AIBU to think it's totally fine for a SPs parents to treat their biological grandchildren differently?

[CradleBigBear]

What are people's thoughts on this situation?

In my situation, my mum and dad have never really had a grandchild/grandparent relationship with my step children, they get on well but it's never been like that.

Now that they are grandparents themselves, my mum in particular likes to spoil my DC at things like Christmas/birthdays.

She likes to take my DC out a lot for days out, has them over for sleepovers etc..

My DSC live with us 50:50 so they are here on some of these occasions.

My DSC have two sets of very involved grandparents who also like to spoil them! AIBU to think that it's completely normal and fine for my parents to take more of interest in, spoil and take out alone, my DC?

Youseethethingis yes of course. Not in every sense.

I meant because the little one was one year old and therefore to her this was the only family she had ever known and everyone in our family has always included them just the same.

My step son lives with us 50:50.

I have 3 sisters and a very involved mum (Nanna)and my step son is treated exactly the same as my other two children by everyone. It's just the way it is for us. Step son obviously gets spoilt around his mums too - this doesn't bother me at all. My personal opinion is (having been a child with divorced parents and half brothers and sisters by my dads second marriage and not treated the same) that whilst at our house he is treated exactly the same and equal to his siblings. My Step son goes on more holidays to than my children and he always comes with us and also goes with his mum but there are things that little boy misses out on like having his parents together and other things, so I think everything works out in the end. I don't think there is anything wrong in how you are doing if that's what suits you all, as it's different for everyone.

All kids treated equally from my side, not from another side. But the relationship exists my side so why wouldn't you. It's not the status but the relationship that matters I think

I think if the differences are obvious between how the children are treated and it is done infront of the SC then you are being massively unfair unless the children are quite a bit older (heading for teens).

It would be really unkind to have your SC sit there while they get a single cheap gift and your child gets a massive amount or very expensive gifts.

In the same way, if I were to gift my Mum something expensive and give her partner something really cheap I wouldn't do that when they are together as I would also find that very rude and unkind, I would frankly feel shitty doing it.

I also feel that it depends on how long you and your partner have been together for and how long you and your family have been in the SC's lives. A year or so with a 10 year old is different to several years with a toddler or 5 year old.

My DM doesn't really care about my DSC bit why would she? She lives across the pond as has only seen them once. I think "treating them all the same" is a lovely concept but sometimes impossible.

Actually I’m not involved closely, I’m the relative of families with step children. This thread was about how the children are treated not about how people feel about them. When all children are together they should be treated fairly (which is not exactly the same as ‘equally’). Whether they’re half/step/adopted/fostered I don’t think they should be made to feel like some poor relation and less of a family member. Quite a number of people have commented as relatives and said the same, not the case that everyone has a vested interest if they feel like this. Quite rightly people have said whether things are unfair depends a lot on ages etc, a trip to soft play is not going to be an issue if the other kids are teenagers! I really can’t imagine turning up for Christmas Day with a selection box for the step kids and showering the other one with gifts. If the step children are with you 50% of the time I’d start encouraging a relationship with the grandparents and invite them round for a family. They are your child’s siblings and your child is likely to want to spend time with them, the grandparents are inevitably going to have to spend time with all of the children going forwards

I haven't read through the whole thread but I have to say it doesn't really matter how people feel about it the fact of the matter is there is NO onus on any extended family member to treat sdc as their own. Having dc with a man who already has dc is a choice that an individual makes and while you might like other family members to get fully on board with treat the sdc all as one family the reality is you can't expect them to do it.
My dc's half siblings have their own gp's on their dm's side. They are perfectly lovely to my dc & always buy them a token at Christmas but that's all it is - a token. My dd was 8 when her half brother was born & she saw him showered with gifts his first Christmas while she got a token. She did find this confusing but it was explained to her that they weren't her grandparents. For the record she has no grandparents on my side as both have passed.
Did I wallow & think how unfair? No, I was grateful that they were kind to her & bought her a little something. They are not her gp's & they shouldn't be expected to treat her as such and explaining that to her is my (& her dad's) job.

