AIBU to think it's totally fine for a SPs parents to treat their biological grandchildren differently?

[CradleBigBear]

What are people's thoughts on this situation?

In my situation, my mum and dad have never really had a grandchild/grandparent relationship with my step children, they get on well but it's never been like that.

Now that they are grandparents themselves, my mum in particular likes to spoil my DC at things like Christmas/birthdays.

She likes to take my DC out a lot for days out, has them over for sleepovers etc..

My DSC live with us 50:50 so they are here on some of these occasions.

My DSC have two sets of very involved grandparents who also like to spoil them! AIBU to think that it's completely normal and fine for my parents to take more of interest in, spoil and take out alone, my DC?

I think any different treatment, like presents and treats and days out, need to be given or arranged for times that the SC aren't there. The different relationship is normal and understandable but it would be unkind and bad manners to flaunt it. A bit of tact isn't much to ask.

@AlternativePerspective

It's not a matter of competitiveness, it's simply pointing out a basic truth that makes it very easy to explain this situation to a SC, and make resentment unnecessary. In a scenario where all the kids have involved family on both sides, it is very simple to explain that in the same way that they share a dad but have a different mum or whichever way around it is, the same applies to their extended families.

I understand it is somewhat different if the child lives there full time and isn't involved with their other family, though in my opinion the onus should be on the parents to be realistic and weigh up the impact of that reality when deciding to begin a blended family, rather than expecting and judging their relatives on their willingness to compensate for the parents decisions.

But when the children all have involved family and that dynamic can be easily explained to them, there really is no need for all the drama.

I think it depends on the situation. Ours is a bit of a mixed bag

My partners mum now sees my ds more than my partners kids and treats them the same in terms of prezzies.

My mum hardly sees my partners kids so does spend more on presents on my ds however as they get opened separately my partners kids never know.

My dad and stepmum treat them all the same in terms of treats/presents but only have my ds for sleepovers, they have however wanted to treat them to a day out/panto in the past but didn’t work with contact days.

You will always get people saying you should treat them exactly the same but I don’t think that’s reasonable, should I have turned down my mum buying a bike for my ds as she wasn’t buying my dss one or should I just make sure it’s given in a way that it isn’t rubbed in my step kids face that they are getting less. Step kids also gave very involved grandparents on their mums side so perhaps that changes things as well

Of course it’s fine.
And I do think it’s relevant if the dsc has involved family elsewhere.

My parents adored my former dsc, and they still do now. They bought birthday and Christmas presents, Easter eggs, went on little trips to the park with them, if my children got a packet of sweets so did dsc.
Really, that’s all that could be reasonably expected of them.

When it comes to my dc, my parents are far more involved in their lives. My parents will sit and help them with homework, they’ll do projects with them, do school runs, take them to and from hobbies, offer to pay for xyz for them, have them round for sleepovers, come to their school plays, sit and play with them for hours, etc...
All of the above are the difference. It’s not just about money and presents, but it’s about time as well. My parents have always poured so much time and effort in to enriching my children’s lives, and although they have always been very fond of former dsc, my parents didn’t pour as much money, time and effort in to them as they do their actual grandchildren. My parents know my children’s routines inside out.

My children went on a couple of caravan holidays with my parents when I was still with my ex but dsc didn’t go nor were they invited. But then my children were never invited to the holidays my ex’s parents (shared grandparents) went on with dsc prior to my parents taking my children on holiday. So I can safely say my parents didn’t owe dsc a holiday when they took my children away.
My parents have offered to pay for or towards lots of things over the years eg school trips, nursery costs, new shoes, bikes, hair cuts, etc... not because I couldn’t afford them but because they wanted to. But never once did they offer to pay towards anything for dsc. Because they have their own grandparents.

My mum has put some thought into buying similar brother/sister equivalent presents for DS and DSD (even allowing for the 7 year age gap)
My parents know that DHs family take a “more is more” position on Christmas and birthday presents and don’t want to add to the burden of nonsense coming into the house, so they keep gifts low key. The difference is that the also add £££ to DS savings account that they would never think to do for DSD (and why should they?).
On the face of it though, they don’t want to blatantly favour DS over DSD, even though it’s clear they don’t think of her as a GDC any more than she thinks of them as her grandparents. It’s just being nice to a little girl at Christmas.
Having said that, I can completely understand what a GP with a limited budget would think “why should I give less to my own GDC to afford to give equally to step GDC when they have another 3 sets of grandparents and step grandparents buying for them too? What’s equal about that?”
Like most of the situation that blending leads too, it depends on the cast of characters and the situations they are all in.

