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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Does this seem reasonable?

68 replies

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 15:07

We currently have DSC every other weekend. Friday evening to Sunday evening.

We'd like to have them stay more often. Previously this wasn't doable due to work arrangements, etc. But now it is possible.

DH was thinking of suggesting to their DM having them Thursday Evening to Wednesday Morning, every other week. Now, the only thing is DH would have to reduce his maintenance payments to cover the extra costs we would have if we did this. He would have to reduce by about £180/£200 a month. I'm sure DM would be happy for us to have them more often but I'm concerned she'll say no because of the maintenance, which I get. It's a lot to lose per month and if DH could afford to have them more without reducing the maintenance he definitely would. I know he doesn't feel happy about suggesting a reduction but he really wants to see them more often. Does this seem like a reasonable request or would you be annoyed?

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Stantons · 16/11/2020 15:14

Does that reduction stay in line with the required cms?

Are the kids likely to want to stay more? How old are they and how far from their friends and school are you?

lunar1 · 16/11/2020 15:29

How much does he pay now and does he provide everything his children need when he has them or do they have to bring everything from their mums?

Magda72 · 16/11/2020 15:32

I'm being devils advocate here but as a dm if my exh suggested having the kids more just because it now suited him I'd be pretty annoyed but not for financial reasons. If my kids were in a routine that worked I would see no point in changing that just because now it's easier & suits the adults.
Maybe your dh has discussed all this with his ex & kids & maybe they're all happy to proceed, but it doesn't seem like it from what you've written.

TiptopJ · 16/11/2020 15:56

@Magda72

I'm being devils advocate here but as a dm if my exh suggested having the kids more just because it now suited him I'd be pretty annoyed but not for financial reasons. If my kids were in a routine that worked I would see no point in changing that just because now it's easier & suits the adults. Maybe your dh has discussed all this with his ex & kids & maybe they're all happy to proceed, but it doesn't seem like it from what you've written.

Yes to this. If he really wanted them more he could have altered his work pattern before or found suitable childcare before and after work like every other working parent has to.

I think the change your suggesting is quite a big change and depending on the age of the children might be too sudden. I'd personally begin with an extra day, maybe Friday night to Monday evening every other weekend and see how they settle and work gradually at increasing the days if everyone is happy.

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 15:59

DH pays more than the CMS amount currently and the reduction would still be more than the adjusted minimum CMS amount with the new days.

DH has always wanted to have them more often but it just didn't work with his working hours and school, etc. Whereas their DM was able to do schools runs, etc.

We are only ten minutes away from them so local to schools and friends, etc.

He has jsut spoken to their DM and she doesn't want to do it because of their school routines, etc.

OP posts:

Harmarsuperstar · 16/11/2020 16:03

The point is, he didn't seem to care enough in the past to want to change his working hours to fit around the children, did he?
So, is it actually fair to the children to change their routines just because their dad now happens to have more time for them (I'm assuming due to wfh?)

Harmarsuperstar · 16/11/2020 16:04

Their mum had to make it work, didn't she?
She gave your dh the luxury of not having to be responsible for his own kids most of the time

NoraEphronsNeck · 16/11/2020 16:05

I find it hard to imagine how it will cost you £200 extra per month to have them for longer.

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 16:09

@NoraEphronsNeck because there is four of them.

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Stantons · 16/11/2020 16:10

What do the kids want? How old are they?

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 16:14

And there was no changing his working hours to fit with the kids. His hours were his hours, set in stone, and any less, wouldn't have been enough previously.

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Harmarsuperstar · 16/11/2020 16:16

Can't you see that their mum has facilitated your dh having the choice not to have to change jobs to find one that fitted around the children?

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 16:16

@Stantons I don't know what they want, obviously if their DM had agreed, the next step would have been to discuss with them and see what they wanted but DM hasn't agreed. 17, 15, 13 and 10.

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IndecentFeminist · 16/11/2020 16:17

Will they eat £200 more food etc?

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 16:17

@Harmarsuperstar Yes, I can see that. It's exactly what I'm doing now with our own DC.