Do I expect them to be kind to her & my other dc? Yes.
Do I expect them to treat them like grandchildren? No, because they're not.

My dd noticed that her step nan treated her diffetently from the biological gc and it hirt her.
Ok...it might be understandable but do the kids see it like that? She said she felt like a 'mistake.'

Differently*

Of course they will notice they're being treated differently - but it's up to us as parents to explain to them why, explain family dynamics & explain that they cannot expect to be treated exactly the same as they are not their grandparents!
It's completely wrong imo that a child would be told that extended step family should treat them the way they treat their blood grandchildren/nieces/nephews etc. - just because as a parent you don't want your child feeling remotely left out.

Once again this issue is about wider parenting, & telling your child they should be treated exactly equally in this context is not setting them up well for life; is not assisting them with judging the nuances of situations & does not help them realise that not everyone in life is going to treat them/love them as much as mum & dad.
I also think it's very unfair that just because you and you ex split & may have moved on with partners who chose to get with you and your dc, that your new partners extended families should be expected to 'take on' children that they didn't choose, may rarely see, or may struggle to form close bonds with.
You should ask for and expect kindness, but anything else is really very unfair & in a lot of cases, very unrealistic.

It's completely wrong imo that a child would be told that extended step family should treat them the way they treat their blood
My DH never saw his “grandparents” again after his mum split with his half siblings father. After such a big deal being made about making sure all was equal, when push can shove DH was shoved. That’s harder on a kid than understanding all along who is who within their extended family.

Yes its fine. My husband's father has never acted like a grandfather to my son but openly spoils my stepdaughter. My parents spoil my son and when my SD is here they try to include her as much as possible although they havent bonded at all. 2 different situations for each side and we don't think anything of it. My own step grandparents never treated me like their own, but I really like them as friends

I think it's totally fine.

I am in a similar situation in that while my stepkids have met my parents casually, there is certainly no familial relationship there. Not out of malice on any side but just that practicalities and distance mean that they don't spend time together. There are also no kids in my family yet so no way to really integrate which would be fun or enjoyable for my stepkids. So I |(and my OH) would never expect my parents to treat them the same as any grandkids they may have.

I really don't think it's a problem at all. As far as I'm concerned, kids of any age after baby(hood?!) understand who their own grandparents are and therefore are fully capable of understanding why other children would get more gifts from their own grandparents than they do.

I would happily explain to my stepkids, if questioned, that my DS/DD gets special presents from my parents because they are their nanny and grandad, in the same way that they also get special presents from both sets of their own grandparents.

@Magda72

Of course they will notice they're being treated differently - but it's up to us as parents to explain to them why, explain family dynamics & explain that they cannot expect to be treated exactly the same as they are not their grandparents! It's completely wrong imo that a child would be told that extended step family should treat them the way they treat their blood grandchildren/nieces/nephews etc. - just because as a parent you don't want your child feeling remotely left out. Once again this issue is about wider parenting, & telling your child they should be treated exactly equally in this context is not setting them up well for life; is not assisting them with judging the nuances of situations & does not help them realise that not everyone in life is going to treat them/love them as much as mum & dad. I also think it's very unfair that just because you and you ex split & may have moved on with partners who chose to get with you and your dc, that your new partners extended families should be expected to 'take on' children that they didn't choose, may rarely see, or may struggle to form close bonds with. You should ask for and expect kindness, but anything else is really very unfair & in a lot of cases, very unrealistic.

I think this is so true and well said.

Especially when posters say things like 'its part of living in a divorced family' when it's suggested that the SC will get the same from their GPs on mum's side.

Yes it is part of living in a divorced family... And so is this situation, not having the same GPs as your half sibling. We as parents need to be the ones explaining it to the children if they feel left out. It's our job to do that as the ones that chose to divorce or separate. It isn't the job of everyone else in the family to tip toe around it by making everything equal all the time.