Its absolutely fine IMO. To be honest, even if they didn't have involved GPS, I dont feel your parents have to step into that role for them.

I would expect them to spend more money on your DC as well. The parents can treat them equally, GPs, Aunts and Uncles and not obliged to.

They're not their GC. My niece and nephews have a SM...they wouldn't and neither would my DB expect his wife's parents to buy his DC birthday presents or give anything more than a token H gift at Christmas if that.

They have my parents and Ex SILs parents as their Grandparents.

MIL and stepFIL love my kids. StepFIL’s family doesn’t give a shit about him.

FIL and stepMIL cherish the ground her kids and DGC on her side walk while having zero time for ours. We are NC because of that 🙄

We had this situation in our family. The SGC is now in her 20s and on cordial terms with the SGPs but there's no love lost. I think it depends on what kind of relationship is sought - the adults always take the lead in that one.

I think most kids are capable of understanding that their half siblings have different grandparents and that there will a different relationship there, just as they have with their own GP’s.

As long as the step-grandchild is treated with kindness and respect, I don’t see why anyone should feel obliged to treat them all the same.

And from a child’s perspective, I’d have found it pretty uncomfortable if the parents of my dad’s newish partner were presented to me as bonus grandparents on top of the two sets I already had.

I believe that grand parents should be free to interact with their step children as they feel comfortable. Kids will pick up on any forced behaviour and resent it anyway.

However, in similar threads, you often get the rationale that what matters is how much each child gets in total rather than who they it from. My experience is that most kids, unless very materialistic care much more about the intention and care from the gifted than what they actually get.

It does hurt when it is made blatant that people who are part of the family show a clear favourite just because they are same blood and you’re not. This will stick much more in life and adulthood than it will for a child who in total might get a few less toys.

I don’t even treat my own DC the same when it comes to treats/days out/presents,

My DS has regular contact with his dad and very involved grandparents, aunts & uncles on his dad’s side.

My DD’s dad lives in Australia (we are in the U.K.) and has no contact with her paternal family (their choice, not ours).

When both children are with me I treat them equally but on the weekends my DS goes to his dad’s I spoil my DD.

For Christmas & birthdays my DD gets double the budget to my DS (and double that my 2 SCs). This year DP and I have agreed a budget of £200 per child... except my DD will get that twice because I am all she has.

They will all open there presents here Christmas Day, then on Boxing Day my DS will go off to his dad’s and my SCs will go to their mum’s house... all 3 children will then be receiving gifts from the other sides of their family.
And my DD will be with me and DP and receive a whole other bunch of presents here.

It’s not always about equality. Equality is giving exactly the same to each child which doesn’t fit every situation.
It should be about equity. Ensuring each child has what they need / want to make their lot in life fairer.

In our situation we never 3 children in our household who have 2 involved parents and large families. We have then have 1 who doesn’t not, so I make up the difference.

The only difference is 2 of those children are biologically mine.

I think there’s nothing wrong with treating your biological family differently (in terms of treated, not kindness) when stepchildren have a wider loving maternal family who are doing that already.

we *have 3 children in our household

Excuse the typos, I’m walking my dog as I’m typing 😂

*The answer is either my DC gets less from their grandparents so as not to be seen as unfair, and then they go home and get spoilt by their mums parents.

Or the expectation is my parents also spoil them meaning they get off DHs parents, my parents and then their mums parents too.

Don't get me wrong, my parents always buy things for DSC. But certainly not to the same extent or expense as our DC.*

Very unfair IMO, I wouldn’t personally let a young child sit there and watch their siblings get loads of gifts from grandparents whilst they get tokens. I think that’s very mean.

Yes the SC will also get gifts from their own gps but that’s part of living in a divorced family (plus your kids won’t be there when this happens and therefore won’t be made to feel lesser). Your kids have the massive benefit of having both their parents together 24/7.

but that’s part of living in a divorced family
So I learning that not everyone your relative you should expect gifts from.
Your kids have the massive benefit of having both their parents together 24/7
But gods forbids they got the benefit of gifts from their own grandparents at Christmas without it being grudged by other DC whose own grandparents will give them gifts when it’s their turn to see them

Your kids have the massive benefit of having both their parents together 24/7

I’m giving you the biggest eye roll for that comment. It’s very unlikely they have their dad their 24/7 unless he wears them in a sling.