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lilfoxfur · 16/11/2020 16:20

At the ages the dc are i would say it would be down to the dc, not your Dh or their dm. Particularly the older 3, they can surely come and go as they please at their age

HiyaMeAgain · 16/11/2020 16:27

@CroakCroak

DH pays more than the CMS amount currently and the reduction would still be more than the adjusted minimum CMS amount with the new days.

DH has always wanted to have them more often but it just didn't work with his working hours and school, etc. Whereas their DM was able to do schools runs, etc.

We are only ten minutes away from them so local to schools and friends, etc.

He has jsut spoken to their DM and she doesn't want to do it because of their school routines, etc.

DM was able to do school runs because she had to. I'm sure she had to find a job that fitted around school timings. If I were DM I'd keep things as they are, or, change to every weekend at the most

AlternativePerspective · 16/11/2020 16:28

Tbh I think it would be down to what the DC want. If they haven’t expressed a preference to stay more then I would say it’s likely that’s not what they want.

I do think the routine your DH is suggesting is incredibly disruptive for secondary aged children, but I’m not going to judge and say that he should have changed his hours etc because in truth life doesn’t work like that.

I would suggest the DC staying Friday night to Monday morning though rather than Sunday evening, as this is a whole weekend, and you could then build from there.

But I don’t think that a seventeen year old should need his mum to give permission for him to stay at his dad’s, so I would expect him and two of his younger siblings to be able to come and go as they please, and if they don’t, I would take the message from that.

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 16:29

We have given the eldest two keys and told them that they are welcome any time but they never come apart from the prearranged EOW. I just worry that it's perhaps because they worry about what their DM might think if they choose to stay with Dad rather than Mum, if that makes sense? Or perhaps they really would just rather be there than here. I don't know. But we miss them and much prefer life when they are here.

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Carolines100 · 16/11/2020 16:41

TBH I'm really surprised that kids of that age (except the 10 year old) have such set arrangements, wouldn't it be better for all to just say, 'I'm not at work as much now, drop in for tea and stay over when ever you can'.

That's how it worked with my step children once they were teens.

I don't agree with the others who have said that he hasn't been fair by not changing his job previously as even when families are together its 'usually' the woman who fits their work around childcare however, I don't think you can change the maintenance amounts but that amount suddenly because it suits you.

Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 17:01

Well, rather than sticking to such a rigid arrangement, having them come as and when they choose would be fine but they don't seem the kind of kids to do that particularly. I can't quite articulate what I mean here.

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Original poster

CroakCroak · 16/11/2020 17:04

Although I worry that perhaps they have more freedom at their DMs. I know they just help themselves to food and make their own lunch etc. when at their Mums. But they never help themselves here to food, only drink, even though we've said repeatedly that they can. Only food they sort themselves is bowls of cereal or toast for breakfast. DH still makes them all lunches at the weekend to sit and eat at the table, etc.. and they have all their home comforts at DMs, all their clothes, etc. Dog, xbox and the like.

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Stantons · 16/11/2020 17:13

It doesn't sound like they want to come more often from your latest post

Magda72 · 16/11/2020 17:21

I just worry that it's perhaps because they worry about what their DM might think if they choose to stay with Dad rather than Mum, if that makes sense? Or perhaps they really would just rather be there than here. I don't know. But we miss them and much prefer life when they are here.
@CroakCroak but this is not about what you & dh want & how you guys prefer life - I mean that kindly. It's about the kids & do you honestly think that having grown up in mum's house they'd rather now spend their time with you & dh just because it's what you & dh 'prefer'?
My dd (15) loves going to her dads but she's grown up with me as rp & even though she feels perfectly at home at her dads she'd rather spend more time with here with me as this is what she's grown up with. It's no reflection on which parent she loves more but rather what makes her day to day life easiest.

Your dh's proposed schedule would be very disruptive for teens who have not grown up with it & while I am generally very pro steps on here in this case I too would have vetoed his suggestion - even for the 17 year old who is mostly likely in an exam year.

Carolines100 · 16/11/2020 17:30

If they have all their home comforts at their mums and don’t have ‘home from home’ at yours I can’t imagine them really wanting to increase their time at yours as much (nothing against you, just teens are teens). How about asking them to come for tea an extra couple of nights a week, or even have one or two each time so you can spend more 1:1 time with them (and unlikely to increase costs of feeding one for tea then all four) rather then trying to increase the set arrangement.

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