And equal isn't always fair either. You can say 'well your child wouldn't be there when SC got presents from mum's family'. No they wouldn't, but my SC would certainly be coming round and telling us all about what they'd got at mum's house for Christmas, what their GPs had got them etc etc..

As you often see though on here, unfairness only works one way according to posters.

My parents were never grandparents to my SC, they saw them a handful of times. Were nice, got them token gifts on Christmas and birthdays etc...but they were never thought of as grandparents. It was hugely different when our DC came along. I'm not going to take that away from either my parents or my child, they are entitled to a lovely, close relationship and to be a bit spoilt should their grandparents choose to do so just as their half siblings are by their GPs.

The answer is either my DC gets less from their grandparents so as not to be seen as unfair, and then they go home and get spoilt by their mums parents
When your SCs go to their mum and get spoilt, your DC is not there to witness it.

If your parents spoilt your child at a time when your DCs are not around, it's no big deal. If it's a case of everyone celebrating Xmas and your SCs get a pack of chocolate whilst your DC gets numerous expensive presents, it's a bit mean.

I also think it is harsh to explain to a child that they can't be treated the same when it comes down to parents but treated the same when it comes down to rules and punishments.

Of course punishments come from parents, presents in this instance from grandparents, so not exactly the sane, but the child will see things as they affect them. That's why it seems sensible all around for grandparents to share their lot of presents in their own privacy when the SCs are not around.

When your SCs go to their mum and get spoilt, your DC is not there to witness it.

It doesn’t matter. The point is that it still happens. The dsc will know this and it sends out a really poor message that they matter more than anyone else and deserve absolutely everything from absolutely everybody.

If your parents spoilt your child at a time when your DCs are not around, it's no big deal. If it's a case of everyone celebrating Xmas and your SCs get a pack of chocolate whilst your DC gets numerous expensive presents, it's a bit mean.

It’s not mean. It’s a grandparent giving their grandchildren some expensive presents. It’s unreasonable to expect the same to be spent on the dscs especially as above, they have other family.

I know you think that’s all really harsh. But I do think some sort of boundaries need to be there so that the second children can at least have something to call their own without it slipping in to yet again something all about the first children. Trips out with their grandparents without the dsc coming along or something really special for Christmas from their grandparents while the dsc gets a token gift. They should be able to have that.

Sleepovers and days out wouldn’t bother me so much but I’d feel very uncomfortable about two children opening Christmas presents side by side and one getting significantly more than the other (and I would feel that way if my SC’s biological grandparents were giving more as well. Perhaps if there is a big discrepancy, it’s kinder for the grandparents to give their gifts separately.

Obviously it also depends upon the age of the children.

My parents aren’t together and were both very different when it came to presents for my former dsc.

My dad always bought almost the same (my dc still got that little bit more spent on them but the amount of presents was still the same really).

My mum bought dsc less and it was noticeable. There are a lot of people in all of the families put together for dsc to have got presents from. Missing out on one or two presents from one person that you’re not even close to is not a big deal, it really isn’t.

Hypothetically. If my children came home crying and moaning that their younger half sibling got a Nintendo Switch from their grandma while they got a notepad and some felt tips, I wouldn’t indulge it like some people seemingly would. It’s ridiculous.

When your SCs go to their mum and get spoilt, your DC is not there to witness it

Regardless, I know for a fact my SC would still come and tell us all what they'd got for Christmas at mum's house, from her parents etc... As they should be allowed to.

Unless you also think it's fair for us to tell them not to mention anything they got from mum's parents in front of our children so it's not 'unfair' on them? In that scenario I would explain to my DC that they have different GPs and remember, you got X Y or Z from grandma/grandad etc... I wouldn't expect DSC to keep quiet about it so it didn't seem 'harsh'.

Or does unfairness only matter when it's DSC?

The reason I love my inlaws is because the always treated my children exactly the same as the child I had with their son.

Extra loving and engaged people in a child's life, showing generosity of spirit and being interested in then - never a bad thing. If they love their step-grandchildren less than the 'real' ones they never show it.

Amazing people. I hope I could do the same.

Yes absolutely fine.