treated differently in their own home when they all together then it just highlights that ‘they aren’t real siblings/not real family/etc etc’ , and risks makes the visiting step children just feel like visitors to their own home and not like part of the real family. If that results in the step children doubling up on grandparent presents and getting more, then well, they are the ones who have to deal with divorced parents and two homes and all of the negative parts, so if they get some positives too no big deal.

A bit like treating an adopted child differently
It really isn’t. If you adopt then you’re the parent - legally, emotionally, financially responsible for that child. Your family should proceed as if you were the biological parent.
If you marry a parent you don’t become a parent. I think of DSD as an in law - my child in law who is not my child any more than my mother in law is my mother.

There are two sets of grandparents as my parents are no longer together. There was a real difference between how my dad and how my mum viewed my dsc when I was with my ex. But neither were wrong in my opinion.

My dad and stepmum and even my stepmum’s family adored my former dsc. My dad bought presents for birthdays and Christmas and Easter eggs at Easter. And took dsc to the park if mine were going etc..
But my dad still did more for my children than dsc. It was never truly 100% equal as the amount of time he has always poured in to my children has always been more. Plus holidays and big trips out.

But when it came to my mum and her side of the family, it wasn’t ever close to being equal. I don’t think that’s wrong. They never really warmed to dsc and wasn’t really interested in having any sort of relationship. My children don’t see my mum very often, but she still loves them very much as they’re her biological grandchildren.
So as you can probably guess they never bought presents for dsc. There was just nothing there between them, and when my family knew about ex’s family always treating dsc more favourably it was kind of the nail in the coffin really.