And no one is saying they give some kids more gifts than others in front of them, just in general.

Also just because you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with someone with children already and see them as your family, it doesn’t necessarily mean the extended family will see them as family or have the same feelings for them.

My mum likes my SCs and buys Christmas and birthday presents, but they’re not her grandchildren and it’s kind that she includes them. I also think it wouldn’t be fair to presume or expect her to buy them the same things.
My DP’s mum doesn’t treat my children the same as her biological grandchildren and that’s ok too.

Extended family members also don’t have the same bond because there are no ties to those children should the relationship breakdown. If DP and I split I think it would be highly unlikely my mum would see my SDs again... I mean why would she? They have their own family and my mum only sees the SCs through me and because of my relationship with their father. She has no ties to them otherwise 🤷🏼‍♀️

@BooFuckingHoo2

That old "massive benefit" of living with both of their parents, whilst not being allowed things like relationships with their wider family, bedrooms or basic attention. Really starts to chip away at the massive benefit once you add up all the things MN says younger children should go with out because their half siblings parents aren't together 🤨

Who's to say the SC will always be there when the others get presents from their grandparents? Could you not equally say it isn't fair that the SCs other grandparents totally exclude their half siblings, then?

The grandparents had nothing to do with their child's partner's decision to split with his/her ex, they are not "living in a divorced family" and it's not their responsibility to compensate.

@aSofaNearYou I think I love you 😂

My parents buy gifts for my step daughters for birthday, Easter and Christmas, send money for exams etc despite the fact that the children are rude to me and ignore me and it’s like trying to get blood out of a stone for them to say thank you. My parents do this to try and help me. They would have been very happy to treat them as their grandchildren but the relationship with them (DSDs) doesn’t allow it. They buy and spend much more on my nephew who is their only GC and that is to be expected. I also have a step grandson (I have no children) who I love like a grandchild but then my relationship with him and his parents is lovely.

@SpongebobNoPants I cross posted and just realised you'd already said basically the same thing 😂

I think there are a lot of variables.

My SC are treated exactly the same as my children by my mum.. slightly difference due to ages, mine are babies SC are grown up but my mum gives the SC the same if not more at birthdays and Christmases. She has savings accounts for them and is helping to pay for eldest driving lessons. However, they do not have any interested grandparents on either of their mums or dads side. So they see my parents as their only grandparents. In that scenario I would think it unfair to treat them differently.

In your scenario then it seems equal if they have other grandparents who treat them too. Reality is the SC have 2 families, 2 sets of birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, holidays etc so they aren't missing out in fact a lot of the time they're getting double!

Depends on situation, if they have involved gps who are similarly treating them it's fine, when it's tricky is when kids are being treated to trips to Disney and given expensive gadgets when the others are given a selection pack and a trip to McDonald's from the other gps

Of course it’s fine. Children’s relationships with adults should be organic, not forced because of association. It would be a bit odd for children who understand that these people aren’t their grandparents to have attention and gifts thrust on them for the sake of saving face.

The grandparents had nothing to do with their child's partner's decision to split with his/her ex, they are not "living in a divorced family" and it's not their responsibility to compensate.

Agreed, parents ought to manage the expectations of their children and help their children navigate the consequences of their decision themselves. They should not expect that anyone who comes into contact with their children should have to assist with that, it’s nobody else’s job to keep their children feeling secure. It’s not reasonable to place a financial burden on other adults because of a decision made by someone else.

What message is that sending to the kids? That because you’ve spilt up everyone should rally around to prop your children’s self esteem up?

Aslong as kindness is extended by those who are associated with your children anything else should be a bonus, not an entitlement.

As other's have said it depends entirely on each situation. My parents for example dont see dps dd but they do buy her the same amount of Christmas and bday gifts as their own dgcs however they dont take her on days out (not because they dont want to just because atm we arent in a good situation with ex). I do think its horrible if step kids live 50/50 and the step parents family treat them like they dont exist or are not equal to bio kids.